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Original poster

Feel like a slave

107 replies

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 17:51

I moved in with OH earlier this year, we have 6 children between us (4 his, 2 mine) he has 50/50, mine are with their dad 2 nights a week.

since I have moved in I feel like I have got to the point where I do everything and he does nothing in the house apart from cook and most times it’s a joint effort.

he works a lot and I feel like he has planned all these nights out and he just expects me to be there to have all the kids (even when I don’t have mine).

we have a nice life in that we go out for tea once or twice a week and have drinks once a week in the local village but this is usually midweek off the cuff.

if I ask him if we can go something specific he won’t plan or make arrangements yet he can plan all sorts of nights out with other people.

i feel like he doesn’t make any effort anymore to do stuff with me, when I have said anything he just tell me we do stuff all the time which we do but it’s just to the local village after he has got home from work.

he makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable and maybe I am but I just feel like I’m just here doing everything and he doesn’t really care to make any effort to plan stuff with me.

suppose I just want to know how to deal with these feelings if anyone had any advice

OP posts:
itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 30/11/2023 21:55

I wouldn't even bother saying anything to him, you've tried that and had your answer.
If you threaten to leave if he doesn't change he'll pull his socks up until you've sold your house and paid off his mortgage then he's really got you right where he wants you, absolutely trapped, then he'll revert to his old ways.
Keep schtum, sell the house and buy a house where you wanted to live before you met him.
You day your dps have a bar, is it a pub, do they have spare rooms for you and your DC while you sort out your housing situation?
Don't let this relationship go any further, you'll regret it

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 21:59

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 21:19

I am also debating going through with the sale and purchasing another house in an area I hoped to live before I met OH.

Sounds like a good plan. Good for you

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 22:01

surely your kids will be a lot happier having you to themselves?

Almondsupreme · 30/11/2023 22:04

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 21:19

I am also debating going through with the sale and purchasing another house in an area I hoped to live before I met OH.

Thank God you have options. Buy this house and regain your life. Spend your time focusing on your own kids

Wishitsnows · 30/11/2023 22:08

He has his kids 50 50 to avoid maintenance, uses you for free childcare and wants the equity from you and your childrens house so you are stuck if you want to move on and may end up with nothing. He can’t even send you a text. Definitely go to your parents, get some headspace. He is using you. You deserve so much better than being his free nanny to avoid him paying maintenance. Bet his ex was happy to be rid of him.

DaughterNo2 · 30/11/2023 22:09

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:07

I have my own house which I have sold although not yet completed. I have got rid of all my possessions or moved them into his house, we agreed that I would pay the money I make from the sale of my property off his mortgage and I would have a share of his house.

this was a time when I genuinely believed he loved me, I don’t so much anymore.

his two youngest children are 6 and 9 so cannot really be left alone, before I lived with him he used to get his mum to have the kids if he wanted to go out or his mate would come and drink with him in the house.

he earns a lot more money than me and provides financially so any night out or drink after work doesn’t count as a night out in his eyes as he needs to for work and the job does have an element of client entertaining.

I usually get money thrown back at me as he does pay for most things so then I’m the woman who wants for nothing but is still complaining.

What the hell have you agreed to?
dear god

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2023 22:10

Complete the sale then buy elsewhere. You aren’t the ‘help’. If his kids are there, he needs to be too. You are not their mother. Don’t let him treat you like the maid.

Iheartmysmart · 30/11/2023 22:12

You sound so passive about all this. You’re in a better position than many, take your house off the market and move back with your kids. You’re worth far more than being a bloody maid service for a lazy, self absorbed twat.

PickAChew · 30/11/2023 22:37

New furniture is cheap compared with a life shackled to this user.

pinkyredrose · 30/11/2023 22:39

I have my own house which I have sold although not yet completed. I have got rid of all my possessions or moved them into his house, we agreed that I would pay the money I make from the sale of my property off his mortgage and I would have a share of his house.

Fucking hell!!! Madness!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/11/2023 22:39

Stop your house sale right now!!!
Any money you might lose will be better than living with your "D"P
Now you've moved in, he doesn't need to make any effort as in his eyes he has a childminder, cook and maid!
Move back in and start again with second hand everything and replace in time
Peace of mind is priceless

DelightfullyDotty · 30/11/2023 22:43

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 30/11/2023 21:55

I wouldn't even bother saying anything to him, you've tried that and had your answer.
If you threaten to leave if he doesn't change he'll pull his socks up until you've sold your house and paid off his mortgage then he's really got you right where he wants you, absolutely trapped, then he'll revert to his old ways.
Keep schtum, sell the house and buy a house where you wanted to live before you met him.
You day your dps have a bar, is it a pub, do they have spare rooms for you and your DC while you sort out your housing situation?
Don't let this relationship go any further, you'll regret it

This. Please don’t give him your money.

pinkyredrose · 30/11/2023 22:51

i feel unhappy most of the time

This is what you wrote on your other thread.
Please stop the house sale or buy the other house if you can.

Staying with him would be torturing yourself. He doesn't care. Now he's got you where he wants you he's treating you with contempt. You deserve more than this. Your children deserve more.

labamba007 · 30/11/2023 22:54

Why does he have his children 50/50
If he isn't there to take care of them. He needs to be there during his time with them!

labamba007 · 30/11/2023 22:57

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 21:19

I am also debating going through with the sale and purchasing another house in an area I hoped to live before I met OH.

Do this OP, get a lovely new home in a place you'd love to live.

Sahlives · 30/11/2023 23:02

Dear God Do not pay off his mortgage!! Get some legal advice. Honestly!!!

Ceci03 · 30/11/2023 23:11

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 21:19

I am also debating going through with the sale and purchasing another house in an area I hoped to live before I met OH.

Please don't debate any longer. oP listen to us on here please.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/11/2023 23:33

If you can't move back into your place, buy another place immediately. This man is just using you. If you put your money into his house you'll bitterly regret it.

His poor kids. I really feel for them, but you do need to put yourself and your own children first here.

unsync · 30/11/2023 23:38

I have my own house which I have sold although not yet completed. I have got rid of all my possessions or moved them into his house, we agreed that I would pay the money I make from the sale of my property off his mortgage and I would have a share of his house.

Whoa. This changes everything! DO NOT DO THIS. So many reasons, as outlined by PPs.

RedHelenB · 01/12/2023 05:28

Noonetoldmeaboutit · 30/11/2023 19:59

I can’t just move back to my house, I have got rid of most of my stuff

Yoy can buy more.

schmuzz · 01/12/2023 05:49

What the actual fuck. Stop worrying about his kids and worry about your own life. He's the one fucking up his living situation - not you. The absolute audacity of the man. Let him sort his own childcare and mortgage out.

Be prepared that when you tell him you're moving out he will grovel, be good for a few weeks and then you'll be back to being the nanny and maid. Don't put any money into his mortgage for the love of god.

euff · 01/12/2023 06:04

You have taken all the risk emotionally and financially. If you decide to go through with the sale don't give him any money for the mortgage without getting proper independent advice. You should know how much of the property you will legally own as well as how you will own it. If you own as tenants in common and something happens to you he will own it completely and pass it on to his kids leaving yours with none of what you put in. Even if you own it as joint tenants you should make sure you have an up to date will.

Selling an asset you own yourself is massive. I would reconsider doing that. Would you be able to buy again yourself if you needed to? Would you be happier selling and buying in the area you wanted and keeping separate homes. If you can't afford to run two homes can you rent a me out?

AllEars112232 · 01/12/2023 06:12

@Noonetoldmeaboutit It's good you have a house, that gives you options.
Buying another might be a good idea, but whatever you do, DO NOT put money into his house. Then you ate completely trapped.
Keep your house as you exit plan.

BTW, have you talked about this to your children at all? They might also be having their own doubts about the arrangements. Check in with them about how they are feeling.

PaminaMozart · 01/12/2023 06:23

Whoever called you a nanny with a fanny was spot on.
Crude maybe but he saw you coming.
And you're not even getting paid, or getting time off!

Pull out of the house sale today.
Don't tell him - he'll pull out all the stops to get you back on board, but then it'll be back to the same old.

Don't worry about furniture.
All you need is 3 mattresses to begin with.
Source a sofa and other bits and pieces from charity shops, Freecycle etc.

You will feel soooooo relieved to be back in your home!!

efeslight · 01/12/2023 06:23

Read this thread last night, and it was 1 of the first things I thought of this morning.
Please do not sell your house, but if it is too late to stop, buy your own place.
Giving the money away to pay off someone else's mortgage would be, for me, not an option at all.
Look after yourself and your own 2 children

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