Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Feel like a slave

107 replies

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 17:51

I moved in with OH earlier this year, we have 6 children between us (4 his, 2 mine) he has 50/50, mine are with their dad 2 nights a week.

since I have moved in I feel like I have got to the point where I do everything and he does nothing in the house apart from cook and most times it’s a joint effort.

he works a lot and I feel like he has planned all these nights out and he just expects me to be there to have all the kids (even when I don’t have mine).

we have a nice life in that we go out for tea once or twice a week and have drinks once a week in the local village but this is usually midweek off the cuff.

if I ask him if we can go something specific he won’t plan or make arrangements yet he can plan all sorts of nights out with other people.

i feel like he doesn’t make any effort anymore to do stuff with me, when I have said anything he just tell me we do stuff all the time which we do but it’s just to the local village after he has got home from work.

he makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable and maybe I am but I just feel like I’m just here doing everything and he doesn’t really care to make any effort to plan stuff with me.

suppose I just want to know how to deal with these feelings if anyone had any advice

OP posts:

Eddielizzard · 30/11/2023 18:45

How old are his kids? Old enough to leave on their own?

TBH it does sound like you're the only one pulling your weight. It is so important to be valued.

Bananalanacake · 30/11/2023 18:56

And if you were in a relationship but not living together and he wanted a night out, what would he do? hire a babysitter, he must have done something before you moved in,

Original poster

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:07

I have my own house which I have sold although not yet completed. I have got rid of all my possessions or moved them into his house, we agreed that I would pay the money I make from the sale of my property off his mortgage and I would have a share of his house.

this was a time when I genuinely believed he loved me, I don’t so much anymore.

his two youngest children are 6 and 9 so cannot really be left alone, before I lived with him he used to get his mum to have the kids if he wanted to go out or his mate would come and drink with him in the house.

he earns a lot more money than me and provides financially so any night out or drink after work doesn’t count as a night out in his eyes as he needs to for work and the job does have an element of client entertaining.

I usually get money thrown back at me as he does pay for most things so then I’m the woman who wants for nothing but is still complaining.

OP posts:

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/11/2023 19:15

Don’t put your money into his house!
Run the other way.

sixteenfurryfeet · 30/11/2023 19:19

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:07

this was a time when I genuinely believed he loved me, I don’t so much anymore.

I usually get money thrown back at me as he does pay for most things so then I’m the woman who wants for nothing but is still complaining.

Bloody hell - don't get financially tangled with this man unless you have an absolutely watertight get-out clause.

So far he has sex on tap, someone to do all the household chores, be there for his dc when he decides to go out, and he doesn't even have to take you out on dates. Now it appears that you are also going to be paying his mortgage off for him. He'll then be able to save every penny of the mortgage repayments he's no longer making.

He's coming out of this rather well - what's in it for you?

honeyandfizz · 30/11/2023 19:21

No no no no!!!!! Take the house off the market and move back in. DO NOT let your financial stability go otherwise you will really really struggle to get it back.

Original poster

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:22

He says I have an issue with him going out, I don’t, I just hate the way he goes about it and then I get pissed off because I ask him to do stuff and he won’t plan anything with me.

he went out for lunch today with work, said he will be home at tea time, still no sign of him and he’s not happy with me because he has had to leave his car in town cos he chose to go out after it and I told him he should just drive home and not be drinking as he needs his car for the school run in the morning. Apparently he is getting a taxi with 5 of the kids he would usually take (I take my daughter who goes to a different school) to which I told him he was being ridiculous and he should be driving home or planning his life better ie getting the train into work this morning.

OP posts:

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 30/11/2023 19:28

Run! Get your house back and leave. This is not going to end well if you combine finances.

Fourfurrymonsters · 30/11/2023 19:32

For the love of all the gods, cancel your house sale and move back out. DO NOT give this man a Penny of your money. He’s stopped trying because he’s got sex, childminder and a housekeeper on tap now. If you feel like a slave it’s because you are.
Wakey wakey!

Janetsmug · 30/11/2023 19:34

Today is just further proof he wants to be able to do whatever the fuck he likes and have someone else (you) clean up the consequences OP. You can't fix this, even if he improves short term you will be fighting a constant battle to stop him slipping back into taking you for granted/taking advantage of you because that's obviously his default.

No one could keep that up long term, it would be utterly exhausting for you having to defend your boundaries all the time and I really think you should be extricating yourself now, before things get any more complicated and financially enmeshed.

Sorry, I know that's going to be hard to come to terms with but he's shown you very clearly who he is now and continuing this relationship will only lead to entitlement on his part and resentment on yours.

Original poster

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:42

I know all of this, I’ve given so much, I’ve upheaved my kids, I love his kids and I just don’t want to take any decision lightly. I need to calm down and will say something, I love him and I wish I didn’t but maybe I’m Iiving for what we used to be like

OP posts:

Tillybud81 · 30/11/2023 19:42

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 18:07

I’m so confused as we have been together for 4 years and we were happy and then he just stopped trying. I know he is stressed with work and I try to help by helping with other stuff as I think we should be team but maybe I’m the only one in the team :(

Stressed with work? Why is this the default excuse for men to be lazy at home, is it the line they feed us with as an excuse to do nothing at home? Seen it on so many posts lately

Original poster

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:43

I’m supposed to be having tea with him, haven’t heard from him since 3.45.

OP posts:

StrawberryWater · 30/11/2023 19:48

Please leave this man.

Pack your stuff and go back to your own house. Stop the sale.

He has no respect, doesn't care and only uses you as a nanny.

He will leave you with nothing.

Do something before that happens.

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 30/11/2023 19:51

Tillybud81 · 30/11/2023 19:42

Stressed with work? Why is this the default excuse for men to be lazy at home, is it the line they feed us with as an excuse to do nothing at home? Seen it on so many posts lately

Show quote history

Depressingly predictable isn't it!?

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 30/11/2023 19:51

DONT PUT ANY MONEY IN HIS HOUSE!!! And actually I’d stop the sale if your house for the moment.

You need your exit route if anything goes per shape, esp as you are not married. (Or he happens to die unexpectedly etc…).

As for what going on….

he doesn’t do anything g in the house
leaves with the kids and doesn’t check if you are ok with it - it’s expected
if you grumble about something, you get ‘I pay for everything’ thrown at you.

I’m going to guess he was a lovely guy when you both had your own houses but he has changed his tune since you moved in…..

I think you really need to have a word with him. Yes you shouldn’t have to do that. But telling him gives him the chance to realise what he has been doing and get straight. If he doesn’t, gets defensive, tells you he pays so much more etc…. Then you have your answer.
But you can certainly sit down with him and discuss the division if labour in the house (who does what, just I assume you’ve discussed who pays for what).
See how it goes.
Then make yourself unavailable. If he says ‘oh I’m going out on Thursday’ with the expectation you’ll be in. Say No. You didn’t know he had plans and have something else planned.

But the way he acts will tell you how much he respects you as a person. And what is his outlook on the ‘woman’s role’ vs ‘man’s role’ in a relationship.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 30/11/2023 19:53

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:43

I’m supposed to be having tea with him, haven’t heard from him since 3.45.

He is punishing you for daring not drop everything and jump to his rescue.

Im sure that before you were living together, he was able to plan ahead re car and what to do with the dcs the next day.

Original poster

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:59

I can’t just move back to my house, I have got rid of most of my stuff

OP posts:

GKD · 30/11/2023 20:00

You prob ending up losing much more than house stuff in the future.

Esp if you out your funds into his house….

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 30/11/2023 20:03

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:59

I can’t just move back to my house, I have got rid of most of my stuff

Yes you can. The sunk cost fallacy is keeping you in a far worse situation.

https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy

You are not a rehab centre for a selfish man.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy - The Decision Lab

The Sunk Cost Fallacy describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits.

https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy

AnneElliott · 30/11/2023 20:10

Cancel the sale of your house. You can always rent it out if you want to give it more time.

Once you've sold it you're trapped

N4ish · 30/11/2023 20:15

Please, please cancel the sale of your house. If not you’re going to be in a horribly vulnerable position relying on this awful man for everything.

AntiHop · 30/11/2023 20:20

Yes you can. Buy the basics and you'll work it out from there.

StrawberryWater · 30/11/2023 20:25

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:59

I can’t just move back to my house, I have got rid of most of my stuff

You absolutely can! Buy some basics, a couple of sleeping bags and when you have some money go to the Heart foundation furniture shop and furnish the place.

Do you even have a legal agreement set up so that if you put money into his house you can get it back or are you just going on his word?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 30/11/2023 20:30

Why on Earth did you sell your house?

All the couples I know who got together when they both had houses rented the other house out for a year or so (or forever) so if it didn't work out they still had their house!

Absolutely crazy to sell your house 🤯🤯🤯

He gets a live in maid, nanny, person to have sex with and you are left with nothing.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5