Friends with benefits?!

[Holibobby]

I posted about a situation with a friend/work colleague a couple of weeks ago. Basically we slept together and then continued to see each other for food, drinks, more sleeping together etc. He said he wanted something very casual, i agreed. Lines started to get blurred when he started acting relationship-y with me. It felt quite obbsessive - very clingy etc. And this is going to sound very big headed and I really really don't mean it to be (as i dont think this myself) but when people found out we were having this situation/fling they were shocked and said 'in his dreams etc', 'no wonder hes being obsessive'

Anwyway, he messaged on Monday saying his head was all over the place with it all and he wanted a week to clear his head, so I stopped messaging outside of work. He said he likes me but doesnt want a relationship, he will only end up disappointing me etc. Then he said what did i want, and i said I liked him too, but all this in betweenness is confusing etc.

We had a work's meeting Thursday and then he started messaging again on whatsapp (only work related) but I've just been slow at replying to kind of put some (albeit very loose) boundaries in place.

He said he wanted to meet face to face to talk about things, but just seemed very pointless to drag something out. Anyway we did end up meeting yesterday after work face-to-face to talk about things.

He basically tried to call the shots (very arrogantly) with it all, he was expecting me to be really upset/heartbroken i think. So i let him talk...he said sorry about x,y,z and he said he thought i might be attached etc. So i said to him i have never give off the impression i want a relationship with you, i said ive been single for 4 years now through choose because I don't have space/time to integrate a man into my life permanantley. He seemed very taken back by me telling him all this, and seemed to bring him down a peg or two.

Isaid yes its been fun and i've enjoyed it but i dont think it's a good idea to carry things on. And he said... well i do think its a good thing to continue things but only on a real casual basis. Then the cheek of it....he said don't make any rash decisions now, he said go away and we'll give it till next weekend to decide. So i said i don't think its a good idea, i work too closely with you etc and he was like we're not making any rash decisions! I was sooooo annoyed after it - he's completely trying to call the shots.

He said he wanted space etc and then contiunes to message, he messaged straight after chat yesterday saying 'he thinks the chat was a good thing'

I said a few times its not a good idea (to meet up casually) - but obviously he hasen't heard that part! I do like him (weirdly) but i feel like he needs to know i'm not casually seeing him on his terms.

My head is baffled, i don't want to contact him outside of work (especially because we have a big meeting on Monday in work), but I also feel like i need to let him know that I'm not going to go away and think about whether i want to continue. I'm also baffled as tables turned a little and he's gone a little arrogant with it all

If anybody has any advice about what i should do please enlighten me haha/

Actually, every word of this too. 👏👏👏

@Whiskerson I agree that he needs to feel the change in me. I want to try and act a bit carefree about it all like he’s never bothered me as I don’t want to add to his ego. Especially as he already says he expects a lot of insults from me in front of people.

But then if I am carefree about it all he might keep asking / being inappropriate.

I don't necessarily mean being carefree - I mean keeping your distance. Carefree is great, but not as an act - you need to actually feel carefree! And I think you'll get there by keeping your distance.

I still don't understand why you don't outright end it using your words very clearly so there is no miscommunication. All this head space given to something that you say you aren't bothered about.... Why the mind games!?

Yes, ditch him.

@Ywlala92 i am bothered about it - I’m just trying my hardest not to be

I think this all sounds so silly. If you like him, tell him you like him. If you don’t, tell him you don’t. You’re making it way more complicated than it needs to be.

Remember this though, he’s told you he’ll disappoint you. So if you’re daft enough to keep entertaining this fantasy that he’s somehow speaking in riddles and actually wants to be your boyfriend then that’s on you. Men who actually want to be in a relationship with a woman tell/show them, this bloke isn’t doing that. In fact, he’s telling and showing you that the opposite is true. Believe him.

Focus on you and wait until a good one comes along. If anything you’ve said is true, this man is not ‘a good one.’

All the best whatever you decide. Take care.

Find someone who's not from work.

I remember your other thread OP. Reading that I got the vibe that he was in to you but was putting up a pretences about being carefree and casual as he thought that's what you want.

Reading this post it sounds like he's suggesting casual, in the hope you go crawling saying you really like him and want to be with him etc.

My guess would be that he is now trying to call the shots as he's feels out of control and that you have all the power. It's almost like he's thinking that if it's going to end l, it will end on his terms.

If it's going to be casual it'll be casual on his say so.

He sounds really immature and insecure. I couldn't be bothered with that - it's like some wee boy clawing desperately to regain control/power. It'd be enough to give me the major ick and I'd be running a mile with his stupid games

I think like a previous poster said he’s telling me and showing me (sometimes) he’s not interested. But the mixed messages from him mess my head. I will attach his message just for context - but for me it sounds very certain he doesn’t want a relationship BUT his actions speak differently

Why does what he wants matter? He sounds like a knob. Ick. Get rid.

Thank you for all the posts, gaining a little more clarity after reading all these perspectives :)

This is how I read that message as a guy, I'll try and translate:

I do know, I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm just being purposely vague in case.

I like spending time with you for the benefis. I don't want anything more. If I said I was you would want more and try to tie me down. I wouldn't be able to do what I want, you may get needy and I may get trapped, this way I get best of both worlds.

Does that make sense, I know it's vague and it doesn't make sense but it's open to interpretation in case you take offense and I can backtrack to maintain this situation that works well for me.

I needed a week for a break to do my own thing as that's what I like. Messaging was a lot of effort and distracting me from doing what I wanted to do.

I'm saying our relationship but I don't want a relationship, I mean our current setup that works for me. I'll add a reminder of how we got on before this so you think better of me.

If you take offense and end it, I'll be there for you because this situation has happened once it may happen again at anytime. This setup is most guys dream, I want the door left open.

That's how I read it anyway. I can tell you now any man that was emotionally sound and actually cared about you would always want to message.

@Catsafterme 👏 I think you have summed it up perfectly there!! He was arrogant in today's work meeting that I was leading. I'm ready to message him and say I'm done now but still dont think that's for the best, as I still don't want him to think I'm bothered. But equally need to close it all for my sanity, not feeling awkward in my meetings.

Whether a platonic work relationship can be salvaged I'm not sure but don't want him to think that I'm waiting around for him.

He's so "overwhelmed" and "frazzled" by a few text conversations which he mostly initiated, that he needs to take a week to recover?

What a crock of shite! If that is remotely true then he definitely should not be in a relationship with anyone, and there's your answer op.

I think @Catsafterme got it right. The guy is pretending to be all deep and meaningful, like fuckboys often do. Because really he just wants a casual shag now and again, but he knows that being honest about it would close that door forever.

Tell him to go and fuck himself. He's a typical wanker who doesn't appreciate anything.

I had to lead a work meeting today and he was so arrogant saying he’s not happy with x,y,z etc and rubbing his eyes and putting his head in his hands during the meeting as if to show me he was tired/ bored etc. hes gone so cocky and arrogant and I don’t understand why!

Probably cos he got away with telling you you couldn't end it until he said so.

@category12 I know! I’m so tempted to message and say I want to end everything now but then he will know I’m bothered by his behaviour. So kind of want him to bring it up, and then I will say i thought we cleared up I told you that I'm not carrying on with it all - never meant anything to me and I haven’t been thinking about it

But it has meant something to you, and you most certainly have been thinking about it! I think you're wanting to win the game, but you might have more impact by giving it to him straight, from the heart. That can actually floor the kind of emotionally immature man who can't resist playing games. He'll be like "whoa, a grown woman - mummy, I'm scared!". There'll be none of this petulant attitude in meetings!

@Whiskerson I already told him I liked him and even though he said the same that’s when he turned really arrogant and cocky and decided to call the shots. So I think if I tell him anything more he will continue to think he can convince me to sleep with him and I don’t want to make his ego any bigger.

I think because his best friend is also our friend / work colleague I’m kind of a little embarrassed saying stuff in case he’s reporting everything back and it will make all our meetings awkward

I think I agree with @Whiskerson . Tbh I think you're giving him more power by paying attention to his let's not make rash decisions buuuuullshiit.

I'd just message to say "thinking about our conversation, I don't need until the weekend, I'm happy to call it quits rn. I hope we can still be mates, and professional if not, see ya at work, Holibobby"

Ooh no that's not what I mean!

I meant a dash of "I enjoyed our night together and it made me see you in a new light and excited about the possibilities" (or whatever is true for you)

But with a very hefty serving of
"I've not appreciated the implications that I'm desperate to tie you down. I also don't appreciate this chat about you needing a week to recover from the text chats that you've largely instigated with me. At this point in my life, I don't have time for this. I wish you well, but obviously you'll see that we cannot just be friends just like before."

That's just an example for inspiration - what I'm saying is, call him out. Let him see that he shot himself in the foot by trying to act the cool player with you. You don't need to act cool about this.

Sending paragraphs never helps. Just keep your dignity and move on.