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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he break no contact with her?

130 replies

AnotherNameChange8 · 25/11/2023 13:01

Been with my partner for 4 years.
Relationship isn't all that great he's always cheated etc.
Except this time he would have what I'd class as an affair.
He met someone through his work and was seeing her daily.
Telling her he loved her, they had made plans to have a baby together in time, sleep unprotected etc. and run away together with her kids.
I know I shouldn't blame her as she didn't know anything about me.

But I hate her. And I can't hate him Sad

It was going on for 6 months. I've had to listen to voice recordings of them having sex, seeing all their loving messagaes to one another and it just breaks me.

I made him change his job route so he doesn't see her anymore and made him change his number and email address as they'd even email each other. But I just feel like he will go back to her at some point as they was both heavily invested in to it.

He met her kids and family and the only reason he's gone no contact now and cut her off is because I found out.

She's now moved close to his new route and is bound to bump into him again at some point.
We are getting on ok and working through things we're engaged etc but I can't help but feel he will end up doing it again with her.

Just need to ask has anyone else experienced this? And they've gone back to the other woman. Even if it was just emotional or talking?

OP posts:
DoubleTime · 26/11/2023 12:30

He cheats, perpetrates DV and when a woman dumps him, he stalks them. Do you think it's a good idea for this man to be around your children (you said you take them on breaks) ?

You said you have listened to recordings of him with this other woman - how did you get a hold of these ? And why did you 'have' to listen to them?

The way you feel about this man isn't healthy OP, and it sounds like you need help to break the cycle of abusive relationships. Its very hard to do so, without help.

GreyCarpet · 26/11/2023 15:55

The worst thing about thread like this is that I understand how women can find themselves in an abusive relationship, and I understand that that can increase the likelihood of ending up in further abusive relationships.

But by the time your children have been removed from your care, that should he the wake up call you need. At that point, you've had it validated to you that you are not making good choices. And at that point the focus should be on addressing those issues

I used to work in child protection and my profession now brings me into contact with families like the OPs.

I've heard stories like this a hundred times over and then some. The OP will have been offered support and guidance for a long time before her children were removed from her care within a child protection plan (I've never seen a case where that wasn't the case). The police have already been involved with her current relationship. She has called them herself.

At some point, people need to take some personal responsibility. It's a shame the OP has chosen this life for herself. For her and her children. But she has and nothing anyone says here will change that.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 26/11/2023 16:40

You need to learn how to love and value yourself. You really do and even if that takes years and years of therapy it will be so worth it. You will feel a strength and sense of self worth that you never have before.

You have lived a life with a pattern of repeated abuse and don't value yourself enough to think you are worth more but you really are.

Please get the counselling and therapy that you need snd stick with it no matter what. It will be worth it long term.

Chicaontour · 26/11/2023 17:55

Not sure if this is a fair question but here goes. Which would you rather have custody of your children or have him back? It could never ever be a possibility of.it happening while you are in a shit show of a relationship.with him.

Original poster
AnotherNameChange8 · 28/11/2023 14:29

The children are more a less grown up now and wouldn't want to come home. They are settled where they are I see them 4 times a week. Sometimes they stay sometimes they don't.

OP posts:
SoRainbowRhythms · 28/11/2023 14:44

Oh ok, crack on then 🙄

DidiAskYouThough · 28/11/2023 14:55

Brutally traumatised kids should be the sole focus of any parent.
OPs posts are so shocking I’m lost for words, not at all the wittering on about the shit boyfriend, but the repeated horrific choices.

OP have you at least paid for/sorted extensive therapy for your kids?

Uricon2 · 28/11/2023 14:58

OP, you lost your kids because of a previous abusive relationship. You're in another one now. If you want to continue in this shitshow, that's up to you, but it would be utterly wrong to inflict it on another child. Having said which, I imagine you'll be pretty firmly on social services radar if you do have a baby with him, given the history and the arrests for DV. I really hope you are.

Original poster
AnotherNameChange8 · 28/11/2023 17:27

There not traumatised there happy teens. We have an incredible bond. My love life isn't there concern.

OP posts:
DidiAskYouThough · 28/11/2023 17:29

They’ve been the victims of domestic violence and were removed from their mother. Obviously this is appallingly traumatic, and obviously being exposed to your current abusive boyfriend is dreadful. Anyway, I’m out, this thread is distressingly awful.

MorningHood · 28/11/2023 17:42

OP, if you’re not willing to listen to advice and leave, then you need to accept you are with a controlling, cheating arsehole who will leave you at some point - as soon as he finds another mug who will put up with his ways.

People like that don’t change - it doesn’t matter how much you try and control him, or hope that a few good days means everything is ok. It won’t be ok - it will never be ok with this man.

You need to get proper help for yourself, so you can learn about boundaries and start building some self esteem and self worth - no man will ever be able to give you that.

The OW is irrelevant - there will be another one and another and another..

SoRainbowRhythms · 28/11/2023 18:00

Got taken away from their mum but no trauma. Chinny reckon.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 28/11/2023 18:22

AnotherNameChange8 · 28/11/2023 14:29

The children are more a less grown up now and wouldn't want to come home. They are settled where they are I see them 4 times a week. Sometimes they stay sometimes they don't.

Wow. You sound so devastated.

Uricon2 · 28/11/2023 18:34

Give it a few years and your children being adults, I doubt the "incredible bond" you describe will be quite the same if you are still with the pointless, cheating, violent wastrel that you "love" and who clearly has no love or respect for you.

Adulthood makes people more acutely aware of the strengths and weaknesses of their parents and how they impacted on their childhood. Not "their concern"? They may well see things differently.

Opentooffers · 28/11/2023 18:45

Stick with him then and he can carry on seeing her and others. You know plenty already, there's not much else for her to say, you will keep with him whatever, you've proved that, as he's as bad as it gets, and you still want him.
You might do the OW a favour if it puts her off him. Hopefully the good that could come out of this is that her DC's get protected from him. Let's hope she sticks by her words and doesn't want to share him like you don't seem to mind doing. I hope she puts her DC's ahead of him rather than chose your path in life which is tragic, sad, and very wrong.
The only hope for you is therapy to work out why you are so desperate for any shit man.

INeedFriends · 28/11/2023 18:51

Op I feel you have some very deep self esteem issues. Your immature bf is cheating on you time and time again , you keep saying he “comes back to me” that’s only because the OW doesn’t want him as she knows he’s a cheating arse! He literally lived a double life with this one. Know your worth, get out this shabolic relationship and focus on your poor children.

vernatheraven · 28/11/2023 19:38

So your at home taking care of the everyday and he's out chasing sex?

Get rid op.

He's giving the best of himself to other people and your at home taking care of him and his probably skiddy undies.

Get rid. He brings nothing to you.

Nicaced10 · 28/11/2023 19:44

You poor thing ! But he doesn’t love he doesn’t respect you. Only together 4 years and he’s done all this. What are you doing ? I don’t get it at all. He can’t be any clearer he doesn’t want you unfortunately.

Please end it and have respect for yourself, in time you’ll meet someone who won’t treat you this way.

But you’ve made a grown man change his job, email, number so he won’t cheat on you 🤦‍♀️ please don’t do this to yourself. And he’ll never respect you when you’re allowing all this.

Nicaced10 · 28/11/2023 19:49

I’ve just read you’ve also lost your poor poor children over a different man.

In all honesty why come here and ask for opinions?

Personally I’d be more concerned with getting my god damm children back, than chasing a man doesn’t want to be with you !

So after reading more you’re the issue and you bring it all on yourself.

Best advice close you legs, get this man out, pull yourself together and focus your children !!!!!!!!!

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 28/11/2023 19:54

I suspect you stay for the same reason many people do ... you do not love yourself.

You are clinging on to him "choosing you" but ignoring that he also chose her and brought her into your relationship. His reasons for staying could be because his feelings for you are stronger or because its easier to stay only he knows.

What is he doing to be a better person? Telling you he loves you etc doesnt change the behaviour that led to him having an affair. If he isn't working on his own issues and growing he will never change.

You cannot change him or force him to be the person you want him to be. This is your time to grow as a person. Work on healing you and loving you and when you are in a place that you don't need a relationship and you know you can walk away and be fine then you will be in a place to make a decision whether you want him or not.If you cling to each other your sticking a plaster over a huge crack

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/11/2023 19:55

You should stay with him and cling on and hope he doesn't leave you

DoubleTime · 29/11/2023 06:01

But your love life is there concern OP when its like this, because they care about you. Its also their concern if they are staying at yours and a DV situation kicks off.

Lili132 · 29/11/2023 14:38

AnotherNameChange8 · 28/11/2023 17:27

There not traumatised there happy teens. We have an incredible bond. My love life isn't there concern.

I'm sorry but you really have no authority to say that. You don't seem to know what's what and have a history of bad choices and being unable to see things clearly. Of course your children have been traumatised and your focus should be on them and on helping yourself through therapy.
Anyone can end up in abusive relationship so I'm not judging you for that at all but we are all responsible for our own healing and for learning our lessons in life. Do you want to be a lost case forever or do you actually want to change your life?

You keep focusing on him "choosing you" whatever that means but you fail to see he's not worth choosing. He's an abusive, violent, selfish cheater who doesn't love anyone. You didn't win the prize here. "Loving him" should give you even more of the reason to leave as it means you'll be more likely to be manipulated and damaged by him. Your self-esteem is on the floor at the moment and you seem to suffer with very poor mental health and your priority should be therapy and getting your life on track not getting pregnant with a nightmare of a man which will make you 100 times more vulnerable and him 100 times worse.

Relationships are not about "being chosen" and getting leftovers from someone's table. They are about respect, honesty, reliability and active acts of love. This is not going to happen with that damaged man no matter how many times you lie to yourself and try to make it work. Life just doesn't work that way.

cartetatin · 29/11/2023 21:58

GreyCarpet · 26/11/2023 15:55

The worst thing about thread like this is that I understand how women can find themselves in an abusive relationship, and I understand that that can increase the likelihood of ending up in further abusive relationships.

But by the time your children have been removed from your care, that should he the wake up call you need. At that point, you've had it validated to you that you are not making good choices. And at that point the focus should be on addressing those issues

I used to work in child protection and my profession now brings me into contact with families like the OPs.

I've heard stories like this a hundred times over and then some. The OP will have been offered support and guidance for a long time before her children were removed from her care within a child protection plan (I've never seen a case where that wasn't the case). The police have already been involved with her current relationship. She has called them herself.

At some point, people need to take some personal responsibility. It's a shame the OP has chosen this life for herself. For her and her children. But she has and nothing anyone says here will change that.

⬆️ this.

You don't deserve the privilege of being a mother. You are actively choosing a succession of violent scumbags over them. Then come on here wanting advice on how to "win" him over the OW? You are an absolute disgrace. You deserve each other. I hope your kids have a better role model/guardian in their lives looking after them.

Sickening thread.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/11/2023 22:01

Get rid. The end. Really sorry 💐