Am I overthinking or is my bf lying & using me?

[mamabear9898]

So I've known this man little over 3 years. Been on and off for 2.5yrs. Lots of past. We have decided to put it past us. We had friendship first, so he met my child ( now 7) we're now in a relationship, he tells me he loves me. Wants me. But will never want to move in with me because it's "too much" and he won't get space. ( he stayed with us for a few months before but seemed to love it) And never wants to have children. Something I've struggled with since my first and desperately want. He only wants to see me twice a month (lives 2.5/3 hrs away) . Doesn't like the idea of marriage really but unsure and wants to stay this way until we're "grey and old and then maybe move in". He's very isolated. Only has his two older parents who all this live worked opposite shifts in which his dad slept all day. Only had 1 serious relationship before me. No family. No friends except work colleagues. Maybe this is how he wants to live. But I can't imagine being with anyone else or him not being part of my life . But also don't want my child to think this is normal. Honestly when I say his tone is off with my child ( just not engaged ) says he will get used to being around her. It's been years and he used
To coach children? Anyone been through similar?

And please remind yourself that you’re teaching your child that accepting being treated badly by a man is ok. Even if you’re happy to continue with this piss poor zero effort man, please think of your DC who deserves far better.

He's 23, can't really fault him for not wanting DC's, that is sensible as still young. Do you work? Do you aspire to anything else than reproducing? 6 pregnancy losses since you had your DC at 16 . You should be living life at your age, instead of tying yourself to DC's.
Were the 6 losses via him or your ex, because if any were his, he's not doing much to prevent DC's whatever he says?
Though you feel like getting married, having DC's prior with someone is going to make it less likely realistically. There's no incentive once DC's already exist.

What about working on ways to improve your prospects that don't involve some bloke?

If you're working, what are the opportunities for training or advancement? Is there another job or career you would like - and if so, can you retrain or start doing a course (maybe with the OU or something) that would get you on track for that?

If you're not working, can you start looking, applying, could you study, could you volunteer somewhere and get experience?

If you're lonely, maybe the focus should be building up your social network, spending time with friends, joining clubs, broadening your interests.

That way, by being happier in your work and life generally, any romantic connection that comes into your life has to be really worthwhile to get your attention - and if he turns out to be a bit of a shit, you don't feel like you need to put up with it because otherwise you'll be lonely.

A man is not to fill a lonely void or for providing. You talk as if from the 1950's yet only in your 20's, it begs the question what you were modelled with growing up? But also, I suppose I got that sort of model, and grew up in the 70's/80's, but live in the current world as it is, so perhaps more peer environment is to blame? Look around your environment, are your peers really after having DC's and getting hit hitched at your age? Mine weren't decades ago, and neither is my DS that god. All that stuff can wait till 30, and ideally, should. Not that I judge young people for accidents, but you seem to aspire and yearn for things that really should wait.

What @category12 said. Especially this:

What about working on ways to improve your prospects that don't involve some bloke?

I am hoping to expand my horizons with work but at the moment it's very difficult. As I'm needed a lot during school hours and wouldn't be able to put my dd in childcare outside these hours as she struggles. She's diagnosed adhd, autism, pda and is process of further diagnosis's.

I am fully aware of the effect it has on me. I can't see it effecting my daughter and I agree with most of you . However I just can't seem to leave he assures me it'll work. Did agree to come down this weekend to sort out some issues but now stating car trouble and refusing to coach as normal due to lack of funds and can't be bothered apparently. Lost cause me.

Anyway thank you all for advice. I'll figure it out. Doesn't seem it's going to last much longer anyway.

I feel like you’re at a moment of change in your life. From 16 to now you’ve been letting or enduring men making decisions for you about how things will be. Now you’re getting older and realising that what you want is important, and trying to be clear about that, and maybe just getting a hint that you are worthy of a really nice equal relationship where both parents treat each other with respect and care for each other and their child. But at the same time you sound scarred by your experiences since 16 (maybe before) so part of you thinks all you’re worthy of is having some bloke pop in and have sex with you if he can be arsed - and that you should be grateful if he gracefully permits you to raise his child unaided.

Please try to listen to the newer more confident parts of you - and accept that in order to make the life you know you want and deserve, you’ll need to rethink your relationships. You aren’t going to get that future with this guy who’s been around for ages and shown his true colours. You need to build up your self esteem then find someone who will treat you as you treat him and wants the same things.

Given your situation, it seems to me like adding another child to the mix at this stage would be a really bad idea. You have so much going on with a child with disabilities, what if another baby has the same issues?

I can see how you'd like to have the support of a romantic partner - but that only works if they're actually supportive and will make your life easier, not harder.

Is this guy that man, or does he just take up a whole lot of your headspace and emotional energy that would be better spent elsewhere?

@category12 tbh you're right. He takes up way to much and I've had enough. Been excuse after excuse past couple days.

"I want you but what's the point in talking about anything if u don't think it'll
Work we don't need to talk"

"I'm sorry you're hurt but I don't want to see you I want a break"

Fkin had enough.
Some of these comments were harsh. But definitely needed.

Sure you're all bored of my sh*t now. But update.
It's over.
Thank you.

That's good news.

It must be painful, but it should let you move on from this dead-end.

Be kind to yourself 💐

Well done @mamabear9898 . You made the right decision. It may feel like shit now, but one day you'll realise that.

Sorry you’re hurting right now OP but you have 💯 made the right decision.

As someone old enough to be your mum, my advice is stay single for a while, concentrate on you and your DC and learn to love yourself so much you’ll never accept scraps again ❤️

Thank you guys.
Decision was made easier when he admitted to lying about feelings and all the future he promised me. And I realised how gullible of been, But never the less it happened. I'm hurting but I'm ok!

Well done.
Sorry you had to find a lying toerag, OP. There are a lot of them about sadly
💐
And 🍷 for later.

Well done for ending it!

Tbh if someone said to me they wanted a baby (especially after saying they didn't like, 10 minutes before and are obviously only saying it to make me stay) but didn't want to move in with me - I'd think 'you insulting bastard".

Because they're obviously just saying 'I don't actually want kids and I'll expect you to do all the work of raising the child'

I'm all for couples living separately but if you're planning a child, live with them. Live with them first AND get married before babies. If they'll marry you then it's more likely they can do commitment. Not a given, unfortunately. But more likely.

Wanting more kids can make people settle for sub par men and bullshit from them. So we have to be careful.