I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

Pumpkinpie1 · Today 11:20
I think you are over egging the pudding with this post.
A 40degree wash wouldn’t destroy hundreds of pounds worth of clothes.
Just unplug your washing machine when she visits if it bothers you so much

I ruined two of my son's work sweaters by accidentally washing at 40 degrees. One was about £90, the other £175. They were nice wool/cashmere ones. AND NOW THEY ARE TINY TEDDY BEAR SIZED.

I think there's every need. Some of the replies on here are absolute batshit.

Eg:
The OP must be lying/exaggerating about washing being ruined (because apparently some people believe that as they've never had clothes that would be ruined by a 40 degree wash, it can't possibly happen). Batshit.

The OP is being despicable by banning her mother and should instead take measures in her own home to physically prevent her mother from doing the laundry, rather than her mother having some bloody respect and listening to what she has been repeatedly asked. Batshit.

It sounds like the OP has been very generous with her time and access to her home, but her mother just won't listen and respect boundaries.

OP I wouldn't put up with this either, and as you've repeatedly asked, and she's ignored you, I'd have done the same thing.

Early onset dementia?
Fixated on how she sees the world?

Very much a grass is greener viewpoint. My mum is very attached to me. Everything I want to do that is entirely reasonable is met with tears and tantrums. E.g. go on holiday without her, go to DHs family on christmas alternative years, not spend NYE with her, had a literal calender of time spent with DHs family vs her. Its all 'all I ever wanted is to be a mum, i gave up everything to dedicate myself to being your mum and you can't even spend X with me, I gave up everything else to be your mum I have nothing else so I'll be all alone'.

It's not being a loving mother. Its over-attachement. Unhealthy, emotional blackmail. Control. What OPs mum is doing is not being a 'loving mother' its being an interfering busybody that ignores all boundaries because she thinks she knows best.

Oh @Starrmix you are describing my mil. It started when she first got divorced and needed something to do, she would come round and empty the washing basket and take it back to hers to wash, iron and ruin. I would go to get dressed and have no jeans because she had taken them to wash. She then started to do our bedding, and the kids, then someone would puke in the night and she'd have all the spare bedding at her house. Drove me FUCKING mental. I told her repeatedly it wasn't helpful but she still did it. It has taken years to get to this point where she now sort of gets it.

She still brings food over all the time which really annoys me because we have a plan for the week and then she turns up with a load of stuff that can't be frozen and it's just a waste of food and money.

She has stopped the washing though.

Interestingly she didn't do it with SIL.

We have locks on most of the internal doors in the house. I fitted one for my lodger, then a friend told me she has them on most of the rooms as an additional layer of security, so I fitted a few more. We lock the doors when we go on holiday.
In your position I would put a lock on your bedroom door and keep your laundry basket in there.
Not sure what to do about the washing machine - depends where it is in the house. (My DD's washing machine is in a cupboard in her hallway that adjoins her bathroom, DS's is in a small utility room just off the kitchen. So if I was like your mum, they could both fit locks). If it is in your kitchen that is a bit more difficult.

It sounds like you are the type to do your daughters laundry, despite being asked time and again not to!

I have a GREAT relationship with most people in my family (step sisters excluded), because they arent bellends. Thats it. Pretty simple! My mom is not banned from my house, because, if she comes over and I ask her not to do something, she wont!

OP has asked many times for her mom to stop doing what shes doing.
Also, she hasnt cut relationswith her mom. Its the mom who isnt speaking to OP. Im sure OP is fine to go to her house and hang out.
She just wants her mother to NOT DO HER LAUNDRY!

It is not helping when youve expressed that you dont want the help! It is controlling behaviour.

Your attitude is the disgraceful one, as what you are saying is akin to saying that, since they are family, you need to endure all sorts, regardless of what it costs you, both in money and in mental health! And that is borderline abusive behaviour.

I think you are right to ban her for a while. It will hopefully make an impression on her that she can't ignore this time. It may also open her to a conversation about finding her own interests and life outside of you and your family.

But I would have removed the wash basket long before now and put it somewhere she can't get at it. Yes, it is your home and you shouldn't have to. But I would rather have non-ruined clothes myself than stick to the principle.

All those people who can't imagine having clothes that are ruined at 40 degrees - is it really so hard to imagine that people have clothing made of different materials to what you have? That some fabrics need more gentle care than the ones you buy? I never understand why some MN posters have such trouble understanding that other people can live different lives to them...

Pure Silk is a bastard to wash, it needs gentle hand washing, rinsed really well, it can’t be spun dry or else it creases like a scrunched up waxed paper, the creases won’t iron out fully. To avoid this it needs rolling up in a dry towel to get the excess water out then pulled into shape and dried flat out of direct sunlight. Silk has a tendency to rot.
I don’t buy silk. Worked with it many times during my dressmaking career though.

My washing machine has a child lock on it. You have to press a series of seemingly random buttons in order to unlock the keypad. Should be enough to thwart the average pensioner?

Also YANBU. Your mum is bonkers.

Amazon sell washing machine locks for a variety of makes of washing machines

My washing machine in itself would be enough to thwart my mother. It look me hours to learn how to operate the thing! They're definitely not as easy to use as they were ten years ago.

I genuinely am boggled by some of the replies here 😂

OP shouldn't have to change anything about her house!! She's asked an adult to not do something in the house. That's the be all and end all, it shouldn't need locked laundry baskets / doors / removed items to make her listen. It's disrespectful to the OP to dismiss her and ignore her wishes. She's been more than lovely letting her mum come round to use the tv / internet / coffee machine, asking her not to touch the washing is a simple easy to follow request.

Hopefully some time apart will switch your mums thinking!

I think I would do as a PP suggested and remove the detergent drawer from the washer, and put it with the iron where she won't find it.

Get a smart plug and plug the washer into it. Then you can turn the power off using your phone, and only turn it on when you want to use the washer.

I agree. I have three cashmere sweaters. I've had them for over two to three years and they are in absolutely perfect condition. I save them in the laundry basket until they've all been worn, along with cashmere socks, hats and gloves, for either a hand-wash day, or a non spin cold wash in the machine.

If they were put on an automatic 40 deg with full spin they'd be absolutely ruined.

It's not just the temperature, it can mean over laundering on a cycle that's too long, which causes the yarns to break down or pill.

It could be too harsh a powder on the fibres, or too much stress on a normal spin cycle.

That'd be at least £450 in one wash to replace the items new.

How lovely,but not everyone is in the same boat as you.

This sounds really annoying, and a bit weird!

My mam does do folding for us when she's up but I'm sure she'd stop if I asked her. I can't believe she won't stop.

I don't think I'd ban her for long. It might give her the 'shock' to see that you mean it? Also unplug the washing machine when she is over.

The laundry is a red herring. The issue is your Mum doesn't have a life. She needs to create her own social circle, routines etc so she is not living her life via you and your family.

Honestly I would stop buying expensive clothes that need special care. I don’t own anything that can’t be washed at 40c. I know it’s a sacrifice but surely worth it? Or alternatively you could just keep the stuff that needs a special wash in a separate container in a wardrobe or cupboard. I’m so glad my adult dc aren’t this precious.

@Marthawhochanged

Early onset dementia?
Fixated on how she sees the world?

I think these things should be considered

Also a mother who is afraid of perhaps becoming irrelevant

She won’t be around forever and very soon May need someone to look after her in the way she thinks she is ‘looking after’ you

Yes and I wouldn’t put up with it either! But that wasn’t the point I was making! You don’t have to say to someone that they obviously don’t own any decent clothes. People are trying to give alternatives to banning her mum from her home because otherwise, if no alternative suggestions were required, what’s the point of posting! The situation IS ridiculous, hence the ridiculous replies. A lot of people are actually trying to help, no need to be snarky with them. This isn’t about a ruined jumper it’s about a mother who doesn’t respect her daughter’s boundaries. The thing is, OP initially put the emphasis on the ruined washing, that’s why people were suggesting locking the basket, taking the plug off etc because they were trying to help. If OP has already 100% made her mind up that her mum is banned from the house, that’s a decision that’s been made, no need to report your decision to Mumsnet. I’d you want opinions or suggestions, well that’s what OP was given.

Worth it for what? What does OP get out of not buying the things she likes?

Why don’t you post pics of the damaged garments? I don’t think anyone is struggling with the concept of a pricey wool jumper, it’s more that rarely are well made garments damaged beyond repair.

My DM also used to be obsessed with doing my washing. I found it very intrusive especially when she would reorganise stuff.

She very obviously wanted to carry on mothering despite me being in my late 30s.

Key difference was she was actually good at it so eventually I got over it and let her crack on.

If she'd been destroying my possessions I'd have felt differently.