Friends with benefits?!

[Holibobby]

I posted about a situation with a friend/work colleague a couple of weeks ago. Basically we slept together and then continued to see each other for food, drinks, more sleeping together etc. He said he wanted something very casual, i agreed. Lines started to get blurred when he started acting relationship-y with me. It felt quite obbsessive - very clingy etc. And this is going to sound very big headed and I really really don't mean it to be (as i dont think this myself) but when people found out we were having this situation/fling they were shocked and said 'in his dreams etc', 'no wonder hes being obsessive'

Anwyway, he messaged on Monday saying his head was all over the place with it all and he wanted a week to clear his head, so I stopped messaging outside of work. He said he likes me but doesnt want a relationship, he will only end up disappointing me etc. Then he said what did i want, and i said I liked him too, but all this in betweenness is confusing etc.

We had a work's meeting Thursday and then he started messaging again on whatsapp (only work related) but I've just been slow at replying to kind of put some (albeit very loose) boundaries in place.

He said he wanted to meet face to face to talk about things, but just seemed very pointless to drag something out. Anyway we did end up meeting yesterday after work face-to-face to talk about things.

He basically tried to call the shots (very arrogantly) with it all, he was expecting me to be really upset/heartbroken i think. So i let him talk...he said sorry about x,y,z and he said he thought i might be attached etc. So i said to him i have never give off the impression i want a relationship with you, i said ive been single for 4 years now through choose because I don't have space/time to integrate a man into my life permanantley. He seemed very taken back by me telling him all this, and seemed to bring him down a peg or two.

Isaid yes its been fun and i've enjoyed it but i dont think it's a good idea to carry things on. And he said... well i do think its a good thing to continue things but only on a real casual basis. Then the cheek of it....he said don't make any rash decisions now, he said go away and we'll give it till next weekend to decide. So i said i don't think its a good idea, i work too closely with you etc and he was like we're not making any rash decisions! I was sooooo annoyed after it - he's completely trying to call the shots.

He said he wanted space etc and then contiunes to message, he messaged straight after chat yesterday saying 'he thinks the chat was a good thing'

I said a few times its not a good idea (to meet up casually) - but obviously he hasen't heard that part! I do like him (weirdly) but i feel like he needs to know i'm not casually seeing him on his terms.

My head is baffled, i don't want to contact him outside of work (especially because we have a big meeting on Monday in work), but I also feel like i need to let him know that I'm not going to go away and think about whether i want to continue. I'm also baffled as tables turned a little and he's gone a little arrogant with it all

If anybody has any advice about what i should do please enlighten me haha/

I think if he's really fucked her about, then it can be a wake-up call and shame him into leaving her alone. If he's only slightly fucked her about, then at least she gets to draw a clear line without him thinking she's just playing hard to get. Since they work together, she can't just block and never see him again - I do think it's a situation that has to be addressed head-on.

I think he expected you to get attached to him and want more from him so he can be the one in control. Him acting like that at the meeting was part of that too. Trying to lower your self esteem to make you go crawling back to him. I’d call him out on it. When he was rubbing his eyes and yawning I’d stop and stare at him directly and ask if he is keeping up with what is going on with the meeting or would he like you to slow it down a little to his pace. Don’t let him mess you about. He sounds like a complete loser. You are too good for him so the only way he can string you along is to make you feel bad about yourself so you don’t think are too good for him anymore.

@Neodymium Thank you, i think if he does continue to be rude in work I should defintley pull him up on it. Everything he said in the meeting anyway hw contradicted himself later in the day.

He's messaged tonight - just sent through a funny picture about 'anxiety' to which I am not going to reply to. Everytime he wants to communicate he will send multiple messages saying he's stressed/anxious etc. Then when I talk to him he always thanks me and basically says he's glad I'm honest and upfront because he doesn't have the balls to do what i do! But i'm not going there again - if he wants to man up and tell me something its upto him now, I ain't giving him the energy to suss out his weird behaviour. Acted really off and strange towards me today but then messages me of a night time!

That’s rubbish.

The best way to show him you’re not interested is to tell him it’s over.

There is no other way. I really don’t understand why you think saying this to him will make him think you’re interested.

But with a very hefty serving of
"I've not appreciated the implications that I'm desperate to tie you
down. I also don't appreciate this chat about you needing a week to
recover from the text chats that you've largely instigated with me. At
this point in my life, I don't have time for this. I wish you well, but
obviously you'll see that we cannot just be friends just like before."

This.

so he wants you to be his therapist too ? Geez. No wonder your friends said you were out of his league. You are way out of his league. I don’t even know why you would want to be friends with him anymore. He sounds pathetic.

@Neodymium Hmm it seems like it. The more and more I am getting to know him I'm seeing that patheticness! I use to think he was so laid back and easy going, but obviously I've seen a different side. I am giving him less head space today, I'm just hoping things can go back to normal at work, as I'm not even sure how to act at work at the moment. Luckily most of our work is remote so at max I probably only see him about once maybe twice per week.

FWB has to be really clear, I had the same one for 18 years
If we hadn't messaged for a bit I might say you ok or something. No casual texting, texts about meeting up only or well, other stuff
Sex, quick chat then leave. No meals/hanging about etc
Did I love him? Sure, as in he was a friend and I would have been upset if anything happened because we knew each other for so long. I wasn't in love with him though and neither of us wanted a relationship with the other

I don’t understand all this cocky attitude in work but then he’s always the first to get in contact as if to say ‘I’m here’

Why are you still giving this guy so much headspace?

@LylaLee i haven’t today for the first time, well defintley not anywhere near the head space I have! It’s just difficult when I keep seeing his name popping up on work platforms. So much easier if he was a stranger

This is how manipulative/abusive people work. They say one thing and do another, they play the victim and act like they are hard done by. To you alone they are one person and around others they are someone else entirely. Often around others they humiliate or put you down.

It's a head fuck by design. One minute they are laid back, next insecure and the next arrogant or worse angry and aggressive. You don't know which one is the real one but you're so lost in it, you fall into the trap.

It may not be the case but it has familiarities with my experience early on into my relationship with my stbxw. I fell into that trap hard and she turned out to be full blown abusive in every way. I got trapped in that for over a decade and got out this year.

There's a reason he is single. There's a reason he can't commit. It's either because he's not capable or it's an elaborate game to make you chase while simultaneously bending your mind to snare you. It sounds insane, because it is but it works.

@Holibobby

I was deeply involved with a co-worker for about 18 months. I mean talking marriage etc. Then he suddenly dumped me like a hot potato in an extremely painful way and made sure everyone at work knew about it. I had to see and interact with him EVERY DAY. Yet it seems to me that I gave him less headspace than you're giving this FWB. Although this was before SM and cell phones etc so once I left work for the day there was no more having him right in my face.

The only way I survived was 'fake it til you make it' and giving myself a few stern talkings to in the ladies' loo. And counseling.

You need to block him on any SM. And you need to block him on your phone, at least outside of working hours. And if need be you need to caution any mutual friends that you do NOT want to hear about him or his activities.

Well, take this as a lesson for the future not to dip your nib in the company ink.

It would have been much more sense to have told him you were done days ago. I think maybe you want him to make some sort of declaration at the weekend, but I think you will come to regret it if you get reeled into something with him

@Catsafterme Sorry to hear you went through a really tough time. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years so I thought this felt plain sailing in comparison but already seen very strange/odd behaviour.

@AcrossthePond55 That must have been so hard after becomming so involved, I'm glad you got through it. I've noticed with social media he's always the first to view my stories etc, so it would be nice to have that shut off time outside of work and not constant reminders.

@category12 I really wish I did say something at the weekend whilst I was annoyed/angry at him. I feel like now I'm starting to see what an absolute loser he is and I can see that much clearer now, thanks to all posters on here.

He had a message today for our work group (work related) but sent it in a private message to me and when I didn't respond he then asked the group (who the inteded message was for), so he's still trying to make contact. Even my friend said why is he asking you that directly when its a group issue. I just wish I said something at weekend and drew the line there. As now it's still being kept alive.

@Holibobby Thank you and sorry to hear you also experienced it too.

I mean it may not be but, kinda how mine was. Although mine initially was very intense and accelerated really fast, there was a lot of mixed signals, flip flopping of behavior and seed planting. Like, subtle nudges, hints and things done on purpose.

I just wish I said something at weekend and drew the line there. As now it's still being kept alive.

So why can't you say something now @Holibobby

Some wrong-headed notion that ending things shows she cares or is thinking about him. 😬

To me, ending it is taking the power back while waiting til the weekend like he said is giving him control. But oh well.

He's so insecure. He wants you to want him. And you don't. And the more he tries to make out that he's the guy pulling the strings and how upset you must be etc the less you want to be anywhere near him. He's seriously icky. I'm amazed you aren't feeling repulsed by now. I know I am.

I would sort of grey rock. Don't reply. If he directly speaks with you in person just be bland. If he starts talking about 'us' just look blankly and say something like 'we had this conversation. I am not interested in taking this forward'. If he keeps saying dumb stuff like 'give it a week' just say 'mmhmmm' or 'ok' or 'yup'. Flat. No emotion. Nothing.

@drowninginjelly I have the major ick from him
now. I’m glad he’s showed me this side of him as I’ve completely changed the way I think about him! Realised that my self worth is far too high to even entertain the idea. The funny part about all of this was that after him coming on to me (very strongly) and him inititating everything - I thought he’s not my type, I don’t find him attractive but as he’s a nice guy I will give it a chance!! Then he literally pulled the rug out from underneath me and has turned into an arrogant prick - which is becoming obvious to my close co-workers too! What a lucky escape I’ve had :)

Xmas meal could be awkward as everybody will be drinking and partying - I’m not going to ignore him/not acknowledge he is there - I will still be my usually bubbly self but going to keep a huge distance.

I'd advise you to drink only one or two. You've obviously been feeling strong emotions about this and alcohol is notorious for inviting strong emotions to come up on stage. If you want to avoid a scene avoid the alcohol. Even better, let him make a scene while you're super chilled out and reasonable, looking concerned.

@LylaLee Yeah that’s a good suggestion. I’m glad that it’s not until next weekend. there’s been a rollercoaster of emotions with this situation (I’m still not even sure why), but a switch has now been flicked and I just feel really annoyed and angry that I let somebody disrupt my peace so much and dictate the whole situation.

So I think by next week I won’t be as annoyed by it all and I can just sit back, have a nice time and let his insecurities be loud.

@Holibobby

I agree with moderating your alcohol during the party.

But I just don't understand why you're so invested in what he thinks you're thinking or feeling. It was a FWB, you say it's over. Tell him and be done with it.

Your ego is clearly bothered about this man.

He sounds as though he is attatched elsewhere and believes because you have been single for a number of years are desperate for attention.

You thought you were worth more than he offered, you wanted him to place you on a pedastal and he's fought that, he will play the game but this man is never going to submit to you.

I would keep him at arms length, your self esteem will be affected.