Weekends like this one make me want to leave my marriage - sad!

[totallyfedup]

DH has controlled everything and made absolutely no effort to do anything with me. He has become so controlling, when I’ve confronted him he says it’s because if he doesn’t do it it will never get done! I’m just more laid-back than him.

So this weekend Friday night 9pm I said do you want to watch an episode of the box set we’ve been watching together “no it’s too late and I don’t want to watch all the episodes too close together” ok so we will just watch an episode when you want then. So he goes off to bed at 10 to 10 on a Friday night. I have difficulties with sleeping so I finally get to sleep at 1am but I was back up at 3am for a bit. 7am he’s up clattering about as he’s going to the gym, then he informs me off his day, he’s taking DS out, then watching the football, the Grand Prix, going for a run then he’s going out with his friend at night. He emptied the dishwasher and took in the online shop as well ( I’m not allowed to do the online shop as I miss things off and go over budget). whilst he was out in his run I went out and bought loads of nice things for me and the DCs to have a nice night in. He got back at 12 midnight I was still up. Today he was hungover which meant we couldn’t have went anywhere as a family, he watched more football and the actual Grand Prix race, did some ironing and made the dinner. So he is doing some housework things but as much as I am.

I said to him yesterday you are so controlling, you control what we eat, the temperature of the house (he hates it being warm he wears shorts and t-shirt all year round) if I put the heating on he’ll turn it off in 10 minutes and say he’s melting. Or open the front door. What we watch. Where we go. ( I hate driving large distances on the motorway so he usually drives). He’s also very tight with money. If we go out he will want to go very early in the morning so we are back 1-2ish so we don’t need to buy lunch out or he will take snacks. We are very comfortable money wise. I work and get to keep most of my wages so I’m not short of money or he keeps it from me but he’s just obsessed about his own money. If we go on holiday he would rather eat a pot noodle in the hotel room than go out for dinner (I kid you not). I will get annoyed and book dinner and pay for it.

So back to the weekend, I could have taken the DC out myself today I suppose or found my own entertainment. I think I’ll be doing that next weekend. I just can’t believe his selfishness. I actually really enjoy when he’s out the house and not complaining about something and I think that tells you something. The DCs and I had a lovely night, the house was toasty warm, I had scented candles on (he blows them out says they stink) I watched what I wanted and I had peace.

if I prefer it when he’s not here it’s telling me a lot isn’t it?

He doesn’t sound bad at all, you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Not ready to watch a episode together, so what, just wait and watch something else or stop watching it together.

He goes gym and watches tv….well why not, he works and pulls his weight around the home….why don’t you go gym and then lunch with a friend too?

Seems the only problem is family time, you both need to work on that.

I aren't blaming you OP but you seem a bit out of synch with each other.
If he wants plans for the weekend and you haven't got any he's made his own. I am like you and can't think that far ahead so I get that but how would he be if you said we are doing x y z and took sandwiches.
Queueing for food does my head in we always take a picnic even in Winter. Costs add up. But you have enough money to pay for stuff too.
He orders the shopping but you buy extra I don't see a problem with that I forget so much on a delivery shop and still end up going. If he's an organised person that will annoy him.
He's watching his sport but still doing bits of housework. TV heating etc yes it sounds like it's his way or no way but you could watch what you want if he wants to go to bed.
Heating is hard but if he's really hot not sat shivering and stingy. Is he stressed or depressed or even happy?
How does he support you when you are poorly that is where my judgement lies.

Sounds like you have outgrown each other.

it sounds like growing incompatibility more than anything else. Your dc are teenagers so presumably don’t need to be supervised so if he’s doing A you can just go and do B. He’s not going out and leaving you to do childcare all weekend. But at the same time you can leave a relationship for any reason if you’re not happy. I guess it’s just timing.

I think you should aim to be more independent of him. The fact that you want to do things with him at weekends whether he is keen or not (mostly not it seems) ties you to considering what the plans are and what he is doing all the time.
Imagine you are just getting on with life on your own. Planning weekends with the DCs, going out in the evening, taking up a hobby.
Tell him when he asks what you are doing with the DCs, he can join you or not.
You appearing needy gives him too much power.
Can't help wondering if your health would improve without this grump about.

We’ve always been very different chalk and cheese

This is the crux isn't it, not sure if you keep thinking he will magically change, and neither will you. You sound controlling in your own way too, you both need to come to terms with the fact that the other isn't going to transform into the type of person the other wants them to be.

I have to say OP it sounds like you are very difficult to live with. From your DH's perspective he pays all bills and house things yet still does 50% of the housework. I'd expect to do much less than 50% if I paid for everything.

He's had to take over the shopping because you miss stuff off go over budget. You never organize anything so he has to. This poor man is paying all bills and seems to have the majority of the mental load.

The tightness with money is annoying but I can understand it. Do you think he would be more relaxed if you contributed to the family finances?

Ok so plan something this weekend. Tell him you don't want to go really early and you want to eat out. Pay for the food yourself.
See how that goes.

Now that you've pointed out his controlling behaviour, remind him every time he's controlling then you do what you want and find a compromise.
For example if you're all cold and youre wearing warm clothes, then he needs to let you switch the heating on for a while or put a fan heater on in the room you're in. He can go elsewhere.

It sounds to me like a compatibility issue with resentment from his perspective too.
You have access to plenty of money and you aren’t held to account regarding finances.
Your both working and split housework 50/50.
You don’t agree with some of his choices which will work both ways.
He is warm blooded whilst you like the heating on.
You are capable of making your own weekend plans with the dc.
He sounds like a planner whilst you are more relaxed. You are probably more laid back than him in every way.
You said he’s a good dad too.
He’s sounds financially careful. Are you a spender? Do you leave things for him to do In the house by default because of your laid back approach? You’ve said he says ‘things won’t get done….’
You aren’t in an abusive relationship and he will have his own perspective.
He might find you too laid back and frivolous with money. Maybe you don’t think of consequences with financial issues ie having the heating on for longer period when unnecessary?
There needs to be compromise. There’s no reason why you can’t make loose plans for a weekend dependent on weather and subject to change. Is this why he made his own plans this weekend? Seems like he is making a point.
He might feel like he is the responsible one in the relationship. I’ve been there and it’s not fun.
You need to consider his feelings too and that you aren’t perfect to live with.
You need to both air your resentments and handle certain things differently in future.
I wouldn’t listen to any advice putting you in the role of victim. I dont think this is the case.

I agree I don’t think he’s necessarily controlling, he just sounds very different to you.

A lot of your husbands traits I can identify with, I like to know what my plans are for the next weekend, if we go out for a long walk I find expensive coffee shops a waste of money (I’m not tight, I’ve just got better things to spend my money on), It would annoy me if my DH did the online shop and kept forgetting things so in that situation I’d rather just do it myself.

Ultimately if you want your marriage to work you need to sit down and both discuss where you can each compromise.

Also you said you see his making his own plans as selfish but he probably views your unwillingness to make any plans selfish.

I think you need to take some responsibility for why you are unhappy too.

You just aren’t very compatible any longer. Personally I’d stick it out if your kids are teens and then split up. You have outgrown each other and if these things annoy you when they previously didn’t, that is likely to get worse.

You said you could've done something yesterday but you didn't. Why not?
What did you end up doing?

About the tv thing. Dh often goes to bed earlier than me and I watch something I want then or any other time available. If he's watching sport, I'll watch something in a different room if that's what I feel like.

He does sound like he's uptight and moany but you could also come forward a bit more.

Just wanted to add that these incompatibilities must have been apparent years ago. People’s core behaviour doesn’t usually change. It can become more intense as people get older.

He sounds like a misery guts and you sound fundamentally mismatched. I can't believe he is happy either.

He doesn't sound controlling to me. He asked if you had plans for the weekend and you said no, so he made his own plans.
I would be very annoyed if my husband expected me to keep entire weekends free just on the off chance he fancied doing something with me.
You have your own money and admit he does the majority of the driving because you don't like driving certain routes (perhaps fairly you go somewhere he prefers as he has to drive there?)
You just have different personalities (you would drive me mad for example, I like to plan in advance!) neither of you seem right or wrong, just different.

Another one who doesn't see your husband as especially controlling, the two of you just sound incompatible.

It also seems like he can't do right for doing wrong in your eyes. You don't like it when he has plans or wants to know what yours are, but when given free choice to say what you might want to do, you complain that he's only agreeing because hasn't made plans yet. But if he already had plans in mind, I'm sure you'd complain about that too!

You have trouble sleeping so are up till all hours and presumably sleeping in, and you say you're often sick in bed... honestly, you don't sound the easiest to live with either, no wonder he's gotten used to getting on with his own life.

The best thing you can do is spend some money on some confidence boosting driving lessons. Once you feel confident at driving on the motorway you can take yourself and dc off where you like.
I have seen a massive change in a friend who did just this.

You need to stick up for yourself and the dc on the heating issue.

Imagine if this were the other way around and your DH posted on her…

My DE’s behaviour is making me miserable:

• If I ask her what plans we have at the weekend she will say she doesn’t want to make any until the day so we can’t plan for anything and I have to keep my weekend completely free to allow for this.
• She earns her own money and doesn’t contribute to the household bills, this all comes down to me so I don’t like to spend frivolously on lunch out, coffees etc but she complains about this.
• If she takes charge of the online shop she either spends unnecessarily or forgets key items so I have to go back out and get these things.
• If we go out for the day she doesn’t like to drive but then complains that I do all the driving so tend to choose where we go.
• In the house, she constantly wants the heating on again without contributing to the bills.

People would be on here saying ‘is she controlling’ and siding with your husband!

I think from his pov he probably sees himself as generous, organised, a do-er, fit & active, doing his share etc etc. I don't think he's as 'bad' as you and sone others above are making out though. That's irrelevant though, because you're incompatible and you don't like him any more. For me with my exhusband (I'm very happy I divorced) the day I realised I was happier when he wasn't here, and permanently, was a penny drop moment. Funnily enough though, I'd say our personalities are the other way around (I'm him! Hence why I don't think he's that bad 😂) and he drove me bonkers never doing or organising anything!

I don't think he's controlling necessarily you are just very different people. I am also someone who likes to do a lot on a weekend and see people I don't always have time to see during the week. If I lived with someone who couldn't plan ahead and who often is sick then I would just go ahead and plan my weekends for myself too. I wouldn't want to wait until Saturday morning to see how the other person is feeling and then decide if we are doing anything or not.

The tightness I would find very unattractive though but in other respects it sounds like he's a pretty normal person who pays his way, does housework, exercise, socialise...

This post comes across that he's fed up. He's making plans, doing housework, doing the shop because you won't?

He might be tight with money but that can't be a new thing? If you have plenty then you pay for treats.

It seems like you've fallen into a rut, he's fed up, you're fed up. You need to sit down and have a chat and a big shake up.

Why don't you try saying "next weekend I've planned XYZ for us?

It would drive me nuts if someone never made plans and when I made my own they'd complain I'd made my own plans. As for the expensive coffees etc. some people see that as a waste of money.

He doesn't sound bad, he likes being organised, works all week, shops, does housework and so wants to do his things at weekends. If you don't want to plan things that's down to you not him.

you sound like hard work tbh. Do you often do things badly so he has to pick up extra things? Can’t do the shopping as you overspend or miss things, can’t drive long distances, you are spontaneous but can’t just go out for a day without your husband.

You both live your lives at different paces but you are an adult make your plans for the day and he can decide if he is joining you or not.

The not driving would be a really annoying one for me, why do you hate it? Can you take extra lessons so that you get yourself a little more independence?

This all sounds familiar - 25 years, teens...
My DH is obsessed with DIY and house maintenance - full on projects not cleaning the loo.

I went away this weekend but just before I left, he picked an argument and got really angry so I've been thinking about it a lot.

We've got so much bloody history - much ignored, made the best of, moved on from. If we choose to dig for wrongs there's a lot of material.

I'm older, tired, not got the strength or need to multitask like I did when the kids were small. I'm more willing to throw money at something and settle in order to just achieve something.
This weekend with my mates we ate and drank out a lot - we don't see each other often, the novelty factor was high.
If I go out with DH (rare), he'll want to take food which means going to the shops I go to normally, picking up other stuff (multitasking) , dividing out what we want, repackaging, carrying it, finding a bench or eating in the car. Or even not eating at all, pushing through past meal times, getting grumpy.
The liberation of spontaneously escaping the weather because we'd spotted a lovely cafe, was just lovely, so easy.

I don't know what the answer is, may be we're just not supposed to be together this bloody long.
Maybe I've forgotten my manners, just too casual. Divorced friends in new relationships seem to have firm boundaries on what they do/don't do together.

More answers please!