I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

It’s not like banning her was your first resort
This has gone on for a few years. We go through cycles where she ruins something expensive, I get annoyed and she huffs off. Then we make friends and agree she will leave the laundry alone. It lasts a few weeks but eventually she can’t help herself. She starts washing “just the school uniforms”. I firmly say no, stop it. Then she washes “just the towels”. I firmly say no. Then she does a wash that has some items which should be washed at 30 but they seem to have survived being washed at 40. I tell her off but she takes no notice. Until eventually she does a wash that has an expensive item in it which gets totally ruined and we’re back to square one.

I absolutely lost it yesterday because it was multiple expensive items at once, so ruining that wash cost hundreds of pounds in one fell swoop. That was when I said she wouldn’t be allowed in my home again because she wouldn’t abide by my wishes.

Levis.

I know it’s not the point of the thread, but I’m amazed at all the washing at 40° people do.

I never wash at 40° except on the very odd occasion that I use the “quick wash” on which the temperature can’t be reduced.

I wash everything cold except for sheets, towels, tea towels and dishcloths, which are done at 60°.

There is no benefit to washing at 40° over cold, and it’s just a waste of energy.

(Also, I have accidentally shrunk woollen sweaters by washing them on cold on the “delicate” cycle rather than the “wool” cycle.)

Just gave a chat with her
<drama>

@LookItsMeAgain that's it's not really about the clothes (although annoying to have so many ruined) and more about the not listening and OP's mom just doing what she wants even though she's been asked not to, many times.

What relevance is it as to what clothes the OP owns?

Her money, her choice.

Or should we all walk about in sackcloth (that can be washed at 40°)

I wash everything on 40

I guess the OP hasn’t tried that.

<poor reading skills>

Good for you.

Yes OP, why didn't you think of this? Boy, I bet you feel silly now!

If it was my parents I would stick a big bit of paper over the washing machine with “Back off Mum” on it.

Maybe a different four letter word tbh

OP is an adult. OP's mother is also an adult. She's been asked nicely not to do things, as she is causing issues. It doesn't matter who she is, she does not have the right to come into someone else's home if she cannot do as she's been asked and is causing problems.
I have experience of this- my cat is overweight. My vet has advised no treats and only two meals of a special diet per day, as otherwise her health is at risk.
Every time my dad comes around he feeds her cheese, nibbles, bits of meat. I've told him not to, as it has on occasions made her vomit. He does it anyway.
My MIL was told not to feed the kids sweets just before dinner, that is my rule as otherwise they would not eat a healthy meal. They can have the sweets after the meal. She did it anyway. To the point where she was hiding biscuits up her sleeve so I wouldn't catch her. That is downright rude and disrespectful and undermining my parenting.
It doesn't matter that it's her mother. It doesn't matter what the mother's intention is. It doesn't matter what the reasons behind the boundaries are. That does not excuse the continual and repeated rudeness and sheer audacity that's going on here.
If someone tells you that something you have done has caused them hurt or distress you APOLOGISE, LEARN and COMMIT TO DOING BETTER. End of story.

😬

I have had a couple of friends who Were Always Doing The Washing. I don't know why. And we went on holiday with my BIL and SIL, self-catering for a week, and SIL put at least two washloads on while we were there, whereas I took a couple of changes of clothes for our DC, and was not too bothered if clothes got dirty with clean dirt, ie not food.

You have set a boundary, and stated the boundary to your DM. Yet she has repeatedly crossed it.

So, quite rightly, you have put a consequence in place for crossing that boundary. With the added bonus of some clear headspace, because she isn't in your house. This sounds like it frees up several hours thinking time a week for you.

I would suggest not rushing into talking further about it with her. For now, just concentrate on maintaining your boundaries. Carry on as you would like to be living, for a week or so. By then, you may have thought of possible ways forward, and may be able to speak about your boundaries with her. Or you may decide it isn't time yet.

Why isn't the OP entitled to nice things just because her mother is being ridiculously stubborn?

Have you read any of the OP's posts, @overwhelmed2023? 🤔

These replies are getting more batshit by the minute.

How do you rescue a shrunken matted jumper?

How do you put silk back into shape when the fibres are damaged?

By her actions your mother is showing a profound lack of respect to you. She knows your wishes but deliberately ignores them. I would also ban her.

CUTE???

Totally batshit.

And there's nothing cute about feeding human food to dogs - it can kill them!

Where did you get your textile degree?

Dear God, who are these people?
I wonder if they have ever shared a rental property with other people? Doubtless they were able to explain to their flatmates that they (the flatmates) shouldn't buy expensive clothes. And give them advice on how to do the laundry

And @Starrmix's DM doesn't even live in @Starrmix's house!

You're asking people who cant comprehend that a dial on a washing machine has more than one setting, and insist that instead of making the hugely unreasonable effort to turn it a cm or so to the right people should instead buy hessian that you can boil with fucking abandon.

HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES? (sorry, not sorry)

There are various materials that are ruined by hot water/vigorous washing
There are various dyes that won't stand up to hot water/vigorous washing

Why is this SO hard to understand?

Not everyone buys their clothes from Primark or wears 100% polyester all the time

I wonder if all those posters who think the OP is being unreasonable would be so tolerant if it was this scenario in their home. And it was their MIL not their mum.

You are so sure that you’re right OP. Why even start this thread?

it’s constantly elderly interfering mothers these days.