Complicated, selfish and confused

[Ashbo12]

I know this will trigger people and probably cause a bit of conflict within the comments, but, myself and a male have had a very deep “friendship” if we can call it that for around 4 years now, from the second we met each other there was a connection, it started off just online exchanging messages and eventually turned physical and meeting up with one another (no intercourse, but sexual relations have taken place) it really isn’t just about the physical attraction, we have both agreed the emotional bond and connection we share is undeniable.

Due to our personal lives, it’s always been kept a secret (I imagine people will understand what is meant by this) and due to this we have attempted No Contact a few times now over the last 12 months and each time we come back together speaking and it just feeling like it should be this way (our situation was brought to light to his girlfriend by someone who knows him, he denied it and nothing more was said from her about it!) he has admitted to me that he loves his girlfriend but in more of a appreciative way rather than a IN love way (I understand I could be naive believing that🙄)

I can’t shake off the feeling that somehow we are meant to be together (cliche I know🤦🏼‍♀️) but my gut has always had this feeling towards him. I know everything about his life, his childhood, growing up, his adult life, his struggles, his relationship, as he does mine, i’ve never opened up to anyone like I have him and don’t think I ever could with anyone else, we can be completely vulnerable together and there’s never an ounce of judgement, being in his presence brings me comfort and it feels completely natural. It was never intentional to get to this it started completely platonic until I think it then became a bit of an emotional affair and when I realised that I was in deep! Before people say he’s having his cake and eating it, he isn’t as nothing physical has happened in a year as I said above it’s not just physical it’s very much emotional too. And before the obvious is stated, it’s not just as easy as to leave our own lives, there’s a lot to loose both sides.

why don't you do it, run off together, I think you'll find your feelings will quickly change if you do, (and not in a positive direction), which is one way to solve the problem. honestly this is utter nonsense

Clearly you don’t agree and I totally understand why, horrific situation. I know my feelings aren’t nonsense, the whole situation may well sound it and that’s ok, I asked for opinions and that’s what you’re giving 😀

'you have a lot to lose on both sides' i.e. you are having your cake and eating it and treating your partners with utter disrespect - and then being all giddy at your perfect connection - I am sorry OP but it is really stomach churning

if you're feelings are so strong why are you not moving heaven and earth to be together? Or is this issue more that you don't fancy living in a smaller house/having less cash if you split with your partner and ditto for him

Exactly. Like I said, I do not get it. Stay or leave. There should be nothing in the middle.

*your feelings

Do either of you have children?

Yep.

'his personal life has become more complicated and complex' i.e. his girlfriend is pregnant???

Well what do you think the answer could possibly be?

So his girlfriend is pregnant?

For four years you've had an affair but only 10 months ago acted on it?

He is not that into you. He just isn't.

This situation is making your self esteem fall into pieces, it's bad for you and you know it. You're in a toxic "situationship". Just message him and let him know that this is not good for you nor fair on his GF, get rid and block. You'll do your mental health a favour.

No I wouldn’t say for the full 4 years it was l an “affair” as such, more a friendship which we knew was more than a friendship but never ever said anything.. until around 10 months ago the situation got brought up and we admitted then it was more than a friendship and a difficult situation

Did both your partners know about your close friendship?

Have you met his girlfriend? How would she have felt reading your texts for the last 4 years?

thank You so much for your replies, and being as kind as you can be! 😊

No they don’t, and no I haven’t. Also, if she had read them I doubt that there would be any relationship between them now.

No worries, I think we've all messed up at some point, we're human after all, now be wise enough to remove yourself from the mess. You deserve better than this shit sandwich you are being served.

Absolutely I know I’ve messed up and always always slated this type of behaviour, until I was involved in it and realised it’s hard!

is his girlfirend pregnant? in what way has his relationship 'become more complex and complicated?' this is all i can think of. I may never know..

She isn't no, I can't really say why it's became complex but for me it has!

He's had a sex change?

She's had a sex change. Dammit I will never know. oh well off to bed.

🥲

You say you’d rather have him than not BUT You haven’t got him. You only know what he tells you. If you have nothing to do with his personal life how do you know what is going on… (unless it your friend or sibling etc and that is on another level of awful).
You can be together but sounds like the desire to not have a secret isn’t there. You both like the game? I feel like you are really lost in the thrill but by being lost your self interest has outweighed your values. Until you’re more truthful (with yourself too) there’s no resolution.

You know what you’re doing is wrong, I’m not going to double down on it because your gut has already put you in your place. It’s not ok but nobody’s perfect (secretly hoping he is in a new relationship and you aren’t both in long term relationships).

but I do think this is lust not love, especially if you haven’t spent much time together you have used each other to build up this imaginary perfect person for yourselves that doesn’t actually exist (his lack of commitment tells me he already knows this) you can’t continue to do that it’s really unhealthy, you both need to go one way or the other…sorry if that sounds harsh x