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Original poster

Am I doing too much for our children? My husband thinks so

132 replies

vjmousey · 27/11/2023 17:36

We have a DS (15) and DD(13). Both play football outside of school and 6 says out of 7 I am ferrying them around to get them to training and matches.

My DH is very upset about this as he says we have virtually no time together.

My daughter struggles with friendships and football gives her (IMO) a positive hobby where she spends time with other girls outside of school. She plays most Sundays and does 3 training days too. My son loves football and plays and/or refs on Sundays too, plus 2 training days per week.

Is this too much? DH feels I don't want to spend time with him as I actually don't spend time with him apart from working together from home (he doesn't want to go out after they finish training during the week).

It's become a massive problem in our relationship. I keep saying that it isn't forever, but he disagrees and says our children should be more responsible for themselves and get to and from training themselves.

DD is 13. DS is 15. They'd have to cycle between 15 - 35 mins each way in the dark to get themselves to and from training. I'm totally against this.

Lift sharing isn't realistic more than once every 2 weeks for one day. My in laws may be a possibility to take and pick up once a week after Christmas, though it feels like a lot to ask as they're not really hands on grandparents.

I'm just not sure there is a compromise here as he won't go out after, or come with me to training so we can spend time together.
Do I stop one of my daughter's training sessions? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pinkpinkplonk · 27/11/2023 17:41

Why won’t he go with you? Or out with you outside of training times?

PuttingDownRoots · 27/11/2023 17:42

He should be stepping up and helping his own children get to sessions. Its called parenting.

Eatbetterthisweek · 27/11/2023 17:43

How long til the 15 year old is 17? They can drive then. Start them off with off road sessions asap you can pay for a few hours before they are 17 off road. Book 17 year old in for driving theory test on their 17th birthday.

I would find your husband’s attitude towards his kids a massive turn off and not want to spend time with him because of this alone.

SaltyGod · 27/11/2023 17:45

I’m with your DH, hobbies should be fun and not have such a big on family life. They both are out 4 days a week for football, it’s beyond a normal amount for a kid just playing for fun. Perhaps different if you were aiming at professional.

When do they have time to see friends, do homework, get involved in other hobbies? What happens when it comes to exams?

I couldn’t spend my free time facilitating all this, and if my DH did I think I’d feel the same way he does. When does he get time with you, or time with them as a family that isn’t just standing watching them play?

Keeva2017 · 27/11/2023 17:45

Are they his children? If so how bizarre! they are involved in a healthy, positive hobby and he resents that because it takes you away from him? Tell him to grow tf up and whilst he’s at it, step up and either go with you or share the load.

They won’t need you for lifts much longer, support them whilst they do.

wp65 · 27/11/2023 17:46

It sounds like football is really important for your daughter in particular. I think you're right to facilitate it if you possibly can, though it does sound like a huge faff.

Could DH take them to training with you, and you both go for a drink while you wait to collect?

user1471474138 · 27/11/2023 17:46

Could you both not drop dd off at training session the go spend an hour or so at a local pub/coffee shop just the two of you? Appreciate its not a proper night out but it would give you a bit of time together

but also agree with the above and wondering why it’s only you doing the ferrying around?

wp65 · 27/11/2023 17:47

P.s. I do think your DH is in the wrong here. How much does he support you and the children generally? Does he pull his weight?

Octavia64 · 27/11/2023 17:48

This time of year isn't the right time for encouraging that independence. Too dark, too cold, too dangerous.

I sort of see your DH's point, it is a lot.

Is there a compromise?

Could the 15 year old cycle to some of the weekend stuff when it is light?

Could you say to DH that in the spring when it gets lighter you'll work with them on going to training on their own (for the older one) or maybe cycling to one training on her own (for the younger).

Holidayhell22 · 27/11/2023 17:50

What we used to do was go for a drink/meal when dd was doing her hobby. Why won’t your dh do this?

Lilibert456 · 27/11/2023 17:50

Tell him it is it for now. It won't be forever and if he doesn't like it then there are no chains on the front door and he knows where the suitcases are. Men who don't want the best for their children make me see red.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/11/2023 17:50

He's not being very flexible, is he? He could go with you, he could go out with you after training. I suspect he just likes having a moan, and if you made yourself available he'd find a reason not to go out anyway.

GoodnightJude1 · 27/11/2023 17:52

If he chooses not to come with you, where he could actually spend some time with you….then that’s his choice.

Suck it up buttercup.

Biscottiforever · 27/11/2023 17:53

You need to carve out other time with him. Tell him that you want to prioritise time together and sir down and work out when. If to you WFH together can't you work a bit longer one day/ 20 mins later every day so you can do an hour's lunch once a week and go out for a bit/ stay in for a shag?

WarningOfGails · 27/11/2023 17:55

I think overall he’s being unreasonable, although I get where he’s coming from as it feels my entire life is ferrying children around.

if you both work from home & your children are old enough to be left alone, there must be other pockets of time you could spend together?

buckingmad · 27/11/2023 17:55

Extra curricular activities are so important, it’s one thing DH and I completely agree on for our children (we’re quite a few years off teenager years yet but DD who is 2 does swimming, ballet and music already). His parents courknt be bothered to take him so he missed out on stuff and never had someone cheering him on. I had the complete opposite and I am so so grateful to my parents for that. Like you say, it’s a few short years and it teaches them team work, dedication, self discipline and time management.

Why should your children miss out because of your DHs wants. No reason he can’t come with you and you go get a coffee together.

Garlicnaan · 27/11/2023 17:58

Your DC's hobbies are important, but it's important to invest time in your relationship too.

I think your DH has a point although he's making it slightly childishly.

Ragwort · 27/11/2023 18:00

He sounds needy and pathetic, most parents want to encourage their children to have healthy hobbies and do sport etc. When our DS was younger we spent most evenings and weekends facilitating his hobby, that's what parenting involves. Your DH could easily go with you and go out for a drink together or something.

strawberry2017 · 27/11/2023 18:03

Well in reality he should be helping with the running round. He's obviously free at the
times you take them so why isn't he sharing the load?

franke · 27/11/2023 18:04

If you don't live rurally I think it's reasonable for the 15yo at least to get himself to training. Different matter obviously if the route is along narrow, unlit country lanes. Could either of them cycle with other kids from training?

Maray1967 · 27/11/2023 18:04

He’s very needy and pathetic. Why won’t he join you for a coffee while they’re training?

sixteenfurryfeet · 27/11/2023 18:09

A ManSulk is most unattractive. Especially when it is due to the children getting more attention than he does.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 27/11/2023 18:19

I think it depends on where you live, aka is tte 15~20 mins cycling on a town road , is it busy or a small countryside road etc….

At that age, my dcs did cycle at night to go to their activity. I’d expect that from the 15yo in particular.
At the weekend, they should be able to cycle to said activity (if training) or find a lift with other players (of course, you’ll have to reciprocate) if a match.

HOWEVER, I would do it to encourage them to be more independent, NOT because DH has an issue because you dont spend time with him!!
The way he is putting things implies that
1- the dcs activities are your responsibility, not his. Why?
2- he is putting himself before the kids
3- somehow spending time together is also your responsibility, not his so whatever you do has to be done at the right time for him 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I would answer back saying that ‘Yes it would be lovely to spend more time just the two of us. Could you organise something?’ That’s it.

GrumpyPanda · 27/11/2023 18:23

YABU to oppose cycling just because it would be after dark. What's the route like? Is there a dedicated cycle path? Is it through built-up areas?

Phineyj · 27/11/2023 18:47

Doesn't he do any of the ferrying about? That's a bit crap...

My parents left me to do a lot of this stuff solo but a) it was a town with a reasonable train service and b) it definitely didn't help our relationship and I got into some iffy situations at times.

I don't want that for DC! Besides, we go for a drink while she does her activity, like most people would.