Am I doing too much for our children? My husband thinks so

[vjmousey]

We have a DS (15) and DD(13). Both play football outside of school and 6 says out of 7 I am ferrying them around to get them to training and matches.

My DH is very upset about this as he says we have virtually no time together.

My daughter struggles with friendships and football gives her (IMO) a positive hobby where she spends time with other girls outside of school. She plays most Sundays and does 3 training days too. My son loves football and plays and/or refs on Sundays too, plus 2 training days per week.

Is this too much? DH feels I don't want to spend time with him as I actually don't spend time with him apart from working together from home (he doesn't want to go out after they finish training during the week).

It's become a massive problem in our relationship. I keep saying that it isn't forever, but he disagrees and says our children should be more responsible for themselves and get to and from training themselves.

DD is 13. DS is 15. They'd have to cycle between 15 - 35 mins each way in the dark to get themselves to and from training. I'm totally against this.

Lift sharing isn't realistic more than once every 2 weeks for one day. My in laws may be a possibility to take and pick up once a week after Christmas, though it feels like a lot to ask as they're not really hands on grandparents.

I'm just not sure there is a compromise here as he won't go out after, or come with me to training so we can spend time together.
Do I stop one of my daughter's training sessions? Am I being unreasonable?

So neither plays on Saturday and you could spend time together while your daughter is training?

He seems to resent your children more than he wants to find ways to spend time with you.

Exactly sat night could be date night. There are many options. He’s clearly choosing not to spend time with her, but cause this fight. It’s really grim.

Sounds like my life when oldest DC were that age. Drove over 2000 miles a month getting them to and from training and games. Completely normal and expected part of being an involved parent. They grow so quickly and now both can drive them drive themselves there and back and I sort of miss the time we spent together getting to training and games to be honest.

DC3 is now following in older siblings footsteps and we've got training twice a week currently for them but so for its only local.

Your DH is being childish - why wouldnt he want to support his children to be happy, reach their potential and enjoy life? They will remember him being so uninvolved in them and their hobbies when they are older and wont look back on him during their childhood fondly.

Kids are only young once and they are nearly at an age where they will be driving themselves. Tell him to wind his neck in and support his DC.

And there is a 3rd group. Those who let their dcs chose what they enjoy doing and follow their lead.
Id say the OP falls into that category.

Her ds clearly gets a lot out of football, so much so he is now doing some referring.
Her dd is now deciding that the Friday evening sessions isn’t what she wants so she is dropping that.

Were not talking about primary age children here (that yes are taken to activities etc… and have much. Less say into it) but secondary age children who have developed their tastes and have agency (yes facilitated by parents still).
Thats Why telling those teens what they can or can’t do is wrong. So is judging how much of that activity they are doing etc…

At 15yo, dc1 had decided he would go running regularly. His choice was to do regular 3~5k several times a week. Some times at the weekend, some times after school/evenings. Should I have stoped him from doing that because ‘no one is doing that much in a week’??

This. What a lazy f*cker.

A point that hasn't been raised yet (I don't think) is that DH aside, this is taking a lot of OP's time. The teenage years are typically ones where the teens can start becoming more independent and adults can "get some of their life back".

If OP is spending 6 days out of 7 ferrying her DC to places, when does she get to do something for herself? When does she get to see her friends? Her life shouldn't be focussed solely on running round for her children.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir I think you and I are on the same page actually. I agree, it must be done in line with the child's preferences. Although I strongly believe that children should be encouraged to have at least one thing they do outside of their main school activities (eg if they want to join the school art, dance and football clubs, great, no problem).

And no, from my perspective you absolutely should NOT have stopped your DS. I think him wanting to take up running is brilliant. Perhaps you thought I meant it had to be organised and social - not at all. That is a benefit but in my experience of running (my entire family, bar me, are runners) for example, over time, someone who starts out solo running almost always lands up doing fun runs and races, perhaps joins a club etc so social stuff does actually happen. or they just meet other runners and spend time talking about nutrition and good routes and other random running activities.

You both work together from home and he wants more time with just you? Sounds suffocating. I'd deeply resent that he's not helping take his own kids to their hobbies - its such a short part of the life. Although tedious at the time, it's over before you realise. I presume he is their father?

A 15 YO should want to cycle there themselves, you should be encouraging independence as much as possible. But also you and DH need to share doing some lifts. Do you do planned things together like date nights etc?

DH does all the ferrying around to activities and I stay in with the youngest children. It's a team effort. Either way, both parents are busy with an activity in the evening whether they like it or not. You just get on with it as that's what parenting is all about. No grandparents involved here. We have to get on with it ourselves. One does a martial art, another fencing, another swimming and orchestra practice too has to be fitted in during the week. It's all go but you wouldn't want your children doing without.

Eldest makes his way home from one of his activities as he has a Young Scot card which is really useful to encourage independence as he's 16.

Your DH should be helping more. I have four DC which is a huge workload of ferrying around each week compared to two DC.

I’d never ferry my teens around - but we’ve chosen to live in a town for this reason.

I don’t have children so I maybe have a different perspective, but surely you still need to make time for your relationship too. It doesn’t stop mattering because children come along or does it? I don’t know but it feels like some kind of compromise needs to be found.

Except the ONLY compromise OP's DH is interested in is her stopping this activity of supporting their DC. She has specifically said he won't do things with her afterwards as he thinks its too late. She hasn't specified, but it's clear he doesn't ever come with her to these activities as a way to hang out together. He hasn't offered any other solutions that might work.

I have to admit, I get so tired of the "oh, but you have to make time for your relationship" bleating. Because it seems to me that it almost always involves the woman adapting and accommodating. It never seems to me the man who has to cancel golf sometimes, or perhaps pick up some of the household chores so there's more time or do some bloody childcare. It smacks of some 1950s housewife guide - "make sure you're nicely dressed and made up and the children are clean when he gets home from work, he's had a long hard day supporting you all."

If OP's husband had even just said, "what about every second Wednesday we sort a lift for DD while we go to dinner"... but no, it's just general whining.

Sorry, apparently I'm in a mood. Will go do the work I'm supposed to be doing now.

I think there are two types of parents - those who see plenty of extra curricular, as long as everyone is enjoying it, as a positive. A way for children to make new friends, learn new skills, keep physically fit and healthy etc. Fo rme and DH, it means our children are also doing things and activities that they simply wouldn't do with us.

And then there are people who think that activities are tedious, boring and take up too much of a child's time. Who say they'd rather be at home together as a family etc. SIL is in this camp

I think there's also a camp 3, which are families who value extra curricular activities but don't allow them to dominate the whole family schedule and culture. DH and I value extra curricular activities, but we also value time as a family and we have absolutely no desire to be one of those families who are like ships in the night because everyone is at loads of clubs and activities. We like to have margin in our week and time with each other. Neither of us wants a lifestyle where 6/7 days we're always rushing about here, there and everywhere.

This is a really odd thing to complain about. Sport for kids is so important particularly for teenage girls.

It help their fitness, socialising and also mental health so I have to say if DH expected DD to give up her sport so he and I could spend time together on a mid-week evening I would tell him to do one.

We have 3 kids and work long hours and get very little time together in the week but that's just life isn't it? I do most of the ferrying because I work at home so no commute but if DH also works at home on a day when there's an activity he shares the load.

We go out as a couple at the weekend which I think is fairly standard for couples isn't it?? - there's unlikely to be training Saturday or Sunday evenings surely?

I am with DH here to a degree. Why? I never want the kids to take full time of our chances to be a couple, if this is what kids brought to relationships, I do not think many marriages would have lasted.

That said, he should do some part of this taking them to these activities or many find a way to balance it and still have time to be a "couple" and not have hobbies that will likely not be a thing for them once they are adults.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Your children will be grown up in a couple of years and you'll have nothing left of your relationship with your husband 🤷‍♀️

He also needs to come first, your children aren't babies.

He also needs to come first, your children aren't babies.

Curious to know when the OP can come first ….
(bar the fact t you can’t have the dcs AND the DH coming first!)

They're WORKING from home.

That's nothing at all like spending quality time together.

When the kids have grown up completely (they're nearly there already) there'll be no relationship left.

This is why divorces are much more common now.

What do you do when your dcs WANT AND CHOSE to spend loads of time doing a hobby?

Those dcs are teens so really the hobbies will be driven by them rather than parents.
Does it mean you’ll tell them they can chose their hobby and how involved they are because it doesn’t fit your lifestyle as a parent?

What do you do when your dcs WANT AND CHOSE to spend loads of time doing a hobby?

Those dcs are teens so really the hobbies will be driven by them rather than parents.
Does it mean you’ll tell them they can chose their hobby and how involved they are because it doesn’t fit your lifestyle as a parent?

I'm not at the teen years, but my friends who are who I respect are mindful of the family unit when it comes to planning family life and they've taken that approach from a young age.

They've given their children age appropriate independence and promoted a range of hobbies that don't mean their children are out 6 days a week and have endless team/ensemble commitments, and it was a deliberate parenting decision on their part. They've chosen to live somewhere that allow their DC to travel to some of their hobbies themselves and also arrange lift sharing with their children's peers. The parents have interests and hobbies as well, which the children join and/or they do as a family.They're also people who seem to have a strong marriage as well.

For example, one child might do Christmas productions that has a team/ensemble responsibility, but another does a team sport in the summer. If Dad likes mountain biking, he'll take DC to trials or training centres and do his own thing. If DC swim then they choose swimming lessons somewhere that the supervising parent can also go to the gym during the lesson time. No child gets to dominate family life.
It's a part of their family culture to be part of a whole, not just a cluster of individuals who expect everyone to revolve around them.

Or they could spend time together supporting their children for a few hours a week, and spend some of the time left over together? The level of commitment required (twice after school and one weekend match or session) is pretty normal for sports at this age. There is plenty of time for their relationship.

Somebody isn’t putting in enough effort, but it isn’t the OP.

They've given their children age appropriate independence and promoted a range of hobbies that don't mean their children are out 6 days a week

The OP’s children aren’t each out 6 days a week.

Why do you have to do all the drop off's and picks ups?

I would go about encouraging my dc to independently getting to the training / local matches on weekends. This will free time up for you and dh.

Dark evenings are not so good to do this although you could say they have to do it themselves during the summer months.

You could still go and watch a match or two as well to support dc sometimes.

But between them they ARE out 6 days out of 7.