DD's boyfriend's parents want to meet me

[Mmmmdanone]

DD and boyfriend are both 19 and have been seeing each other since June. His parents feel like they should know DD's family. I really don't think at this point that there is any need to meet the parents. Quite honestly from what I've heard about them they seem a bit unhinged. Do you think I'm right to say no to meeting them? If it were to happen naturally ie if I was dropping DD at their house then ok. But an arranged meeting seems weird for the parents of 19 year old who have been together only a few months.

I think it's quite strange. They are both adults. Why on earth do they need to meet you formally?

Thank you! My thoughts exactly. My exdh's parents and mine only met a few months before we got married. It's so strange.

It sounds mildly mad to me. How was this communicated to you? Directly, or via your DD? If the latter, I would just say ‘Yes, lovely, maybe at some stage when I’m less busy’ and put it on the long finger. What does your DD think?

Thats strange especially in this early relationship. I wouldn't.

Personally, whilst I don't think it's neccesary - it's not the end of the world to go for lunch or something (at a mutually convenient time) if it's important to DD so I would probably do it.

I think some families are like this. We had it once where the other parents seemed to want to take us into their lives. Not for any weird reason, they were just sociable and friendly. Don't over think it, but do what you are comfortable with.

Hmm I could understand this a bit more if they were 14 or 15 (or at the other end, looking at moving in together/marriage) but at 19 it really doesn’t seem necessary.

Can you engineer things so you drop DD at their house sometime and have a 3 min chat on the doorstep?

There is a bit of a back story and the reason I think they are unhinged.

The mum has been berating her son recently for never spending time at home, not taking his younger sister to school, saying my DD is rude when she comes to their house (she isn't)

The lad has recently started a job with very long hours and I personally don't see why he should spend his free time hanging out with his parents and younger sister if he doesn't want to. He's a nice chap as far as I can make out.

Anyway, after one of his mum's tirades, she apparently apologised to him (sort of) and said she would feel better if she met me. My DD passed on this information to me. DD does agree it's batshit but thinks if I do it it might make the mum less angry. But I don't want to be forced into meeting her!

Why wouldn’t you? Just meet for coffee somewhere if you want to keep it short and on neutral territory.
Sounds normal to me.

What culture are you all?

Very odd - unless they’re planning on getting married or something of that magnitude and there’s stuff to plan I can’t imagine why they would want to meet their teenage DS’s girlfriend’s parents. Do they exert control over their son generally? If so, perhaps they’re checking you’re the Right Sort 😂

DS and his GF have been together for over 2 yrs and we haven't met her parents yet.My parents only met my in laws once we were engaged.

Yes. Very controlling as far as I'm concerned. So that may be it. They are from a posh area and I am not so you may have a good point!

Could your DD be pregnant?

I was the parent that wanted a connection with dd’s boyfriend’s mum. They were 16, now 17 and I wanted to meet up now and then 1, because there are a few issues for them relating to their age and immaturity and 2, I just thought there was enough of a connection between us to have the occasional chat.
I think, in retrospect, I was wrong to think there was any need for us to connect other than a brief intro and occasional life admin reasons.
So in your situation, I would try and keep interactions brief or none at all.

I find that a lot weirder.

Almost certainly not.

I don’t really see what the issue is. When I had my first boyfriend at university the parents wanted to meet each other. I think my ex’s parents probably drove for an hour to have a quick coffee with my mum. You could just have a coffee somewhere.

Aren’t you curious about the people your dd stays with? I would be.

I don't think that's weird at all. Why would parents meet unless marriage/babies were on the horizon? Or there was a big birthday party or something.

All UK born and bred.

Yes, it’s a bit strange and not what you would ask for but it’s not a big deal to meet up them somewhere for a coffee, even if it’s just out of curiosity.
I wouldn’t invite them to your house though, no way. I wouldn’t go to theirs to set up the expectations that you would invite them to yours.

You know. I probably was slightly. But they have said and done such strange things that I really just don't think i want to meet them. And also there's no need in my eyes.

In two years I'd have expected there to be some kind of family get together or meal out to which the other parents would have been invited. It just seems a nice thing to do? It certainly happened both in my own relationships and those of my daughters. Sometimes we were the guests, sometimes we did the inviting.

My sixth form boyfriends mum met my parents a lot between ages of 17 and 20 we invited her to family meals etc... I thinks it's as your children spend so much time with them staying at their house, it's different from when they're 'left home' adults.

But it's a slippery slope so
Be careful!

My sil's parents have never once hosted my parents and they've been together 20 years since age 19. They've been to lots of our family events but just never have people I've to theirs

Sounds like his mum is struggling to cut the apron strings and his transition to adulthood and wants to know the people her son is spending time with as she would if he was much younger.

No harm in meeting for a coffee but take the children/adults with you as buffer and to help conversation flow.