Parents who don't respect their adult children?

[Cookiejar717]

I hope I'm not alone..I'm mid 30s and my mum and dad have always made me feel like a stupid teenager. They never seem to treat me how I'd expect to be treated and they don't seem to respect me how they should respect a woman in her 30s. I know parents will always worry. But they never seem to give me the credit I deserve. Especially my mum. She micro manages my dad too. I bought the family house aged 19 and 3 years ago I split from my kids dad. We've mutually agreed I'll move out and be bought out and he will continue to buy. We are both happy with this..I've spoken to all the right people and I've started viewing rentals. My mum has hidden it from my dad. But she waited until I viewed a house then started nit picking and saying she felt I hadn't been told the right stuff and if I went to visit they'd discuss it with me and look into it. What that means in English is we want to tell you what your doing is wrong, we are right and you have missed numerous things and are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Her incapability to listen and ask respectful questions and be on my side is non existent. She's straight into expert mode.

Everything from my kids. My pregnancies. My house. My garden. The way I handle things. The plumbing. My friends. My jobs. There's always a comment. They think they can ask me what things cost I buy. They try make me feel I go over the top with Christmas and the kids gifts, I really don't!

Basically constant barking at me. The worst part is my mum sits on fb "hanging out" and "being funny" (or opinionated) and coming across totally different to how she is with me.

I am really struggling to have a life around them. I have a relationship with someone that I split from for 6 months. My mum will go crazy if she finds out. So I am avoiding my kids seeing her now as they will say something.

I'm so sick of dealing with them

Why are you cleaning their house?

She does sound a complete pain in the neck. Just on the issue of Netflix, you can log into your account on their TV. Not the point, I know!

when my dc were little she would ring me and tell me how cold it was, ie they needed a coat.

This sounds hard, sorry.

Please stop cleaning their house. They don't respect you, why are you doing them a big favour and handing them another opportunity to tell you you're underperforming to some arbitrary standards?

To be honest part of being a parent is learning to let go and sometimes that means not showing your fear in front of your kids. It feels very self indulgent when parents don’t even attempt to rein themselves in. Particularly when it gets to the point that its more about how it affects the parent (who at best is a bystander) than it actually affects the DC. All it promotes is lying or not talking, as otherwise you’ll end up having to cater for the emotional needs of another person that doesn’t even have skin in the game.

I am not sure you will ever change this behaviour with your mum. You can take it as a blueprint for what NOT to do.

My mum is like this. Drives me fucking mad.

I can relate. They think some simple tasks are beyond me despite me never having any history of failing with them. For example, I had a small get together for close family for my son’s birthday and of course they couldn’t just let me organise and prepare for it. Even when I compromised and said mum could do some sandwiches and I’d do the rest they came with packets of cakes. I’d bought and arranged some fresh cream cakes from local bakers and my dad started handing out the packeted cakes not aware that there were nicer cakes (despite me saying, and a cake tier sitting on the table). It was very undermining and annoying.

I also get reminders and advice that’s so basic and although meant well is annoying as it sounds like I’m an idiot. Like I mentioned I was going to get a deep fat fried and was warned not to let my toddler play with it. Thanks, so burning hot appliances are a no for toddlers, wouldn’t have figured that out.

Hi
Your reply doesn't sound mean. It sounds like you are completely frustrated by your parents' being overbearing.
I have one sibling, and she's the same. She "mentions" things. Everything I tell her, she'll give me a warning. "Make sure you don't ..."
It comes from her being an anxious person who has very little going on in her life, so she thinks about all my stuff, and never hesitates to give me her opinion.
Like I said in my earlier post, my parents are like this over my adult ds 22, but my sister is even worse!!!
HELP 🙄

mum will notice washing and even though she’s had no input up to now she’ll decide I’ve no idea that the washing needs bringing in so she’ll start on at me to bring it in NOW and won’t accept that my plan was to bring it in once DCs were eating dinner.

My MIL is like this-we don’t see her any more!

She'll never change but you can and it's very liberating when you do.

My DM is exactly the same, micro manages (tries), negative all the time and always critizes every decision I make. Now, if she is against something I know its the right decision.

I went back to uni in my 40s and my DM still focusing and reminds everyone I dropped out of A'levels.

Through therapy I've set bounderies, developed strategies and focused on my and my families needs. My DM has been incrediblily mean to my DH and DD. She tries with DS but he laughs at her. Which I now do

I limit what I tell my mum, say "it's my life and my decision" and limit the contract I have with her. Also, end conversations if they become toxic. When she tries the "poor me, I could die tomorrow routine" I reply "so could I". It get her everytime.

It took until my mid-40s and a pandemic for me to put boundaries in.
I agree with the grey rock stuff. My friend advised me to count so the awful things my mum said at every get together rather than focus on what she said, it takes the sting out.
I think in their own way that generation were messed up, they just don't know how to break the cycle, but what we don't want is their negativity affecting OUR kids.
I limited visits to once weekly, all other communication via Whatsapp, no phone calls, and no texts as she claims not to get them or that she has sent stuff when she hasn't. It was a difficult couple of years but our interactions have improved a lot and I don't dread them like I did.

Why do you tell your parents so much if you know you they’re going to give you a hard time?

You don’t have to tell people every detail of your life. If they don’t know, they can’t have an opinion.

Your mother is controlling and sadly I had one very similar. I ended up going completely non contact after therapy and PTSD treatment.
You sound like a very dutiful and kind daughter who has her life sorted out, you even find time to clean for them!
I've found the Stately homes threads really helpful for being able to get perspective on what's normal and what's not.

So many controlling mothers? Really?
It is equally feasible that they have to be strident from years of simply not being listened to.
It's amazing how many people in this thread think they know better than someone who's been around so much longer than themselves.
And saddening how often caring is mistaken for controlling.
Ah well, she'll be gone one day, at least there's that.

Are they having to rescue you all the time, listen to your constantly complaining, do you use them for childcare?

Do you solely stand on your own 2 feet as a fully responsible adult?

I had a difficult relationship with my mum for most of my life, she was always exasperating me with her comments but since I started going out with my husband who has a wonderful relationship with his mother, he has gently guided me to trying to see the positive in what she says and does. While her communication style has a lot to be desired, he emphasised that she really just wants the best for me and is trying to look out for me. With that perspective I try to be kinder to her in my responses and it somehow makes her kinder in her remarks. She still stresses me out no end when we meet up but our relationship has improved a lot, perhaps something you could experiment with if you’re willing to give it a try. Good luck! I empathise

You don’t have the right to be listened to just because you’ve been around longer. Respect has to be earned.

@Crushed23 I agree- age is no guarantee of wise or indeed always caring.

@Cookiejar717 I'm the person who mentioned not enough going on in life, so your life becomes their life- I truly believe 'some' older people are very depressed but function ok . Nothing much to look forward to, friends dying off , odd relationships with partners and spouses of very many years and not always happy in them either, health issues, boredom, a great deal of co dependency going on - and often not that much to talk about, so they focus on their children's lives, occasionally friends too- nit picking them to bits. I think the secret is not over sharing to some extent , many daughters in particular do this to give you all something to talk about but with some parents it can totally backfire sadly . Many seem to want you to lead your life exactly as they have done. It's a lesson to us all on 'how not to be' to our adult children and partners. Can I just say of course that not all parents are like this- many seem to have non stop cruises, weekends away and are not at all interfering too.

i experience exactly the same! Reminded of everything, makes out I’m not capable of keeping on top of things, I leave everything to the last minute.. despite running a household, holding down a full time job and having young children!
I like you ignore it and think she’s sadly got nothing going on in her life and just focused on me. So much pressure though!
definitely not how I want to be when I get older!

I am 58 and fairly successful, own my own house, financially independent and I swear given half the chance she would grab my hand and help me cross the road!
She often gives advice on how to run my life and my sisters. I just laugh (on a good day) and say I have managed to survive for 58 years I think I can make a decision lol.

I stopped telling my dm anything of consequence for exactly that reason.

I didn't discuss my relationships, my house, my job etc. Then when I bought a house or changed job until it was done, and there was nothing left to be said.

I truly believe 'some' older people are very depressed but function ok . Nothing much to look forward to, friends dying off , odd relationships with partners and spouses of very many years and not always happy in them either, health issues, boredom, a great deal of co dependency going on - and often not that much to talk about, so they focus on their children's lives, occasionally friends too- nit picking them to bits.

Totally agree with this. What I find utterly bizarre is they will often complain about some aspect of their life e.g. having had to give up a career to raise children because of less social acceptance of child-free / one-and-done families, and in the same breath try to pressure you into making the same life choices as them! It’s like they won’t be happy until you’re as stressed out and miserable as they were?!

She told you she'd KILL YOU if you did something she didn't like?! That verbal abuse of the worst kind. I'd be reconsidering my whole relationship if I were you. She's toxic.

Yup, I’m like this too.

I didn’t mention a new job until I had signed the contract and was about to start. I didn’t talk about my flat purchase until I had the keys (didn’t even mention I was looking to buy).
I mentioned a new boyfriend about a year into the relationship and still haven’t told her about our recent break-up which has really affected me (I can’t think of anything worse than dealing with her judgement on top of everything else).

Oh and I am looking into an overseas secondment with work which I will inform her about when it’s all confirmed and I have the one-way flight booked.

I would love to have a relationship with my parents where I could share good (and sad) news with them, but it’s just not possible, so I don’t.

@Crushed23 indeed- whether or not you agree with Brexit, I actually both read and overheard conversations where retired people were saying they wanted their children to stay local so were happy there might be less options to move out the UK. Basically lessen their adult children's life options. Really not a nice way to think.