Am I overthinking or is my bf lying & using me?

[mamabear9898]

So I've known this man little over 3 years. Been on and off for 2.5yrs. Lots of past. We have decided to put it past us. We had friendship first, so he met my child ( now 7) we're now in a relationship, he tells me he loves me. Wants me. But will never want to move in with me because it's "too much" and he won't get space. ( he stayed with us for a few months before but seemed to love it) And never wants to have children. Something I've struggled with since my first and desperately want. He only wants to see me twice a month (lives 2.5/3 hrs away) . Doesn't like the idea of marriage really but unsure and wants to stay this way until we're "grey and old and then maybe move in". He's very isolated. Only has his two older parents who all this live worked opposite shifts in which his dad slept all day. Only had 1 serious relationship before me. No family. No friends except work colleagues. Maybe this is how he wants to live. But I can't imagine being with anyone else or him not being part of my life . But also don't want my child to think this is normal. Honestly when I say his tone is off with my child ( just not engaged ) says he will get used to being around her. It's been years and he used
To coach children? Anyone been through similar?

Why bother OP

So he doesn’t want to see you much; doesnt want to live with you, marry you or have children with you …. Is that really ok for you?

Profoundly underthinking, ignoring all incompatibilities and all that you and your DC would want, so that you can be with him twice a month.
You, all in all, have a general latching on and not letting go issue. That leads to a path of sticking to inappropriate men that won't make you happy. Perhaps you should consider why you have trouble letting go via therapy?

How old is he? He lives too far away. Where did you meet him?

You want more children - he doesn't.
You want a living together relationship - he doesn't.
You want to see him more often - he doesn't.
You presumable want marriage - he doesn't.
He's a loner - you're not.
You don't want your kid to see this as normal - but you're modelling it to them.

And huge problem, if those complete disconnects & incompatible wants weren't enough - he speaks unpleasantly to your child, yet you still have him around her. What is wrong with you?

Give your head a wobble.

I just can't get beyond you being OK with him being 'off' with your child. How desperate must you be to sacrifice your child's wellbeing for a man who couldn't give a shit? Fgs get some self esteem and sort your priorities out.

He’s not lying or using you. He has been very upfront and honest about what he wants, what he is willing to offer you and how he sees your future together. The issue is that it is at complete odds to what you are seeking in a relationship and how you would like the future to look. So you either agree to his terms or you move on and find someone else better matched to you that has the same relationship needs and goals…… personally I’d go for the second option!

He doesn't love you, he loves the convenience of you. Being able to dip in and out and keep you at arms length. He's a commitment phobe. But at least he's honest about it and not stringing you along. His cards are on the table, you just need to look at them properly and decide if that's what you want.

What?
youre too old to be in an on off relationship
anyone over 19 is.

his tone is off with your child he doesn’t want any of the things you do, and doesn’t want to see you or commit to you.
figure out why you’re putting up with this

I think you both want completely different things. He wants an arm's length arrangement but you want a full proper relationship with children. His version of a relationship means you are giving up alot (chance of more kids, live in partner) you need to decide if he is worth it

The biggest thing that stands out is that you don’t want the same things. You deserve more and so does your child. Have you tried telling him what you want? Or is it all about him?

Your expectations of what you both want from a relationship are not aligned. Therefore someone will be unhappy. It also seems to currently be all on his terms so you will be unhappy. You aren't getting anything from this relationship that you want. Cut your losses and end it now. Sorry OP but why would you settle for this til your grey and old?? Even then he could change his mind and you'll be a pensioner driving 3 hours to see her boyfriend. Nah. Get him in the bin.

To answer some questions;
He's 23, I'm 24.
He live with parents I have my own place with my child.
When I say he's off with her I mean as I'm not engaged. Like he'll play with her and is patient with her needs (. ADHD / asd) but just seems very dull.
We met online and took it very slow. He met my friends and family before he met my child some time later.
And what's in it for me? Company. We speak every night. 2 weekends a month I have him here. He helps financially sometimes.

Woman give yourself a shake! This man is the dregs of the pond and he has you convinced he’s gold.

if nothing else, do you f**k have a man in your life that is anything less than delightful and caring towards your child.

Get rid. Now.

And lord you’re a baby! You have your best decades to find a decent guy! Find a lovely man that treats your child well and loves you.

Fgs please dont give up the best years of your life waiting for this man to change because he won’t .
He’s laid his cards firmly on the table - he doesn’t want a relationship with you , this isn’t a relationship, suggesting he might move in when you are both old and grey … charming !

He’s not interested in your DC not in having more

wake up and smell the coffee .. it’s a convenient hook up for him .. if that works for you .. great but clearly it doesn’t .
He’s offered you crumbs and you want the whole loaf , you arent compatible, put him in the bin ..

you are young and have years ahead of you to meet “the one “

Get your kid out of that shit.

Trust your instincts and move on

He is only 23. You won't find many men his age wanting to settle down and play step dad .

That age is worrying though, no?

He will constantly grow and evolve what he wants every year the goes by.

When I was 23 I had completely different wants and desires which changed annually.

I would agree with that. Unless it’s their own child I would say very few men of that age want to be a father figure.

Christ. He is 'off' with your child, which alone should make you run for the hills. But says he could 'get used' to being around her. And you would be ok with this?
Your bar is on the ground.

@mamabear9898

He's got life just as he wants it. Minimal responsibility, living with parents so perhaps minimal living expenses and mum does a lot of things for him, compliant placeholder girlfriend who he's told he really doesn't want more than the current situation. Why is that good enough for you for the rest of your life?🌹

Bloody hell, I wasn't expecting to read that you're both early 20's!
Why on earth would you waste your young years with someone like this?! You could find a decent bloke that wants to actually have a proper relationship with you!

I was expecting him to be much older. At 23 he isn't even fully formed. You're expecting him to make decisions with life-long implications, probably because you had to due to DC.
Just because you had a child very young don't let it be the only guiding light in your life. If you were my DD, at your age I'd be telling to to concentrate on your child but not look to settle down for at least five years. Your child is learning what a relationship looks like from this mess. I would keep them as far away from this as possible if you aren't prepared to end it now.

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