Weekends like this one make me want to leave my marriage - sad!

[totallyfedup]

DH has controlled everything and made absolutely no effort to do anything with me. He has become so controlling, when I’ve confronted him he says it’s because if he doesn’t do it it will never get done! I’m just more laid-back than him.

So this weekend Friday night 9pm I said do you want to watch an episode of the box set we’ve been watching together “no it’s too late and I don’t want to watch all the episodes too close together” ok so we will just watch an episode when you want then. So he goes off to bed at 10 to 10 on a Friday night. I have difficulties with sleeping so I finally get to sleep at 1am but I was back up at 3am for a bit. 7am he’s up clattering about as he’s going to the gym, then he informs me off his day, he’s taking DS out, then watching the football, the Grand Prix, going for a run then he’s going out with his friend at night. He emptied the dishwasher and took in the online shop as well ( I’m not allowed to do the online shop as I miss things off and go over budget). whilst he was out in his run I went out and bought loads of nice things for me and the DCs to have a nice night in. He got back at 12 midnight I was still up. Today he was hungover which meant we couldn’t have went anywhere as a family, he watched more football and the actual Grand Prix race, did some ironing and made the dinner. So he is doing some housework things but as much as I am.

I said to him yesterday you are so controlling, you control what we eat, the temperature of the house (he hates it being warm he wears shorts and t-shirt all year round) if I put the heating on he’ll turn it off in 10 minutes and say he’s melting. Or open the front door. What we watch. Where we go. ( I hate driving large distances on the motorway so he usually drives). He’s also very tight with money. If we go out he will want to go very early in the morning so we are back 1-2ish so we don’t need to buy lunch out or he will take snacks. We are very comfortable money wise. I work and get to keep most of my wages so I’m not short of money or he keeps it from me but he’s just obsessed about his own money. If we go on holiday he would rather eat a pot noodle in the hotel room than go out for dinner (I kid you not). I will get annoyed and book dinner and pay for it.

So back to the weekend, I could have taken the DC out myself today I suppose or found my own entertainment. I think I’ll be doing that next weekend. I just can’t believe his selfishness. I actually really enjoy when he’s out the house and not complaining about something and I think that tells you something. The DCs and I had a lovely night, the house was toasty warm, I had scented candles on (he blows them out says they stink) I watched what I wanted and I had peace.

if I prefer it when he’s not here it’s telling me a lot isn’t it?

I'm wondering why you don't share the bills OP.
That way he would nt have to worry about money so much.
The heating maybe a cost thing or maybe it makes him irritable as it does me.

Why do people use 'I'm laid back' as some universally appealing trait? It isn't appealing to everyone as it tends to mean you leave all the planning to other people.

It's funny how often a couple so often consists of one doer plus a follower. At first it works, the planner does stuff they like, and the follower is very happy they do stuff without having the bother of organising. Very happy for years, a golden couple, opposites attract. And then, resentment sets in on both sides. One party has turned in to controlling. And the other one has turned in to lazy and thoughtless.

The point about a box set at 9pm and going to bed is nit picking.

I don't think he sounds that bad as a husband and father but you don't sound like partners or even friends. Just two people living their separate lives in the same house.

He sounds like a more dynamic and organised version of my dad, right down to the Pot Noodles and rushed outings. I couldn't live with my dad so YANBU. I think I'd probably leave in your situation, although I might also live to regret it, because it sounds like a practical and functional relationship even if it's pretty joyless.

OP l would say stop being a passenger in your marriage. If he's busy all weekend do something nice yourself with the D.C. lf he goes to bed early and you're not tired so what? Stay up and chill and watch something you enjoy. You and he are not joined at the hip!
You say you have plenty of disposable money, so that's not an issue, and he does equal shares of the housework so again no problem there. Other things seem to be more of an incompatibility problem where you have just grown apart over the years.

When you go out for the day and he wants to rush home so as not to pay for lunch, do you offer to buy lunch? We have combined finances but I would think if I was going out for the day somewhere planned by me, I would be footing the bill for the whole day including lunch. You have an unusual set up and seem incompatible but he doesn't sound controlling.

Maybe if you contributed to the bills he wouldn't feel so loathe to be popping the heating on? Or going out for meals? You say money isn't an issue, is it an issue for him? Everything has gone up in the past year or so bills wise, why not offer to pool more money together and then perhaps there wouldn't be such an issue. You'd also drive me wild with not wanting to plan but resenting me doing so, going to bed when you want but then moaning about me getting up when I want, not wanting to drive long distnaces but then making me do so for stuff i probably dont want to do, doing a crap job of food shopping so slipping more mental load to me and then moaning etc. Gah. Take some responsibility also, he isn't perfect but neither are you.

I'm reviving this username just for you @totallyfedup …!

I think you're getting a rough ride. I would agree there are fundamental differences and you both need to talk and work on these if you want to stay together and try to be happy.

People telling you to be more independent....well, you don't sound especially clingy. It's one thing having some independence but if it goes too far then what's the point in the relationship? Wanting family time seems reasonable. He sounds quite passive aggressive to me. I think he sounds pissed off with you.

People who said he pays for more stuff AND does half the housework. That's a crazy attitude. She works. She just earns less. It doesn't mean she should be doing more housework. It's all family money, isn't it?

I think he does sound controlling. Like you're a naughty child who is incapable of ordering shopping or using the heating controller sensibly.

What was his upbringing like? And yours?

I think you need a proper talk and possibly couples counselling. Otherwise, this doesn't sound like a good life for any of you.

None of it sounds like a big deal at all, just very tedious and petty.
If you want to divorce him have you thought about how you'd afford to house yourself, pay all bills alone, drive teenagers about, if you'd need to increase your working hours, etc.?

I keep re reading your OP and can’t believe how much similarity there is. We reached crisis this year- won’t bore you - but something in me snapped after 18 years of marriage and 4 kids.

I vowed I would never allow a man or anyone to dictate my happiness which meant dh and I sat down and agreed some home rules.

I confronted his controlling nature which he denied -
him: I work so hard to provide for you and the kids and you want for nothing

me: yes but that doesn’t mean you get to suck out all happiness out of the home for me and the kids.

him: blank stare - no I don’t -
blah blah -
me: No listen to me and hear me or we have no future together.
you’re an amazing dad but a shit husband since lockdown and in turn it is affecting us all.
him: denial blank stare. So I wrote it all down and emailed him since he can’t process anything I say to his face
I still now email him so when he’s at work it gives him time in a safe space away from me to read what I have said - 🙄

at the weekend now instead of him getting up at the crack of dawn planning family trips etc and cleaning - we write a list to include

• chores
• down time- bath/ movie / box set eyc

he moaned I wouldn’t watch tv with him- I was like I don’t want to watch re fucking runs of James Bond

its taken 6 months of talking every day:and I mean every single day
1- how are we both doing
2- you upset me
3 - I would like to speak to you
4— this is the plan for the next month

i have adhd and bipolar 🥹😱 he’s been ref to neuro team for OCD and ASD - even down to the position of the bread bin sent his stress levels through the roof.

the final straw was me buying a tripple slow cooker - he walked out the house because it took too much space on the kitchen work top. - 🙄 when he went for a walk I suddenly went - oh my I am so much happier he’s not here

his cleaning is unreal/ clothes organising/ planning to the point of manicness but he works long hours and I am a carer for our younger disabled ds-
so I get it

now if he’s getting itchy to complain about stuff I remind him- do you need to go for a walk.
I need some space from you.
i know I must be just as difficult but now we both treat our marriage like a business I told him

we’re in it for the long haul.
you’re controlling nature has no place in our partnership.
I love you but I don’t need you despite his money from his income- he cannot continue to micro manage every single bloody thing.

what I bring is 50:50 and you do even if it’s different the family value is equal.

now weekend we plan- but on my terms-
he needs to have a set list.
I have a vague idea of what I would like to achieve and we meet half way.
Saturday
1- coffee while dd is at ballet
2- he might clean the bathrooms
3/ I’ll do lunch or the other way round
4 / or he’ll take them out to the park/ lunch so I can have a rest
5: I hoover he’ll clothes sort etc
this is if we’re not at some NT house or museum trip
me snd the kids movie afternoon - him to go to the gym/ swim etc for a few hrs -
he takes older DD for a bike ride rtc or a walk.

it sounds prescriptive and weird but even spontaneity has to be planned.

BUT he has got to be willing to see his part in this situation and we’re still working it out

is any of this making sense 🙉

Sorry I should have said these r some of the things I / we had to start doing they’re ideas but May be of no use to you.

but I know it must be better as I don’t dread him walking though the door and even the kids r like - thank god daddy is so much happier -

the final straw was the 14 year old asking if daddy knows I bought a large mirror for the hall.
it stopped there and then.

I hope my long ramble is of any use even if it’s a you’re amazing and you’ve got this

@totallyfedup what would you like to happen?

Why don't you buy your food treats out of your own money?

What would happen if you offered to treat him to lunch?

I am going to agree with a few posters and say that I don’t think your DH sounds controlling. He’s just a planner and likes to have things organised and get things done at the weekend. When he sees you dithering it gets his back up so he just does what he wants.
I’m like your DH. I like a plan or I get a bit stressed. My DH’s family are completely different to me and do things when they’re ready (and rarely gets things done) whereas I like to know times, dates etc.
I just think you’re incompatible

OP ! He's not your partner in life, not at all - he is anything but that. He's your dad, your keeper, your boss.
The one thing he cannot do is leave himself because he is stuck there wheras you can if you so wish.. that's if he gives you permission obviously

Sometimes people get more anxious and controlling with age. I think I am one of these people. Therefore I don’t think he sounds too bad! But maybe try and plot some independence from eachother more so you can enjoy your time together better.

So his wages are the family wages and your money is yours for nice spends?
Re the driving, does he 'not let you drive long distances' or do you expect him to do all the driving where you want to go?

People who said he pays for more stuff AND does half the housework. That's a crazy attitude. She works. She just earns less. It doesn't mean she should be doing more housework. It's all family money, isn't it?

Is it though? Sounds like OP keeps their wage and then he pays the bills. If they have an equal amount to spend freely on what they want then that's cool, but OP doesn't say if that's the case or not.

Is there any chance he’d do couple counselling? Not necessarily with a view to keeping the marriage going - you may not want that - but to help you understand each other a bit better so that if it falls apart it’s not as acrimonious

Sounds as though you are both quite set in your ways, with opposing views on how you want to live, and no wish to compromise on either side. I don't think anyone is wrong here, you are just incompatible. And yes, maybe you would be happier if you did not live together; if you are able to deal with the financial implications.

Is there any chance he’d do couple counselling? Not necessarily with a view to keeping the marriage going - you may not want that - but to help you understand each other a bit better so that if it falls apart it’s not as acrimonious

I agree with this. It would be helpful to you both to understand where you are both coming from in order to understand how to move forward. With or without each other, only you two can decide.

Your incompatibility is what is driving you mad, not either of you being a bad person.

I can see similarities with me and my DH here. He does the online food shopping and guaranteed if I do it I won't 'do it right' and will miss things then I won't hear the end of it. My DH is also like yours on day trips- have to get there at opening, if it's a theme park, we have to do his way and quickly rushing to all the rides to minimise waiting times. I just don't go with him and the kids on those days out anymore!! I'm more like you, like to just see where the day takes me.

I feel for you- I think like others have said it sounds like an incompatibility that is causing you more resentment as you get older. I'm feeling the same way....sorry I don't know the answer but I know I'd tell myself this too, if you're not happy, don't waste your life staying. But it's never that simple. I also have pre-teens/teens and don't want to turn their lives upside down by leaving.

It's so hard. Sending hugs!

6 of one, half a dozen the other. E.g. he was tired and went to bed. You were up and down half the night, probably clattering about. He was up at 7, perfectly normal time to get up. You want to lie in because you were up half the night. Both reasonable approaches to that particular night, but not particularly compatible.

What do you actually want here? Maybe you can agree that one weekend he gets to plan ahead and you do everything his way. The next, he leaves it to you and accepts that nothing might happen.

He shops because you can't manage to order everything and blow the budget. You also went out and bought a load extra anyway, so probably blew the budget there. Again, it sounds like he is just more organised. I would find your way really frustrating to live with.

"I’m not allowed to"
There. There's your whole problem. You accept him having the right to decide what you can and cannot do as though you were a child.

Get out.