Parents who don't respect their adult children?

[Cookiejar717]

I hope I'm not alone..I'm mid 30s and my mum and dad have always made me feel like a stupid teenager. They never seem to treat me how I'd expect to be treated and they don't seem to respect me how they should respect a woman in her 30s. I know parents will always worry. But they never seem to give me the credit I deserve. Especially my mum. She micro manages my dad too. I bought the family house aged 19 and 3 years ago I split from my kids dad. We've mutually agreed I'll move out and be bought out and he will continue to buy. We are both happy with this..I've spoken to all the right people and I've started viewing rentals. My mum has hidden it from my dad. But she waited until I viewed a house then started nit picking and saying she felt I hadn't been told the right stuff and if I went to visit they'd discuss it with me and look into it. What that means in English is we want to tell you what your doing is wrong, we are right and you have missed numerous things and are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Her incapability to listen and ask respectful questions and be on my side is non existent. She's straight into expert mode.

Everything from my kids. My pregnancies. My house. My garden. The way I handle things. The plumbing. My friends. My jobs. There's always a comment. They think they can ask me what things cost I buy. They try make me feel I go over the top with Christmas and the kids gifts, I really don't!

Basically constant barking at me. The worst part is my mum sits on fb "hanging out" and "being funny" (or opinionated) and coming across totally different to how she is with me.

I am really struggling to have a life around them. I have a relationship with someone that I split from for 6 months. My mum will go crazy if she finds out. So I am avoiding my kids seeing her now as they will say something.

I'm so sick of dealing with them

This is more common than you think. Unfortunately I think it’s very unlikely to change. It’s for you to determine what you do and don’t share with them.

Grey rock! Drastically limit what you share with them so they have less ammunition to go after you with.

Things I talk to my mother about: the weather, if one of us would like a cup of tea (great excuse to leave the room), the weather again.

Things I don’t talk to my mother about: EVERYTHING ELSE. 🙂

Unfortunately this is completely normal.

My parents are nice and we have a close relationship, but they don't respect me at all and think I'm quite stupid. Even though I live a very normal, some might even say reasonably successful, life. I have a professional career, masters degree, house, car, husband, children, holidays, fitness, social life, etc. But if I don't run out and do one if their (frankly ridiculous) suggestions, it's eye rolls and "you just don't listen".

Most of my friends have the same. They key is ignoring what they say, and avoiding topics you know will set them off.

OMG
Same here! But I'm 57 and my parents are both 76!!
However it's ds 22 who they are trying to manage now. He is their only grandchild so they've got big plans for his career. He's not really bothered.
I'm stuck in the middle and it's been so much harder than I thought it would be.
I'm having to examine my own relationship with my parents, and it's been a difficult year.
So, my sympathy to you OP. Also, better to sort it out in your 30's than wait until your 50's like me.
However, maybe we just have to accept that we have parents who are like this and it's because they care 🤔

Always remind yourself that:

1. this is not exclusive to you as she micromanages your dad too and probably plays expert in front of other people too
2. She is not an expert and things she claims without actual expertise are probably bullshit

How you proceed with these two points is up to you. You can ignore her and not give her any feedback at all, you can call her out when she is obviously wrong, you can cut her down when she starts sharing her expert advice, you can reply in the most condescending manner possible "sure mum, but you're old and your info is outdated" or a mixture of any of these

But the point remains - she is making herself look very silly and you're in the right

In the end she is just an older lady without much going on and entertaining herself (and boosting her ego) by giving pointless advice that you cannot do anything with even if you wanted to

I understand how people say it's common, however let's not call it normal.
It is not normal for your parents to treat you this way, and it's definitely not okay.

You don't have to power to change the people around you, nor how they behave towards you.
You do have the power to control how much of them you allow. Boundaries have to become your new best friend.

My in-laws are like your parents. We have very strict rules for them. I don't try to force them to follow those rules, however my reaction to them will depend on how they behave.
Walk in the door without saying hello and instantly criticizing that our lawn is dirty/ roof tiles need to be cleaned etc? You can walk right out the door again and go home.
Undermind our authority in front of our children? Well, time to go now, it's getting late. See you next week.
Ruin a pleasant dinner by commenting on how my husband needs to lose weight/ kids need to have nicer clothes/ ... We will get up and leave in the middle of dinner, no exceptions.
They haven't changed and they still see us (34f and 41m) as teenagers who won't survive without their help. But at least they have learned to keep that opinion to themselves.

This is my mother - highly controlling, opinionated and despite me being 52 years old, in her eyes we have a mother / daughter relationship and she’s in charge. My opinion doesn’t count and if I dare go against her she’s slighted.

This is the reason I live 250 miles away from her, she hasn’t visited me in 7 years (I’m the child so I’m expected to do all the work) and I’m LC with her.

It may be frequent but it’s not normal.

My DH has an adult to adult relationship with his parents and it makes me sad to think of the relationship I have with mine.

This is often the issue with people who don't have enough going on in life- they make your life, their life. Someone I know took retirement at 56 and has gone this way too

Another one with a mum like this.

I saw a quote a while back that said (paraphrasing) - you give others knowledge about yourself then they can use that as power over you. (Highlighted can as obviously not everyone wants power over others).

I live a long way from her so it was easy enough to keep a distance from her but it was when she was present I found her attitude towards me very difficult. She treated me like I didn’t know what I was doing therefore she needed to organise me.
Classic example of her behaviour would be visiting for a few nights, she’s watching tv unaware that I’m sorting some laundry. I sort it, put it in the machine and program it to finish next morning. The next morning whilst she is getting herself ready to go out I’ll peg that washing out. Off we go out for the day. Come home and I’ll start sorting DCs dinner, mum will notice washing and even though she’s had no input up to now she’ll decide I’ve no idea that the washing needs bringing in so she’ll start on at me to bring it in NOW and won’t accept that my plan was to bring it in once DCs were eating dinner.

My mum can be very spiteful and vindictive and I think she was well aware that I’ve got situations under control but didn’t like it so would set about trying to change my plan (sometimes sabotage it - sorting DCs dinner first). She would also tell me I had enough time/space to do something even though I KNEW I didn’t - it’s all about her having control over me and after a number of incidents I’m now non contact with her and can tell you life is definitely easier.

My in-laws are like this. Every decision questioned in minute detail, telling us we shouldn't be doing things as we are, we should be doing it their way, actually buying replacements for things they don't like in our house. They've told us on occasion that our recollection of events that they weren't even at are wrong and this is what actually happened. They've also told me that I do like certain shops or items of clothing because I've told them I have. For things that I have never liked in my life.

They are exhausting in how controlling they are and it started on our wedding day. I haven't seen or spoken to them in six years. My DH still has limited contact with them because he feels guilty if he doesn't but he hates it.

Will your rent be covered by UC?

Yep my MIL is exactly like this. She blew her top when she found out I got a tattoo (aged 26). She wanted to 'talk about it' and apparently I'm not allowed to get any more because she hates tattoos 🥴 She was also pretty angry when we put an offer in and got it accepted before she'd even viewed the house 🙄

I'm on a certain website that begins with R and ends in 'eddit' and people on there are ALWAYS complaining about their parents. A very common theme is when adult aged people are still living with their parents and they come home from work one day to find their parents have gone through their room, found their sex toys and thrown them away! I've read that sort of thing several times on there. Bonkers!

Yes grey rock and strict boundaries. Im 50. She still tries control us. Holiday topic vague too any plans. No. I realised I was telling her too much.

This is very common, my mother behaves like this aswell and I’m 48, I asked her to stop around 10 years ago ( in an very bad argument, me shouting at her) she didn’t change one bit so now whenever she critiques me / tries to humiliate me I bark back at her and critique her…..sounds awfull but the stress she has caused me by her behaviour is indescribable, now that I’m confronting her and doing her behaviour back to her the situation has improved…..I just couldn’t take it anymore

in many other ways she was a good mother ( not emotionally) , good provider etc but I don’t think she had a clue what her words were doing to me and how badly affected by it I was, in the end I had to start protecting myself from it

You are definitely not alone in this and I think it is quite common to varying degrees.

My mother in particular is like this - in her eyes I’m still a teenager who isn’t organised and needs to be reminded of every little thing. Even though I work full time, have a good job that pays well, own a nice house, my child is well fed and gets to his activities and school on time! In her eyes I leave everything to the last minute / don’t organise things well enough - I get messages saying “did you sort this out?” Or “don’t forget this or that”. I’m probably more relaxed than her but I still get stuff done - it irritates me but in my head I just think “oh f**k off” and move on.

My parents are like this, although it's only with their daughters, my brothers can do no wrong. My sister and I are treated like children.

I upgraded my phone last month, my old one was literally taped together. I was criticised and asked if I could afford it. It was a free upgrade and no more expensive than my old one.

I got a new job last year, they never once congratulated me. They told me I was making a mistake leaving a job with a good pension and was I sure I was doing the right thing.

My brother is getting married overseas next year, they've been bugging my sister and me about whether we've booked our flights and hotel, then saying if you don't book them we will. I'm 46, my sister is 48, I think we can manage to book our own flights and hotels. Heck I book travel for my boss and he always gets there, Heck i work in travel!

@FrozenGhost

"Unfortunately this is completely normal"

No, it most certainly is not. My parents never did it to me nor my DWs to her. I hope we don't do it to our adult DCs either.

Yeah mine do this. It is part of the reason that I don’t think I will be sad when they die, they can’t treat me like an adult. I am 48 !

they have put the dcs off them. It is sad too. Always criticising and interfering.

my MIL NEVER does it and this is what I model my parenting on. Thank god for her.

Yes another one with a mother like this. I ignore but now she is trying to do it to my children too I am starting to back off big time.

I am very aware of my mother's faults and try to ensure that my children, now teens, have autonomy.

You continue to tell them far too much, and I would bet you aren't telling them to keep their opinions to themselves. With my mother, I started both of those long, long ago.

Just spent 2 days with my very elderly Mum - who always was rude, needy, demanding, argumentative and disrespectful. She told me not to come back because I spent some time doing my own thing whilst she was watching telly, after spending the day taking her out and making her dinner. She'll have said that to make me feel bad - but it doesn't - she's pulled this shit too many times - I just think she is manipulative and rude, dad died two years ago and she needs to argue with someone. So not just you, I'd fly back home now if I could. I've put off visiting her for months, I've had a massive anxiety attack on the plane because I didn't want to be here but she guilted me - she's right I should not come back.

Wow this is validating!
my mum is the same, it’s really difficult at times to have a relationship with her and she got worse once I had a baby.

The less I share with her about my life the easier it is which is sad but you just have to be firm with your boundaries

It's been comforting to read these replies. I went through a rubbish time a year ago and my therapist asked me how I old I felt around my mum.it hit me!

My mum will text and say "don't forget the clocks alter tonight" " have you remembered it's your nephews birthday this week"
It sounds caring but it's hard to respond positively. If I take the kids to the sea side she will say dont like them out your sight. Its like OK mum I'm glad you said that as I was going to nap whilst my kids play in the sea.

Its like with my boyfriend. She told me she'd kill me if I hot involved with him again. I told her I speak to him as a friend again and she heard the words and she still Said don't you get back involved with him.

I have majorly backed off. Sadly they notice I keep the kids away from them. I now hardly speak to 2 of my sisters. I often skip family get together.

My son is a wild almost 6 year old. They just comment on his wildness. My daughter is shy. They comment on her quietness. They had baby toys in a small basket when mine were little. But they've got absolutely nothing now for the kids. They have even deleted Netflix. So when my kids are there they are bored. My parents don't play with them. They don't draw with them. They sit there and moan they are running about. Then I leave early. Don't go back for months. They dig they haven't seen them.

I even do their cleaning once a week and each time I go they tell me what they want doing and how to do it. It's a really tidy house and I can clean it top to bottom in 2 hours.

I could go on and on all day about them. I feel so uncomfortable. My life is changing. I've got a new job this week. I've applied for a house and I feel like whatever I get told or offered my mum and dad are sitting waiting to smash my new start hopes with their negative words. I can already see them telling me the risks to accepting whatever I accept.

The pp who said about it often being people with nothing going on in their own lives. That's my mum. 72 years old. Addicted to fb. Acts like she's 25 and so fun on there. Nicer to my female cousins that she is us. She won't put a kiss on the end of a message to her own children. But with my cousins she's trying so hard to fit in online she has started putting kisses. I sit there with my lip up thinking is my mum really trying this hard to look the part for women half her age. She goes to asda and for a walk with my dad. Never goes anywhere alone now. When we were kids at best she she went to town on the bus. She's never worked. My dad did. She's had her head in a book most of my life and rarely broken her home routine.

I read my reply above and thought I Sound so mean. It's just awful

My mother is the same and I have to try to remember it's coming from a place of concern however ill judged. From her perspective, she's concerned her daughter and grandchildren are losing a secure roof over your heads and a solid financial asset in home ownership. It's natural for parents to feel protective but presumably your solicitor assessed the deeds, financial contributions you both made, and he has been ordered to give you your share based on market value, so you have sufficient for a deposit on another home and initial mortgage payments?