Parents who don't respect their adult children?

[Cookiejar717]

I hope I'm not alone..I'm mid 30s and my mum and dad have always made me feel like a stupid teenager. They never seem to treat me how I'd expect to be treated and they don't seem to respect me how they should respect a woman in her 30s. I know parents will always worry. But they never seem to give me the credit I deserve. Especially my mum. She micro manages my dad too. I bought the family house aged 19 and 3 years ago I split from my kids dad. We've mutually agreed I'll move out and be bought out and he will continue to buy. We are both happy with this..I've spoken to all the right people and I've started viewing rentals. My mum has hidden it from my dad. But she waited until I viewed a house then started nit picking and saying she felt I hadn't been told the right stuff and if I went to visit they'd discuss it with me and look into it. What that means in English is we want to tell you what your doing is wrong, we are right and you have missed numerous things and are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Her incapability to listen and ask respectful questions and be on my side is non existent. She's straight into expert mode.

Everything from my kids. My pregnancies. My house. My garden. The way I handle things. The plumbing. My friends. My jobs. There's always a comment. They think they can ask me what things cost I buy. They try make me feel I go over the top with Christmas and the kids gifts, I really don't!

Basically constant barking at me. The worst part is my mum sits on fb "hanging out" and "being funny" (or opinionated) and coming across totally different to how she is with me.

I am really struggling to have a life around them. I have a relationship with someone that I split from for 6 months. My mum will go crazy if she finds out. So I am avoiding my kids seeing her now as they will say something.

I'm so sick of dealing with them

@Crushed23

Unfortunately I have stopped telling my mother about what is going on in my life aswell.

Previously if I told her about something serious she would tell everyone behind my back even after I had specifically asked her not to repeat it, but if I told her about something good that was happening in my life she wouldn’t tell anyone and just try to put me down and belittle me and make the achievement seem small.

She would humiliate me in front of family when we were all together and then try and be manipulative and be all sweetness and light when we were on our own to try and make up for what she had done.

She tells me I’m wrong when I’m right just to save her own ego aswell

By the way I’m 48!

She is quite arrogant and full of self confidence and cannot see that there is anything wrong with her behaviour

I agree, it’s absolutely not normal. It’s an appalling level of interference.

@Cookiejar717 I don't think you sound awful. I think you sound frustrated.

I recently saw the statement "all unsolicited advice is criticism," and it rings true for me. My own mum isn't as bad as yours but she cannot seem to stop herself giving her opinion when it wasn't asked for. And she's also not very good at taking in that what would make her happy, doesn't necessarily make everyone happy.

I also get prompts about doing things and it does drive me a little bananas. And I tend not to ask her opinion (which I did in the past). She tends to let me have my head on important decisions but niggle about insignificant ones (like when my son will get a haircut... I don't know, when he wants to?)

She was a great mother to young children and teenagers and is an exemplary grandmother, and I believe her intentions are good, so I wouldn't want to cut her off, but I do sometimes wish I could turn the volume down.

Meantime I am trying to keep the "unsolicited advice" wisdom in mind myself and ask my friends (and kids) if they're looking for problem solving or just a chance to vent, so I won't do this myself!

That’s appalling behaviour. Do you think she’s envious of you? Has your life turned out much better than hers, on the whole?

I am 51 and my mother is the same. It's much more common than you might imagine.

Huh… I thought my mum did this cuz I had a breakdown last year but maybe it’s just normal? Love my mum but I’m 30 (a year older than my cousin and 2 older than his wife) and she acted as if I was going to yeet their newborn baby across the room when my cousins wife asked if I wanted to hold her 😂 “sit down sit down! Don’t drop her!!” As if she needed to tell me that 😂 don’t get me wrong I am clumsy but I know to get myself into a safe position to hold a baby 😂

All this posts are really making me appreciate my lovely mum who never judges or tells me what to do. When she was looking after my babies one day a week she always always did things the way I wanted, not the way she thought it should be done based on what she did 30 years previously.

@Crushed23

I think she may be, she Dosen’t do it to my other sisters and wouldn’t dream of doing it to her darling son!

It also seems from reading a few of the rest of the comments a mother daughter thing or would any males reading these comments like to talk about their experience?

I think it’s probably quite common for mothers to be envious of their daughters but maybe I’m wrong

Also if there are any older mothers on here reading these comments and recognise the behaviour in yourself that commenters are referring to would you like to explain why you behave in such a way….I would love to know

My mother (in her seventies) is terrible for all of the above mentioned things. I've noticed that she puts a negative spin on literally anything, maybe to make it more dramatic? Maybe to manipulate me into "needing" her more? She also "doesn't remember" anything from my childhood, so I can never get resolution on things that definitely happened.

She thinks I'm incapable, and sadly I believed that for ages. It's not true.

Grey rock is the way. I cautiously tested the water after a long while of grey rocking, because I'm going through something pretty huge, and...yep, straight back to grey rock it is, seeing as she chose to broadcast my private situation to everyone she knows.

It's so crap, to want and hope for a relationship that they just cannot properly participate in. Low contact, grey rock, therapy. That's all we can do, to avoid passing the horrible baton on to the next generation.

I know she made comments on me last summer when I posted a couple of nice pictures of myself when I had a dress on. She said I only take a selfie for likes. So far from the truth.

I know my mum had my sisters at 17 and 19. She then went on to have a family with my dad and bad me and my sister in her mid 30s. She's never had a job or career. So I guess we are all she has had. But she could be In our lives in a positive way instead and enjoy so much more.

I get the impression my mum thinks alot of what I do is wasteful or abit sad. I will always remember her calling me a saddo when I said I'd enjoyed looking around lush shop on a day out shopping. She wasn't on the day out. She also reacted when I took my 5 month old baby to a soft play and told me she's way to young. She's just convinced most of what I do is not needed.

Absolutely agree
And when confronted full on victim mode comes through.
I don't know the answer but I just tend to remove myself from the situation now

It's an awful feeling isn't it.. no matter how old, what you've achieved in life, how you manage your daily life.. they make you feel like a teenager.
It's very common and a lot of the time unintentional as they spent many years parenting us. Maybe it's natural to be like that. But it feels shitty on the receiving end so I'll be making sure I don't do it.

@Cookiejar717
You are living your life as you choose. Your mom may disagree, but her disagreement isn't really prohibiting you from doing the things that you want to do.

She can only comment on the things that you choose to share. You don't have to discuss your housing situation with them. Just provide your new address when you are moved in. Do you really won't to waste your time analyzing your mom's FB persona or how many and to whom she gives xxx? Stop looking at her FB page. Some of the things that you mention are pretty insignificant (the FB) , some issues you can prevent by not over sharing, some things may be said out of normal parental concern and while annoying do no harm at all.

Unfortunately respect for your judgement usually results from the outcomes of the decisions that you make. If your life is going well , you might point that out to them, and then not become overly invested in their responses.

@FrancisSeaton

Mine is the same, confront her and she goes into full on victims mode, tears and all….the works, like a child who has been told off for doing something wrong!

She is so manipulative

Also if there are any older mothers on here reading these comments and recognise the behaviour in yourself that commenters are referring to would you like to explain why you behave in such a way….I would love to know

There was a thread a while ago I found interesting. It was about how hard and frustrating it is to have adult children. Now some of the adult children described did sound difficult and asked for a lot.

However others just sounded like they were quite normal, didn't ask for or want any help or interference, yet the parents were still on the thread complaining. When this was pointed out, the posters said they "had to" worry/interfere/complain. They just couldn't stop themselves and didn't see that the adults would have been just fine or better without the negative comments.

I think the OP on that thread started by complaining her young adult dd was making the OP give her a lift from the airport at some silly early time. Sounds like a very reasonable complaint. However further discussion revealed the dd never asked for a lift, and didn't want one - she had planned to get a taxi. However OP decided that she knew better, this was a bad idea, and forced the lift on her. Then came on here to complain about it.

It was a very relatable example.

My mother is the same!

I sympathise when you say you feel so uncomfortable around them.
My mum has always treated me like I'm still a badly behaved forgetful teenager, even though I'm 33yo, own my own house, have a ds and dh and have just started my own (so far so successful) business!
If I'm taking ds swimming she'll message me before telling me not to take my eyes off him.. like I was going to sit there eyes closed and let him drown! She'll constantly ask me if I need them to look at my business accounts and figures to see if I'm doing well enough, same goes for anything i buy, she wants to know what it cost and can we afford it. She'll 'remind' me to change the oil in my car when I've already done it. Its infuriating.
When we are all together with my dsis and our families, she tries to play me and dsis off against each other so she can reprimand us and play the martyr.

They also have different ideas of how to discipline my ds (they're both old school) and constantly tell me he'll grow up entitled as I don't smack him.

I sadly hardly see them now as a result

@FrozenGhost

yes, very relatable

A mother who Dosen’t and refuses to listen to what her daughter is saying to her, has no respect for her decisions and thinks she knows better and then complains / bad mouths her behind her back.

I think some mothers see their adult daughters as their possessions as they gave birth to them, therefore they think they have a right to dictate what they do with their lives and have a say in every aspect of it…..and they think there is nothing wrong with this

It's such hard work isn't it
I just literally tell her now I don't have to listen to it so won't

My mother is exactly the same - I definitely feel like she thinks I am an extension of her and not a real person.
Does anyone have the link to the thread about the daughter and the lift? Would like to read.

My MIL was like that. I think it was anxiety mixed with having too much time to worry about things. And being used to mothering her children to death. If we made a decision without her input it was automatically wrong.
Especially when it came to spending our own money.
She made us withdraw an offer on our first house because she had no input.
She changed 100% when she got a job after being a SAHM for many years. She immediately became so laid back about everything.
She's retired now but thankfully has kept the more positive attitude.

My mil is like this too but it also comes from an anxiety perspective and somehow I manage to find it funny when she questions our ability to look after a puppy or tells us the kids shouldn’t run - they might fall. I think it’s a fine line isn’t it - it can come from a good place - ie caring with no intent to undermine - dh also does this with the kids and I make him stop, it comes from a caring place but they need to learn to adult but I’ve seen it come from a darker place where it’s controlling and undermining and it must be very difficult to argue that it feels like the latter.
My mother was never interested enough in anyone else other than herself - so I always felt a bit of longing for her to care enough to do this - I know that sounds screwy but my older siblings took this role of questioning all my choices, taking choice away from me and controlling my life any time I interacted with them - they make me feel so utterly inadequate - I’ve been nc with them for 3 years now. My whole family operate on denial and dysfunction- there’s no fixing it.

Wait until you are a competent, intelligent, retired professional and your adult children think they know what you should do and try to micromanage you.
Caring parents will want the best for you and show concern. Share. You don’t have to obey but you might be wise to listen.

I have every sympathy for you Mere1 but we are talking about the same things - you could argue that your children want the best for you and are showing concern but it seems it doesn't feel like that to you and you don't like it and trust that it doesn't feel like that to the competent, intelligent posters on this thread.

OP, the problem here is you. In that you won’t deal with the issue.

you need to have boundaries and you need to patrol them properly, until your mother learns not to comment on your life. Yes it will upset her- you are stopping her from doing her hobby.

”I didn’t ask your opinion”
” I’ll be doing what I choose for myself thanks”
”Have you lost the plot?”
”Mum, I’m twice as old as you were having [oldest sis], you made decisions without interference, and I’ll be having the same courtesy”
”No, I don’t think so”
”You’ll have to mind your own business”
”Don’t criticize me unless you’re prepared to have your own life held up to scrutiny.”
”My upset at the nonsense you’ve said over the years has never even occurred to you, I have no idea why you think you’re due special treatment.”
”We’ll agree to differ. I think you’re hopelessly wrong.”