I’ve banned my mum from my house

[Starrmix]

My mum doesn’t respect me or my wishes. For example, she thinks all clothes go on a 40c wash and won’t listen when I repeatedly tell her that’s not the case. Some of my clothes (and DH and DC) are hand wash only. Some go on a 30c wash, or a cold wash, etc. My mum shoves them all in a 40c wash and destroys them. Then she hangs them on the line and clumsily catches them on a bush and rips a hole. Or she irons them and burns them, or melts the print off the front.

These are usually the expensive items which need special care, so she’s ruining hundreds of pounds worth of clothes, over and over, even after repeatedly being told to keep her hands off and leave my fucking laundry alone. I received an expensive designer sweater for my birthday, I wore it once and my mum shoved it in a 40c wash and destroyed it. When I complained she said “well you shouldn’t have put it in the laundry basket”. It’s my fucking laundry basket, in my own house, and I’ll put my sweater where I like! It belongs in the laundry basket until I decide to hand wash it!

I’ve told her to leave my laundry alone but she won’t listen. She’s putting it in the machine when I pop out to walk the dog, or when I jump in the shower, or when I’m sitting on the sofa with the iPad and I think she’s just in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea.

I asked her why she keeps doing it, and she said “well it needs doing, you aren’t going to have any clothes for work next week, DC won’t have any clean school jumpers”. And I say “But that’s MY problem, it’s none of your business whether we have clean clothes or not!”

Anyway I’ve asked for a replacement designer sweater for Christmas and DH has refused, because he said it’s a waste of money as my mum will destroy it after one wear. So basically I’m now not allowed to have nice clothes because she won’t fucking leave them alone.

Yesterday (my day off, my mum had come over and was having a cuppa) I filled the washer with clothes for a delicate wash then the doorbell rang. So I answered the door and forgot to go back and put the washer on. My mum “helpfully” put the washer on for me. On a 40c wash. I realised a couple of hours later… £250 of clothes totally destroyed. So I have banned my mum from my house. She isn’t allowed to come here any more. It’s the only way I can stop her from doing my laundry. Needless to say she’s crying and isn’t speaking to me. But what else can I do to stop her?

Does your mum also do ironing/cooking window washing? If so, tell her she's welcome at mines for a cuppa 😊

She isn't respecting a boundary, that is the problem. Removing her from the house for the moment is fine, whilst you work out a solution.

hide it, in a suitcase,
the delicate non 40 degree wash

Hide the soap drawer in a high-up cupboard?

Blu-tac a sign to the washing machine saying "DO NOT USE"

YANBU
I'm surprised at some of the answers on here. Shes consistently violated a reasonable boundary you had in place. If she can't respect your wishes then she can't come in your home any more. It doesnt matter that she's only trying to help or she's your mother... you've repeatedly tried to speak to her about it and she constantly ignores you.

Let's get this clear.

Children do not owe their parents anything.

There is nothing 'materialistic' or 'shallow' about wanting someone else not to ruin things that you have worked bloody hard for and purchased because they make you feel good. It's not unpleasant to not want your things to be ruined by someone else.

OP, could you buy a second house your mum doesn’t know about and keep the washing machine there?

Nope not in the slightest.
Another post from you showing how little you know.
Im very happy, have a wonderful family and a lovely lovely life.
You however, sound quite dysfunctional. I do feel sorry for people like you.
Ye dont know any better.

lol at posters saying that banning her from your house is extreme, as if destroying hundreds if not thousands of pounds worth of clothing when you’ve been repeatedly asked and told not to isn’t extreme.

and yes, it’s easy to destroy some materials by washing them at 40 degrees. Your mother has totally ignored your wishes and destroyed your belongings. It’s not like banning her was your first resort. Her being your mother does not give her the right to do what she’s doing without consequence.

Sezane
Cos
Reiss
Everlane

My mum also needs to feel useful. She can also be a liability if left free range. I give her jobs to do.

Could you give her chores - ironing, pastry making, clean the loo ..................

I do love her. I just can’t afford to replace expensive clothing that she’s repeatedly ruining.

What I actually said to her was “I’m happy for you to do laundry as long as you follow the care instructions. If it says 30/delicate/cold/hand on the label then it needs to go in that type of wash. If you aren’t capable of following the care instructions then you need to leave the laundry alone, because it’s not acceptable to keep putting everything in a 40c wash as you’re destroying our clothes”. She said care labels were nonsense and she’s never bothered with them in her life, so I said fine then you don’t touch the laundry at all.

She has taken no notice and is still putting everything in a 40c wash. She has got away with it several times because the clothes came out ok. But yesterday she cost me £250 so I lost my temper and said “why don’t you listen to me when I say NO! If you can’t leave my laundry alone you won’t be allowed to come in my house”. So she has huffed off.

Lashing out, god its such a trait of those kinds of people.
When people like the ops mother have a mirror held up to them, or their behaviour is called out, they tend to get nasty, or call people rude or get upset saying how cld you be so mean.
They are such a cliche.
Maybe some should head over the the stately homes thread and learn some truths.

@Sladurche

"giving the children sweets when she's been told not to, risking the dog's health by feeding it human food"

Yep, women like this deserve the short, sharp shock treatment (bonus points if they are widowed, disabled and your own mother). Who ever heard of a grandmother giving her GC sweets, or sneaking the dog a bit of yorkshire pudding? Fucking unforgiveable. Banning - ha! I could think of much better punishments.

Have you not read the OP ? OP has told her repeatedly not to touch the laundry and she goes right ahead and does it anyway. That’s not being helpful it’s indicative of a problem. And I have delicate stuff - silks and a couple of cashmere tops that would absolutely be ruined on a 40 degree wash.

OP how old is your mum, and is she displaying any other odd behaviour ? Because this seems like a failure to process certain information and it could indicate some form of dementia. You might want to get that checked out. My own mum has vascular dementia and this is pretty similar to the early behaviour I noticed.

OP this thread has cheered me up. My mum doesn't have a key to my house because she does things like rearranges kitchen cupboards etc. She actually steals my dirty laundry and keeps things at her house 'for when the grandkids come round' without asking or telling me. I think she likes to have the kids clothes drying in her house, but it is weird catching someone trying to sneak a bag of your dirty laundry out of the house without you noticing.
Best of luck to you with asserting boundaries.

Glad you finally see the light and the op is right to ban her.

Worked in fashion retail for almost 20 years… the amount of people we have trying to return things that have been ruined in the wash because they haven’t followed instructions is unbelievable! The temp on the label is there for a reason, it’s to make sure the item is not ruined in the wash, stays in nice condition and lasts as long as it should!

I would stop putting emphasis on the clothes.. its to do with the mum not respecting someone's wishes...
You have said she doesn't see anything wrong with she's doing. Why is this? Could she have some sort of compulsion with washing?.
By what you say she seems very lonely and probably feeling useless so tries to do these tasks to put meaning in her life and have a purpose.
Could you try doing her a list of things you need doing maybe give her a pile of clothes to sew or ask her to knit you a scarf etc or put a puzzle out saying you are struggling with it...
You could just take fuse out of washing machine it slips in and out x

It's not such an odd thread and I think OP and I share a mother. In fact I had my own MN thread a few years ago which was almost identical. OP, I think we share a mother.

I don't know what it is but my mum seems to believe the washing machine must be on at all times otherwise she has failed as a woman, wife, mother etc. She lives abroad so tends to visit and stay with me for 3-4 weeks each year and I swear the laundry has been the root of all arguments, issues and resentment.

Every single thing is put on a hot wash with extra spin and quite a few items of clothing have been ruined. I do remember, as a teenager, picking up clothes I liked in shops and mum would always check the care instructions before telling me that I couldn't possibly have that because it's too complicated. Now I'm an adult I choose my own clothes and am happy to put in the time and effort for separating them into different wash types and even handwashing where needed.

In almost exactly the same situation, OP, DH had bought me a beautiful jumper as a birthday gift. I'd been after one like it for ages. I wore it a handful of times and unfortunately my mum was present when I put it in the laundry basket ready for its very first, and, as it turned out, one and only wash. It came out looking like a doll's jumper. Shrunk to an unwearable extent. What angered me was that my mum never apologised; she just went straight on the defensive saying that I buy stupid clothes and it serves me right. This also came after about two years of arguing about the bloody laundry as other, not so special, things were getting ruined.

I tried unplugging but she just plugged it back in and went on her merry way. I've begged and pleaded with her to leave the laundry alone but she was "only trying to help". Eventually I took the really simple decision to bundle up the more delicate clothes in a nondescript carrier bag at the back of my wardrobe and only put underwear, jeans, towels and robust clothes in the basket. As soon as I get home from work, I dash to my bedroom get a pile of "my" laundry and get it in the machine on the correct setting. This has worked for a few years now. She seems puzzled but hasn't questioned it. The only blip, and it was a huge one, was that I once made the mistake of emptying my bag back into the laundry basket on the day she was leaving. She literally had a taxi picking her up in 15 minutes and I though, "what harm can she do?". Then I went for a quick pee. DH said he tried to stop her but she swooped immediately and threw handfuls of clothing into the machine. This included my favourite woollen dress which came out threadbare. I actually cried over that dress. Doesn't mean I love my mum any less or tha the dress is more important than our relationship. I wasn't even angry with her, more with myself for letting it happen.

I was thinking exactly the same thing

It's starting to sound like she doesn't want to be useful or even mother you, she just wants to prove that she is and has always been "right" about how to do laundry. If she's never owned anything that couldn't go in a 40 degree mixed wash then she might feel that your preference for other clothes is somehow a slight on her, and she wants to stick it all in together on 40 to prove that her way is "right". Which it might well be for what she chooses to wear, but not for you.

And if she can't see that something is ruined just because it's in one piece, that'll be proof to her that she's "right".

I think taking the soap drawer out of the machine is a good idea. It would drive me crazy though that she ignores my wishes. Agree that dementia might be a reason that she feels compelled to do your laundry

Her mother is choosing obstinance over family relations.

What about that?

Being an 'old' mum doesn't give you carte blanche to do exactly as you want and to trample over other people

@Starrmix - I absolutely understand your anger and frustration! During a cost of living crisis, who has the money to repeatedly replace ruined clothing, when all your mum had to do was listen the first time you said 'Please don't do the laundry - you are ruining our clothes'.

Have you added up the full cost of all the clothes she has ruined? I'd like to think that, if you had told her how much she's cost you, that might get the message through, but sadly, based on what you've said here, I think that is far too optimistic of me.

I've got adult children, with homes of their own, and there is no way I'd act as if I knew best, and my way was the only way, in their homes! One of my sons and his wife have our first grandchild, and of course they are doing things differently to the way I did them - and I wouldn't dream of telling them they're doing it wrong, or doing things they don't want me to do. My job is to support them and applaud them for what a wonderful job they're doing.

Banning your mum from the house will be upsetting for her - but maybe, just maybe, it will drive home the lesson, and in a few days/weeks you can say to her that she can come back IF she promises to leave the laundry alone.