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Original poster

Complicated, selfish and confused

114 replies

Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 20:56

I know this will trigger people and probably cause a bit of conflict within the comments, but, myself and a male have had a very deep “friendship” if we can call it that for around 4 years now, from the second we met each other there was a connection, it started off just online exchanging messages and eventually turned physical and meeting up with one another (no intercourse, but sexual relations have taken place) it really isn’t just about the physical attraction, we have both agreed the emotional bond and connection we share is undeniable.

Due to our personal lives, it’s always been kept a secret (I imagine people will understand what is meant by this) and due to this we have attempted No Contact a few times now over the last 12 months and each time we come back together speaking and it just feeling like it should be this way (our situation was brought to light to his girlfriend by someone who knows him, he denied it and nothing more was said from her about it!) he has admitted to me that he loves his girlfriend but in more of a appreciative way rather than a IN love way (I understand I could be naive believing that🙄)

I can’t shake off the feeling that somehow we are meant to be together (cliche I know🤦🏼‍♀️) but my gut has always had this feeling towards him. I know everything about his life, his childhood, growing up, his adult life, his struggles, his relationship, as he does mine, i’ve never opened up to anyone like I have him and don’t think I ever could with anyone else, we can be completely vulnerable together and there’s never an ounce of judgement, being in his presence brings me comfort and it feels completely natural. It was never intentional to get to this it started completely platonic until I think it then became a bit of an emotional affair and when I realised that I was in deep! Before people say he’s having his cake and eating it, he isn’t as nothing physical has happened in a year as I said above it’s not just physical it’s very much emotional too. And before the obvious is stated, it’s not just as easy as to leave our own lives, there’s a lot to loose both sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 22:37

Direstraightsagain · 30/11/2023 22:27

You say you’d rather have him than not BUT You haven’t got him. You only know what he tells you. If you have nothing to do with his personal life how do you know what is going on… (unless it your friend or sibling etc and that is on another level of awful).
You can be together but sounds like the desire to not have a secret isn’t there. You both like the game? I feel like you are really lost in the thrill but by being lost your self interest has outweighed your values. Until you’re more truthful (with yourself too) there’s no resolution.

No definitely not a friend or sibling or anything like that, I just like to think he's truthful with me as he as no reason to lie, I'm aware I sound delusional and probably very naive to this man. I think we're both scared to take the leap for the simple fact it might not work out and then we'd loose the security of our current lives, again I KNOW this sounds AWFUL. I guess my reason for posting is purely to see people's opinions on if they think this man does have feelings for me or whether I'm just being led up the garden path and it's never going to go anywhere, my gut tells me it will one day reach a new level but again am I just so caught up in this fantasy that I'm delusional!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 22:40

NotSorryForTheReality · 30/11/2023 22:36

You know what you’re doing is wrong, I’m not going to double down on it because your gut has already put you in your place. It’s not ok but nobody’s perfect (secretly hoping he is in a new relationship and you aren’t both in long term relationships).

but I do think this is lust not love, especially if you haven’t spent much time together you have used each other to build up this imaginary perfect person for yourselves that doesn’t actually exist (his lack of commitment tells me he already knows this) you can’t continue to do that it’s really unhealthy, you both need to go one way or the other…sorry if that sounds harsh x

I HATE to say this but they are very much long term relationships!! I know the situation gets worse🤦🏼‍♀️ no I totally am open to everyone's opinions harsh or not, I do deserve it as what I am doing is so morally wrong and we both are aware of it.. yet seem to land back in the same position months apart x

OP posts:
Direstraightsagain · 30/11/2023 22:48

I don’t think you know yourself as a person. You are being led up the garden path but then maybe so is he by you. As you say you’re not prepared to take the leap! You seem to be making excuses for yourself.. without critiquing yourself. You want to know he likes you but don’t want to take a risk if he doesn’t. It’s not nice. You need to really reflect on your behaviours .. he’s possibly thinking the same as you. That he likes you but can’t risk it. But even so. Where does that leave you both … not clear enough to take the leap so it won’t work anyway. Your romanticising deceit. Not fair on your partners

PaminaMozart · 30/11/2023 22:50

Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 21:44

Clearly you don’t agree and I totally understand why, horrific situation. I know my feelings aren’t nonsense, the whole situation may well sound it and that’s ok, I asked for opinions and that’s what you’re giving 😀

Show quote history

I guess you just love the bones of this man, right?

FFS

grow up

Original poster
Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 22:52

Direstraightsagain · 30/11/2023 22:48

I don’t think you know yourself as a person. You are being led up the garden path but then maybe so is he by you. As you say you’re not prepared to take the leap! You seem to be making excuses for yourself.. without critiquing yourself. You want to know he likes you but don’t want to take a risk if he doesn’t. It’s not nice. You need to really reflect on your behaviours .. he’s possibly thinking the same as you. That he likes you but can’t risk it. But even so. Where does that leave you both … not clear enough to take the leap so it won’t work anyway. Your romanticising deceit. Not fair on your partners

You're right, I do feel quite lost, I am a very impulsive person who's life is quite 100mph constantly, but when I'm with him that feeling goes away and I feel calm and secure and very much at peace, like I just belong right there in that moment with him. It's such a strange feeling to describe as it sounds ridiculous and so cringe and rom-com worthy!

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 22:56

Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 21:16

Very good question, I wish I had the answers to it!

Show quote history

The answer is very simple. You're a no-obligation, easy, ego-boost for him and he is enjoying having his cake and eating it too. He is not going to leave his girlfriend for you, as if he really believed you two were soulmates or whatever, he would have done so long before now. The 'complications' are just excuses to keep the cake-eating situation in play.

Presumably you also enjoy the ego-boost and cake-eating, as I'm guessing you are also in a relationship that helps you stay laid/bills paid while you carry on your emotional/physical affair with your favourite head-fucker.

No contact and therapy for both of you is the way forward.

Fiftyvines · 30/11/2023 22:56

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/11/2023 21:06

Youre not in some ‘deep’ spiritual relationship, youre having a dirty, selfish affair.

Spot on. This isn’t some Romeo & Juliet love story, fated to be together but circumstances in the way, it’s just a seedy, dirty affair.

Direstraightsagain · 30/11/2023 22:59

It’s because it a fantasy. Hence you feel calm. Not real life. If it was real - imagine the complexity - not fun.
You are caught in this. It’s selfish because you’re enjoying it and don’t care about the deceit and betrayal. You’ve put your own happiness above everyone’s else’s. Even this post is self indulgent.

uhOhOP · 30/11/2023 22:59

Interesting that you said in your OP that there's a lot to lose if you attempt to start a life with this man. You are a coward on top of everything else. (They both are, in case anybody wants to tell me that it's not always the woman's fault, etc. Saying that though, is he a coward, or is he just stringing OP along for his own benefit?)

Original poster
Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 23:00

Direstraightsagain · 30/11/2023 22:59

It’s because it a fantasy. Hence you feel calm. Not real life. If it was real - imagine the complexity - not fun.
You are caught in this. It’s selfish because you’re enjoying it and don’t care about the deceit and betrayal. You’ve put your own happiness above everyone’s else’s. Even this post is self indulgent.

Nothing about this situation is enjoyable, trust me! I can see how it comes across that way- but absolutely not!

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 23:01

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Original poster
Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not dressing it up, I'm aware it's horrible and a very upsetting situation for all involved regardless of the outcome, however if I could of stopped the feelings developing I absolutely would've.

OP posts:
Lieslies · 30/11/2023 23:07

I have strong views on people who have affairs but, aside from that, it seems like it's time to shit or get off the pot. It can't continue like this.

Stop all contact and try to save your relationship.

Leave your partners and get together.

Both have risks. Such is life when you're a cheater.

What never works is trying to have your cake and eat it Which is what you are both doing at the moment.

Saweetie · 30/11/2023 23:07

I guarentee if you ask every single person involved in an emotional affair / crush / romeo juliet believers, they all feel how you feel. I felt the same for someone - without the cheating - this is not a unique connection/ special love / soul tie. Nobody doubts you feel how. But there is no point to this thread as you are defending it every opportunity because of how you feel and its going to continue until innocent people are destroyed by it. You sound silly and selfish because neither of you will take the risk because of the chance of losing your poor old comfort blankets at home. Is shameful tbh babe.

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 23:09

Not dressing it up, I'm aware it's horrible and a very upsetting situation for all involved regardless of the outcome, however if I could of stopped the feelings developing I absolutely would've.

@Ashbo12

It's not about your feelings, you self-indulgent princess. Do you think you are the first person to have strong feelings for someone else while in a relationship?

You CAN choose to stop the feelings. They will naturally fade over time after you make the choice to give this guy an ultimatum - "Choose us, or say goodbye" - and when he inevitably chooses his girlfriend, you accept that you've been living a fantasy, go no contact, start therapy, and either begin treating your actual partner with the respect he deserves by telling him you've had an affair and allowing him some agency in his own future or break up with him and do some work on yourself before starting another relationship.

Original poster
Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 23:11

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 23:09

Not dressing it up, I'm aware it's horrible and a very upsetting situation for all involved regardless of the outcome, however if I could of stopped the feelings developing I absolutely would've.

@Ashbo12

It's not about your feelings, you self-indulgent princess. Do you think you are the first person to have strong feelings for someone else while in a relationship?

You CAN choose to stop the feelings. They will naturally fade over time after you make the choice to give this guy an ultimatum - "Choose us, or say goodbye" - and when he inevitably chooses his girlfriend, you accept that you've been living a fantasy, go no contact, start therapy, and either begin treating your actual partner with the respect he deserves by telling him you've had an affair and allowing him some agency in his own future or break up with him and do some work on yourself before starting another relationship.

Edited

Thank you for your opinion! 🙂

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 23:13

Thank you for your opinion! 🙂

AKA lalalalala I don't want to hear this 😂

Milkand2sugarsplease · 30/11/2023 23:13

I think you need to separate what you have and what you want.

I know you say it's too complicated to ditch your "real life" for each other but really, if it's what you both wanted, you'd move hell and high water to make it happen.

Do you want him? Do you want him more than he wants you? Do you want him to want you but really know he doesn't so you "make do" with what he's offering?

You're both hurting other, innocent people in this and I do think you should have more thought about them in it all.

Make your decision and live with it...

Continue as you are, hurting others, and seemingly a little tormented yourself - unhappy with both your actual partner (if you were happy you wouldn't be doing it) and your AP

Leave your respective partners and make a life together.

Leave your respective partners and make a new life alone because you're not happy with your partner but you don't truly want your AP.

uhOhOP · 30/11/2023 23:13

Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 23:11

Thank you for your opinion! 🙂

Show quote history

Why are you coming across so cheery?

Original poster
Ashbo12 · 30/11/2023 23:16

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 23:13

Thank you for your opinion! 🙂

AKA lalalalala I don't want to hear this 😂

Nope not at all, I put this thread up expecting divided opinions on the situation and you've given yours so I'm saying thanks?

OP posts:
Saweetie · 30/11/2023 23:20

This one aint got a conscience.. not one concern for anything other than how you feel. Good luck to your poor partner.

Josette77 · 30/11/2023 23:22

Here's the thing...

You can avoid affairs. You can meet someone, feel a spark, and not indulge it.

You both knew exactly what you were doing for four years was wrong, that's why you didn't tell anyone. It's not rocket science.

You both made the choice to contact each other and get to know each other better..

These are all choices you could have made differently. You still could, but you are choosing not to.

If you were mature at all, you would walk away from your relationship. Not into someone else's arms, just for yourself and your partner.

You won't though, because as you well know. You are both selfish twats who can't be alone.

Malarandras · 30/11/2023 23:26

Why should anyone be kind to you over this? You are a liar and a cheater. You want your affair and your relationship. The situation is no more complex than that. Either you do the right thing, or you don’t. Up to you. You say you can’t help your feelings BUT you can help your behaviour and you chose not to. I feel sorry for your partner, and this man’s partner I really do. You two deserve each other.

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 23:26

Why are you coming across so cheery?

Because she's already decided that what's going to happen is that she's going to keep her husband on ice so that she's got an extra pair of hands with the kid/s, and wait for Loverboy's girlfriend to get through her cancer treatment or, ya know, die or whatever, so then they can be together.

At that point she'll give hubby the sadface speech about how they've grown apart and she doesn't see a way back, and run off to have her Happily Ever After.

You'll notice that there is no actual question in her original post.

MonsteraMama · 30/11/2023 23:28

Lol how embarrassing. What a pair of losers you both are. A love soooo strong, and yet neither of you have the balls to actually pursue it properly, because you know full well there's actually nothing to it and one of you would probably end up cheating on the other within a year if you did get together. Pathetic.