Am I doing too much for our children? My husband thinks so

[vjmousey]

We have a DS (15) and DD(13). Both play football outside of school and 6 says out of 7 I am ferrying them around to get them to training and matches.

My DH is very upset about this as he says we have virtually no time together.

My daughter struggles with friendships and football gives her (IMO) a positive hobby where she spends time with other girls outside of school. She plays most Sundays and does 3 training days too. My son loves football and plays and/or refs on Sundays too, plus 2 training days per week.

Is this too much? DH feels I don't want to spend time with him as I actually don't spend time with him apart from working together from home (he doesn't want to go out after they finish training during the week).

It's become a massive problem in our relationship. I keep saying that it isn't forever, but he disagrees and says our children should be more responsible for themselves and get to and from training themselves.

DD is 13. DS is 15. They'd have to cycle between 15 - 35 mins each way in the dark to get themselves to and from training. I'm totally against this.

Lift sharing isn't realistic more than once every 2 weeks for one day. My in laws may be a possibility to take and pick up once a week after Christmas, though it feels like a lot to ask as they're not really hands on grandparents.

I'm just not sure there is a compromise here as he won't go out after, or come with me to training so we can spend time together.
Do I stop one of my daughter's training sessions? Am I being unreasonable?

It’s not that much training at all! So many parents would be DELIGHTED their children were so active and interested and not moping around on devices. How many parents actually have “date nights “ during the week?? And I’m completely opposed to teenagers cycling in the dark. What is he thinking??

Meanwhile in the real world...cost of lessons, sky high insurance, extra wear and tear on car. A teen isn't going to want stop driving once they pass, they will want access to the car sometimes.
At all costs £££££ that many people don't have have laying around at any time let alone during COL.🙄

Must be hard with 3 kids!

the compromise is he comes to the football sessions rather than acting like a child. Or as you say you pop out afterwards. Why should your kids suffer because their father is a twat

He’s being unreasonable. No way would I send my kids cycling in the dark so I could spend more time with my partner. Why doesn’t he go too and you could go for a drink or some food whilst training is on? Why isn’t he doing some of the lifts too?

I think it's part of being a parent to ferry them around unless they can safely walk. My dc does a sport competitively (4 times or week) which she loves. She also does 2 other sports. We share the driving, and sometimes there's lift shares. Dh and I make time at weekends- usually Friday evenings and then over the weekend maybe grab a few hours to watch a series.

Are they his kids? If so this is very odd behaviour.

This is just standard for many families I know with a couple children playing team sports. Training during week and matches at weekends. Why isn’t your husband doing some of the driving? Maybe if he was more involved in their hobby he would see the benefits it has for them and would stop behaving like a child himself.
This is the wrong time of year to get them cycling to training.

Firstly, why are you doing it 6 days out of 7? Why can’t he share the load? Secondly training is usually done and dusted by 8.30ish. Why can’t you spend time together after? Thirdly, why can’t you go for a drink/coffee while the kids are training? What he’s saying is that he wants you to prioritise him over the kids and he doesn’t like that he’s not the centre of your attention. I wouldn’t let the kids give up their hobbies but I would sit down and find a way of working together.

It sounds like, like a lot of dads, your DH is out of touch with the reality of having teenagers. I would be delighted that my DC are active and healthy and enjoying a hobby - if he knew many teenagers he would know that this is not the case for many teens.

Ugh another pathetic man who's jealous of children.

Surely the compromise here could be.. you both take them training and go and have a coffee, browse round a shop, a drink in a local pub (whatever) together, for the hour they're training.

But instead he wants them to drop one, stay inside (presumably in their room as he doesn't want more family time, only you time) when the former would make everyone else happier.

Otherwise what does he do when you're all out at training? Doing house jobs I hope..

@BarbedButterfly the thing is, it also works the other way around.

The OP, whether she is right or not, might not appreciate to have a partner who puts himself before his own dcs, regardless of the effect on his own dcs. She might decide to check out emotionally after seeing said father refuse to be flexible and accept they can have time together after the dcs have done their practice or that really he should be involved in all the ferrying around.

The way you worded things made me think it would somehow be the OP’s fault if that guy checks out of the relationship.
i would dispute that.
Yes taking time to spend time together as a couple is important. But not at the detriment of the children and not only on his terms (and apparently Wo him proposing anything else other than ‘let’s make the dcs take the brunt of my wishes’).
But so is working as a team, communicating, and actually parenting your own children! It doesn’t seem he is doing any of that.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir All fair points and I certainly didn't mean to imply it would be OP's fault, merely provide the other position to he's just too needy and kids come first posts thus far.

While, as I said in my post, I wouldn't stop practice and instead suggest he comes along, or do things after, I don't think dismissing his concerns entirely as too needy is sensible either. You have to invest in your relationship too if you want it to last and at the moment OP admits they have no time together really.

I couldn't be in a relationship like that, but it is also up to him to work out how they can build in that quality time as well as fill the kids needs - flexibility and consideration is needed on both sides.

The reality though is that dropping let’s say one evening of training would probably mean that one (or both) child would end up with no hobby at all. You can’t just decide to skip one training night every week and then still hope to be in the team.
The 15yo that is doing training but also referring might have a bit more flexibility.

I get that having two children heavily involved in their sport is a pain because weekends and evenings are then suddenly dictated by them, often weeks and weeks in advance.
The answer is NOT to want and stop them doing that (or really you should have thought about it way ahead and discourage them to take part in such time consuming hobby/sport). The answer is to organise your life around that.

Maybe it’s saying that once every 6 weeks you have a weekend as a family with no football.
Maybe it’s making the Saturday and/or Sunday evening an adult only night.
Maybe it’s encouraging the 15yo at least to be more independent, use his bike/get a lift etc…
Maybe it’s using the time when they train/have match (esp when the 15yo is referring rather than playing) to have time together as a couple.
Maybe it’s planning to have a weekend away as a couple.

There are many many possibilities, just as many as there are families organisation really. But most couples manage to have some time together even with their children having multiple activities.

@BarbedButterfly i think the ‘he is needy’ comments aren’t coming from the fact he wants couple time.
It’s coming from the fact he wants that AND he wants it his way even if it negatively impact the dcs. That’s make him needy and unreasonable.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir Yes that makes more sense now that I think about it that way!

I'm in the same situation with driving a 17 year old Foster child with SEN, so he can't drive around himself, not only to college each day and back then to collect and back. Then he has sports practice 4 times a week for between 1 1/2 and 3 hours. On Sunday DH and I both drop him off then pop to pub for a meal then back to collect him. We get 2 hours at the pub together. On Wednesday we both drop him off for an hour and a half and DH and I drop off then pop to the shops.

I think that you shouldn't dismiss what he is telling you because the point he is making is a fair one. He feels that you don't have time together in the evening. You yourself admit this. It's not selfish or a man child to say this.
Whether or not you as a family decide to continue with the status quo or make some changes is a different matter.

I have teens and fully understand the importance of having a hobby. I also understand that when it comes to an organised team sport such as football you can't pick and choose the days.

However, filling 6/7 evenings is quite a commitment. Not just to the person involved in taxiing around, but also because it changes the dynamic of family time at home. You aren't available to do anything else together or even just relax and chat at that time, and presumably your teens are also unavailable to see each other on those days. It might be considered completely normal and positive in some families, others may prefer to see more of each other. It doesn't really matter because one isn't objectively better than the other, but generally both parents should agree on family life.

I personally would try and prioritise my kids' wellbeing, and continue to enable their activities if I thought this was in their best interests, but I think you should try and be more pro- active in terms of getting your children to and from the activity.
In the winter see if there are another 2/3 kids who could lift share in any way.

I don't think it's unreasonable - we are in the same boat except for children's activities have never even been at the same place or time. We tag team it all the time. The problem is that he doesn't want to prioritise kids and you do.

If he really wanted to spend time with you HE would organize a lift share or a taxi or something for your DD and book a table for dinner. Or, just come with you.

@icechocs what role does the DH play in this? He just seems to complain but not actually be pro-active in trying to share lifts, find time to be with OP etc

Why does your kids being at football practice mean you can't spend time together? Why wouldn't you just drop them off and collect later? Especially matches.

Also if he wants DD/DS to drop a session - he can be the one to deliver the news and reasoning.

I'm sure you could organise lift sharing too - if you really needed to.

I dont believe every training session is in the dark… certainly the matches are not all in the dark. I’m sure there must be some compromise involving lift shares… or dropping them and going together nearby for a drink. I’ve done this for various hobbies over the years when it hasn’t been worth driving home and back again.

Your DC's hobbies are important, but it's important to invest time in your relationship too.

I think your DH has a point although he's making it slightly childishly
Agree with this. He's being childish about it and should be picking up some of the runs, but it isn't unreasonable to want to have time as a couple.

Sometimes I think some couples get itno parent mode and forget they're also meant to have a romantic relationship independent of the children. It's not hard to see how people get past the children phase in life and find there isn't much of a romantic relationship left after years of sidelining it.

Hmmmm. It's quite a lot but also fairly normal for a family to have kids activities most days. If you have multiple kids, multiple activities, it soon adds up. Yes he might help with the lifts, but that doesn't help you have more time together.

I think you (mainly him) are making this into more of a big deal than it needs to be though. Most couples with kids don't go out in the evening midweek much. Why can't you spend time together at home after the driving is done? And surely the activities don't take up the whole weekend? There must be some time left for other things.

I'm surprised that you can't arrange more lift shares. Are there really not other kids who live near you going to football, whose parents would very much appreciate sharing? We always did this. And unless it is a particularly dangerous route, I honestly can't see why a 15 yr old can't cycle 15-20 mins to football practice even if it is dark (good lights obviously, reflective jacket).

Bit "Mountain out of a molehill"? This is just normal family life and requires a bit of compromise and working around on all sides.