Complicated, selfish and confused

[Ashbo12]

I know this will trigger people and probably cause a bit of conflict within the comments, but, myself and a male have had a very deep “friendship” if we can call it that for around 4 years now, from the second we met each other there was a connection, it started off just online exchanging messages and eventually turned physical and meeting up with one another (no intercourse, but sexual relations have taken place) it really isn’t just about the physical attraction, we have both agreed the emotional bond and connection we share is undeniable.

Due to our personal lives, it’s always been kept a secret (I imagine people will understand what is meant by this) and due to this we have attempted No Contact a few times now over the last 12 months and each time we come back together speaking and it just feeling like it should be this way (our situation was brought to light to his girlfriend by someone who knows him, he denied it and nothing more was said from her about it!) he has admitted to me that he loves his girlfriend but in more of a appreciative way rather than a IN love way (I understand I could be naive believing that🙄)

I can’t shake off the feeling that somehow we are meant to be together (cliche I know🤦🏼‍♀️) but my gut has always had this feeling towards him. I know everything about his life, his childhood, growing up, his adult life, his struggles, his relationship, as he does mine, i’ve never opened up to anyone like I have him and don’t think I ever could with anyone else, we can be completely vulnerable together and there’s never an ounce of judgement, being in his presence brings me comfort and it feels completely natural. It was never intentional to get to this it started completely platonic until I think it then became a bit of an emotional affair and when I realised that I was in deep! Before people say he’s having his cake and eating it, he isn’t as nothing physical has happened in a year as I said above it’s not just physical it’s very much emotional too. And before the obvious is stated, it’s not just as easy as to leave our own lives, there’s a lot to loose both sides.

How do you think you'll feel if your husband finds out and leaves you?

So basically OP wish they were affair partner and tonight he is with his wife/ girlfriend and she wants to come on here to pretend and get validation.
Any attention is better than none right?
Even posting on Mumsnet to get your kibbles.
Just sod off

Because posting about your mind blowing connection whilst he is with his girlfriend/ wife is all you have. You are using Mumsnet to give you that excited feeling he's denying you .
Get over yourself. You are not special or he would be with you. We know this, so do you really. And I don't have an ounce of sympathy.

@Direstraightsagain You’ve put your own happiness above everyone’s else’s. Even this post is self indulgent.

"Your own happiness"? Sorry but she sounds miserable to me, caught in a trauma bond with a confused man who throws crumbs and with her self esteem on tatters.

Lmao thank you so much 🥲 x

"Your own happiness"? Sorry but she sounds miserable to me, caught in a trauma bond with a confused man who throws crumbs and with her self esteem on tatters.

If only there were something she could do about it, like leave one or both of her dysfunctional relationships and seek therapy to help address the unmet needs that are driving her selfish, fantasy-based thinking and behaviour.

I'm sorry you have to put up with some very nasty messages such as "you're not special otherwise he would be with you" (such a mean thing to say), but you're clearly trauma bonded to this man, which is a difficult thing to break but for your own mental health you're going to have to do it. Some therapy to help you see why you fell into this self destructive pattern and how to avoid it in the future would be helpful. See this as a drug addiction, the "quick fix" feels great but the side effects are devastating. Going NC is the first step.

How little thought you are both giving your respective partners.It's all me, me. The pair of you are morally bankrupt and you sound very immature. Have you any idea of the pain you will cause to others if this comes to light?

Do you think it might be time to take some responsibility here instead of falling back on the oh-but-the-feeling’s-so-strong over-romanticism?
Yes, it will be hard. Yes it will hurt. But have some respect for yourself and those around you and just stop this. You may not be able to stop the feelings you have in the short term but you absolutely CAN stop your actions and responses. No one is making you. You need to decide. And stop making excuses.

You can't always control your feelings, but you absolutely can control your behavior. Do the right thing and break up with him. He's not that into you anyway, or you'd be together.

Be together then

There’s some weird shit stuff being posted here in the dead of night 🙀🏋️‍♀️🤣🥂🎊

Unfortunately op, the vast majority of women involved in an affair feel like you do. It’s “special” or “ different” to other peoples seedy affairs, you are “truly soulmates”.
Occasionally, that is true, both parties leave their respective partners and build a new life together, happy ever after. Overwhelmingly though, this is not the case. Men are, in my experience, simple creatures. If he wanted to leave his girlfriend and be with you, he would. And he hasn’t. Do I think he is leading you up the garden path? Absolutely yes. But I really cannot stand the whining that comes from every single person who has made the same selfish choices as you “I can’t help it” or “it just happened”. Frankly, that is horseshit. You are a fully functioning adult female, perfectly capable of controlling your behaviour if you so wish to. You are choosing to behave in a way that you know is dreadfully damaging and traumatic to other people. Is that who you want to be? A cheat and a liar, with a life built on deceit? You need to start taking responsibility for your own behaviour. Own this shit and stop it. Now. If you want to leave your husband (I get the feeling that actually you are both married) then do it and stop fucking around. If you want to stay with him, then give him back his agency and tell him what you’ve done. The OM is frankly irrelevant. Who do you want to be? Take a long hard look at yourself, decide, then act accordingly.

What strikes me about every one of your posts is that you are clearly desperate to avoid admitting the truth. Despite claiming to be ‘self aware’.

You have done everything you can to avoid writing ‘I am having an affair’. Instead you’re busy framing it all as star-crossed lovers stuff and being weirdly vague about all the ‘complexities’.

Try stating the bare facts. For yourself.

It is an affair
He chooses to be with his girlfriend

And so on. Dressing it all up in romantic euphemism is not helping you. Nor are the snarky responses you’re giving to people on this thread.

You can easily end this.

Block his number
Change your number
Delete all social media

Put your energy into your current partner.

But you won't..

It’s also remarkable that you’ve said nothing about the partner you are cheating on.

Stop contacting each other, it really is that simple no matter how you try and justify it

Leaving aside whether it's worth the risk with OM - you're scared to break your current life but you've already broken it! You've fucked your relationship forever by having an affair. That will never go away. You're too cowardly to break up with your partner even though you've already destroyed the relationship. You need to end it with him regardless of what happens with the OM. Your behaviour is craven and pathetic.

He's been cheating on his current girlfriend for 4 years. Sounds like a right catch.

Okay, let’s put aside the affair for a minute. You’ve had enough advice about that.

How are you? I mean, really? You’re in a relationship (the long term one) that you’re not happy in, you’re seeking the attention of an unavailable man and you’re asking advice about the unavailable one (not the long term one) online. It doesn’t sound like life is great.

What can you do about it? Counselling to improve your self-worth? End your relationship? Changes to the rest of your life?

Forget the other man. Seriously. He’s a bit part. Be the protagonist in your own life.

Because Op and 'her' man have a deep, amazing connection that the rest of us can not understand. It's love! Just not enough love to actually choose to be together.

We are all meant to tell her to hold on in there, grab the precious moments and don't worry about anyone else.

Regardless the affair you are falling for his crumbles.

When his girlfriend had a hint of reality he denied you. That is part of most of affairs plot.

When you told him the affair needs to stop, he minimizes her and her feelings.

He doesn't hesitate to lie to the people he is supposed to love. That is a big no no.

You said you want a bit of him, that bit is poisoned.

This is a very old story that generally end bad. The likelihood of he leaving her with the above is negligible and if he leave her will be likely because she fully knows and kick him out.

Would you like to be second best? Would you put yourself through all of that?

I agree that there is a fantasy component in your feelings.

Yes, there are stories of evil partners and affairs that end well, but this doesn't look like one of them.

You have never mentioned your own partner. Are you married? Do you have children? How long have you been together. What is so wrong with that relationship that you are seeking with your "friend"?

I understand you are swept up in your star-crossed lovers dream, but go and look at your partner. Do you love them? Do you have any respect for them? If the answer is no, then at least have the decency to let them go to find a partner who will be true to them and then have a proper conversation with your "friend" and tell them they also have a decision to make. If the answer is yes, then you really need to stop being selfish and wanting the best of two worlds, a safe "home" and an exciting "away" and cut all contact with the other man and concentrate on the relationship you are in.

It won't be easy but it's decision time @Ashbo12 . What will you do?

My personal relationship hasn't always been easy, there's been cheating on my LT partners side, which I found out about a few months after it took place, I chose to stay. Then the year after is when I came into contact with the other man

@Ashbo12 My personal relationship hasn't always been easy, there's been cheating on my LT partners side,

You're unhappy in your relationship and that made you seek "elsewhere", but now you got double source of "unhappiness": your cheating partner who life wasn't always easy and the other guy throwing you bead crumbs who you're trauma bonded to. Double whammy shyte show. You know that being single is OK right? Unless of course you like the drama (lots of people do) but the drama is leaving you miserable with the self esteem on tatters judging by your posts, not only that but if any of your partner finds out it's going to be a real shyte show, because you're really playing with fire here. Again: seek some therapy, do some introspection to find out why you're doing this to yourself (and to others!). Maybe there's an emptiness or spiritual void in your life that makes you engage in certain types of thrills because it's the only thing that makes you feel alive. Therapy is your friend.