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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overthinking or is my bf lying & using me?

117 replies

mamabear9898 · 29/11/2023 15:03

So I've known this man little over 3 years. Been on and off for 2.5yrs. Lots of past. We have decided to put it past us. We had friendship first, so he met my child ( now 7) we're now in a relationship, he tells me he loves me. Wants me. But will never want to move in with me because it's "too much" and he won't get space. ( he stayed with us for a few months before but seemed to love it) And never wants to have children. Something I've struggled with since my first and desperately want. He only wants to see me twice a month (lives 2.5/3 hrs away) . Doesn't like the idea of marriage really but unsure and wants to stay this way until we're "grey and old and then maybe move in". He's very isolated. Only has his two older parents who all this live worked opposite shifts in which his dad slept all day. Only had 1 serious relationship before me. No family. No friends except work colleagues. Maybe this is how he wants to live. But I can't imagine being with anyone else or him not being part of my life . But also don't want my child to think this is normal. Honestly when I say his tone is off with my child ( just not engaged ) says he will get used to being around her. It's been years and he used
To coach children? Anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 11:45

If you stay with him, you're accepted being in a relationship with someone who

  • doesn't want to commit to you
  • doesn't want to live with you
  • doesn't want children with you
  • doesn't want to see you more than 2 weekends a month
  • doesn't seem too keen on your daughter

If you're happy with all of that, then you're good.

I suspect you aren't, and who would be?

Meantime, any chance of finding a relationship where you are valued, where they love being with you, love your daughter, want more children, want to commit to you, are zero - because you're holding out for the man who is, literally, no hope at all.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/11/2023 11:58

Most 23yo men aren’t thinking about babies, marriage and moving in. Being a stepparent is hard and needs to be a very considered decision.

Yanbu to want what you want but he’s not unreasonable to want what he wants either. While 23 year olds can commit to long term relationships and being a stepparent, it’s not the norm imo.

Saying that, yanbu to want to lay some future plans (will either of you ever move closer?) I think that you’re fundamentally incompatible.

Maybe in 10 years he will have changed his mind about moving in etc but I wouldn’t stick around on the off chance that he does. He currently seems to like long distance and casual and he may always prefer relationships that way.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 30/11/2023 12:01

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/11/2023 16:38

I don't think he's lying or using you. He's laid all his cards on the table and told you exactly what level of relationship he's looking for.

If that's what you want, then great. But if not, then you're the one who's lying to yourself by expecting things to change, that he'll want more than he's telling you he wants.

Edited

This! ^^
He's laid his cards very openly on the table. He's told you he doesn't want to move in or get married. he's told you he doesn't want children and he's told you he only wants to see you twice per month.

This only issue is - are you also happy with that? It sounds like you're not - so the more obvious question is what are you going to do. You can't expect this guy to change so if you're not happy you need to tell him things are over and move on. Dont let him keep you dangling either - take control and end things - block him if need be.

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 30/11/2023 13:36

I think I have been a bit blind.
For those commenting on him with my dc. She's unaware. She loves him is very attached and wants to play with him all the time and ft him to say goodnight.

However I have said that a few things are going on for me. That's I'm feeling incredibly low and would like to speak with me. His work is incredibly slow and he's able to come down, however refusing because it's too much hassle tonight. When I made the point that he keeps saying that I should be with him meaning I would give up children and living partner and marriage , sibling for my child etc, and that would effect me everyday and I'm thinking about making that Sacrifice he states this is different. It will effect him to much to come one day earlier than planned. dh.

OP posts:
MilkChocolateCookie · 30/11/2023 13:51

The only thing you can think of that you get from him is company (plus a little financial support), and yet when you're feeling down he's refused to come and see you a day early. So you don't even get his company except when he's willing to give it? Honestly OP this relationship isn't for you. I agree with pp that he's not lying and using you - he's been honest about what he can offer. The problem is that he's really not offering very much.

SamW98 · 30/11/2023 14:08

Seriously OP why are you putting time and energy into this non starter? Its not a relationship in any way shape or form.

Youre young and got so much life ahead of you. Get rid of this time waster, have a bit of time with you and your DS and don’t stress about having a partner until the time is right. Don’t tolerate across just to have a man in your life. You’ve got so much time and someone worthy is out there.

beatrix1234 · 30/11/2023 14:22

This man wants a part time “friend with benefits” who will become “hospice wife” when he reaches old age and in need of someone to wipe his but-t.

If this is something that appeals go for it, if it doesn’t sound appealing run to the hills. Personally it sounds very depressing to me.

cooldarkroom · 30/11/2023 14:40

You are 23 & 24.... Really ... FFS
Please just get shot of him...

StopStartStop · 30/11/2023 14:53

Stop kidding yourself. You're nothing to him other than a twice monthly shag. Rescue yourself and your child from this situation.

Lilithlogic · 30/11/2023 15:01

Firstly your daughter does not love him, that is you clutching and straws to keep him around and secondly you are not the only woman he is seeing. I can guarantee he is still old. Wake up.

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 30/11/2023 15:08

@Lilithlogic
I definitely do not think he's seeing another woman I know his working hours. He sometimes rings me on the way to and back from work. We call most breaks if not all and weekends also I have access to the phone not that I snoop ! Just think he wants it easy. Currently sayinf doesn't want to miss work he wants the best of everything.

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 30/11/2023 15:15

It sounds like he's a sort of hobby, a coping mechanism to keep you occupied.

You can text him every day and fantasise that this is a great relationship and he is your boyfriend.

But he's not.
He's a user.

I wonder have you simply got used to texting someone and you are not sure how you'd cope without that.

LBFseBrom · 30/11/2023 15:27

He has made it clear that he does not want to live with you, op. It's easy to say, "We may do so way in the future", because that is a long way off and much can happen in intervening years. He also does not want to have children.

You want to set up home with a man and have another child.

Why are you hanging on to this man? He is obviously not right for you, nor you for him.

There are people happy to live apart, enjoy each other very much but have their own space, don't live in each other's pockets. That's great but it is not what you want for your future.

You can hopefully explain this to him, calmly, and he will have to accept it but there will be no cause for any bitterness. You can both look back at the relationship with happy memories. That is my wish for you, op, but only you can make it happen that way and he has to understand. I

I realise I am an 'outsider here', am not giving advice but suggestions. I don't think it would be easy for me! However, I would not want to live with someone again, of that I am sure, I value my independence and own space so your specific situation would not arise.

I must add that you are blessed to have a child, which I am sure you already know, and you could meet someone who feels the same as you about a relationship, in the not too distant future.

Just think it over and I do wish you lots of luck.

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 05/12/2023 09:41

Thank you for all that replied. He and I have spoken. He wants a baby with me. And has been super nice and accommodating to how I would like the relationship to be. Still says moving in too much but hey ho.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/12/2023 09:48

He doesn't want a baby. It's a string and you would be batshit to breed with him anyway.

Look, you're young. You have a FWB. That's all..enjoy it for what it is, but I think in time you'll fuck him off because you want something real

swuahies · 05/12/2023 09:52

He wants a baby but doesn't want to live with you????

SamW98 · 05/12/2023 09:54

So he wants a baby with you but doesn’t want to live with you? Errr ok

Sorry but he’s a FWB who is future faking to keep you exactly where he wants you. Hes having his cake and eating it right now and he’ll tell you anything to maintain the status quo

Read this thread back and be totally honest with yourself. Is this really the life you want for you and your DC?

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 09:58

Well this is weird. He’s only 23 and clearly doesn’t want to settle down and play step dad, fair enough, but why would he want a baby with you, he’d seem them twice a month. He doesn’t sound right in the head.

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 05/12/2023 10:07

You're his twice monthly FWB and at different stages in your life. Find someone better than him, who is on the same page and who wants you (and treats your child well).

BodenCardiganNot · 05/12/2023 10:13

He wants a baby with me.
Do you want a baby with him?

LIZS · 05/12/2023 10:17

So he wants you to have his baby but not be a family Hmm how likely is he ever to move 3 hours from home to keep you happy? Sounds completely unsustainable and he will keep saying what you want to hear until he gets a better , more local offer.

Original poster
mamabear9898 · 05/12/2023 10:17

I do want a baby with him. I'd be happy to have a baby alone. After six loses, it's a miracle. He said he wanted a baby. As do I. I am late and have told him I have some symptoms and he seems happy. This has happened before though and turned out to be nothing. But my daughter would just be happy with a sibling!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/12/2023 10:27

Didn't you get rid of an abusive bloke? You jump into something else that isn't healthy and now you want to bring another baby into it?

BodenCardiganNot · 05/12/2023 10:32

I do want a baby with him. I'd be happy to have a baby alone.

Why would you do this to a baby? Saddle them with a fucking useless father who would want nothing to do with them?

SamW98 · 05/12/2023 10:35

Why do people start threads asking for advice then completely ignore what everyone has said and do the total opposite?

Swipe left for the next trending thread