Weekends like this one make me want to leave my marriage - sad!

[totallyfedup]

DH has controlled everything and made absolutely no effort to do anything with me. He has become so controlling, when I’ve confronted him he says it’s because if he doesn’t do it it will never get done! I’m just more laid-back than him.

So this weekend Friday night 9pm I said do you want to watch an episode of the box set we’ve been watching together “no it’s too late and I don’t want to watch all the episodes too close together” ok so we will just watch an episode when you want then. So he goes off to bed at 10 to 10 on a Friday night. I have difficulties with sleeping so I finally get to sleep at 1am but I was back up at 3am for a bit. 7am he’s up clattering about as he’s going to the gym, then he informs me off his day, he’s taking DS out, then watching the football, the Grand Prix, going for a run then he’s going out with his friend at night. He emptied the dishwasher and took in the online shop as well ( I’m not allowed to do the online shop as I miss things off and go over budget). whilst he was out in his run I went out and bought loads of nice things for me and the DCs to have a nice night in. He got back at 12 midnight I was still up. Today he was hungover which meant we couldn’t have went anywhere as a family, he watched more football and the actual Grand Prix race, did some ironing and made the dinner. So he is doing some housework things but as much as I am.

I said to him yesterday you are so controlling, you control what we eat, the temperature of the house (he hates it being warm he wears shorts and t-shirt all year round) if I put the heating on he’ll turn it off in 10 minutes and say he’s melting. Or open the front door. What we watch. Where we go. ( I hate driving large distances on the motorway so he usually drives). He’s also very tight with money. If we go out he will want to go very early in the morning so we are back 1-2ish so we don’t need to buy lunch out or he will take snacks. We are very comfortable money wise. I work and get to keep most of my wages so I’m not short of money or he keeps it from me but he’s just obsessed about his own money. If we go on holiday he would rather eat a pot noodle in the hotel room than go out for dinner (I kid you not). I will get annoyed and book dinner and pay for it.

So back to the weekend, I could have taken the DC out myself today I suppose or found my own entertainment. I think I’ll be doing that next weekend. I just can’t believe his selfishness. I actually really enjoy when he’s out the house and not complaining about something and I think that tells you something. The DCs and I had a lovely night, the house was toasty warm, I had scented candles on (he blows them out says they stink) I watched what I wanted and I had peace.

if I prefer it when he’s not here it’s telling me a lot isn’t it?

He sounds like an oxygen thief.

I think the OP sounds a bit spoilt,....

I don't like driving long distance on the motorway,..... Single women don't have the choice.

He pays for all household bills, he pays for all life maintenance and provides all necessities and OP s wages are her spending money, it's like a teenager living at home and not contributing to the costs of running the home.

He lives his life and schedules his chores in and around his personal activities....... I get how this can be annoying, it's like he is prioritising his hobbies and then fitting in his life chores at a time and sequence that's suits his schedule, but if this annoys you, work out why and do something about it.

I think the OP s laid back personality v husbands scheduling of leisure time is the issue, the Ops lack of organisation means she is always ambling around in the background, meaning husband can pop in and out at his choice. OP is the crutch that's always there floating around enabling husband to put all his hobbies first.

Financial meanness : if he has paid for flights, hotels, transfers, day trips, then he ll know how many €€€€ thousands any trip will cost, maybe this is why he has trouble justifying shelling out more money in restaurants. Maybe he doesn't enjoy eating out. As a single, separated parent, I can sometimes find eating out a colossal waste of money. However if this is important to you OP, then offer to pay, contribute to the parts that are important to you, and carry some of that load.

He doesn't sound too bad, I think it's just hard to endlessly compromise with people, in general.

If he was you OP, relaxed and ambling about, you would most likely have to carry a much heavier burden than you are now. I think you need to wake up a little to how precious you are about certain issues.

It sounds like he struggles to live in the moment. He is racing to get onto the next thing.

I was like this, then a very traumatic thing happened to me. It meant my only safe place was the moment. And I reset.

Mine stemmed from early childhood trauma (adopted at birth). I was a worrier.

His behaviour regarding the heating etc is not right. Wanting to get the most out of his weekend I can relate to (trauma reset that for me too).

He sounds like he has mild anxiety and the control, is him trying to stay on top of all his responsibilities and scheduled leisure. I think he has some annoying habits, but overall is not too bad.

OP :work on carving out your own leisure time, which is not dependent or connected or inter connected with hubby.

He doesn't sound abusive to me. Possibly a little controlling about things but you seem to admit yourself that you're a bit useless on these things.

Mostly, you just sound completely incompatible. You don't want to plan anything in advance, but you also don't want to do things without him. He likes to plan in advance and prefers to do things like get up and get out of the house and then be back for lunch. Neither of those are bad, but they don't lend themselves to a good partnership.

And neither of you seem in the slightest bit able to compromise. DH hates forward planning. And when he's "spontaneous" it's tedious and can take forever to get going. I like to have a plan roughly for what's happening. We compromise in that some things we pre plan and book but we also leave a lot of time free to be a bit more ad hoc. Incidentally, I've become MORE relaxed and laid back over the years as a result and DH has started to see the value of more planned activities and events.

Neither of you are in the wrong - you just are getting to the point of clearly not being on the same hymn sheet.

I've been married 27 years, second marriage- in my 1st marriage my H was very very laid back but also selfish- so he never asked what we were doing , always made his own plans and did zero housework either, - i ended up feeling very resentful

In my 2nd marriage- H doesn't want to do much without me- that is tedious too in a different way after a few years.

I don't like stingy men- but I wonder if things are tighter for him than he lets on if he's controlling about shopping, heating, the odd lunch out etc - a lot of men are quite proud about 'providing' and wouldn't want to let on they are struggling a bit- personally I think it a bit off that you don't put some in the pot for bills. Do you actually offer to buy lunches out or coffees , rather than moan about his habits? And if so has he refused? Theres a big difference between someone choosing in being tight and someone who is having to be tight.

I think the reason the op is getting a bit of a hard time, is a lot of us were the do-ers in our - now ended of course - relationships, and can see this absolutely from his side.

You've grown apart op. The traits you found attractive in each other at the beginning have become the things you hate about each other now. And I think I can say with certainty, that he is as unhappy with this relationship as you are. I think you'd both be happier when you move on.

I think he sounds alright, works , gets paid well, paid all family bills so you have your money predominantly for yourself and you've said plenty of it, 50/50 on household chores. Has to do all the driving if you go anywhere. Goes to bed at ten so he can be up and active at the weekend including taking your DS out. Does most of the cooking and the food shopping because you can't manage a list or a budget. You've also said you have an illness that keeps you bed ridden at times, so he will be pulling all of the weight then. I'd be surprised if someone with that much on their plate wasn't an organiser and even an over planner.

You go to bed at 1am or later, don't make any plans, moan at him when he does and begrudge him a night out with his friends. You then spend the next day not doing anything or going anywhere because you don't seem to be able to without him and that's seen as his fault.

I could live with someone like him, even if he is annoying about the thermostat, I couldn't live with someone like you.

Sounds anxiety based to me. The constant checking of his bank specifically stands out. I constantly check my bank out of anxiety, it's not that I don't have money, I have money, I can't really explain it. I can also come across as controlling, but it's anxiety based for me, and I am fully aware of how my behaviour may come across, and I do try my hardest to relax but it's hard when you're trying to fight against anxiety. Do you think he could be anxious? Has he ever suffered from depression and / or anxiety?

And you are saying you’d be happy to live like this? Where everything you do is dictating by what he wants - the Tv you watch, where you go, what you do etc… - just because he is doing 50/50 of the HW and earns a lot if money?

Thats an interesting take.

He lives his life and schedules his chores in and around his personal activities....... I get how this can be annoying, it's like he is prioritising his hobbies and then fitting in his life chores at a time and sequence that's suits his schedule, but if this annoys you, work out why and do something about it.

Personally I call that being selfish and have no interest in being a family.
A ‘Indo whatever i want And you can slot into that if you want but I’m not going to do the same for you’.
Ofc, the OP can do whatever she wants Wo him. But that’s not conducive to being a team and a happy marriage if you never spend time together but in his terms.

@MrzBennet what does this mean? ‘the final straw was the 14 year old asking if daddy knows I bought a large mirror for the hall.
it stopped there and then.’

From his side @LeRougeEtLeNoir - he wouldn't see it as dictating/controlling. It's planning/organising. He asked the op on the Monday what she wanted to do that weekend. She said she didn't want to think about it yet, let's decide on the weekend. If op is like the 'laid back' people I know, that means do nothing. He wanted to do something, so he planned it and did it. Still did his chores, stuff for the kids required. There isn't anything wrong with that. They are just, now, incompatible.

Sorry to bluntly ask you a personal question, but how do you think your sex life is?

I think a couple can work if they’re incompatible, if they’re happy to have individual pursuits and social lives. But I think it hinges on feeling connected by some intimacy. Once that’s out the window then you’re just housemates co-parenting together.

It just sounds like you don’t have much in common.
Maybe you’ve just grown apart ?
At least he does chores, takes DC out and pays all the bills, so you get to keep your own money.
Why don’t you just do your own thing more?

Alternative is to divorce.

I was thinking the same thing. He sounds like a pretty bog standard bloke, with all the idiosyncrasies, faults and flaws that go along with that.

I guess the question the OP needs to ask herself is, is the overall person one that I can live alongside and get along with or does her DH's need to have everything planned out in advance (I'm the same, so I understand where he's coming from, I feel very anxious if I don't know every detail about everything in advance) impact her life and happiness sufficiently badly to warrant ending a relationship of 25 years standing?

But the op wants to stay up till 1am watching the t.v, he doesn't stop her doing that. She doesn't want to do any of the driving and ve chauffeured about?

There'd also be the Disney parenting accusations. Not financially contributing to the running of the household but doing all the fun stuff.

Also, I've never met a single teenager who wants to do anything with their parents, unless it's getting a lift somewhere else, or something crazy expensive that they can't afford. So, the concept of 'we can't do anything as a family' isn't really valid. (Unless you have a rare teenager who does).

You told him on the Monday you didn't want to plan anything. So he planned something solo/with his friends (whilst making sure he did his half of chores/child stuff). He was absolutely right to imo.

You cant simultaneously expect someone to do all the planning, and then also get cross with them when they do.

@DidiAskYouThough oh sorry it was my son asking does daddy know about me buying a mirror I suddenly realised that my son clearly felt that I needed dads permission to buy something and I thought nope not having that so we had to start speaking openly about how I felt I was being controlled - he thought he was working hard and not-
I did have to listen to him telling me a few home truths but despite the exhaustion of talking about our problems things r getting better slowly - still hard

so maybe for the OP marriage counselling / or joint communication counselling / to unpick how she feels and also how he feels

I'm over invested in this thread...another thing...

I've never heard of someone who does the food shop (and pays for it) because the other person (who though working, doesn't spend her own money on it) is incapable of sticking to budget, and the cooking, as 'controlling the food'.

And a final question to the op...what would your perfect weekend have looked like last weekend? It seems like it would have started with a lie in after your horrible nights sleep (which isn't actually your husbands fault) - he is also allowed to go to bed when he wants (I refer to the 'ten to ten on a Friday night' criticism), to suggest he isn't would be you being controlling. Should he have lied with you in bed, rather than getting some exercise, sorting out the dc and some chores?

I think it is rubbish that you are “not allowed” to do the online shop. He sounds mega tight.

Whys he 'mega.tight' when op is the one who contributes minimally to the household financially and says she spends as she likes? What's his is everyone's and what's hers is hers?

Also, if he is able to wear shorts and t-shirts all year round, the house is probably an oven. And bloody expensive to heat. Maybe those who are colder (OP) should put more layers on.
And I agree with him about scented candles. They reek and give me a banging headache.

Maybe he eats pot noodles or doesn't book a table because he has learned it is the only way to get OP to actually plan and book something, as well as pay for something for him?

I don't understand why you have to plan going out with him, your kids are teenagers and I imagine do their own thing. He sounds like he has his own interests, do you have none of your own? you seem a bit reliant on him