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Relationships

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Original poster

Friends with benefits?!

118 replies

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 12:10

I posted about a situation with a friend/work colleague a couple of weeks ago. Basically we slept together and then continued to see each other for food, drinks, more sleeping together etc. He said he wanted something very casual, i agreed. Lines started to get blurred when he started acting relationship-y with me. It felt quite obbsessive - very clingy etc. And this is going to sound very big headed and I really really don't mean it to be (as i dont think this myself) but when people found out we were having this situation/fling they were shocked and said 'in his dreams etc', 'no wonder hes being obsessive'

Anwyway, he messaged on Monday saying his head was all over the place with it all and he wanted a week to clear his head, so I stopped messaging outside of work. He said he likes me but doesnt want a relationship, he will only end up disappointing me etc. Then he said what did i want, and i said I liked him too, but all this in betweenness is confusing etc.

We had a work's meeting Thursday and then he started messaging again on whatsapp (only work related) but I've just been slow at replying to kind of put some (albeit very loose) boundaries in place.

He said he wanted to meet face to face to talk about things, but just seemed very pointless to drag something out. Anyway we did end up meeting yesterday after work face-to-face to talk about things.

He basically tried to call the shots (very arrogantly) with it all, he was expecting me to be really upset/heartbroken i think. So i let him talk...he said sorry about x,y,z and he said he thought i might be attached etc. So i said to him i have never give off the impression i want a relationship with you, i said ive been single for 4 years now through choose because I don't have space/time to integrate a man into my life permanantley. He seemed very taken back by me telling him all this, and seemed to bring him down a peg or two.

Isaid yes its been fun and i've enjoyed it but i dont think it's a good idea to carry things on. And he said... well i do think its a good thing to continue things but only on a real casual basis. Then the cheek of it....he said don't make any rash decisions now, he said go away and we'll give it till next weekend to decide. So i said i don't think its a good idea, i work too closely with you etc and he was like we're not making any rash decisions! I was sooooo annoyed after it - he's completely trying to call the shots.

He said he wanted space etc and then contiunes to message, he messaged straight after chat yesterday saying 'he thinks the chat was a good thing'

I said a few times its not a good idea (to meet up casually) - but obviously he hasen't heard that part! I do like him (weirdly) but i feel like he needs to know i'm not casually seeing him on his terms.

My head is baffled, i don't want to contact him outside of work (especially because we have a big meeting on Monday in work), but I also feel like i need to let him know that I'm not going to go away and think about whether i want to continue. I'm also baffled as tables turned a little and he's gone a little arrogant with it all

If anybody has any advice about what i should do please enlighten me haha/

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 25/11/2023 13:01

If it's supposed to be casual but it's getting hard and confusing, I would say knock it on the head.

He sounds like a bit of a mind fuck, maybe controlling and if that is the case, it will only get worse.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 13:15

@Catsafterme It is a mind fuck at the moment, i think because we're friends he's trying to keep it at a certain level of 'friendliness' and using that to be a dick in the mean time

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 25/11/2023 14:03

You can say "you think it's a bad idea", to him lots of times and he will still decide, because its a week and noncommittal turn of phrase. He will read from that, that it doesn't mean you won't go along with what he wants, even though its a 'bad idea'. I get the feeling you are dithering about saying something to the point, as unsure yourself. That's how you get boundaries broken and feel used.
I suggest you be more emphatic in turning down his casual proposition.
If he does want more really, best way to pind out is to keep things platonic.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 14:44

@Opentooffers I think because I was willing to give it a chance and I would have liked to have dated to see if it ever went anywhere. I do have issues around relationships where I’m not interested in specifically pursuing one. But I think the fact that this situation stresses me out so much means it isn’t going to end well I don’t think if we continue casually seeing each other.

despite him already making it clear that he’s not really looking for a relationship - I still don’t want to finalise it, but like you say my boundaries are going to get trodden across. I tried to say it but he said don’t make any rash decisions which makes me think he’s not 100% either.

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 25/11/2023 15:01

Is it a case of you don't necessarily search for a relationship or need one and this situation worked in theory but you would now prefer more of a meaningful, casual connection?

If that is the case I can understand that but it doesn't come across like he does or wants that. He's said you may be getting attached and he's rewriting the rules to avoid a deeper connection I would say.

RandomForest · 25/11/2023 15:02

He knows how you're playing it.

Treat em mean keep em keen.

Unfortunately he's got a grasp on this, has turned it on you and now you're hooked.

You think you're in control but you're not.

GoGoGo2 · 25/11/2023 15:11

It sounds like a head fuck.

I think either you are both into giving it a try, or knock it all on the heàd.

If you do anything else you will continue in this state of confusion.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 15:34

Do you think I message tonight and say let’s just go back to being friends and not go there?

Part of me thinks don’t finalise it now becuase when I’m with him it is fun etc but I think as he’s said im going to be disappointed in the long run.

its just the fact that he kept saying let’s not make a rash decision now - go away and think about it. That’s the part that confuses me

OP posts:

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 16:07

@Catsafterme yeah I think that is what has happened. And he told me he ended his last relationship purely on the basis that he doesn’t have time to date at the moment.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 25/11/2023 16:14

Do you think I message tonight and say let’s just go back to being friends and not go there?

@Holibobby

That's like closing the barn door after the horse has bolted. He obviously wants 'more' than friendship even if it's only to be the one who 'calls all the shots' on the FWB situation (or lack thereof). Sounds like he's a 'controller and a confuser' to me.

I'd simply message "I've given it some thought and our arrangement is no longer working for me. It's best we go back to just being work colleagues and nothing more".

Catsafterme · 25/11/2023 17:47

I mean I dunno maybe my opinion is different being a guy but from what I can work out, he seems more interested in keeping this set in a way that befits him more than you.

I think it's possible to have a deeper connection in that setup but considering he's shut down previous when it's started going that way would to me suggest he's not capable of it and actively avoids it.

He wants it his way on his terms, likely emotionally detached. Nothing wrong with that of course but if you need more, he isn't a good fit.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 18:13

I’m thinking not to message him tonight and then when it comes round to next weekend as he’s said to not make any rash decisions, I will wait till he asks me if I want to do something (when he isn’t busy) then I will tell him I’m not doing it anymore. If I randomly get in touch tonight he will think I’m bothered.

OP posts:

PhantomOps · 25/11/2023 18:28

This reply has been deleted

This is a previously banned troll so we've removed their posts.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 18:46

@PhantomOps We're all quite a close group of friends at work that's how they know

OP posts:

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 20:59

I think best way forward Is to let him think that I’m having time to ‘think’ and then when he gets in touch after next weekend just say no sorry it’s not for me. I don’t want to reach out to him randomly now as he may think that I’m really bothered (and I don’t want to let on Anythjng)

OP posts:

Epidote · 25/11/2023 21:34

I wouldn't text him. Too much hassle for something casual and to much drama to stick with him as friend. I got the impression that he doesn't listen when you talk, so what would be the point.

Riverstep · 25/11/2023 22:23

Don’t message him and don’t respond if he messages you first. He sounds like a waste of time.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 22:28

@Riverstep if he was a stranger I wouldn’t respond. But because we work together I don’t want it to be awkward or for him to pull me aside and say why you not replying (I don’t think he would)

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2023 22:32

Do you think I message tonight and say let’s just go back to being friends and not go there?

If you believe this is even remotely possible you must be very naive. Come on now. The proverbial train has left the station.

In the future, I really hope you are wise enough to refrain from shagging colleagues.

Catsafterme · 25/11/2023 22:36

I think there may be a high chance of it being awkward regardless as you work together.

At the end of the day you clearly need more than he is willing to offer so find someone who can. It may be awkward either way but the longer it goes on, the more confused and worse you will feel from his mind games.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 22:41

@Aquamarine1029 He’s openly said whatever I decide - our friendship won’t be affected, which may be naive in believing but I don’t have any other choice as we work together

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 25/11/2023 22:45

Do nothing, then when he next contacts, if he asks for casual, say "no thanks", if he first says let's go back platonic, correct response "yes, I'd like that too". He's a tad messed up, tries to play it cool, but not very good at it. Not jumping to his tune, will make him think. I think you want him to be all in, but he rushed scared of commitment so likes a half measure, which is selling yourself short.
If he'd rather be without than commit, that's on him and you are better off without. If he gets over himself, he will let you know, but only after being faced with nothing and rejection will he bother giving it thought.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/11/2023 22:46

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 20:59

That's playing games. "Let him think I'm thinking" and waiting until "he gets in touch" to say you don't want to continue If you aren't interested, just say so. And who cares what he may think?

If you don't want to resume the FWB or whatever it was, just send him the text I suggested upthread.

"I've given it some thought and our arrangement is no longer working for me. It's best we go back to just being work colleagues and nothing more".

Done and dusted.

strawberrysea · 25/11/2023 22:51

Way too much work.

If a casual fwb is what you're after and you don't want a relationship (I don't blame you) you will be inundated with offers on tinder/OLD so pick someone off of there.

It sounds as if he was hoping that you'd be devastated at the idea that he doesn't want to be with you 'properly' and having seen that you're okay with a casual situation his ego is bruised a bit.

Keep messages about work and move on from this one.

Very weird concerning the 'no rash decisions' speech.

category12 · 25/11/2023 22:52

Crikey, he thinks he's something, doesn't he?

I wouldn't keep up the sexual side of it, I think he'll be a mindfucker, given the opportunity.

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