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Relationships

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Original poster

Friends with benefits?!

118 replies

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 12:10

I posted about a situation with a friend/work colleague a couple of weeks ago. Basically we slept together and then continued to see each other for food, drinks, more sleeping together etc. He said he wanted something very casual, i agreed. Lines started to get blurred when he started acting relationship-y with me. It felt quite obbsessive - very clingy etc. And this is going to sound very big headed and I really really don't mean it to be (as i dont think this myself) but when people found out we were having this situation/fling they were shocked and said 'in his dreams etc', 'no wonder hes being obsessive'

Anwyway, he messaged on Monday saying his head was all over the place with it all and he wanted a week to clear his head, so I stopped messaging outside of work. He said he likes me but doesnt want a relationship, he will only end up disappointing me etc. Then he said what did i want, and i said I liked him too, but all this in betweenness is confusing etc.

We had a work's meeting Thursday and then he started messaging again on whatsapp (only work related) but I've just been slow at replying to kind of put some (albeit very loose) boundaries in place.

He said he wanted to meet face to face to talk about things, but just seemed very pointless to drag something out. Anyway we did end up meeting yesterday after work face-to-face to talk about things.

He basically tried to call the shots (very arrogantly) with it all, he was expecting me to be really upset/heartbroken i think. So i let him talk...he said sorry about x,y,z and he said he thought i might be attached etc. So i said to him i have never give off the impression i want a relationship with you, i said ive been single for 4 years now through choose because I don't have space/time to integrate a man into my life permanantley. He seemed very taken back by me telling him all this, and seemed to bring him down a peg or two.

Isaid yes its been fun and i've enjoyed it but i dont think it's a good idea to carry things on. And he said... well i do think its a good thing to continue things but only on a real casual basis. Then the cheek of it....he said don't make any rash decisions now, he said go away and we'll give it till next weekend to decide. So i said i don't think its a good idea, i work too closely with you etc and he was like we're not making any rash decisions! I was sooooo annoyed after it - he's completely trying to call the shots.

He said he wanted space etc and then contiunes to message, he messaged straight after chat yesterday saying 'he thinks the chat was a good thing'

I said a few times its not a good idea (to meet up casually) - but obviously he hasen't heard that part! I do like him (weirdly) but i feel like he needs to know i'm not casually seeing him on his terms.

My head is baffled, i don't want to contact him outside of work (especially because we have a big meeting on Monday in work), but I also feel like i need to let him know that I'm not going to go away and think about whether i want to continue. I'm also baffled as tables turned a little and he's gone a little arrogant with it all

If anybody has any advice about what i should do please enlighten me haha/

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2023 22:55

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 22:41

@Aquamarine1029 He’s openly said whatever I decide - our friendship won’t be affected, which may be naive in believing but I don’t have any other choice as we work together

Of course it's naive, he's already made it clear he isn't capable of just "being friends." This is why you don't fuck colleagues. Why make your life even more complicated than it has to be? There are plenty of men out there, who aren't your colleagues, who are happy to have sex with no commitment.

Original poster

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 23:00

@strawberrysea All day yesterday he kept saying in front of the group everybody is insulting him but he half expected the insults off me. Then when he sat down he was like how are you doing are you ok. As soon as I said to him you’ve really confused me you said you don’t want a relationship but I don’t want a relationship with you either, I said with any man at the moment but more so with you because we’re work friends. He was so taken back and seemed really shocked he sat there really quiet and said ‘ok guess this isn’t going anywhere then’.

It just really annoyed me when I said it not being a good idea and he said he was busy the next 2 weekends but once he was home the following weekend for us to make a decision then. I was so annoyed at that and that’s when I said I’m not putting a date on it I’m saying it now and he said Noo don’t make a rash decision now go and think about it.

My friend at work said be careful he seems like he’s going to get really attached. Now he’s calling the shots and it’s really annoyed me. I wouldn’t look at him twice (we’ve worked together a little while and he’s never ever entered my head) - The sleeping together has just blurred the lines for me.

OP posts:

Lotyt · 25/11/2023 23:10

For someone who wants casual, it doesn’t half seem to be giving you a lot of head space!

just end it.

Begsthequestion · 25/11/2023 23:21

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 20:59

I think best way forward Is to let him think that I’m having time to ‘think’ and then when he gets in touch after next weekend just say no sorry it’s not for me. I don’t want to reach out to him randomly now as he may think that I’m really bothered (and I don’t want to let on Anythjng)

Yeah it sounds like you gave him your answer in person and he didn't like it, so told you to think about it more.

So there's no point reaching out, he's not going to listen and it will make you seem bothered, which he'll probably take to mean interested.

I would wait till he brings it up again and just reiterate what you said before - it's not a good idea and you want to go back to being platonic.

It seems like he wants you to want him so he can be the one to reject you. But you're not here to stroke his ego and he'll just have to accept that.

I'd probably tell someone else in your group that this was your decision too, so the truth is out there. Because I suspect he'll have his own version that he'll tell people, whereby you're devastated he didn't want you but "please don't mention it to Holibobby because it's hurt her enough already".

Lala87 · 25/11/2023 23:24

I'm confused by this a bit...

Do you want a relationship? Or are you happy with something casual?

If you do want a relationship - you won't find one with him. Don't just keep going in the hope it will grow. In my experience no healthy relationship starts with these foundations. Especially when someone explicitly says I don't want one.

Make the decision yourself and drop it. You don't have to tell him. When he gets in touch just say you'd prefer to leave it. Then no contact other than work related and leave it at that. This wondering what he's thinking and him thinking about what you're thinking, is a total waste of time and energy. Make a decision for you. I've been where you are before, it shouldn't be this hard.

Minglingpringle · 25/11/2023 23:27

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 20:59

That’s what I was going to suggest. Say “i’m
thinking this over very seriously and will give you my final answer by x day”. Then on that day say it’s no go. Then he will not be able to deny that you’ve made a final decision and you can keep referring him back to it if he questions it.

Minglingpringle · 25/11/2023 23:33

Although that might make him think you’re in two minds and there might be wriggle room. Probably better, actually, just to say straight away that it’s a definite no. And just repeat it if he casts doubt on it.

Whenwasthis · 25/11/2023 23:42

This sounds grim and very childish. The fella hasn't got a clue what he wants. You're being told that you're out of his league and you're telling him you like him yet he's still giving you the run around.
Yes work will be awkward and it's already messy , but knock this on the head asap before the damage is even worse.

Catsafterme · 25/11/2023 23:51

This is confusing, so he doesn't want a relationship but brought it up. You don't either but him bringing it up was odd and he got offended that you didn't and now he wants you to think on it...

Does he mean a relationship or seeing each other at all?

If you wouldn't look at him twice so, I'm assuming you don't find him attractive either?

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/11/2023 09:57

I think he likes you and wants a relationship with you . Feels you are out of his league so to speak. He feels he will get hurt as he can’t match up to you.
Him being all arrogant is his way of trying to keep some control of the situation when he has no control over his feelings .

This is the first thing that spring to mind reading your post .
I had an ex like this didn’t want a relationship , everyone wondered what I was going with him.
Then soon after he’s with someone else very different to me let’s say the “safe “ option to him.

I honestly don’t think you should waste any more time . He’s insecure and it’s no good for you
Id stick to just work form now and YOU make that clear not him, then move on .

Original poster

Holibobby · 26/11/2023 10:29

@Milkybarsareonmeeeee I think that to a certain extent too but nobody else mentioned it. Last week when I went to his he sent me a message saying your welfome to stay over so I said yeah ok will bring my stuff for the next day and he was like oooh getting wardrobe space are we now.

And when we were talking we were talking about holidays and I said I had a big family holiday planned for next year and he said don’t be asking me to come on a holiday with that many people I will only go with a few people. That thought had never entered my head - I would never ask him to come on a family holiday.

And he kept saying at lunch he half expects insults off me to everyone - like he’s hurt me. I think his reaction to being really taken back when I said I don’t want a relationship - kind of suggested that. Then he messaged me straight after and said thank you for the chat I think it went really well.

So maybe he does or maybe he’s just people pleasing and feeling like he needs to continue having some sort of contact as we’re meant to be ‘friends’

OP posts:

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/11/2023 10:56

@AcrossthePond55 it was all men’t to be fun now it’s not . He has you questioning everything. Its look like he will end up hurting you if you allow it , because he’s trying to stop that happening to him. You could try talking to him and asking if it’s a relationship he wants, again he’s saying to you he doesn’t to save face yet everything he talks about points to the opposite .
It’s really up to you how you deal with this .
Are you ever going to get a straight answer from him . He doesn’t seem to be behaving nicely towards you at that moment and if you can’t have an honest conversation what hope is there for the future.

Epidote · 26/11/2023 11:02

He is full on himself isn't he? You can't win this one. Drop him. He will have an answer for anything at any time. Doesn't worth the hassle.

Original poster

Holibobby · 26/11/2023 11:11

@Milkybarsareonmeeeee after I said I wouldn’t date him that very first nigth he said couple of days after that he doesn’t want a relationship and he’s far too busy for relationship. He said his last relationship ended purely because he couldn’t commit to it. So I don’t think he explicitly wants a relationship but then his actions are different to what he says.

I never had him down as an arrogant / full of himself person always thought he was very insecure - but he’s very full of himself at the minute.

he hasent specifically said he wants friends with benefits but he said he wants casual which to me that’s what that is. But he asks for headspace and then contacts me. Then as soon as I said I don’t want a relationship I felt like he really couldn’t hide his disappointment - so he quickly said ‘well looks like this isn’t going anywhere’. He said his head has been frazzled

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/11/2023 11:12

Just do nothing and say nothing !

just carry on with your life and work and stop communicating on this heinous topic

if he pushes it secs across the ponds message

Ywlala92 · 26/11/2023 11:17

I don't think he's done much wrong. You gave a wishy washy answer. Did you out right say "I don't need to think about it, it's done for me".... Just be direct and end it. All these games are prolonging the inevitable and are just both of you trying to be the one in control!

plumtreebroke · 26/11/2023 12:09

What decision has to be made? You aren't in a relationship you're not intending to be in a relationship (both of you apparently) you may or may not hook up in the future for sex. What's the big decision? Isn't it just see you next weekend if you're free or sorry not this weekend maybe in a couple of weeks.

You are both behaving as if you are in a relationship while both denying you are.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/11/2023 13:03

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/11/2023 10:56

I don't think you meant this for me. I'm not the OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/11/2023 13:13

Holibobby · 26/11/2023 11:11

I never had him down as an arrogant / full of himself person always thought he was very insecure - but he’s very full of himself at the minute.

I think he needs to feel as if you are emotionally invested in him. It strokes his ego and makes him feel he has the upper hand. Some men are just like that. They always want to feel they are in control. In this case I do think it points more to insecurity than arrogance. He can't take the fact that you can take him or leave him. So he keeps trying to 'pull you in' to prove to himself that you care more than you do.

The best thing you can do for yourself (and probably for him) is just tell him that it's over. Both of you are playing games. You should put a stop to it.

Begsthequestion · 26/11/2023 13:25

I never had him down as an arrogant / full of himself person always thought he was very insecure - but he’s very full of himself at the minute.

Arrogant people usually are insecure - it's a defence mechanism. Secure people don't act arrogantly.

Anyway this guy sounds like a head worker and you don't even seem to fancy him much so just reiterate you want to be platonic if he asks again.

EvenBetta · 26/11/2023 13:35

The only thought required for a FWB is what time are they free to call by for a fuck. That’s the whole point of them. You’re wasting your time and lowering your self esteem analysing this colleague so much.

Original poster

Holibobby · 26/11/2023 18:36

I never ever put him down as a game player etc as we were really good friends before all this happened. However, he’s popped up on social media liking one of my photos from a week ago very random when he’s online all the time. Feel like he’s just trying to make sure I’m keeping him in his thoughts.

OP posts:

EvenBetta · 26/11/2023 18:45

Ok? He’s just a colleague, stop indulging in his games if you’re not enjoying it.

Catsafterme · 26/11/2023 20:30

People can surprise you even when you've known them a long time. Your dynamic has changed and now it's getting weird and you're seeing parts you haven't. Most likely why he's doing that, perhaps to nudge.

Whiskerson · 26/11/2023 20:38

Holibobby · 25/11/2023 22:41

@Aquamarine1029 He’s openly said whatever I decide - our friendship won’t be affected, which may be naive in believing but I don’t have any other choice as we work together

He says this like it's in his gift, but your friendship has already been affected. You could read this to mean "I'd ideally like sex and friendship, but I'd accept the permanent risk-free ego boost of being "friends" with a woman who fancies me".

I'd really advise reining this back to "just colleagues" as much as you possibly can. I appreciate you all hang out together, but I think he needs to feel the change in you if he's going to respect you and stop messing you about with his dithering ego-fishing.

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