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Original poster

Feel like a slave

107 replies

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 17:51

I moved in with OH earlier this year, we have 6 children between us (4 his, 2 mine) he has 50/50, mine are with their dad 2 nights a week.

since I have moved in I feel like I have got to the point where I do everything and he does nothing in the house apart from cook and most times it’s a joint effort.

he works a lot and I feel like he has planned all these nights out and he just expects me to be there to have all the kids (even when I don’t have mine).

we have a nice life in that we go out for tea once or twice a week and have drinks once a week in the local village but this is usually midweek off the cuff.

if I ask him if we can go something specific he won’t plan or make arrangements yet he can plan all sorts of nights out with other people.

i feel like he doesn’t make any effort anymore to do stuff with me, when I have said anything he just tell me we do stuff all the time which we do but it’s just to the local village after he has got home from work.

he makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable and maybe I am but I just feel like I’m just here doing everything and he doesn’t really care to make any effort to plan stuff with me.

suppose I just want to know how to deal with these feelings if anyone had any advice

OP posts:
LeRougeEtLeNoir · 30/11/2023 20:31

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:59

I can’t just move back to my house, I have got rid of most of my stuff

Of course you can!

Maybe it will a bit if time to buy all the stuff you had. But you don’t need much to start with. A fridge-freezer, a cooker, beds.
Then you can add back the stuff you want.

What is the alternative fir you?

LylaLee · 30/11/2023 20:32

You started this thread before the sale was complete because you KNOW.

You've sold all your furniture? Congratulations, you get to start afresh how you want it.

A fridge, cooker, washing machine, sofa, table, TV, beds wardrobe. Get the shittiest ones from Freecycle. Replace one by one over the years.

The cost of these is less than the cost of being 'a nanny with a fanny'.

AutumnFroglets · 30/11/2023 20:33

Haven't read all the thread so will go back however

I moved in with OH earlier this year

Move back out asap. Life will not improve for you until you do.

EtiennePalmiere · 30/11/2023 20:33

This makes my blood run cold, you're just going to give him all the money from your house ? This really isn't good. Have any lawyers been consulted by you or him, or together ?

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 30/11/2023 20:35

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, presumably he was a decent boyfriend but as you have now discovered, he’s a rubbish house mate.
Say ‘This doesn’t work for me’ and go back to your own place , and a peaceful existence, with dating him as before.
Buying some furnishings now will be way less expensive than extricating yourself from a financial enmeshment in the future.

LylaLee · 30/11/2023 20:38

EtiennePalmiere · 30/11/2023 20:33

This makes my blood run cold, you're just going to give him all the money from your house ? This really isn't good. Have any lawyers been consulted by you or him, or together ?

He must have a magical cock which scrambled OP's brain.

"A live nanny plus a housekeeper would cost you £30,000 per year? I know, I'll do it for free! And while I'm at it, let me pay off your house? What about me? We'll magically be together forever, no need to worry my pretty head! Sex three times a week? Yes sir! And I'll go to work to help pay some of your bills too! Three bags full sir!"

AutumnFroglets · 30/11/2023 20:40

Oh dear God I wish I hadn't gone back and read. Do NOT give him your money. Use that money to buy another house for you and YOUR two children. Those poor children who suddenly no longer have their mum because she's looking after his four children instead 😱

LylaLee · 30/11/2023 20:42

AutumnFroglets · 30/11/2023 20:40

Oh dear God I wish I hadn't gone back and read. Do NOT give him your money. Use that money to buy another house for you and YOUR two children. Those poor children who suddenly no longer have their mum because she's looking after his four children instead 😱

It sounds like the sale can still be stopped if OP calls in the morning. It will irritate everyone, but so what? It's her life.

watcherintherye · 30/11/2023 20:48

I’m so confused as we have been together for 4 years and we were happy and then he just stopped trying.

No need for confusion. He stopped trying as soon as you moved in with him, and he’d got you where he wanted you. Honestly, they’re so predictable.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 30/11/2023 20:54

GrumpyPanda · 30/11/2023 18:29

What's the housing situation OP? So you moved into his house. Do you still have your own or were you renting? How hard would it be to find a new place?

Agree on being less available on your childfree days. Also, maybe start doing a chores inventory/time budget type thing. You sound a little idealistic thinking he should just change off his own bat or out of love, not as a result of mutual discussions - that's overburdening a relationship with expectations imo. Both of you have to make an effort at communicating. Of course what you may end up finding out is there's a reason why he's divorced.

He's a fully functioning adult who had his kids 50/50 before OP moved in. It is perfectly reasonable to expect a man to act like an adult and.do his share and especially to care for his OWN DC. We shouldn't infantilize men like this. Especially since he was doing this all on his own before OP moved in. Unless the house was a cess pit and his kids were neglected he is well aware of what needs doing and how much work is involved. At best he's taking the piss, but given he's turning it around on OP and making out she's unreasonable not to want to do everything for 4 kids that aren't hers he's just a garden variety jerk who thinks everything domestic is the woman's responsibility.

REignbow · 30/11/2023 21:02

Not meaning to worry you but if you sell your home, what are the guarantees that he will put your name on the deeds to the home you share?

l ask as you have only lived together for 6 months and already he is showing you who he is.

He never asks but expects YOU to care for his DC so he can go out
He expects you to be responsible for the majority of domestic tasks
He gaslights you making you to feel that it is your issue.
He believes that as he earns more he has more say in things

YOU need to stop being so passive.

IMO it’s a LTB situation but if you want to continue I would

Halt the sale of your house and put it up for rent

When your DC are with their father arrange to go out. Make it clear that you are not available to babysit be the default childminder

Pull back on helping him with his younger DC as he believes that having a vagina equates to doing everything for his DC so he can sit back and relax

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 30/11/2023 21:06

OP, if you transfer him all your money, and he puts this into the mortgage, how on earth can you get it back if you split up later on?! Even if you are on the deeds somehow you would have to convince him to sell or he would need to give you the cash back from savings. This is a horrendous situation, whatever you do, do not give him the money! It is yours, and it is for your future and your children (I would also be cancelling the house sale tomor and make a new plan, move back in or even just to rent it for a bit to see how things go) (I wonder if all the issues here with him are the reason he split from his previous partner!)

Also, how do your children feel about the new housing arrangement, would they be keen to go back to how things were before, living separately?

GodDammitCecil · 30/11/2023 21:07

You’re a mug to stay living with him.

You can be a couple that lives apart - this is perfectly normal.

He just wants a live-in babysitter.

The current arrangement suits him down to the ground.

It does not suit you.

Why are you throwing your happiness and well-being down the drain for him?

Why is he more important?

Codlingmoths · 30/11/2023 21:11

You might have gotten rid of your stuff but you still have a house! That’s much more important. How long do you have to cancel the sale?
if it’s a week, tell him to assume you are out or busy if your kids aren’t here, and if he wants to go out he will have to make other plans for his kids. His FOUR kids, who are younger than yours and have many more years of needing to be looked after. If he says that’s not ok, cancel the sale. And go see friends. Be free, not the always available nanny.

GodDammitCecil · 30/11/2023 21:11

And then men like this wonder why the sex dries up.

FML…… 😑

Codlingmoths · 30/11/2023 21:13

If the house sale ends up going through do NOT send him the money. Ask for the contract making a portion of the house over to you to start with. If he won’t do that at least you have your deposit, you haven’t lost everything.

Original poster
Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 21:18

I have only recently agreed the sale so contracts have only just been sent. He is still not home, not even the courtesy of a message to say he’ll be late or to have tea without him. I’m taking my own DCs to my mum and dads tomorrow evening and I will stay there for the evening and have a drink with them in their bar, I need some space

OP posts:
Original poster
Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 21:19

I am also debating going through with the sale and purchasing another house in an area I hoped to live before I met OH.

OP posts:
magicofthefae · 30/11/2023 21:25

You need to stand up for yourself.

Be out the house every day and evening that your own DC are not with you.

Stop doing the chores/nannying for his kids and him.

Your boyfriend is so bad I would do anything I could to move out immediately if I were you. Move back to your house, proceed with the sale, selling it as part of chain, linked to the new house you wanna purchase, in the new area you like. Don't give a penny to him.

What an absolute jerk. Get rid ASAP.

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 21:27

christ get out of this. you're just upaid childcare, food and sex provider. get rid

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 21:27

f-ing men taking piss again

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 21:28

of course he is trying to make you feel like you are being unreasonable, otherwise he'll lose his free ticket. the guy's a jerk

FloweryWowery · 30/11/2023 21:29

What am i reading?? He has his kids 50/50 presumably because he doesn't want to pay maintenance but then you care for them. Does little round the house. Stays out and doesn't let you know when he coming back. And as he's clearly such a prince, you're going to hand all your money to him and say goodbye to security for you and your DC. What must your DC think? How does he have such a hold over you?

AutumnFroglets · 30/11/2023 21:33

not even the courtesy of a message to say he’ll be late or to have tea without him.
^^ Remember this. You aren't worth 20 seconds of his time for him to send you a text. He thinks so little of you yet is happy to take your money, your cleaning duties and your ability to look after his children. Wow.

Leave, buy your own house for you and your children. Invest in therapy to find out why you think so little of yourself too.

mightymam · 30/11/2023 21:40

He saw you coming, didn't he? And I bet you won't do anything until he takes what he needs from you and breaks up with you and then you'll be back with another story. LTB. Now.