Complicated, selfish and confused

[Ashbo12]

I know this will trigger people and probably cause a bit of conflict within the comments, but, myself and a male have had a very deep “friendship” if we can call it that for around 4 years now, from the second we met each other there was a connection, it started off just online exchanging messages and eventually turned physical and meeting up with one another (no intercourse, but sexual relations have taken place) it really isn’t just about the physical attraction, we have both agreed the emotional bond and connection we share is undeniable.

Due to our personal lives, it’s always been kept a secret (I imagine people will understand what is meant by this) and due to this we have attempted No Contact a few times now over the last 12 months and each time we come back together speaking and it just feeling like it should be this way (our situation was brought to light to his girlfriend by someone who knows him, he denied it and nothing more was said from her about it!) he has admitted to me that he loves his girlfriend but in more of a appreciative way rather than a IN love way (I understand I could be naive believing that🙄)

I can’t shake off the feeling that somehow we are meant to be together (cliche I know🤦🏼‍♀️) but my gut has always had this feeling towards him. I know everything about his life, his childhood, growing up, his adult life, his struggles, his relationship, as he does mine, i’ve never opened up to anyone like I have him and don’t think I ever could with anyone else, we can be completely vulnerable together and there’s never an ounce of judgement, being in his presence brings me comfort and it feels completely natural. It was never intentional to get to this it started completely platonic until I think it then became a bit of an emotional affair and when I realised that I was in deep! Before people say he’s having his cake and eating it, he isn’t as nothing physical has happened in a year as I said above it’s not just physical it’s very much emotional too. And before the obvious is stated, it’s not just as easy as to leave our own lives, there’s a lot to loose both sides.

Who is holding back with the sexual relations and what reason are they giving? I find it hard to believe that 2 adults have spent 4 years going part of the way, without going the full way. Not sure what thats about.

Also, you are clearly both taken so its shitty behaviour from both of you.

And i know this is going to sound harsh but if he really wanted you, he'd dump the girlfriend surely?

It is not an emotional affair or was an emotional affair at any point. It is proper long term cheating, possibly for both sides.

Can you see the amount of lies and damage this situation is creating around? That is not love, that is far form love.

If you both are so sure you are soulmates give it a go, however him denying you and telling you that he doesn't love her as a partner and bla bla bla is pure bullshit.

No judgement here, just talking about the facts you had posted.

We don’t see each other often at all due to personal lives, if we did I think there would be a lot more going on. Terrible I know.
Like I said, it really isn’t as easy as to just end our personal lives and run off together

Youre not in some ‘deep’ spiritual relationship, youre having a dirty, selfish affair.

This X100

I’m not disagreeing with either of you, it’s wrong and totally wrong at that, unfortunately the feelings can’t be helped although I wish they could as it would save a lot of heartache

The big question is if you’re so great….why isn’t he left his girlfriend for you? It’s not like she is a wife, just a girlfriend, so why has he stayed with her instead of being with you?

Very good question, I wish I had the answers to it!

You're suffering with delusion because its a forbidden apple / what if situation. It wouldnt work because you're both cheaters and opportunistic but also have no balls to follow through. You'd get together, ruin lives and instead of living happily ever after, you'd be in another shit relationship with 2 x cheaters.

I do think the “what ifs” eat me alive!!! I tell myself what is meant to be, will be. But then on the other hand think surely the feelings I feel aren’t for nothing, especially the deepness of them.

I never could understand how people have an affair. You either love someone or you do not, and if you do, you would not want to be with someone else. If you do want to be with someone else you should leave your current partner. Simple as that.

Feelings are intensified when they cant be acted on. You crave what you cant have. The grass aint greener on the other side.. all those things. More often than not, people leave imagining a great life. Its not exciting once the intensity/passion/secual tension is addressed and wears off. Day to day living with affair partners rarely works for long.

Feelings absolutely can be helped OP.

You can stop having these feelings by stopping indulging them.

Yes it’s perfectly normal to find other people attractive or to have a connection with someone who isn’t your partner, that is just life. But when that happens, if you are not single and available then the right thing to do would be stop contact and take yourself out of the way of temptation.

Stop romanticising it, you are not together and are not going to be by the sounds of it. Take yourself out of the situation and move on, if you’re not happy in your life and your relationship then make those changes before seeking out someone else.

Totally get what you’re saying, I don’t think our home lives are perfect, well obviously they can’t be or this situation would of never evolved, it’s hard to describe what’s going on in my head when I don’t even know myself.

I caught my ex texting someone with sexual intent. I let him leave. Who's crying at my door 2 months later because the excitement wore off? I asked why he did it. 'It was flattering, it felt exciting'. It was fun while he couldnt have it, he explored it and tried to come back. You should leave regardless because nobody deserves to look as stupid as your respective partners do.

You need to ask the question to yourself not a bunch of strangers: are you happy with this situation? If yes, then go on, if no then stop. You do sound like you have a major crush on this guy and hoping he leaves he’s girlfriend for you but doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen.

Regardless of how many people come here and say xyz, you clearly feel how you feel and people telling you its wrong is pointless. But you are both hurting people.

I’m not happy with the situation, but at the same time I’d rather have him like this than not at all. I KNOW that sounds so bad and like seriously girl get some self respect!!! But it’s much easier said than done when you’re living in the situation

Thank you for being understanding and not laying into me, I know it’s a awful situation i really do x

bog standard sordid affair, nothing more nothing less

Seriously girl, get some self respect. You deserve the real deal and not someone throwing crumbs at you. The more you keep this guy living rent free in your head the less space you have to find a good man who doesn’t cheat on his girlfriend.

I cannot and will never disagree with you, with this man my self respect is on the floor and I am totally self aware of that which makes it so much worse 🥲 thank you for being as nice as you could as I know the situation is superrrrr shitty x

it's just stupid sexual excitement egged on by secrecy, it means absolutely nothing even if you feel like it does.

After 4 years if he really wanted to be with you, then he would. Go no contact and move on with your life, your feelings for him will fade.

Our feelings only came to light maybe 10 months ago, and since this his personal life has became more complicated and complex, I sound like I’m making excuses I know I do but I’m not it’s just I know how it will look and sound off reading my post x