Friends with benefits?!

[Holibobby]

I posted about a situation with a friend/work colleague a couple of weeks ago. Basically we slept together and then continued to see each other for food, drinks, more sleeping together etc. He said he wanted something very casual, i agreed. Lines started to get blurred when he started acting relationship-y with me. It felt quite obbsessive - very clingy etc. And this is going to sound very big headed and I really really don't mean it to be (as i dont think this myself) but when people found out we were having this situation/fling they were shocked and said 'in his dreams etc', 'no wonder hes being obsessive'

Anwyway, he messaged on Monday saying his head was all over the place with it all and he wanted a week to clear his head, so I stopped messaging outside of work. He said he likes me but doesnt want a relationship, he will only end up disappointing me etc. Then he said what did i want, and i said I liked him too, but all this in betweenness is confusing etc.

We had a work's meeting Thursday and then he started messaging again on whatsapp (only work related) but I've just been slow at replying to kind of put some (albeit very loose) boundaries in place.

He said he wanted to meet face to face to talk about things, but just seemed very pointless to drag something out. Anyway we did end up meeting yesterday after work face-to-face to talk about things.

He basically tried to call the shots (very arrogantly) with it all, he was expecting me to be really upset/heartbroken i think. So i let him talk...he said sorry about x,y,z and he said he thought i might be attached etc. So i said to him i have never give off the impression i want a relationship with you, i said ive been single for 4 years now through choose because I don't have space/time to integrate a man into my life permanantley. He seemed very taken back by me telling him all this, and seemed to bring him down a peg or two.

Isaid yes its been fun and i've enjoyed it but i dont think it's a good idea to carry things on. And he said... well i do think its a good thing to continue things but only on a real casual basis. Then the cheek of it....he said don't make any rash decisions now, he said go away and we'll give it till next weekend to decide. So i said i don't think its a good idea, i work too closely with you etc and he was like we're not making any rash decisions! I was sooooo annoyed after it - he's completely trying to call the shots.

He said he wanted space etc and then contiunes to message, he messaged straight after chat yesterday saying 'he thinks the chat was a good thing'

I said a few times its not a good idea (to meet up casually) - but obviously he hasen't heard that part! I do like him (weirdly) but i feel like he needs to know i'm not casually seeing him on his terms.

My head is baffled, i don't want to contact him outside of work (especially because we have a big meeting on Monday in work), but I also feel like i need to let him know that I'm not going to go away and think about whether i want to continue. I'm also baffled as tables turned a little and he's gone a little arrogant with it all

If anybody has any advice about what i should do please enlighten me haha/

@RandomForest After the arrogance, the making it awkward for me in work meeting etc I can safely say I do no want him to ‘submit’ to me.

I admit that I enjoyed all the attention from him and spending time together but I also know in reality that even if he ever wanted to pursue anything (which he has said he does not) it would be a receipe for disaster.

Hes still reaching out on different platforms to me which yeah is keeping something alive - but I’ve already gone very quiet and very one worded in my answers. So yeah it sounds like it’s time to shut it all down and end it

This is a competative union, FWB is meant to take that dynamic out of the equasion with both parties getting just what they need and want without the stress of knowing who is top dog.

He won't even allow you the chivalry of making you feel like a desired, chased woman in this convinient set up.

His ego is massive, your ego is hurt.

This wouldn't work, you are incompatable, he thinks he should drag you down from your high horse and you think he needs pulling down a peg or two.

Why give him sex.

He's an idiot, find a real man, one who is not affraid to show his respect for women.

You can guarantee someone as much as a head fuck as that will be banking on you having drink so your guard is down and to come on intense again so, be cautious.

What you're feeling may be the starting of or akin to a trauma bond. Your gut may be saying no but your head is saying something else. You don't like him but a part of you does for some reason and you can't pin point it.

Grey rock as mentioned is the way.

Yeah, I think you should drive or otherwise motivate yourself to stay sober at the Christmas do.

I don’t know whether to act like nothings happened and brush it off or tell him there that I’m not interested in pursuing FWB

No, you don't tell him in the middle of a party. That's tacky.

No, you don't act like nothing's happened & brush it off, that's playing games.

You message him NOW and tell him that you have decided the FWB isn't working for you and that you are ending that arrangement. Then you either tell him you hope you can remain platonic friends or that you'd prefer go to back to being work colleagues.

Why is this so difficult for you to understand? You don't want FWB anymore. So end it firmly but politely. Ending it means nothing more than that you want to end it. There are no 'hidden meanings', no 'open to interpretation' to you ending it. It's the same as saying "No, I don't care for another piece of cake I've had enough, thank you".

Can I refer you back to my earlier answer:

I'd just message to say "thinking about our conversation, I don't need until the weekend, I'm happy to call it quits rn. I hope we can still be mates, and professional if not, see ya at work, Holibobby"

Or some variety thereof. Keep it short and snappy.

Then it's done with.

Yeah cut the chord then there's no confusion.

I broke it off today…but now feel really crap about it :( had a night out with work friends last night and thinking it’s probably the rubbish feeling of alcohol the next day.

I'm sure you're right, it's hangover depression. Hot shower, strong coffee, and eat something healthy. Then take a brisk walk, even a short one, and you'll feel much better.

I'm glad you took the initiative to end it. Things may be a bit 'awkward' with him for a bit, but that will pass soon.

You've now opened doors to new possibilities for your life. Celebrate that!!

Hoping it lifts. I thought I would feel relieved.

Honestly, once the post excitement blues wears off you will be soooo much happier.

@Holibobby

What @drowninginsunshine said.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Give yourself time and don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way in a certain amount of time. And don't tell yourself that if you don't feel a certain way that you must have made the wrong decision. You emphatically have NOT made the wrong decision!

Think if it was meant to be casual, how you're feeling now is something else entirely. You may have got emotionally attached normally but it could also be his behavior is the cause and you didn't intend to.

You may feel like shit now but it will pass, promise. I understand how you're feeling, I was there six months ago and thought it wouldn't. Mine spanned over a decade, was very bad and still is in other ways but it did pass and now I'm the strongest I've ever been.

Take care of yourself, eat well, get fresh air and do what you want to do and one day it will lift.

@Catsafterme Thank you. I do feel better today - feel like it’s a weight lifted off my shoulders. Feel nervous for Thursday as we’re in a meeting together and Friday is Xmas night out. So not quite sure how to broach these events. I might just act as if nothing has happened and hopefully it will naturally go back to being colleagues.

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

Yeah, just grey rock in the meeting, show no emotion and keep it professional. Don't rise to anything if he starts up again, they hate not getting a reaction. Be alert for the Xmas party if you're drinking and should he try avoid being taken for a chat to discuss etc as he'll only start up again.

He was never your friend, just looking for an opportunity to tap dat azz. And he got it. What you need to do with this crazy game playing idiot is to cut him off completely. Stop saying that waffling woman phrase 'I don't think it's a good idea" and instead straight tell him firmly while staring at his silly face "No. That won't be happening." Block his number. He doesn't need to call you on your privae phone to talk about work related matters anyway - don't you have a company phone? And since you are not an on call doctor, turn the company phone off after business hours and on weekends. No life and death emergency occurs over paper files and meetings.

In other words, take your power back. You are giving him far too much control and opportunity to dictate what you do, when and where.

Don't "broach" them. It's done with.

Just treat him the same way as the rest of your workmates.

Don't get led off to a corner to "discuss" anything at your Xmas work do, stay with the group, no private conversations - and stay sober.