I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

Or take the fuse out of the washing machine plug just before she arrives!!

This thread is, indeed, batshit. I also own nothing that would be ruined by a 40 degrees wash. That’s because I choose not to spend £50 on a child’s woollen jumper. But I am aware of the existence of woollen jumpers that require washing at less than 40 degrees, and would otherwise be ruined, and if I did choose to spend my money on them, I’d be pretty pissed off if someone came into my house and ruined them by washing them at 40 despite repeatedly being asked not to! And I’d be pretty pissed off, and yes, snarky, at people that suggested either that my clothes couldn’t possibly need washing at less than 30, or that I should be putting a lock on my laundry basket, or my bedroom door, removing the detergent tray or hiding the iron, or not buying the clothes I want to, or any of the other ridiculous things people have said the OP could do when the obvious solution is for her mother to just stop doing her laundry like she’s been asked to! As for your mother, OP….I’d say there is a lot more going on than just an obsession with laundry, and I’d be asking if you really are ok with all of the other boundaries she’s certainly trampling over.

If you don’t answer the door asap they don’t wait, they bugger off with your parcel! I didn’t have time to fill the soap etc, I just went to the door. Then opened the parcel and tried it on. Answered the phone. Replied to a email. Forgot I was putting the washer on. Meanwhile my mum helpfully put the washer on for me.

I wouldn’t say it happens continuously. The last time was maybe a month ago when she ruined a new pair of wool trousers that I’d only worn twice. But even once a month is too much, I can’t afford to replace these clothes.

I don’t invite her over either. She knows what days I’m off and she just turns up. I’ve never objected because I know she’s elderly and lonely. I’m mostly just pottering around, I make her a coffee and get on with my day. Wash the windows, weed the garden, bake a cake, whatever I was planning to do. I don’t sit with her the whole time, she just enjoys being in a family home with someone around. It’s never been a problem apart from her destroying my possessions.

I sympathise. My ex-MIL used to look after DS one afternoon a week after school. I’d come home to find she had done the ironing but she wasn’t very good at it. Jumpers would be left shiny with the imprint of the V-neck on the back, my work blouses would have burn marks on them where the iron was too hot. She even ironed my knickers!

In the end I used to take the iron to work with me.

It all sounds very annoying but I think the biggest issue is your mum's apparent dependence on you and your family for company. Can you encourage her into some hobbies etc and set her up with internet at home. Then she can visit less often and maybe have her grandchildren over to her house a bit etc

Do you think a temporary ban would be enough to communicate that she really does need to leave your clothes alone?

I cant believe that some of you are insisting that a 40 wash cant possibly ruin clothing.

Yes, yes it can, and not only wool/cashmere mixes, but if you dump indigo or raw jeans in on a 40 wash then you'll get faded stripes all over them where they crease in the machine.

Buy a washing machine with a child lock?

I part I have no sympathy as my mother doesn't lift a finger in my house. But I feel the pain of destroyed clothes.

Knightsbridge 13A Key Switch 1-Gang DP Switched Socket Matt White with White Inserts - Screwfix

This....totally ruined by one wash on 40? Bananas

Christ Almighty now we've had a couple of numpties suggesting OP stops buying expensive clothes that require careful washing!

Just to indulge another person's seemingly uncontrollable urge to launder clothes that are not theirs in a house that is not theirs using a machine that is not theirs despite repeated requests to bloody well stop doing it!

Do you also tell women not to wear short skirts or walk alone at night because they're likely to be raped as a consequence of their actions???

You obviously have zero knowledge of different textiles and their laundering 🙄

I'll get pounced on for this but I think a lot of people don't notice clothing is ruined if it's still in one piece.

I think I might help my son work on his old Harley as a surprise!

I know where the workshop keys are, and I’m sure he’d be 😀 pleased!

The old paint on it looks like it needs stripping off- Maybe I could do that to be helpful!

🙃

@SurprisedWithAHorse Yes, I think you're right.

Banned mine for a lot less - aggressively cutting back all the greenery we have back when the bees were loving it for feeding. For days after there were bees sadly buzzing around the final broken bits of stem looking for food. It was the final straw in a series of incidents and was the one thing we'd specifically told her not to touch.

She's not stepped foot in our house since. I don't regret it.

This sounds like a simple solution to me, what do you think @Starrmix ?

Her complete lack of ability to respect your wishes would drive me around the bend.

That said, I wash everything on 60c without any issues.

You, madam, are a heathen and should be banished to outer space, never to be allowed back.

I would agree with this. As a child I could never understand why my school jumpers were shiny and shapeless and all my friends’ weren’t. I now realise it was due to my mother’s unswerving belief that everything could be tumble dried. She never once questioned why jumpers went in one shape and came out another.

On the other end of the scale, as a student I lived with a girl who declared one of her bras ruined when it came out of the washing machine. Looked fine to me, but it wasn’t my bra, so….🤷‍♀️

@Doteycat

"My relationship with anyone is based on respect and boundaries. And If you don't respect my things then you clearly don't deserve a relationship with me.
Some people have such low standards of what they tolerate from others."

Good god, the constant mantra of respect and boundaries never ceases to amaze me. If that is all your life is based on It's a wonder you have any interpersonal relationships with other human beings. As for some people having low standards of what they tolertate from others. Jesus woman, we're talking about a disabled widow here and the OP's actual mother ffs. I would be extremely happy not to deserve a relationship with you.

Ours looks like the control deck of the USS Enterprise,DP has no idea how it works.

Banning mum is extreme. But mum should listen when told to stay away from the laundry! FFS I love my parents but I don’t need them seeing my worn knickers.

I wish my kids would ban me from doing their washing 🤣

I have an adult dd and I would be really upset if I realised I had ruined her stuff like this, I certainly wouldn't be doing it again and again like this lady. Shes not respecting your home or your wishes she's not left you much choice here other than not letting her in the house! If it is a case of her needing to feel "useful" in some way, is there another non- damaging task you could allocate to her?