I just want to be free of waiting for him

[Timeout22]

I have been in a cyclical relationship with a man who only wants me when it suits him. He blames his past, his childhood, his family etc and says 'I just don't want to overthink us' but that's not good enough for me.

When he's good he's great but that's rare. The past few weeks he has let me down massively, after promising he had changed, and I'm exhausted mentally. The past couple days I have been unsure do I call him out on his s**t or do I just walk away? I've called him out on his behaviour 100 times over the years and he apologies, tells me I'm sensitive etc etc. This time after my disappointment I have just backed off and stayed very quiet but he hasn't been in touch and hasn't messaged. I find myself telling myself if he doesn't get in touch by the morning, I'll tell him to get lost but I just reset my boundary again because I'm finding it so hard to give up on this man.

I'm 35, have a good job, my own home, good friends and hate that this person has any control over me. My friends and family are DONE listening about this man.

I had a thing with a man like this when I was in my 30s. I call it a thing because it wasn't what I would call a functioning, healthy relationship.

You stay, repeating the cycle because intermittent reinforcement creates an addiction; you think you have a deep connection with this person, but in reality you have been conditioned to believe that because of the sporadically administered dopamine hits that you get when things are 'good'.

In the end I realised that I wasn't ever going to be free, until I made sure he wasn't going to come back, so I lied to him, to make it happen; I told him I had met someone else, that I was no longer attracted to him, that I didn't think he was a very nice person and that I didn't ever want to hear from him again, then I blocked him.

He still tried to contact me, despite having a new girlfriend (who became his wife) but after a few months the addiction stopped and I couldn't believe I had wasted 2 years of my life playing the push-pull game with him; he was truly toxic.

It's tough to get through the first couple of months but you will and when you do you will wonder what you ever saw in this person.

You can do this!

Honestly, walk away. Lots of us have been there and I cringe looking back! I had one like this for about 2 years, finally just ended naturally.

Interestingly, he got back in touch a few months ago ranting at me and pointing out all my faults which meant he couldn't commit to me.

Luckily I have totally moved on this time and just blocked and deleted without any need to reply. Not like me at all, you can do it!

Get through the next 6 weeks and u will feel free, and will wonder how you used to live with this feeling for so long. Xx

I'm sorry but this has to be said - for God's sake pull yourself together.
He is a complete waste of time and has zero respect for you. He probably takes the piss out of you to his mates because you are that little fool that keeps running back every time he calls.
You must learn to have self respect or you will end up with a tosser like this permanently.
Ditch this man now and never go back. HE WILL NOT CHANGE EVER.

Exactly this. You have the power to change your situation here.

To answer a few of your questions:
The GUILT I am feeling today is rough. I know it's illogical but I've blocked him and just worry about how he must be feeling, if he could have changed and I guess (whether I should or not) I'm just really going to miss the good bits!
He doesn’t seem to feel guilt about how his behaviour affects you so you need to ignore any feelings of guilt for him. He will probably only feel surprise as you’re not acting the way he expects. In a few years’ time you can fondly remember the good bits, but will know that you wouldn’t go back there given all the bad ones!

What I'm remembering is that he plays the victim, his favourite phrase is 'this is just how I'm wired' as an excuse for everything and also he has quite broken relationships with his family etc because he doesn't engage properly with them. He has a lot of friends because on the surface he's a lovely, confident man but very few 'close' friends because he doesn't give a lot of himself to others
If he does manage to speak to you, just say something along the lines of, “I’ve had enough and am moving on. It’s just how I’m wired. Don’t contact me again.” If you can avoid messaging or speaking to him it would be better. I’d advise blocking him on every method of communication that you have with him.

I actually had a pregnancy with his man before. I won't go into detail but it didn't last and it was very traumatic. This was part of the reason I needed his support over the past few weeks, I have had some long term medical issues since the pregnancy. I am convinced the reason I want to make it work is because of the pregnancy but he acted terribly to me during this time.
It’s called trauma bonding.

I’m posting here rather than texting him. I want to reply ‘I asked why you disappeared and went quiet?’ as if I just want attention from him or to make him feel guilty. I know I would regret it.
Keep posting here and resist the urge to contact him. It looks as though he just wants the satisfaction of you chasing him. Given that he repeats this behaviour he is unlikely ever to feel guilt so yes, you would regret it.

I have been considering writing a list about everything he did wrong, like exposure therapy. Has anyone tried this?
Sounds a good idea as does therapy in general. Hope you go out and spend time with your friends and family and do things that you enjoy. Your friends will probably be relieved that you have ended things with him and be only to happy to support you. Look after yourself.

Thanks for the comments so far.

What makes it worse (more pathetic too!) is I was free of him for two years. I gave up on him, ignored him and then a few months ago he came back in touch, saying he was in therapy etc and he had changed. He really did seem to have changed at first.

In those two years I also had a lot of therapy and the term 'emotional abuse' came up but when I said this to him earlier in the year, he said he didn't abuse me and actually cried. I felt so guilty and didn't want to make it seem I was playing the victim.

There is so much that could be said from your few posts but let us summarise:

He has treated you very very badly over a long period
He has told you he won’t change
He has tried to blame you
He has denied treating you badly
He claimed to have been in therapy ( probably in another relationship and wanted company after he was dumped).
He knows he hurts you but pops up just as you give up hope.

Honestly this is bad. Please block on every single possible messaging service and be resolved to stay that way. If you need to vent come here. If you need therapy go there.

If you want a successful and reciprocal relationship you HAVE to stop this now. He’s blocking your future happiness.

Good luck.

He just texted......just asking how I am.

Why haven't you just blocked him already?

Stay strong!! Delete and block lovely you'll be so relieved once you're over the initial
Hurdle. There is a light at the end of the tunnel

I did and unblocked because I'm a weak lady

Hope you're staying strong @Timeout22 Sounds like this guy has been yo-yo-ing with you for too long.
I think I'd be tempted to text a reply stating clearly that the relationship is over.
Something like "You haven't been giving me what I need in this relationship and it's now over Goodbye" and then Block him on everything if you think he'll tempt you back in again.

Unfortunately no matter how much you want him too - he's not going to change into the vision of the man you need/want. You need to move on and find someone who deserves you and who you deserve.

Good Luck.

And so you go round again....
If you don't want to be a puppet, stop being one.
He isn't going to change.
There's no happy ending here.

You don't have to reply.

A long time ago, I had a 'getting back in touch' message and I realised that for the first time (there had been lots of times!) instead of feeling happy/relief, my heart actually sank a little bit when I saw it. I knew to answer it,would mean getting back on the shitshow merry go round.

So I didn't reply, and I have never looked back.

You've been in therapy - so you know this - You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself.

You have all the evidence you need to justify to yourself why you should call it a day and never see him again.
He goes silent on you and then says you've both been quiet
he told you he's changed but actions speak louder than words#
you call him out for upsetting you and he says you're the sensitive one
he let you down badly at a time when you really needed a partner to step up.

But at the end of the day, you don't really need a 'reason' to step away - you can simply step away.

Please don't waste anymore time on him - let him go and be himself

Look up 'sunk cost fallacy.'

Delete his text and re block him. Why are you weak for him? Look at his treatment of you? Is this what you want for the rest of your life? If not then get strong , focus on yourself instead of that looser

I agree with everything this poster has said. And I support you OP in writing a fuller list of his misdeeds.

I also think you should be angry with whoever taught you the life lesson that you owe people (or just men?) your time and love and should expect nothing in return - and that if you assert your needs you are being "cruel" to them.

Fuck this guy right off. He was horrible to you during your pregnancy. He's barely there emotionally with everyone he knows. He's not the answer to your life.

Let's see -
in therapy, you discussed how this relationship was emotionally abusive.

You told him this and he cried and denied that it was.

Now, who do you believe? The therapist who has no skin in the game other than trying to help you.

Or the man who of course doesn't want to be seen as an abusive person.

And bizarrely, it gets turned round on you so you feel guilty and like you're "playing the victim".

You are the victim. It may not be a word you're comfortable with, but between the two of you, it's not this bloke with his crocodile tears.

Maybe you're not ready to step off this abusive merry-go-round with him. You want to self-destruct with him as your weapon of choice?

That doesn't make sense. You've wasted x amount of time on him so you're going to waste more?

Your sham of a relationship is fucked up. Stop hoping he'll morph into a decent person and put yourself first. Dump him and free yourself.

Yes, this. @Timeout22 you need to break free from this endless cycle of what-ifs.

@Timeout22

do I call him out on his s--t

No. Be a grown up and call him out on his SHIT. Better still, just plain dump and block.

Oh my goodness OP I could have also written this word for word down to age and losing a pregnancy together. Feel free to DM if you ever want to chat. I am trying to cut the cord too, not that he even knows that yet!

He's never going to change - he pushes you away and then pulls you in again. You can't change him, you can't control him so you you need to change how you react to him.

You sound like you are addicted to the drama and that your attitude to the relationship is " a triumph of hope over experience." He has shown you time and time again down the years who he is. Did you not explore in therapy why you have become addicted to him? Is he a bit like one of your parents in some respects e.g. you felt a bit wary of them , you didn't know if they would praise or criticze you, you craved their acceptance and love but never quite got it?

Delete all his numbers, email, sm in your contacts and prepare to go cold turkey. If you want to never feel quite comfortable in a RL and always be on tenterhooks,never on solid ground, to perhaps have a child with him but never know where you stand and never feel truly loved and cherished and perhaps make life difficult in turn for your DC - then carry on as you have been.

Please - give up on this commitment phobe/avoidant attachment man and look to your own self care and reasons for your addiction to this toxic relationship and move forward in your life insted of being stuck in the same unrewarding groove.