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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overthinking or is my bf lying & using me?

117 replies

mamabear9898 · 29/11/2023 15:03

So I've known this man little over 3 years. Been on and off for 2.5yrs. Lots of past. We have decided to put it past us. We had friendship first, so he met my child ( now 7) we're now in a relationship, he tells me he loves me. Wants me. But will never want to move in with me because it's "too much" and he won't get space. ( he stayed with us for a few months before but seemed to love it) And never wants to have children. Something I've struggled with since my first and desperately want. He only wants to see me twice a month (lives 2.5/3 hrs away) . Doesn't like the idea of marriage really but unsure and wants to stay this way until we're "grey and old and then maybe move in". He's very isolated. Only has his two older parents who all this live worked opposite shifts in which his dad slept all day. Only had 1 serious relationship before me. No family. No friends except work colleagues. Maybe this is how he wants to live. But I can't imagine being with anyone else or him not being part of my life . But also don't want my child to think this is normal. Honestly when I say his tone is off with my child ( just not engaged ) says he will get used to being around her. It's been years and he used
To coach children? Anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 05/12/2023 10:41

You are 24.
You already have one child.
And now you are seriously wanting another?
With a useless waster who is stringing you along?
When are you going to build a proper life for yourself?
Like having an education, a career.
You know, obtaining the means - both financial and emotional - for a decent life...

I despair.
Actually, no. I don't.
It's your life to mess up.
Though I feel sorry for your child and future child(ren).

FictionalCharacter · 05/12/2023 10:45

Oh good grief OP. Listen to what everyone is telling you, because if you don't you're in for a miserable future.

He doesn't want a committed adult relationship with you. You say your daughter loves him - well he doesn't love her back, and she deserves someone who does.

From your OP I guessed you were nearly 40, not 24. You're too young to settle for half a relationship with a man who doesn't want what you want. He's not making you happy. You deserve so much better and you have plenty of time to meet someone who is right for you.

Please don't have a baby with him. The whole mess will be even worse with a new baby on the scene.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 05/12/2023 10:52

OP do you always believe any old crap that comes out of his mouth?

CabinetKnob · 05/12/2023 11:14

Oh @mamabear9898, you’re still so young, you have so much time to find a good guy to have more children with. I have an age gap between my eldest and youngest two (different dads, both shit fathers) and they are very close so it doesn’t have to be now. I know you say you can do it alone but now mine are older, I have a lot of resentment about how I’ve been let down by the men in my life.

If I could give you the benefit of my hard won life experience, it’s that men will say whatever they think you want to hear to keep you there and have no issue wasting our time with empty promises. Pay close attention to what he does and not just what he says. Make more demands of him. Test him and see if he rises to the challenge. I get the feeling you’re being very passive and allowing him to have his own way. Love yourself more than you love him or anyone else, then you’ll always make decisions in YOUR best interests x

SWSO · 05/12/2023 11:15

He just wants no strings sex . Sorry to be blunt .

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 05/12/2023 11:31

Obviously I have thought about the fact he could be lying. I do trust him. It took a while to trust him after blocking me for a month when we was first together in 21 and a few incidents.

But what do you mean? @CabinetKnob
How can I tell if he's just in it for the benefits. I know he's dead against moving in. I've had to beg him to come up here when I was in a bad place but tbh that was my own fault because I can't expect him to miss a day of work when he's on thin ice.

OP posts:
Fassbender2020 · 05/12/2023 11:38

You sound pretty vulnerable yourself. Please don't bring another innocent life into this mess and genuinely get some support for building yourself up

BodenCardiganNot · 05/12/2023 11:41

So last week he told you he never wants children and now he does?
Your poor daughter.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 11:45

Op are you able to raise two children alone? You aappear to be actively trying for a child, but you know he’s not moving in, so other than 2 weekends a month max, you will be raising two kids alone. Can you do this?

BodenCardiganNot · 05/12/2023 11:56

You posted this in October ; is there someone else your daughter can live with who will actually put her first and keep her safe?

So this happened with my partner the other day and idk.. it’s a long one. I took his cake out of the fridge because we had actual food to go in there, he then through a bag at me and then pushed me and pushed me again even tho I said our daughters in front of us and she nearly got hurt. He didn’t seem to care, so I got so angry and stamped on his cake. He then- in front of our daughther, put his hand round my neck, pushed me into the wall and punched me a couple of times in my arm and pushed me, again in front of our daughter, it hurt me and scared her. He then decided to pack up his shit and leave us despite me begging him to stay, and struggling to breath saying we can’t live without him.

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 05/12/2023 12:04

@BodenCardiganNot
That was in October 2018 when I was 18 /19 and my daughter's father (22 /23 at the time) was abusive. I had been with him since 16 and pregnant at 16 by him. He was very manipulate and abusive and I was quite naive. I left that relationship soon after. My daughter is safe and protected and loved and well taken care off. I'm a great mother and also work with children . When the man I'm referring to in this post is in my house she is no always here so probably sees him once every two months as she sees her paternal grandmother once or twice a month. Thank you for your concern though.

OP posts:
Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 12:10

mamabear9898 · 05/12/2023 12:04

@BodenCardiganNot
That was in October 2018 when I was 18 /19 and my daughter's father (22 /23 at the time) was abusive. I had been with him since 16 and pregnant at 16 by him. He was very manipulate and abusive and I was quite naive. I left that relationship soon after. My daughter is safe and protected and loved and well taken care off. I'm a great mother and also work with children . When the man I'm referring to in this post is in my house she is no always here so probably sees him once every two months as she sees her paternal grandmother once or twice a month. Thank you for your concern though.

Can you raise 2 children alone? You are not in a stable relationship. Raising two alone is hard, but it seems to be what you’re aiming for?

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 05/12/2023 12:18

Tbh. I've re read the post and all the comments. After listening to his waffle for the weekend ( he came and stayed whilst my daughter saw her paternal family) I started to believe him and trust in him. But seeing all these comments 80 something people can't be wrong. Plus my gut. Also seeing the old post with my ex ( that relationship alone plus being so young and having a baby definitely messed me up) don't want a repeat history. Not worth the hassle for me and of my dd.

OP posts:
Crikeyisthatthetime · 05/12/2023 12:27

OP you are so young, he is young. And it sounds like your previous relationship has messed up your judgement.
This guy seems ok to you because at least he isn't strangling you - but he has told you he didn't want to move in or have kids, but has suddenly changed his mind because, well why exactly? To stop you going on at him? To avoid an argument?
I really hope you find the strength to end it and take a good amount of time being on your own with your daughter.
You need to build up a little self belief and resilience. Have you had therapy, would you consider it?

autienotnaughty · 05/12/2023 13:44

If you can be happy with this then fine but I wouldn't include your child in a casual relationship.

He's told you what he wants you need to decide if it's what you want. Don't waste your time trying to change his mind

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 06/12/2023 11:19

@Crikeyisthatthetime
I have had therapy but I think a return would be good.

I tried to speak to him last night about concerns however he always seems to convince me. I also have a lot to work on in myself just general quite unhealthy mind and body and insists we can do this together no matter of my recent health scares and he wants me and does now want to move in in 3 years so ans have a baby then. Could he off just had a change of heart?

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/12/2023 11:21

Sounds like he is playing for time.

Keepinmovin · 06/12/2023 11:24

This is nuts OP.

You seem to be settling for second best here. Is this because you just think due to your past that this is as good as it gets. It isn't.
You can have and deserve better than this. Someone who truly loves and supports you and your aspirations.

Don't settle for this.

SamW98 · 06/12/2023 11:27

He’s future faking OP to keep you where he wants you.

Hes dangling a carrot in the distance and I guarantee the goalposts will continually move the closer it gets to the promised date.

Youve wasted enough time on this loser. Do you seriously want to waste another few years chasing something that’s never going to happen?

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 11:50

mamabear9898 · 30/11/2023 09:28

To answer some questions;
He's 23, I'm 24.
He live with parents I have my own place with my child.
When I say he's off with her I mean as I'm not engaged. Like he'll play with her and is patient with her needs (. ADHD / asd) but just seems very dull.
We met online and took it very slow. He met my friends and family before he met my child some time later.
And what's in it for me? Company. We speak every night. 2 weekends a month I have him here. He helps financially sometimes.

God. Raise your bar

Both you and your child are worth more than this total non-relationship.

It's going nowhere (which is right, it shouldn't go anywhere. Dysfunctional on every level)

timeforacoffeebreak · 06/12/2023 12:34

From what you have written, you do not seem compatible in any sense of the word.

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 06/12/2023 17:54

I get the point that's made about my ex partner. Ans this is certainly better than that relationship. However this has got to be better than single , lonely and even more broke?

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/12/2023 17:59

Really? Why would you be more broke, he does not contribute, nor intend to.

SamW98 · 06/12/2023 18:01

Take it from those of us older with more life experience, being single is a million times preferable to being in the wrong relationship with someone who makes you question whether you should be together.

PaminaMozart · 06/12/2023 18:13

Oh where to start...

You need to do some serious work on yourself, specifically your self-esteem a d boundaries, and figure out what you need to do to build a fulfilling life for yourself and your child. Without relying on some useless person with a penis to give your life meaning

Counselling
Listening to empowering women type podcasts/YouTube videos
Reading self help books, such as The Six Pillars of Self Esteem and Women Who Love Too Much