Complicated, selfish and confused

[Ashbo12]

I know this will trigger people and probably cause a bit of conflict within the comments, but, myself and a male have had a very deep “friendship” if we can call it that for around 4 years now, from the second we met each other there was a connection, it started off just online exchanging messages and eventually turned physical and meeting up with one another (no intercourse, but sexual relations have taken place) it really isn’t just about the physical attraction, we have both agreed the emotional bond and connection we share is undeniable.

Due to our personal lives, it’s always been kept a secret (I imagine people will understand what is meant by this) and due to this we have attempted No Contact a few times now over the last 12 months and each time we come back together speaking and it just feeling like it should be this way (our situation was brought to light to his girlfriend by someone who knows him, he denied it and nothing more was said from her about it!) he has admitted to me that he loves his girlfriend but in more of a appreciative way rather than a IN love way (I understand I could be naive believing that🙄)

I can’t shake off the feeling that somehow we are meant to be together (cliche I know🤦🏼‍♀️) but my gut has always had this feeling towards him. I know everything about his life, his childhood, growing up, his adult life, his struggles, his relationship, as he does mine, i’ve never opened up to anyone like I have him and don’t think I ever could with anyone else, we can be completely vulnerable together and there’s never an ounce of judgement, being in his presence brings me comfort and it feels completely natural. It was never intentional to get to this it started completely platonic until I think it then became a bit of an emotional affair and when I realised that I was in deep! Before people say he’s having his cake and eating it, he isn’t as nothing physical has happened in a year as I said above it’s not just physical it’s very much emotional too. And before the obvious is stated, it’s not just as easy as to leave our own lives, there’s a lot to loose both sides.

I think the main answer I was wanting from this was does he have any form of feelings for me? Is his relationship rubbish, does he love his girlfriend or is she just secure? Why do we keep coming back together time after time even after trying NC? It all overwhelms me, the feelings of is it genuine or am I delusional, it's really hard to describe.

I've been in a trauma bond myself and know how difficult it is to break so I believe you're being delusional. Yes of course he has feelings for you otherwise he wouldn't be engaging and having pseudo sex, but he has a partner that for x or y reasons he has no intentions to leave. This is toxic and making you feel miserable so time to gain control of your life and put an end to a toxic situation. He's probably getting a thrill by playing two women.

"I tell myself what is meant to be, will be."

Stop telling yourself this, it utter rubbish - but also a very handy way of evading responsibility for your own actions. It could easily translate as "my life is controlled by fate, so when things feel wrong I don't stop because fate is taking me somewhere I need to go".

Or: " it might be wrong but fate told me to, its part of a hidden plan" .

This is cowardly bullshit.

Your life is not controlled by fate, it's controlled by you. Sure fate aka random chance has an influence. But random chance doesn't have a plan, there are no "reasons"

The only reasoning and planning in this situation is going to be done by you, so take back responsibility and use your brain to work out what to do.

He’s not throwing crumbs. They’re both in it! He hasn’t said he’ll leave. There’s not crumbs. He seems pretty straight that this is not going to be relationship and he’s not leaving his partner.

The main answer you want might be about whether he has any kind of feelings for you. How could any of us know? Experience, plus what you’ve written says not, he’s having his cake and eating it. But you are completely avoiding all questions about your culpability in this. No thought at all for your own partner (to the point I actually doubt you have one) or his wife. Just ME ME ME. But nothing any of us will say will change your actions, so as you were.

does he have any form of feelings for me?

Nobody here can tell you whether he has real feelings for you, as none of us know him. You're the one who has been having an emotional/physical affair with him for four years. If you still feel uncertain enough about how he really feels about you to be asking a group of internet strangers for their take on it, you must be absolutely desperate, and the reason is probably because whatever feelings he has, they are nowhere near as substantial as you want them to be. Despite how blunt I've been with you on this thread, I don't mean that unkindly.

I think you have worked your "relationship" with him up in your head to be a grand soulmate romance, but I think the reality is that a very large portion of the whole 'we're fated to be together' is just your own fantasy. It doesn't matter if he's telling you 'You're so special to me, I've never met anyone like you' if he's not actually doing anything to back up those fancy words. That's the definition of the sayings 'talk is cheap' and 'whispering sweet nothings'.

A previous poster nailed it when they said that you need to stop framing everything in romantic or euphemistic language. Drop all the 'I feel like we're fated to be together' talk, as that is just imagination and magical thinking, and focus on the actual facts of the matter, for your own sake.

• I have been emotionally and physically cheating on my partner for four years
• My affair partner has not left his girlfriend and has not said he will
• We spend physical time together less than once a month [or whatever it actually is]
• In the past six months, we have spent a total of X hours together
• We message or speak [insert actual amount here]
• We have not had sexual contact in over a year
• Our entire relationship consists of text-messaging and/or phone calls in secret - no meals together, no co-parenting, no joint finances, no chore rosters, no parties with friends, no holidays, no family funerals or Christmases, no watching TV in the evenings, no juggling schedules or arguing about who left the bathroom dirty

I'm going to guess that the main reason you're staying in your relationship is that it seems like it would be very difficult to leave. Maybe you don't work, or you're poorly paid, or you'd have to move far away, or you rely on his family for childcare. So you're seeing the Other Man as your potential way out, if only he would leave his current relationship.

You'd do far better to concentrate your energy on fixing the problems that are preventing you from leaving your relationship, as you're clearly not happy in it. Block the Other Man, put the time you've spent agonizing over him or sneaking around on phone calls or text messages into finding a job or retraining or finding a reliable childminder or whatever. But stop keeping yourself stuck by telling yourself a story about how you're 'fated' to be with this guy. He's clearly not your white knight in shining armour.

No I really do appreciate your honesty, harsh or not. I'm someone who does need constant reassurance which in a situation like this isn't great. I don't feel trapped in my current relationship, the house is mine and I could very much afford it on my own, I have my own business and don't rely on anyone for anything, that's not the issue in this.

You said that you can't just be together because there is a lot of loose on both sides? What is it that you may both loose? From reading your posts you could afford to live on your own or move in with this guy. To be honest it sounds more like him stalling things and not leaving his gf. I believe you are ready to walk away from your relationship and be with him but making excuses for him because I dont think he wants to do that to be honest. If you both knew you where meant to be then you would be and make it happen. Even if it was long distance or whatever you wouldn't both be shagging other people on the sidelines. This isn't healthy for your mental health and also self esteem. Its like an emotional affair but thats all it may ever be. Is there children involved is that why he can't leave? You need to put pressure on either he chooses you or not. Either way you need to end your current relationship and find happiness elsewhere because clearly all your needs aren't being fulfilled within it

As far as i can see, the OP posted something equally cryptic yesterday and revealed in the thread they were caught out and denied it. Attention seeker cheated if you ask me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you ever think about anybody other than yourself? Maybe, for example, the people you are both cheating on?

@Ashbo12 No I really do appreciate your honesty, harsh or not. I'm someone who does need constant reassurance which in a situation like this isn't great. I don't feel trapped in my current relationship, the house is mine and I could very much afford it on my own, I have my own business and don't rely on anyone for anything, that's not the issue in this.

Maybe you unconsciously felt the need to get back at your partner because he had cheated on you and this is your "silent revenge" at him, problem is you got hooked on it like heroin and now it's making you miserable.

Affairs really aren’t that complicated. He’s not ‘so in love with you’ he can’t stay away it’s actually more he’s so broken and has a dark hole that needs filling and your contact, your validation, what he sees reflected in the way you look at him keeps that hole filled. He is an incredibly selfish and entitled human being who needs other people to fill the gap in himself because he can’t fill it himself as healthy people do. He’s addicted to the buzz, I expect he has other addictive behaviours.

He doesn’t leave because most of what he wants is there with his girlfriend. Whether he ‘loves her’ or not is debatable but he doesn’t ‘love’ you more or his actions would be clear and he would have left her. Tbh I think this kind of hole filling cheat is incapable of properly loving anyone. He’s unsafe, unsafe for her and if you were with him even more unsafe for you as he’s made it clear that she fulfils more of what he thinks he’s entitled to and deserves.

What frustrates me reading this post is you. I really have VERY little time for people who have been on the tail end of infidelity/cheating who then go on to cheat. You know exactly what it feels like to have your personal agency removed. You know exactly what it feels like to have your right to INFORMED sexual consent removed. You know exactly what it’s like to be gas lit and lied to, to feel like your going crazy, to try so hard to fix a problem but not have the clue you shouldn’t be trying to fix it at all. But you have chosen that for another human being and have continued to choose that for four years.

This sneaky, NASTY man is abusing her and you’re supporting him in this.

Your long term partner is clearly a similar character so you’re just out of the frying pan into the fire but you know who they are, she does not.

Stop painting rainbows and flowers around this and see it for what it is, a dirty addiction that needs breaking. Get into counselling you need it.

What is a deep friendship ? Your best friend is your spouse. Full stop. This is the person that you should be sharing everything with, even the "you know what I kind of feel kind of weird about that guy " 4 years ago. It would have nipped it in the bud. What is a true friend ? Not the "male" of your story. He is not a friend. Not anymore. You are not a friend to him either. And you do not love him. Love requires bravery. Fierceness, faith. Love is honest. You would know deep in your heart that this is it, you would have left your shallow relationship to build something better and bigger with you true "love". He would have done the same. That is the theory. "But". Your new"love" is not good enough. It does not rise a breadcrumb. You are proud of yourself because you were able to open up with someone. Well you did it out of boundaries. You had a hold up, this guy is stealing from you and your family : emotion, time, energy and what not. You did the same, you are stealing from him. Two robbers one next to the other. This does not make a couple as you are realizing. You need to nurture yourself. Perhaps your actual relationship is BS, you need to deal with that. Leave the shallow man alone. He is good enough to be a side chick but that's it. If you want to experience true love you know this is not on this kind of terms. It's not complicated, it's over before it's started. Free yourself. Do not contact him again, grieve and move on.

Why not inject some honesty in your life.

To others and yourself.

Your life is a lie, probably half this post is, it reads like you don't actually have a partner, very certain it's your own home and house and no mention of any fear or worry about him finding out.

It wouldn't surprise me if you are single with this man being the only highlight of your romantic life, waiting for his scaps, you have mentionitis, does he love me, does he not.
He loves the ego boost probably, and probably the fact that his marital life has turned to shit because the both of you have ruined his partner's mental health.
It's extremely cruel what you are both doing, gaslighting this poor woman who has suspitions, she was right and still both of you are denying the woman her reality, for 4 years, that's some nasty shit.

If I were you I'd try homing in on some empathy skills because all you care aboout is your own happiness, you are both morally bankrupt and I can't imagine how awful this poor woman's life has become because of two abusive individuals, who lie and deny her agency, she needs someone to protect her from you both and I hope she escapes this hell that you are inflicting on her.

It's not really a question of does he love you, it's more a question of how you both can continue to stick the knife into an innocent woman's life, very bad behaviour and you seem to have no shame.
Be honest with her, give her her life back, then you can sort out this rediculous arangement with him without the obstacle of making a mug out of a probably perfectly decent woman.

And the only question you want answering, does he love me ?

I would say not, I would say you are probably one of a few different women, if he can do this for 4 years, he is capable of anything.
He's horrible, why are you ignoring this ? probably because you're lonely.

Do the right thing and tell this woman but I doubt you will, you are both cowards and deep down you know this man does not love you above his other needs in life.