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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Weekends like this one make me want to leave my marriage - sad!

104 replies

totallyfedup · 26/11/2023 22:51

DH has controlled everything and made absolutely no effort to do anything with me. He has become so controlling, when I’ve confronted him he says it’s because if he doesn’t do it it will never get done! I’m just more laid-back than him.

So this weekend Friday night 9pm I said do you want to watch an episode of the box set we’ve been watching together “no it’s too late and I don’t want to watch all the episodes too close together” ok so we will just watch an episode when you want then. So he goes off to bed at 10 to 10 on a Friday night. I have difficulties with sleeping so I finally get to sleep at 1am but I was back up at 3am for a bit. 7am he’s up clattering about as he’s going to the gym, then he informs me off his day, he’s taking DS out, then watching the football, the Grand Prix, going for a run then he’s going out with his friend at night. He emptied the dishwasher and took in the online shop as well ( I’m not allowed to do the online shop as I miss things off and go over budget). whilst he was out in his run I went out and bought loads of nice things for me and the DCs to have a nice night in. He got back at 12 midnight I was still up. Today he was hungover which meant we couldn’t have went anywhere as a family, he watched more football and the actual Grand Prix race, did some ironing and made the dinner. So he is doing some housework things but as much as I am.

I said to him yesterday you are so controlling, you control what we eat, the temperature of the house (he hates it being warm he wears shorts and t-shirt all year round) if I put the heating on he’ll turn it off in 10 minutes and say he’s melting. Or open the front door. What we watch. Where we go. ( I hate driving large distances on the motorway so he usually drives). He’s also very tight with money. If we go out he will want to go very early in the morning so we are back 1-2ish so we don’t need to buy lunch out or he will take snacks. We are very comfortable money wise. I work and get to keep most of my wages so I’m not short of money or he keeps it from me but he’s just obsessed about his own money. If we go on holiday he would rather eat a pot noodle in the hotel room than go out for dinner (I kid you not). I will get annoyed and book dinner and pay for it.

So back to the weekend, I could have taken the DC out myself today I suppose or found my own entertainment. I think I’ll be doing that next weekend. I just can’t believe his selfishness. I actually really enjoy when he’s out the house and not complaining about something and I think that tells you something. The DCs and I had a lovely night, the house was toasty warm, I had scented candles on (he blows them out says they stink) I watched what I wanted and I had peace.

if I prefer it when he’s not here it’s telling me a lot isn’t it?

OP posts:

olderbutwiser · 26/11/2023 22:54

Yup. What do you get out of this relationship?

SpaceRaiders · 26/11/2023 22:54

Sounds like a miserable way to live. Do you perhaps think it could be anxiety related?

Jellycats4life · 26/11/2023 22:57

He sounds like he sucks all the joy out of everyone’s lives.

clopper · 26/11/2023 22:59

He is a fun sponge and you are right, very controlling.

Venomous · 26/11/2023 23:01

You just aren’t compatible. Has it ever worked?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 26/11/2023 23:09

My DH has been a prick this weekend and l can't even be bothered to talk to him so l totally get your feeling of a ruined weekend op.
Yanbu

JasonJuly · 26/11/2023 23:11

That is seriously controlling and needs to stop!

It says a lot that you and the kids have more fun when he isn’t around and don’t seem to miss him. He’s putting his own interests first and it’s his way or no way but that’s just not good enough. He isn’t showing you enough respect or giving you credit for all the work you put in and try to make things nice and fun for all.

How long have you been together?

Malarandras · 26/11/2023 23:15

You get to keep your own wages? I couldn’t get past that sentence OP sorry. You need to think carefully about your relationship, very carefully.

bonzaitree · 26/11/2023 23:19

What does he do when you challenge his controlling behaviour?

Original poster

totallyfedup · 26/11/2023 23:29

I’ll try to answer the questions
been together about 25 years teenage DC he’s a good father. He’s not a laid-back person at all just not his personality, to do lists for everything. Checks his bank balance constantly. We have a joint account for bills then separate bank accounts. His wages pay all the households bills etc, mine pays for my phone, the pets and the DC clothes and my things like haircuts etc. Housework is 50/50

OP posts:

JasonJuly · 26/11/2023 23:35

totallyfedup · 26/11/2023 23:29

You and he have very different personalities then but it seems that he is the one that gets to decide everything, why is that when it should be 50/50 between you.

You say he’s a good father which he may well be but is he a good partner to you? Doesn’t sound like he respects you and instead it’s that you have to just do what he wants and says. Does he still make you happy?

Original poster

totallyfedup · 26/11/2023 23:35

Oh when I tried to talk to him yesterday he said he’s not controlling and we can go anywhere I want next week! He also said he’s not a punch bag and is going to take me character abusing him WTF! He’s only saying we can go anywhere as he’s got nothing else on. If I had said last night can you not drink tonight as I want to go out tomorrow he would have said no.

Even if we do go somewhere it always feels rushed I can never be relaxed, he always looks like he’s in a rush to get home and onto the next thing. I’m going out myself during the week though and I’m going to not rush, relax, have lunch and enjoy myself.

OP posts:

Pigeonqueen · 26/11/2023 23:41

Why is he so controlling with money? Do you have access to your own money? That rings alarm bells for me the way you speak about his financial control.

The rest of it you just seem deeply incompatible. Has it always been like this?

bonzaitree · 26/11/2023 23:42

where do you want to go next weekend OP? Could you say to him that you want to go for a coffee or a cake near you and relax for a while and read the papers?

Original poster

totallyfedup · 26/11/2023 23:43

To add to it I’m often quite unwell and can be bedridden for a day so rather than argue it’s easier just to let him get on with it.

We’ve always been very different chalk and cheese, I like to get up in the morning and see what sort of mood Im in and see where the day takes me, he will ask me on Monday what are you doing this weekend and when I say I don’t know he can’t cope with that and will make his own plans.

OP posts:

JasonJuly · 26/11/2023 23:44

totallyfedup · 26/11/2023 23:35

What he says and what he does seem to be 2 completely different things. You should go out and not rush back, take your time and enjoy yourself, keep him waiting so he can get a taste of what it’s like

Original poster

totallyfedup · 26/11/2023 23:46

@Pigeonqueen yes I have access to my own money a lot of it and he never asks me what I spend my own money on. He will say things like why are you buying X it’s a waste of money and I will say well it’s my money! He earns a lot more than me and pays all the bills etc so my money is my own really to do what I want with

OP posts:

nameychanger5678 · 27/11/2023 00:02

Sorry I don't think he sounds that bad - he pulls his weight around the house, takes out the DCs, earns loads and pays all the bills so you get to keep your own money to do what you want with. Ok so he is tight with the heating and funny about going to bed early, makes lists - some people are like that - so?

SpaceRaiders · 27/11/2023 00:47

Op the more you post the more incompatible you sound.

If he’s out, what’s stopping you for organising something for you and your dc?

If you want to eat something else, why don’t you just cook it?

If he’s been out drinking on Sat night, again there’s nothing stopping you from leaving him in bed and going out for the morning.

He cooks, he cleans, pays for everything allowing you to keep all your earnings. Maybe I’m missing something?

MintJulia · 27/11/2023 00:52

I think the issue is he's someone who likes to plan his weekends in advance, sounds very organised, makes lists and keep busy/to a schedule, energetic, getting up and out early to fill his day.

You like to take your time, more spontaneous, do things on impulse.

You have very different approaches to life but neither is wrong.

I'm not sure he's controlling, he isn't taking your money or stopping you buying what you want or going where you want. He does his share of the cooking, shopping, dc's care etc. If he's always on the go, he probably needs less heating.

Perhaps he is a bit dismissive of your needs but equally you criticise him for getting on with life. Basically you don't sound at all suited. He's a speed-walker, you're an ambler.

Appleblum · 27/11/2023 00:56

I don't think he sounds controlling. He certainly sounds like he pulls his weight around the house and children. You do sound incompatible or you've grown apart.

My DH can be abit like you in that he doesn't make plans in advance. It drives me crazy! I don't like not having plans and last minute tasks stress me out. I ask him during the week if he has anything he needs to do during the weekend, if he doesn't then I either plan something or I don't, that doesn't make me controlling.

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 27/11/2023 00:59

The whole rushing home on a day out so he doesn't have to buy lunch would be the nail in the coffin for me. What a miserable way to live!

EKGEMS · 27/11/2023 01:15

A good father doesn't rule the house with an iron fist. A good father doesn't do whatever he wants all weekend leaving half the family behind. A good father is open to hearing the opinion's of his spouse and children and mature enough to listen to criticism without defensiveness. A good father prioritizes his relationship with the mother of his children. A good father knows he instills a blueprint of his behavior on his children.
Get out, now. Seek therapy for yourself and your kids

Shoxfordian · 27/11/2023 05:45

It sounds like you're not really compatible anymore, you want different lifestyles.

KaySararSarar · 27/11/2023 05:55

You sound equally as controlling, don’t drink tonight as I want to do something tomorrow. Then you choose not to arrange something for yourself and DC to do, I’m afraid it comes across quite martyrish.

He’s happy to make his own plans (which you take issue with) so next weekend make sure to make your own plans - it shouldn’t be an issue.

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