Am I doing too much for our children? My husband thinks so

[vjmousey]

We have a DS (15) and DD(13). Both play football outside of school and 6 says out of 7 I am ferrying them around to get them to training and matches.

My DH is very upset about this as he says we have virtually no time together.

My daughter struggles with friendships and football gives her (IMO) a positive hobby where she spends time with other girls outside of school. She plays most Sundays and does 3 training days too. My son loves football and plays and/or refs on Sundays too, plus 2 training days per week.

Is this too much? DH feels I don't want to spend time with him as I actually don't spend time with him apart from working together from home (he doesn't want to go out after they finish training during the week).

It's become a massive problem in our relationship. I keep saying that it isn't forever, but he disagrees and says our children should be more responsible for themselves and get to and from training themselves.

DD is 13. DS is 15. They'd have to cycle between 15 - 35 mins each way in the dark to get themselves to and from training. I'm totally against this.

Lift sharing isn't realistic more than once every 2 weeks for one day. My in laws may be a possibility to take and pick up once a week after Christmas, though it feels like a lot to ask as they're not really hands on grandparents.

I'm just not sure there is a compromise here as he won't go out after, or come with me to training so we can spend time together.
Do I stop one of my daughter's training sessions? Am I being unreasonable?

Can you drop the child then chat in the car/ go to the pub/ go for a run.

He is competing with your kids for your attention. Some men do that. It’s a red flag IMO.

This is totally normal - as a parent you do what you do to facilitate your children. What does your DH do? Why isn't he giving them lifts? What's happening on the weekend when DC are at matches? Why won't he come to training? Do you come home between drop offs or stay at training? He's like a manchild throwing his toys out of the pram. These are supposed to be his precious children.

6 days out of 7 is a LOT.

Get the lift sharing going on the days that it does work, and grandparents when available and willing. It won't fix the whole problem but gives a bit of space.

It's a shame he won't go with you to training or out afterwards. When he says you have "no time together" does he mean sex?

We have 3 DC - the older ones do multiple activities on different days and the younger one needs to be in bed early. So we take it in turns to do the running around every evening. Whoever does the dropping off uses the time they're out to do the food shop or exercise themselves. The one at home does bedtime routine for the little one, and all the domestic jobs and sorting.

We still have family time, we still have couple time. We still have time to exercise and sort the house.

He sounds irritating and whiny and to have weird priorities. It also sounds like he doesn't take equal responsibility in shouldering parenting.

My DH was not supported in any way to take part in sport or hobbies and his parents spent v little time with him. I was really lucky to have the opposite. This means we're both motivated to support our DH with their interests. Our dc love having us there when they take part in things, they love the chance to chat in the car and I am forever grateful to have active teens with real life engagement.

How come it’s so much? We have a footballing DS, still in a team as an adult and he had and still has training one night per week and a match one day at the weekend. I would have thought with two children it would be 4 nights. The sulking is rubbish but 6 days is a lot.

I am in my fifties now and three of my friends are currently getting divorced, it’s all because their children are leaving home and they have nothing in common with each other. There is a balance to be struck between being parents and partners.

Assuming the weekend matches are in the day time it would be fine to ask the 15 yo to cycle then, I would say. But would avoid the cycling when it’s dark, that is a bit more risky.

Is DH moaning or is he coming up with ideas too?

It is absolutely not that you are doing too much, rather that your dh is behaving like a petulant third child drying for your attention.
He can do some of the running or come with you, my DH works long hours and I do all the mid week lifts but we spend a considerable amount of our together time on the touchlines at the weekend, we walk together during warm up and then watch the match (together) its quite sociable

I second what's already been said- he should come with you if he minds that much, doing a sport as a hobby in this digital day and age should definitely be encouraged and supported. Does he moan about other things as well or he just likes to have a dig at you?

@vjmousey

If he won't come with you to training then it's his problem, not yours. If you have two children doing activities on different days then this is what it's like.

Incidentally-for your sake not his- why can't you do more lift sharing?

What does he mean by "spending time together"? Does he want to go out somewhere with you? Or chill out at home with you watching TV etc?

It strikes me that with a bit of effort and compromise you could build either/both those things in. You've mentioned grandparents could possibly do the lifts one day a week - that's a start. You could both go to some sessions and nip off for a meal/ drink/coffee/ walk (depending on weather). Your husband could do some of the lifts while you make a nice dinner ready to have on return, or vice versa (your kids are school age so the sessions can't go on that late).

It sounds like football is really important to your kids so I dont think cutting down is the answer but if they could share lifts with friends sometimes that would help. I would worry about mine cycling late in the dark too, I just couldn't help it.

I'm wondering though if he just likes to moan. My dad would go all moany and sad faced if my mum was out in the evening. He would say it was because he "missed her" but the reality was that he wanted her at his beck and call as he never lifted a finger to do anything for himself in the house if she was there to do it! He never did any of the kid-ferrying either.

Are you sure what he is trying to say is
I’m not getting enough sex, your ignoring me and I’m a man with needs 😂

I think that you shouldn't dismiss what he is telling you because the point he is making is a fair one. He feels that you don't have time together in the evening. You yourself admit this.

OP ALSO says they could go out or spend time together AFTER the children's activities, but little Mr Precious doesn't like that. So she must compromise, as must the DC, so that he gets time with his wife.

He's a baby.

"DH feels I don't want to spend time with him as I actually don't spend time with him apart from working together from home (he doesn't want to go out after they finish training during the week)"

THAT is the problem, not the kids' football sessions. He could spend leisure time with you if he wanted to, but instead he just wants to whine about you taking the kids to football. The problem is him.

This conversation is something that we keep coming back to. I do understand what he is saying - we don't get to spend time together as a couple, and I know that it is important for our relationship. Of course my ideal would be for him to see it as I see it, and we fit in our couple time alongside or after the kids activities. But we don't.

He would prefer to have less time taken up by the activities and to have some free time to choose what we want to do. I do see his point to some degree. If we don't spend time together then when the kids are off, what will be left for us?

Would I be happy for DS to cycle to his training? Not midweek. He'd have to use a path alongside (but separate from) a dual carriageway, with no houses or people. I wouldn't feel safe doing it myself so there's no way he's doing that in the dark. He could though for weekend training (different location and daytime). DD is going to stop the Friday session after Xmas (said she's not bothered about that one) - it will give her time back too so we can arrange home (and hopefully away) sleepovers to help build friendships. And it will give us some couple time (DS will be on Xbox no doubt).

I have dc that age. It's normal IMO and part of parenting.

He sounds really selfish, are they his kids too? Of course driving them is important, you’re home at a reasonable time. He’s actively competing with his own children, it’s nauseating.

Also .what exactly does this couple time entail op , that can’t be done if he comes with yoh and you do after you drop your daughter off and before pick up. Or can’t be done after, that can only be done in that time slot?

They are his kids too.

He needs to come up with solutions rather than moaning at you. And they need to be sensible solutions not ones that involve your DD stopping an activity which is good for her mental health or your kids cycling in the dark.

For example, could you book a taxi through a reputable local taxi firm and the kids go by taxi sometimes?

This is the sort of thing he needs to look into.

There are plenty of solutions. He could go with her, drop their kid off, go out for dinner, pick her up, they could go out after, dinner, drinks, movie. They could make sat or sun night their date night, looking at the schedule. There is a multitude of options. He’s choosing not to take them.

the question is why. Why is he doing this, it clearly isn’t about couple time.

I would not want to spend time together as a couple with a man who seems to think family life is down to one parent only with him sitting waiting at home for 'couple time'.
What a child !

They ARE seeing friends at football. That's one of the huge benefits of being involved in sport for teens - it's the social aspect. My daughter does her sport 6 times per week and has a very large circle of friends because of it. They all hang out together, train together, go to competitions together - it's fun and very healthy. Surely it's better than them sitting at home on a screen.

The problem @vjmousey is that he has decided that ONLY this time when you are normally ferrying kids around is good for couple time. Which to me reads less as "I want to spend more time with my wife" and more of "I am jealous of the attention my wife gives my children".

What about when the DC were smaller? How did you handle this then? or was he happy because you'd put the kids to bed at 7 and then could give him your undivided attention?

I can't help wondering if when they were smaller did you possibly make your life smaller to fit him in? Eg not going out with friends, or not doing that exercise class of an evening or whatever?

I am very cynical, it's true, but everything you write about this man makes him sounds very selfish and petty and jealous of your children.

Has he explained exactly what he means by "time together " ?

I think there are two types of parents - those who see plenty of extra curricular, as long as everyone is enjoying it, as a positive. A way for children to make new friends, learn new skills, keep physically fit and healthy etc. Fo rme and DH, it means our children are also doing things and activities that they simply wouldn't do with us.

And then there are people who think that activities are tedious, boring and take up too much of a child's time. Who say they'd rather be at home together as a family etc. SIL is in this camp.

From my perspective, camp 2 seems to lead to children who are very insular, not terribly well rounded and frankly bored.

OP - your DH is being a twat. He could split the load with you or join you or you could go out after the kids are in bed. He could be making romantic meals for you to enjoy together when you get back. You could be lining up a movie to watch at 9pm.