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Original poster

Feel like a slave

107 replies

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 17:51

I moved in with OH earlier this year, we have 6 children between us (4 his, 2 mine) he has 50/50, mine are with their dad 2 nights a week.

since I have moved in I feel like I have got to the point where I do everything and he does nothing in the house apart from cook and most times it’s a joint effort.

he works a lot and I feel like he has planned all these nights out and he just expects me to be there to have all the kids (even when I don’t have mine).

we have a nice life in that we go out for tea once or twice a week and have drinks once a week in the local village but this is usually midweek off the cuff.

if I ask him if we can go something specific he won’t plan or make arrangements yet he can plan all sorts of nights out with other people.

i feel like he doesn’t make any effort anymore to do stuff with me, when I have said anything he just tell me we do stuff all the time which we do but it’s just to the local village after he has got home from work.

he makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable and maybe I am but I just feel like I’m just here doing everything and he doesn’t really care to make any effort to plan stuff with me.

suppose I just want to know how to deal with these feelings if anyone had any advice

OP posts:
boudiccathecat · 30/11/2023 17:53

Your feelings are valid, he needs dealing with.

pinkyredrose · 30/11/2023 17:55

Sounds like he wanted a live in maid/nanny with sex on tap. I'd move back out again.

coodawoodashooda · 30/11/2023 17:56

You've worked out who he is. It's clear he doesn't care about you. You don't want your kids to learn that you are a doormat. You need a plan to escape before you are too worn down to do so.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 30/11/2023 17:57

pinkyredrose · 30/11/2023 17:55

Sounds like he wanted a live in maid/nanny with sex on tap. I'd move back out again.

This

PickAChew · 30/11/2023 17:59

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 30/11/2023 17:57

This

Show quote history

I was about to "this" this as well!

So many men do the same.

Janetsmug · 30/11/2023 18:07

Agree with PP's but in the short term you need to start making your own plans for the nights you don't have your own kids at least, remove that assumption that you will just be there. A miracle might happen and it might open his eyes to what he's been doing and make him more considerate but more likely you will realise he's not actually adding anything good to your life and naturally move away from him. Either way don't just put up and shut up, people treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated and you need to show him you know your worth and won't put up with being taken for granted.

Original poster
Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 18:07

I’m so confused as we have been together for 4 years and we were happy and then he just stopped trying. I know he is stressed with work and I try to help by helping with other stuff as I think we should be team but maybe I’m the only one in the team :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 18:09

I know I need to start making my own plans, I don’t want to say anything as I think he’ll only change cos I have said, not because he values me, maybe I need to speak with actions rather than words

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 30/11/2023 18:13

He's stopped trying because he's got you where he wants you.

Just move back out again. Say it's not working for you.

TheCrystalPalace · 30/11/2023 18:14

He needs to be at home when his kids are there - you are not his default babysitter.

DowntonCrabby · 30/11/2023 18:16

Goodness move back out, you deserve much better than this Flowers

What a selfish, entitled knob!

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 30/11/2023 18:17

Borrowed from another similarly depressing post:
You are a nanny with a fanny.

tescocreditcard · 30/11/2023 18:20

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 30/11/2023 18:17

Borrowed from another similarly depressing post:
You are a nanny with a fanny.

😀

Original poster
Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 18:21

Should I say something? I don’t want to make rash decisions and leave unless I’m absolutely 100% as I don’t want to mess with the kids, mine and his, I do love them all and if I leave I leave for good.

OP posts:
susiedaisy1912 · 30/11/2023 18:22

Move back out op. Create boundaries. There is no mystery to his behaviour, you don't need to try to figure out why he's doing this. As others have said, you have moved in with him and given up your independence, you have become a step mum to 4 children and his housekeeper. It's all very convenient for him.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 30/11/2023 18:23

Do you ever get time with just your own dc op?

Original poster
Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 18:28

I do but unfortunately they are teenagers and don’t really want to do stuff with me anymore

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 30/11/2023 18:29

What's the housing situation OP? So you moved into his house. Do you still have your own or were you renting? How hard would it be to find a new place?

Agree on being less available on your childfree days. Also, maybe start doing a chores inventory/time budget type thing. You sound a little idealistic thinking he should just change off his own bat or out of love, not as a result of mutual discussions - that's overburdening a relationship with expectations imo. Both of you have to make an effort at communicating. Of course what you may end up finding out is there's a reason why he's divorced.

Flibbertygibbetty · 30/11/2023 18:30

I just can't believe anyone would live like this. Know your own worth and refuse to be used as a doormat. Why on earth would he think it’s OK for him to go out and leave his kids and assume you are a free babysitter? He sounds utterly selfish and a user. No he is not in a team. Is there any point in talking to him about a fairer way to have equality of work/housework/free time/together time or has he now shown his true colours? Can’t believe women are still not making life fair for themselves. Be absolutely uncompromising on this OP.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 30/11/2023 18:31

So moving out with your dc will give you a nice quiet life!! Do it. And soon.

Gettingbysomehow · 30/11/2023 18:31

Move out for God's sake he just wants a baby sitter for his kids and a servant. Get your self respect back.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/11/2023 18:32

Why does he need to make an effort now? He’s got you just where he wants you hasn’t he? Live in nanny, housekeeper. Job done

Isheabastard · 30/11/2023 18:32

The reason he makes you feel you are being unreasonable is because if he takes your reasonable complaint seriously, he will have to do something he doesn’t want to do. Ie stay in with his children.

It took me far too long to realise that some people just don’t play fair. If they can get away with it they will do so.

At the moment he can be as social as he wants, as he has a default babysitter. He won’t have forgotten what it was like before you came along.

Keep a log of how often he does this and if you get any say in it (does he even ask you if it’s ok if he’s goes out?).

pictoosh · 30/11/2023 18:40

Fuck sake. He's got you exactly where he wants you, demanding little, looking after his four (FOUR) kids, and providing him with a warm bed when he gets back from his adventures with his friends.
He's not going to want to change that! Prepare for fireworks, tantrums and accusations of hating his kids.

pictoosh · 30/11/2023 18:41

To add, there's not a penis on the globe who could tempt me to look after four kids that aren't mine while he pleases himself.