Am I doing too much for our children? My husband thinks so

[vjmousey]

We have a DS (15) and DD(13). Both play football outside of school and 6 says out of 7 I am ferrying them around to get them to training and matches.

My DH is very upset about this as he says we have virtually no time together.

My daughter struggles with friendships and football gives her (IMO) a positive hobby where she spends time with other girls outside of school. She plays most Sundays and does 3 training days too. My son loves football and plays and/or refs on Sundays too, plus 2 training days per week.

Is this too much? DH feels I don't want to spend time with him as I actually don't spend time with him apart from working together from home (he doesn't want to go out after they finish training during the week).

It's become a massive problem in our relationship. I keep saying that it isn't forever, but he disagrees and says our children should be more responsible for themselves and get to and from training themselves.

DD is 13. DS is 15. They'd have to cycle between 15 - 35 mins each way in the dark to get themselves to and from training. I'm totally against this.

Lift sharing isn't realistic more than once every 2 weeks for one day. My in laws may be a possibility to take and pick up once a week after Christmas, though it feels like a lot to ask as they're not really hands on grandparents.

I'm just not sure there is a compromise here as he won't go out after, or come with me to training so we can spend time together.
Do I stop one of my daughter's training sessions? Am I being unreasonable?

Please carry on providing whatever support you can to your children. The 15 year old will be 25 and the 13 year old will be 23 in 10 year's time. They only have limited childhood left.

Yes, exactly. It’s completely bizarre that he thinks DC cycling in the dark for 15-35 mins is preferable to them being driven there and back, and that he won’t do any of these journeys with you or indeed, split them with you. You could easily spend time together while DC are at training.

Why can't the kids take themselves to training.
Dp took himself to competitive football and swimming.
There has to be a balance.

Why can't you plan to go out after the training ?
Take children home or they get taxi or bus
Go to late night cinema, theatre, live music, do something together

You are neglecting your marriage

He sounds very odd.

We were out most nights for years with very busy weekends too.

It was busy but we had time together at the weekend, evening times, often tired, sharing a bottleof wine and a pizza.

There is no way my children would be cycling to training and at risk in the dark, and we are very urban.
Their safety is simply too important to us both.

What a strange man to be so uninvolved and uncaring about his children.

You see your daughter mixing through sport and of course you want to support that.

It is what good decent loving parents do.

Is it hard, relentless, tiresome at times?
You bet it is.

But we do these sports and training runs because we know they add value to our childrens lives and we want them to develop into happy healthy young adults.

I really wouldn't want to be spending time with a man who doesn't share the load with our children, sounds jealous of them and seems to begrudge them what they enjoy.

If they were doing 10 different activities I would be open to reducing that but this is one sport that they are hugely committed too.

I would be supporting it and I would be wondering how I ended up with such a shit husband and father to our children.

It is not normal to begrudge your children like that.

I certainly wouldn't be imposing on grandparents for driving them either.

I used to take my DS to training sessions and matches, but it was once a week for either. Do you stay during training? I started coming home in between.
Why doesn't your DH ever take them, does he not drive? 3 training sessions for 1 club seems a lot, I'm surprised enough kids would want to turn up for that much. It seemed hard to get enough to train once a week.
Could you do it between you to share the load? I think to cut your DD down to twice a week would be reasonable, any more on top of matches could risk injuries anyway.
If your DH came with, could you nip for coffee or to a local pub while training happens maybe?.

He's the problem. He has opportunities to be with you but he refuses. And he's blaming you. What a piece of work.

Why is he setting himself up in competition with his children for your attention? He is making himself into just another household chore.

The solution is simple - he needs to find ways to take on more of your burden so that you then have more time which you want to spend with him.

This one's not on you, it's on him.

I agree with the other posters, he needs to do more if he wants things to be different. Expecting a 13/15yo to cycle in the dark? Absolutely not.

As far as I can tell he has 2 choices, either you go together to drop them off then go do something together or if they're going to separate places he can drop off one and you do the other.

Alternatively is there a bus the 15yo could take? Or could you afford a weekly taxi cab/uber?

The daughter is 13 fgs. She definitely shouldn’t be cycling on the roads in the dark. I wouldn’t want the 15 yr old to either, they’re children and it’s dangerous.

we all used to go to training sometimes, as it was nice to spend time together. Otherwise we shared the driving.

when dd got to 14 she would get the train one way & id leave later to fetch her.

Thinking about it, dd used to live the journey in the car, it was her time with us.

op if your dp isn’t taking them to training, he’s missing out and so are the D.C.

He won't come out after or come with you to training?
He doesn't do any of the ferrying around?
He wants young teenagers to cycle in the dark so he can have date nights?

I wouldn't want to spend any time with him for these reasons alone. Your DC have one activity each that they're very committed to, and that you recognise is helping them.
It is relentless being mum's taxi but it is actually only for a few short years. I miss those car journeys with weird and wonderful chats now.

He is being very unreasonable

Can you give us an idea of what your days and evenings look like in terms of what you do for the children?

This, and like hell would I be stopping or reducing my children's activities to dance round an adult man who is effectively demanding you treat him as more important than your (and his) children There might be an argument for them cycling the shorter route some days, esp the older one, but I wouldn't be using any time that freed up for male-ego-feeding duties.

Can they drop one session a week? 4 is a lot. Couldn’t be used for a dedicated date night instead.

Is it dark on the Sunday sessions (ie late afternoon)? If not, and assuming the route is safe, I’d be encouraging them to cycle then. Certainly the 15-year old.

FWIW I agree that your husband should be coming to the sessions too if he wants to spend more time together. But I also wouldn’t want my spare time to be dominated to that extent by children’s activities. Our lives, hobbies and interests are important too!

Ugh this would put me right off him.

He doesn't want to go out with you after training? Well tough. That's an ideal time to go out actually- football training sessions don't finish too late and your children are old enough to leave at home without having the faff of finding a babysitter. Or you could go out or do something the night there's no training.

And as pp have said, you could drop off at the match or training together and have a coffee.

You have 2 children. They both have a hobby/sport.

3 days each isn't really that much!

Tell him to be grateful they don't swim! That's 5 days a week twice a day for 4 of them 🤣
And that's just training and not competitions!

Also tell him to step up and do some of the running around - it's called parenting!

I have the ick just reading this. He's like a toddler. There are a million options from him.coming along to going out after to enjoying time.together at home.

What is wrong with him. I’d be raging if my husband not only did nothing to help our children to share the load, but then also complained about me doing so!

In general I'd agree with your husband that you should encourage independence in teens. And it does sound like your teens do a lot of activities.

Whether the cycle ride is reaonable depends on the route - is is a busy dark road or a well lit cycle path? What time will they be cycling home - if training is after school and they are cycling home at 5, that's very different to cycling home at 10. And surely the weekend days must be in the light? Are there really no options to lift share (unless you live in completely the wrong direction to everyone else, it seems likely that others will want to get out of the driving at least some of the time!)

However, I don't see why the football prevents you and your husband spending time together - either training is so short that there is a lot of the evening left, or it's so long that you can do something while it's on. so he's being unreasonable not to work round it.

Our children do a lot of extra curricular activities 4 days a week. The difference is my husband will also take them whilst I go to the gym for example.
There are plenty of other times in the week to spend time together, you also work together so it’s not like you are ships in the night.
He sounds very childish. Why can’t you go for coffee or lunch while your children train? We have done that in the past.
Yes it’s important to make time as a couple. But it’s also important for your children to have clubs

If there is one lift share possible every two weeks, can you anchor that? You drop off, go out with husband and child gets dropped home by other parents.

Otherwise, I rather agree with others - he comes with you, you nip for a drink during training and then you all go home together

I am coming at this at another angle. Children of course come first, but you do have to nuture your relationship too if you want it to survive or when your kids fly the nest there will be nothing left. A friend was in a similar situation and her husband grew more and more resentful and they divorced when the kids left.

Now as to whether he has reasonable expectations is another matter. The training is clearly important to your children so I would continue with that. You can ask him to tag along and you two go for dinner or to the cinema etc while they practice. Or go out after once they are home, hiring a babysitter when necessary.

I know a lot are calling him needy, but I do have to say that if the only quality time I got with my partner was while we were both working and after I expressed unhappiness I was told to suck it up, well I probably would check out emotionally. He is telling you that this isn't working and whether we see it as reasonable or not he feels how he feels. It is up to you what you do with that.

I agree with this. If you want a marriage after your children have left home, you can’t just put it on the back burner for 20 years.

Whilst whining about it without offering any solutions is deeply unattractive, posters who think their childrens’ needs come before their partner’s in all circumstances are going to get a shock when they are empty nesters.