I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

you don't have a single item made of wool? this is such an odd comment.

Your mum sounds very lonely. Maybe try and get her more involved in other things with other people - clubs, chat cafes, etc, to help her.

I think that the issue of the washing is a red herring.
Your mother is totally disrespecting you and treating you like a child.

She is doing these things for her own benefit not for you.

I can totally understand your frustration as my mum has done similar in the past.

Maybe if you want to see her either go to her house or meet her somewhere maybe for a coffee.

How is it loving to ignore OP's requests for how her own property is treated?

There are literally people with the same mentality as your mother on here posting. 🙄

Defending the indefensible and completely missing the point.

Maybe this is a cultural thing but I find your mums behaviour quite cute and caring. The results are annoying for you I understand but she is coming from a good place. In my culture, parents co-exist around their adults kids' family lives (agreed there are pros and cons to this and it may not be everyone's cup of tea at all). But.. I think one needs to be a bit cognizant of parents' needs and challenges as they grow old - its almost childlike behaviour as cognitive abilities decline / need to be useful and busy increases so she is trying to be helpful in a not so helpful way. It seems she is also lonely and is craving some time with you and your family. Banning her is a bit harsh, and if laundry is the only problem, just have a secret laundry bag hidden where she can't access and that will solve the problem. Ageing parents are a bit like children, they need time to change their ways, sometimes misbehave / cause trouble, but as fully functioning adults we need to be kind/ more tolerant to their idiosynchrasies (just like you would be to your kids). I am not trying to undermine the problem or your feelings but just giving a different perspective... hope that helps :)

This is bollocks 40c as opposed to 30c isn't going to destroy clothes. A 60c or higher wash might affect them.

You ought to rethink buying the clothes you do if they're destroyed that easily.

I'm actually crying here that people think OP should live under siege in her own home and make all manner of prison living arrangements such as locking and bolting things and hiding things and other subterfuges! Good lord!

I'm 'on the spectrum' and this type of mind blowing game playing is quite incomprehensible to me. What happened to open honest direct communication, clear boundaries, and a refusal to play games? It can be done kindly and lovingly.

You think she wouldn't know how to put the plug back in?

OP, YANBU and I can't believe how many people think you should be treating your mother like a child by hiding the laundry from her, rather than your mother treating you like an adult by respecting your wish that she leave your laundry the fuck alone.

I don't even have that many clothes that need special treatment, but I am incredibly territorial about laundry and would lose my shit if anyone made free with ours, however helpfully intended.

Turn off the mains electric when she visits

LOL

Unfortunately @ASGIRC , there are many people like @Lavinia56 who cannot fathom that some mothers are anything but "dear".

"A person who can even contemplate banning their mum from their house is despicable". Fuck off @Lavinia56 and educate yourself. The only disgraceful reaction on this thread is yours.

My MIL used to do this. She would go into the room I was staying in at her house, or go into our apartment room when were were on holiday with them in the past, and pick up our stuff and put it in a hot wash. She has ruined loads of my clothes.

One she ruined a beautiful cream dress I had by putting it into a way with her blue cheapo T shirt. It came out tye dyed. She also ruined a gorgeous white boho cheese cloth blouse I had years ago, my favourite top, by putting it in the heater dryer. It came out like it would fit a teddy.

It comes from a place of, "You don't know what you are doing. I'll do it because you are useless. I know better".

When she wrecked my favourite dress, I went nuts and she has never touched my stuff since.

This is not a laundry problem.
This is a control problem.

For those who suggested Stately Homes, I agree. Go find that thread OP and you will find many versions of this problem.

Your DM does not see you as a separate person to herself, but as her child to control and do as she wishes with. Now you are an adult that control takes the form of interference and emotional blackmail. She derives satisfaction from playing the Mother role long after it is no longer suitable and should have evolved into a more adult to adult relationship. That is why she is not listening to you and is determinedly destroying the nice things you have obtained by being a responsible, autonomous, successful adult. This might not be conscious but it’s definitely there and is a form of emotional immaturity.

What others have said about boundaries is spot on. Maintain them. It is also true she needs distraction and that these tendencies could be better channeled, but she might not want that. It’s easier to continue to play a long held family role and bully or ignore family who won’t (until now) hold you accountable as any other adult would. Would she do that to anyone else? No. That is because she thinks it’s her right to ignore you and she knows better. You have to assert your own wishes.

And for what it’s worth, DH shrunk a precious white jacket of mine on a 40 wash - he didn’t mean to, it was an accident as he does more laundry than me and does it excellently - but to the people who say no harm comes of a 40 wash - bullshit. You are gaslighting the OP. She’s not making it up and she has every right to be pissed off.

Many newer washing machines have a child lock which can be a button combination - might that work?

This has got to be a joke! 100%!

Miaow OP.

I do own expensive clothes, ethical sustainable fabrics, organic textured cotton, among others - a 40c wash won't destroy it.

By destroy as you saying they come out shredded or? So bizarre.

OP has done this repeatedly 🤷‍♀️

she is coming from a good place.

But she isn't. That's the point.

She's been asked repeatedly to leave the laundry alone because OP actively desires her not to do it. To continue to go against a person's express wishes and guilt trip them over it is not to come from a good place. Whose wishes is she prioritising?

I think it's fine. It's not an overreaction to a single incident, it's the latest in a long line of incidents because she can't follow a basic instruction to do nothing.

6 month ban for OPs mum and around Easter maybe she can come round again and see if she can stay out of the laundry. If not, if OP even sees her walking towards the laundry basket, then it's a 12 month ban.

My washing machine doesn’t have a 30 (it’s old but I love it!)

we also have lots of wool or cashmere. I just stretch it back out again. I’ve not ruined one yet because you can just chuck it in the sink. Wet it and it stretches out again

The concept is quite simple for those that don't quite get it.
Mum I've asked you not to do my laundry. You are welcome here for tea and chats but do not do my laundry.
Oh sorry love I'm going to do as I please.
OK then I will have to stop u coming over entirely as u are ignoring my requests in my own home.

Ops mum has chosen this herself.

What part of that do some people not get?

My MIL did this when she stayed with us. Randomly went into our laundry basket and put a wash on for us. What she didn’t realise was that all the delicates were in there.

My beautiful silk cardigan, DH’s best cashmere jumper and my scarf were all ruined. Then she was mightily offended because I wasn’t grateful. Over £400 of damage.

I feel your pain. Can you put the kiddilock on your machine?

40 degree C wash is very normal
Really delicate stuff needs hand washing only.
It’s a strange situation-
I’d physically lock the laundry 🧺 away in another room.

Banning her seems extreme..

But if she learns it might be the only way.

Has she cognitive decline?

I've never done my daughter's laundry actually. Your assumption is incorrect. (All your assumptions, including the fact that you appear to think that I 'endure all sorts' from my family.

It's interesting how you know so much more about me and my family than I do myself.