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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he break no contact with her?

130 replies

AnotherNameChange8 · 25/11/2023 13:01

Been with my partner for 4 years.
Relationship isn't all that great he's always cheated etc.
Except this time he would have what I'd class as an affair.
He met someone through his work and was seeing her daily.
Telling her he loved her, they had made plans to have a baby together in time, sleep unprotected etc. and run away together with her kids.
I know I shouldn't blame her as she didn't know anything about me.

But I hate her. And I can't hate him Sad

It was going on for 6 months. I've had to listen to voice recordings of them having sex, seeing all their loving messagaes to one another and it just breaks me.

I made him change his job route so he doesn't see her anymore and made him change his number and email address as they'd even email each other. But I just feel like he will go back to her at some point as they was both heavily invested in to it.

He met her kids and family and the only reason he's gone no contact now and cut her off is because I found out.

She's now moved close to his new route and is bound to bump into him again at some point.
We are getting on ok and working through things we're engaged etc but I can't help but feel he will end up doing it again with her.

Just need to ask has anyone else experienced this? And they've gone back to the other woman. Even if it was just emotional or talking?

OP posts:
Imreallytiredandanxioustoday · 25/11/2023 17:10

Dear lord. Get rid of this loser. You deserve better than this.
He hasn't picked you. He'll keep cheating in you. How can you bear to look at him after this. Be kind to yourself

SausageAndEggSandwich · 25/11/2023 17:16

Your poor children.

Seeing you pick a man over your own well-being and safety. Not just once but twice.

This relationship is abusive too.

You should break up with him and do some serious work on yourself. Stop looking to a man to prop up your rock bottom self esteem. You are enough on your own. Start prioritising yourself instead of this absolute joke of a "relationship"

He's taking you for a mug and you're letting him. Please stop.

Usernamechange1234 · 25/11/2023 17:34

Not sure anyone here can make you see sense. You’ve just picked another loser. This isn’t about the OW it’s about him and his absolute selfishness and entitlement. He is so unsafe for you, he is putting you in harms way mentally, emotionally and sexually. You’re choosing to stay unsafe pleading that you love him, you do not, you have a trauma bond.

Your responses though show you’re absolutely not prepared to listen.

You’ve swapped one abusive partner for another and the sad truth is, you know that, you just can’t be a good enough friend to yourself to get out.

Usernamechange1234 · 25/11/2023 17:34

And absolutely, your POOR children!!!

WhichIsItWendy · 25/11/2023 17:34

Your decision making is really poor OP. You definitely aren't prioritising the right things in relationships.

I don't have any advice, mainly because I know you're not ready to accept it.

This is YOUR life. You get one. If you choose to spend it with low-lifes who treat you badly, that's up to you.

If you ever want to break the cycle and find healthy, respectful relationships, I'd highly recommend asking your doctor to refer you to counselling.

Kinneddar · 25/11/2023 17:43

I know what your saying is true. I've also had him arrested for DV numerous times but he's more mentally and controlling abusiv

Wow the more you talk about him the more of a catch he seems.

What exactly do you see in this prince of a man. Quite honestly the OW would have done you a favour taking him off your hands.

Ffsnotaconference · 25/11/2023 18:06

So he has stayed with you because she made it clear she wasn’t moving him in, in the immediate future.

so he had to stay with you because he had nowhere to go. He couldn’t stay with her. If he chose her he couldn’t stay living with you.

You are roof over his head that’s convenient to use a base while he meets other women. You accept he is monogamous and accept the open relationship. It’s win win for him

tsmainsqueeze · 25/11/2023 18:10

You must be mad to put up with this, get some self respect.

GreyCarpet · 25/11/2023 18:24

Jesus, OP. Your life is a the very definition of a chaotic train wreck.i know that sounds harsh and I'm not going to apologise for it. You need to realise that this is not a life you should be choosing for yourself or one you should have subjected your children to.

Why are they not your focus? Why are you repeatedly getting pregnant with this man?

You are doing this to yourself. Someone can only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. That means thinking, "Fuck you, arsehole!" and dumping him.

He will continue to treat you like this for as long as you allow him to.

northernlight20 · 25/11/2023 18:30

Dear Lord, hope this is a joke and you're trolling!

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/11/2023 18:33

You love him?
No, you love what you want him to be....not what he actually is.

drowningfrowning · 25/11/2023 18:33

Honey you've said it's not great. He has cheated numerous times. This time it's extra bad. WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?
Is this some issue where you feel worthless unless he picks you? Why do you hold him in such high regard? Stop and look at yourself. Look at him. Look at the situation.

drowningfrowning · 25/11/2023 18:36

AnotherNameChange8 · 25/11/2023 13:16

But how can he love her when he's chose me. I told him it's me or her and he picked me. But in messages before when she said to him why have you been distant lately. He said he's in a shit situation and wished he met her 4 years ago ( that would of been before I came along) and it's hard but he thinks of her every minute of the day. Then they must of been okay but If he loved her so much why has he not contacted her then? And is trying to please me constantly.

Because he doesn't love any of you. He doesn't have the capacity to love. If he settles with someone it won't because she's so great. It will be because he finds someone who will accept his shit behaviour. Don't be that person.

DoubleTime · 25/11/2023 18:41

He didn't choose you though OP. That message you saw confirmed that he was planning to stay with you and see her, promising to leave to be with her in a few months but she said no. I'll bet she has no idea that you have had to report him for DV, or she wouldn't have let him around her kids. She has done the right thing, and you should do the same.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 25/11/2023 18:45

Absolutely not one thing you've said paints him as anything other than a total fuckwit. Throw him out FGS!

Moonshine5 · 25/11/2023 18:47

OP, you need to stop.

Idontknow010101 · 25/11/2023 19:01

Op, he didn't choose you. He chose her and she said no. So he's being all nice to you, as his second option. While he lines up his next victims.

I'm so sorry to say it like that but it's true.

I imagine you have significant childhood trauma for you to put up with this (and to have put up with abusive relationships in the past) for the sake of your children if you cant do it for yourself - show them you can break the cycle. Teach any sons you have that women deserve emotional safety and security in relationships. Teach any daughters that this is what they should expect. As parent you are their role model

WeekWeekWeek · 25/11/2023 19:15

I know I’ll get guff for this and the “be kind” and “if you have nothing nice to say…” bridge will be out in force, but is anyone sick of women like this who put men ahead of their children?

Anyone can be the victim of domestic violence, no doubt about it, but to constantly choose awful men over your children, and waste police resources by having him arrested and then taking him back is just ridiculous.

There’s no hope for women like the OP. Give all the advice you want, but she won’t get away from this cycle because, deep down, it benefits her in some way.
She’ll be along to tell us that there’s something in her background that gives her a fucked-up attitude to men and relationships, but she doesn’t give a shit that what’s happening will be the fucked-up things in her children’s lives that mean they repeat history.

Dj2020 · 25/11/2023 19:33

OP, you need to come to the realisation that he is a cheating scumbag and that he will definitely not ever change. You can't control another person and if you don't like his behaviour then you need to end it. Of course he is going to go running back to her or if not her, some other mug. He was even trying to carry it on with her after you found out from what I read of that message he sent her? I urge you to think of yourself and forget about this poor excuse of a man.

northernlight20 · 25/11/2023 19:39

WeekWeekWeek · 25/11/2023 19:15

I know I’ll get guff for this and the “be kind” and “if you have nothing nice to say…” bridge will be out in force, but is anyone sick of women like this who put men ahead of their children?

Anyone can be the victim of domestic violence, no doubt about it, but to constantly choose awful men over your children, and waste police resources by having him arrested and then taking him back is just ridiculous.

There’s no hope for women like the OP. Give all the advice you want, but she won’t get away from this cycle because, deep down, it benefits her in some way.
She’ll be along to tell us that there’s something in her background that gives her a fucked-up attitude to men and relationships, but she doesn’t give a shit that what’s happening will be the fucked-up things in her children’s lives that mean they repeat history.

i completely agree. already lost kids due to bad choice of man and is now repeating the cycle. luckily, shes not managed to breed this time.

Panaa · 25/11/2023 19:49

Will he break no contact with her?

Yes and he'll cheat with others too.
This 'relationship' does not have a happy ending for you. He has zero respect for you.

Original poster
AnotherNameChange8 · 25/11/2023 20:24

I know all of this I just don't see the point of changing anything. I'm so stuck in all of this. I have bpd also so doesn't help. I've had therapy and I just stay with him.
I can't get over them together we have good days and nice days out etc but every day I'm just waiting to hear they've gone back.

Especially from what I've gathered is they used to have spaces from each other and then it would go back to starting again. I know he is wrong for cheating but he always comes back to me.
He's had previous issues before with stalking his ex's when he's been dumped but he doesn't do that to her. He keeps tabs on me not her. I think that says a lot. I know I need to get out.

OP posts:
Motnight · 25/11/2023 20:31

Please use contraception, Op.

Nicole1111 · 25/11/2023 20:33

Please don’t trick yourself in to thinking because you have nice days out it means you’re in a healthy relationship. Also don’t let your ego have you believing that because he’s tracking you that’s a mark of how much he likes you. It’s only reflective of his desire to control and abuse you and the toxicity of your relationship.
Have you had dbt?

Winnipeggy · 25/11/2023 20:39

Not one person will say anything other than leave him