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Original poster

Am I overthinking or is my bf lying & using me?

117 replies

mamabear9898 · 29/11/2023 15:03

So I've known this man little over 3 years. Been on and off for 2.5yrs. Lots of past. We have decided to put it past us. We had friendship first, so he met my child ( now 7) we're now in a relationship, he tells me he loves me. Wants me. But will never want to move in with me because it's "too much" and he won't get space. ( he stayed with us for a few months before but seemed to love it) And never wants to have children. Something I've struggled with since my first and desperately want. He only wants to see me twice a month (lives 2.5/3 hrs away) . Doesn't like the idea of marriage really but unsure and wants to stay this way until we're "grey and old and then maybe move in". He's very isolated. Only has his two older parents who all this live worked opposite shifts in which his dad slept all day. Only had 1 serious relationship before me. No family. No friends except work colleagues. Maybe this is how he wants to live. But I can't imagine being with anyone else or him not being part of my life . But also don't want my child to think this is normal. Honestly when I say his tone is off with my child ( just not engaged ) says he will get used to being around her. It's been years and he used
To coach children? Anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
sixteenfurryfeet · 29/11/2023 16:19

What's in it for you?

PaminaMozart · 29/11/2023 16:22

Please read your post again and write down every single red flag you see.

NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 29/11/2023 16:27

He's not really your boyfriend or partner in any real sense, is he?
What you have described is not a relationship. It's all on his terms.

Bettyneptune · 29/11/2023 16:28

Yeah I would agree with the person above, I would read what you've written. Sounds awful.

Just the fact alone they can't speak to your child "normally" would be a NO from me.

He had all these demands and yours just come second ???

AllEars112232 · 29/11/2023 16:28

"But I can't imagine being with anyone else or him not being part of my life"
But he's NOT a part of your life is he? He dips on and out as he wants (who knows what he's up to for the other 28 days of the month!). No concern or consideration for you, or your child.
And he's not treating your child well, and really that's on you for exposing her to this very abnormal situation.
He had terrible role models in his parents now he's forcing you to accept his odd life style!
You might think this is okay, but for goodness sake move on and stop this impacting on your child!

SamW98 · 29/11/2023 16:32

How is this a healthy relationship that’s moving forward?

Do you have sex on the rare occasion you get to see him? If so that’s pretty much all you are to him. Sorry but it sounds like he wants a casual shag when it suits him and he’s keeping you where it’s convenient for him.

Theres no future at all here

tescocreditcard · 29/11/2023 16:35

Where did you meet him? bearing in mind he lives 3 hours away.

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/11/2023 16:38

I don't think he's lying or using you. He's laid all his cards on the table and told you exactly what level of relationship he's looking for.

If that's what you want, then great. But if not, then you're the one who's lying to yourself by expecting things to change, that he'll want more than he's telling you he wants.

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2023 16:41

I think he has been completely clear that he is only interested in offering you breadcrumbs, and you're upset because you want more than breadcrumbs.

butterycrispness · 29/11/2023 16:43

He's not exactly screaming 'Catch'!

butterycrispness · 29/11/2023 16:45

Surely you know you deserve more than this? He's shit with your daughter, he never sees you, doesn't want commitment. It's a total waste of time when you could be meeting someone nice, who also might want another kid. Honestly just get rid.

butterycrispness · 29/11/2023 16:46

Why can you not imagine being with someone else or him not being part of your life. He isn't really part of your life!

MaliciaKeys · 29/11/2023 16:58

He's not going to give you what you want, which is a committed long term relationship with perhaps another child.

Consign him to the Friend Zone and find someone you are more compatible with.

HowAmYa · 29/11/2023 17:01

Anytime anyone uses the phrase 'we have been on and off for years' it's doomed.
Trust me, the one for you won't be giving you this much of a mental ache.
Life is too short to be on and off with the same person.
Ditch his ass. You deserve so much better

GreyCarpet · 29/11/2023 17:18

Tbh, I wouldn't consider someone I saw/shagged twice a month to be part of my life.

Quite the opposite.

I had a fwb I spent the weekend with a couple of times a month about 10 years ago. It suited me precisely because I don't want him to be part of my life.

He's not part of your life.

MrsFawkes · 29/11/2023 17:30

I hate to say this but however civilised and routine your relationship seems to you, I think you’re his convenient “go to” when he wants a $h*g.
Give your head a wobble and broaden your horizons.

misssunshine4040 · 29/11/2023 17:52

Your child is the priority here. How can you find a man attractive who is "off" with the most precious person in your life?

Get rid and show your child some respect and standards

Bobsyouraunty · 29/11/2023 17:56

Why would you want to be in something like this…can’t even call it a relationship. You’ll end up resenting him because you get nothing out of it. And most importantly it’s a bad example to your child and you won’t be able to have children with him. This guy is wasting your time

HanSB · 29/11/2023 17:58

He has been showing you who he is for the past few years and it won’t change. He’s not putting what you want into the relationship and clearly never will. Cut this one loose and find someone who treats you as well as you treat them. This isn’t the person for you or your child.

drowninginjelly · 29/11/2023 18:26

I don't think he's doing anything wrong. He's made it clear what he has to offer. He's not bombarding you with promises and lies. But no way would what he has to offer be in any way appealing to me. Why is it to you?

Siha345 · 29/11/2023 18:50

Why are you with him? Not being rude, just wondering how he behaves and what makes the relationship great

LIZS · 29/11/2023 19:00

Why? Does not seem much of a relationship.

Prelapsarianhag · 29/11/2023 19:30

He wants to move in when you are old and grey so you can care for him then.

Pinkbonbon · 29/11/2023 19:35

I actually think YOU'RE the red flag here op.

This man has been perfectly clear, he doesn't want to move in. He also doesn't want children.

So if you want those things, why qre you still dating him.

He's told you what he has to offer. Which clearly appears to be a little part time company and that's about it. If it doesn't suit you then move on.

Because if anything, you're the one not being honest by dating him. With him or with yourself.

Pinkbonbon · 29/11/2023 19:40

Just think on this op:

If YOU really didn't want kids and told him that and he hung around anyway because he really WANTED kids. And thought you were a possible source.... ...how fuckinh creepy would that be? Yeah..
Well it's the same thing.
If someone tells you they don't want kids, take their word for it. Don't hang around expecting them to change their minds. It's creepy.