I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

But surely you would be a bit pissed off if a relative had ruined an item worth £300 despite being repeatedly told to stay away from it?

Why are people saying 40 degree washes won't ruin clothes? It depends on the clothes FFS.
Clothes which are hand wash only will get wrecked. Woollen jumpers could shrink. Other delicates can get damaged.
Most of my clothes are fine to be washed at 40 but there are a few items that can't.

I think it's quite harsh to ban her but I can see that nothing else has seemed to work. You could perhaps let her back in a week or so but tell her that if she touches laundry again she'll be banned again.
I don't understand why people keep doing something they have been asked/told not to do, unless she is doing it deliberately to sabotage.

And another who hasn't a bulls notion what she's talking about.
God the constant ignorant whine of its your mother is mindless.
And its so so obvious what kind of people think this behaviour is ok.
The kind that perpetrate it.

To answer your question, I don’t think there is cognitive decline. My mum has always been “a bull in a china shop”. Not careful with anything, not noticing if she damages something, not appreciative of quality. She thinks I’m insane for spending £40 on a jumper because you can get one from Matalan for £12.

I don’t think she could do charity work to keep her occupied unfortunately. She walks with a stick and wouldn’t be physically capable. She receives disability benefits precisely because she isn’t capable. But she can manage to potter round the house and I think she wants to feel useful.

I can’t unplug the washer or lock the power socket anyway, because the washer is built in and the back isn’t accessible unless you pull the machine right out. I could hide the soap but it just seems ridiculous when really she just needs to leave my stuff alone.

I don't know, could you not use a stair gate or something to keep her out of the kitchen/utility or wherever your washing machine is?

More seriously: banning her from the house seems a bit extreme but I get why you feel that way and it's the complete disrespect for boundaries that is the issue.

Even when I was a teenager I would be upset if my mum/dad touched certain things of mine and didn't respect them. No way would I put up with it as an adult.

In all my years of doing laundry - must be around 35 now - I have never yet managed to “ruin” a garment by washing on a 40 degree wash. Just been lucky I guess. Where do you purchase these multiple fragile garments that don’t stand up to perfectly normal temperature water?

She sounds like a nightmare.

If it was just the laundry thing, that would be a very strange one off.

But the issue is that she doesn't respect your boundaries eg. feeding the kids sweets and dog human food, looking at post etc.

Have you ever set a boundary with her that she has consistently respected?

You are definitely not being unreasonable setting a very clear boundary that if she doesn't stop doing washing (or overriding your wishes with your kids, dogs, etc), that she will not be welcome. That is entirely reasonable, and well done. Either she'll start respecting your boundaries so she can still be involved in your life, or she will sulk endlessly and make a lot of misery and drama. From experience with similar relatives, I suspect the latter, but I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope she learns to respect you and your wishes for the sake of your relationship.

@Starrmix
I think you need to start looking at things she can do outside your home. I agree it shouldn't be your responsibility but you will get the benefits from it. Even if it's only for one session a week it will help with her loneliness and need to feel wanted.

Is there something she would like to try, eg art class or book club?
Go on local council and newspaper websites to look for coffee mornings or knit & natter groups, or toddler groups or library needing volunteers.
Failing that see if your GP has a social prescriber she could see. They might be able to refer her to a gentle exercise class for disabled people so she could meet people similar to herself that she could befriend/help.
Is there a warm hub being set up near her that she could go to for a free cup of tea and meet others for a natter?

She’s doing it because she thinks the OP is wrong, that her clothes aren’t / won’t be ruined, and that eventually the OP will stop being so silly and just accept that her mum is right.

@Starrmix -is- there any chance of getting your mum out to help in an external organisation? It really sounds like she needs an outlet for mothering.

Otherwise it sounds like what you're doing is the only option. Giving the dog human food regularly is probably not good for the dog, depending on what she's giving it. The sweets thing would drive me mad. You seem to be able to take breaking most things in your stride, so that's something.

Would writing a letter to her help? Sometimes that can get through when speaking can't. Otherwise you're left with simple, unpleasant but necessary conditioning: you wash things when I've asked you not to, you don't come back for three weeks.

Despite what some people here seem to think, from what you've said it's clear you do love her. I hope you can find a way forward.

They're available at any decent non-synthetic clothes store.

This really made me laugh 😆

An elderly woman being corralled as though a rambunctious toddler or out of control dog!

Any recommendations?

Ignore the trolls OP. They like attention. YANBU.

Her using your sky tv etc thing, does her playing with your dog, kids and hoovering not make up for that? Yanbu because it irritates you that much so I get it but to a lot of us your mum sounds amazing!! I wish my mum lived nearby ( but yes I get it’s annoying). Also I do all my washing at 40, some at 30 when I can but mostly 40.

She thinks I’m insane for spending £40 on a jumper because you can get one from Matalan for £12

I asked above why on earth would someone keep doing it when asked not to. Then you posted this. I think she's doing this deliberately to prove a point - ie. the more expensive jumper isn't worth the money if it gets wrecked on a 40 degree wash.

Example of a sweater I’ve been considering buying. It’s a perfectly ordinary British high street store selling average quality wool jumpers. It’s dry clean only. You will probably get away with a gentle hand wash. Putting it in the washer would totally ruin it.

If your sweaters go in a 40c wash… sorry but they’re not wool, they’re made of plastic acrylic.

https://www.cos.com/en_gbp/women/womenswear/knitwear/product.button-embellished-striped-wool-jumper-beige.1190829002.html

I sympathise, OP. Had this with my MIL who used to let herself in while we were at work and take any laundry back to her house. She's an absolutely lovely woman and it was very kindly meant, but rather than helping it made life so much more difficult. Inevitably we'd need something urgently like a PE kit or bit of school uniform and only realise we didn't have it in the morning. Then I'd have to make a mad dash to hers before the school run. Or we'd lose something like a school jumper, but not bother looking for it because we'd just presume it was at her house. Honestly, it was so stressful.

I would tell her there was honestly no need for her to do it, but think she thought I was just being polite. Eventually my DH had to step in and tell her because we were having to hide our washing in black bin bags in the wardrobe - total madness.

I don't know, could you not use a stair gate or something to keep her out of the kitchen/utility or wherever your washing machine is?
She would just open the gate? 😂

A portcullis?

I'm a widow, I'm disabled, I don't go round to people's houses and do housework when they expressly told me not to! The OP is pretty generous with her time and company, there's just one thing she doesn't want her mum to do and that's reasonable. Being a widow/disabled is irrelevant to respecting other people's wishes about housework!

Oh I know, OP! You mentioned you had a dog. Could you train it to guard the washing machine? Bark in a scary manner whenever anyone approached who wasn’t you?

What point are they missing @FloorIt ?

SO, OP's mother is not only ruining her clothes when she's been told repeatedly not to, but invading OP's privacy by reading her letters, giving the children sweets when she's been told not to, risking the dog's health by feeding it human food when she's been told not to. Mum seems like she has a big issue with control, accountability and boundaries. What else will she violate? OP is not prioritising "things" but prioritising "healthy boundaries" for her and her children.