Parents who don't respect their adult children?

[Cookiejar717]

I hope I'm not alone..I'm mid 30s and my mum and dad have always made me feel like a stupid teenager. They never seem to treat me how I'd expect to be treated and they don't seem to respect me how they should respect a woman in her 30s. I know parents will always worry. But they never seem to give me the credit I deserve. Especially my mum. She micro manages my dad too. I bought the family house aged 19 and 3 years ago I split from my kids dad. We've mutually agreed I'll move out and be bought out and he will continue to buy. We are both happy with this..I've spoken to all the right people and I've started viewing rentals. My mum has hidden it from my dad. But she waited until I viewed a house then started nit picking and saying she felt I hadn't been told the right stuff and if I went to visit they'd discuss it with me and look into it. What that means in English is we want to tell you what your doing is wrong, we are right and you have missed numerous things and are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Her incapability to listen and ask respectful questions and be on my side is non existent. She's straight into expert mode.

Everything from my kids. My pregnancies. My house. My garden. The way I handle things. The plumbing. My friends. My jobs. There's always a comment. They think they can ask me what things cost I buy. They try make me feel I go over the top with Christmas and the kids gifts, I really don't!

Basically constant barking at me. The worst part is my mum sits on fb "hanging out" and "being funny" (or opinionated) and coming across totally different to how she is with me.

I am really struggling to have a life around them. I have a relationship with someone that I split from for 6 months. My mum will go crazy if she finds out. So I am avoiding my kids seeing her now as they will say something.

I'm so sick of dealing with them

These phrases are useful but if OP’s parents are anything like mine saying stuff like this will lead to a blow up / argument (which is sometimes all that people like this want - a reaction, to disturb your peace etc.)

I prefer:

”Oh well, we’re all different”
”That’s nice”
”Fair enough”
”I see”
”Hmm”
“Ooh I could use a cup of tea. Would you like one?” <leave room>

I agree with you @Crushed23 arguing with people like this is exactly what energises them - you are feeding the monster. Better to not engage, but that takes the wisdom of experience to accept this.

Oh my I’ve had a lifetime of this. Desperate for me to visit but when I do they show zero interest in anything I have to say other than to criticise or disapprove. Then constantly talk about themselves and leave me feeling like I’m a huge disappointment to them. They were slightly better when my late DH was alive but now I’ve lost him they’re worse than ever. I feel they know absolutely nothing about me as a person, is very sad but have accepted that any meaningful relationship with them is impossible.

Exactly. @FrozenGhost meant I think that it's common, as borne out by the replies. It's not normal though.

I am going to come back and say, it wouldn’t be a row, just a difficult conversation.

They get prickly/argumentative and she gets to clearly state the boundary.

I appreciate OP May not be used to difficult conversations and if you aren’t practiced in them they have the potential to spin out of control. Nonetheless, if she can speak from a position of boundary setting detachment it is very powerful compared to Grey Rock.

and I have to try to remember it's coming from a place of concern however ill judged

I’m in my late 40s and thought the same as above until approx ten years ago. It isn’t necessarily concern. For many its control.

@Thepossibility

My MIL was like that. I think it was anxiety mixed with having too much time to worry about things

To be fair to my mother I think this does apply, she gets very stressed about little things (retired) and I do think has anxiety …..BUT I now also have terrible anxiety and I think it’s as a result of her behaviour but that I couldn’t be sure of, I have had terrible anxiety from a young age

I think by the time you recognise the problem you are emotionally fragile within the relationship - so grey rocking leaves you feeling less damaged. If I used any of those phrases you mentioned to my mother it would be a storming row every time and she'd enjoy every minute of it. She doesn't change her behaviour. She hates being grey rocked - and will have a row with me about that too - but it will be less frequent.

I think as this older generation age, they are really struggling to let go. When my parents were where I am now, their parents (my mother’s, my father’s were already dead), seemed very old and needy. My parents were in charge so to speak as the middle-aged age group, looking after both those younger and older. My in-laws were the same.

As Boomers have grown older, they have not done so in the same way as their parents. They are often quite youthful. As us Gen X-ers and Millennials now become the middle-aged group, we are competing with Boomers who are refusing to give up the ground. They want to continue to parent us into our 40s and 50s, because if not, they seemingly become irrelevant. And old. And like their parents. And death is waiting. They won’t move over. I have seen it time and time again, this wanting to still be ‘in charge’. But they won’t live forever. And what happens when we hit 60 and don’t have mummy and daddy here telling us what to do? I mean, we’ll all be fine in reality. But how do they think we will cope? It’s mind-boggling.

OP I think your Mum has a genuine reason for concern. To go from home ownership to wasting money renting is precarious for you and your kids - they live with you? Any cash settlement would be lost in being unable to claim housing benefit ?
Presumably you bought the family home at a reduced rate because they wanted you to have security?
Mums are human too not always expressing things in the way we would like. But if a child of mine was jumping into renting after owning a home for over 10 years I’d be worried too

@MrsJellybee

I agree, I think I need to keep this in mind when I get so frustrated and angry with my mother, It is difficult to remember it though when you are so angry!

She isn’t perfect but then neither am I!

But aside from some of the nasty things she has said to me ( behind my back aswell) and the way she has treated me, she also has done a lot of things right and worked very hard to bring us up.

She is in her late 70s now and is unlikely to change much and won’t be around forever.

1. The power of “I understand your point of view but I don’t agree”. It takes some practice but it is so powerful.
2. Find something she can share her wisdom about that wouldn’t annoy you, perhaps house plants, cleaning shower screens, ideas for picnic etc

My mother is exactly like that. I put up with a lot until I had my first child: she came to stay with me for one week while I had a newborn, didn’t help at all, criticised my house on the same day for being both too hot and too cold, the bathroom of the en-suit bedroom she was staying in wasn’t up to standards, our coffee was too bitter, etc. We got into a big argument after that and now we are very low contact. To be perfectly honest with you, it was the best decision I could have made as I can’t remember the last time I felt this relaxed.

My mum is the exact same same same. The only benefit I can see from it is that I am already trying to parent my own children differently. I don't give her any information at all anymore about anything - it's not worth the hassle.

OP my parents are exactly the same. Got worse when I had DC (or maybe I noticed it more and couldn’t imagine treated my DC in that way).

I obviously didn’t see them regularly due to Covid and now actively avoid seeing them. I realised every time I do, I come away feeling negative about something they’ve said about me or my life.

Trying to assert boundaries or counter their statements is just like hitting a nuclear button, they go absolutely crazy with fury and start with shite like ‘after all we’ve done for you how dare you’. And then I’m the bad guy exactly like they always thought.

joelmillersbackpack

You are not alone. Imo its simple. They don't respect their adult children (or at least some of their adult children) and they are controlling. Controlling behaviour can be misinterpreted as caring but if they truly cared they would be respectful too.

You sound so bullied, harassed and abused by your mother.

It's really awful to read.

Stop the cleaning.
Stop the visiting.
Hide SM and her on FB.

Move further away.
Tell her absolutely nothing about you.
Keep your children far away.

You cannot fix nor change her.
You can move and you can step away from her negativity.

Stop the visits and cleaning immediately and step away.

You deserve a break.
Well done for keeping your children away.

Now protect yourself.

And I'm quite prepared to believe that there can be a mix of controlling and caring. So when you kick back against the control they will suggest they just care but there comes a point when you have to allow people to make their own mistakes even if they are your children.

From her perspective, she's concerned her daughter and grandchildren are losing a secure roof over your heads and a solid financial asset in home ownership.

That leapt out at me when I read the OP.

Your ex retains a secure home, and you and your children are entering the insecure world of private rentals. As a parent and grandparent I'd be worried sick, too. It's entirely the wrong way round.

But obviously the back story and the general disrespect for you is another story, and I totally understand how you feel about all that.

I suppose I'm just worried that in (rightfully) shutting out a lot of their criticism about your choices, in this case you've shut out a perfectly rational concern. I'm surprised that you've been supported by others in this decision.

My mum is just the same and I'm 58! If I go shopping with my youngest dd who is 15 she'll say things like make sure you don't lose her, just because she wants it you don't need to buy it etc. My eldest two are in their 30s and I sometimes think dd2 also thinks I'm an imbecile - probably influenced by dm. (I have a degree and have never lost any of my 4 dc, burned the house down or gone into debt.)
I don't want to fall out with either of them so I try and keep conversations neutral and try and ignore comments I don't like.

She even tells me to make sure dd is dressed warmly and has enough water with her!

A couple of weeks ago my dm said she was so worried about me she couldn't sleep. Because our car had failed its mot (replacement already organised by me) and our microwave had blown up - again it was replaced within days. If I told her other things she'd have reasons to be worried.

My ex partners aunt was still bathing her 18 year old son ( no disability) I reported her to adult services. She also took him to private school on the bus daily and held a child’s tea party for his 18th birthday ( he stayed in his room whilst she had HER friends round for tea and cakes . He’s very intelligent but the last I heard was he has a huge beard and wild hair and grunts through a crack in the bedroom door like STIG of the dump . She’s a total fruit and her sister my ex MIL has similar traits wanting to control her adult children and look after them despite them having partners. It was one big cringefest

@Thehighestmaintenance I've got visions of a weird family a bit like Boris Johnson's!!

I feel for you OP, as my parents are the exact same.

The issue is when you lay down the boundaries after the intrusive questions and comments, certainly in my case, my parents progress to full on war. They will say horrendous things, shout, scream, gaslight, lie to others about what happened and victim blame. They were very controlling authoritative parents and I am an only child which led to a huge rebellion in my teens. My husband takes no crap and so thankfully laying down the law is easier, but they will 'get their own back' via other means.

For example, my parents have taken money that was given to them to pass along to me by my grandparents and put it in a family investment pot, so essentially if I want access to it I have to tell my parents what the money is for and they have to sign off on it. I rarely bother these days, because I have no want to have to justify what I want to spend the money on. My grandparents are too old now to want to argue and they are now both ill so I'm certainly not going to bring it up with them.

Contact was very scarce for about a decade. It's still patchy although this year my mother has tried to apologise and reach out but in all honesty after years and years of crap from them both I've little interest.

Basically I feel you OP.

For goodness sake stop cleaning their house and just leave them to it. I wanted my parents love and approval so badly, but I have never gotten it, I honestly wonder why they bothered having me. Stop replying to messages, stop agonising over it. I wish I had a lot earlier. Blood doesn't always make you deserving of being called family and you can build your own.

Sending you a big hug.