DD's boyfriend's parents want to meet me

[Mmmmdanone]

DD and boyfriend are both 19 and have been seeing each other since June. His parents feel like they should know DD's family. I really don't think at this point that there is any need to meet the parents. Quite honestly from what I've heard about them they seem a bit unhinged. Do you think I'm right to say no to meeting them? If it were to happen naturally ie if I was dropping DD at their house then ok. But an arranged meeting seems weird for the parents of 19 year old who have been together only a few months.

That does sound nice. Maybe I'm just anti social! If, for instance, they had a party and invited me as just one of the guests then i would probably go. But to specifically want to meet me for no other reason than it would make them feel better sounds a bit odd.

This is what it seems like to me. I get it in many ways. I mean my DD doesn't hang around with me as much as she did. But that's normal and to be encouraged in my eyes.

I’ve meet my daughters boyfriends parents, we had lunch together, they are 19, however have been together more than two years. It was important for my dd and her boyfriend for us to all meet so I reluctantly agreed, however it was actually quite a lovely lunch.

Might be a good opportunity to find out how weird they really are. Might as well find out earlier rather than later. I would remain 'reserved' though. Go into it with in listen/observation mode.

Possibly! But what do I actually do with that information? Persuade DD to chuck him?

My parents and my husband's parents have met once, at our wedding. They're different people- no need for enforced socialising just because their kids are together.

@Mmmmdanone does sound a little early considering they are both adults but if it makes your daughter more comfortable perhaps say yes and do it in the new year.....that gives another couple of months in the relationship and more time to see how his parents behave over the xmas period.

Personally, if she was calling my DD rude when I knew she wasn't I would struggle to keep my thoughts on that to myself when I did meet her so maybe give it to early January and see how things are then.

I love to know parents to get a better understanding of the character. It’s usually very telling.
Your refusal to meet up might look for your DD and others (but obviously they don’t matter) as you are not interested to meet them as you don’t believe that DD and BF will stay together. So at least for this reason I would consider.
By the way my parents and in laws met up just before the wedding. It was fine, they didn’t like each other which I already knew would be the case that’s why I didn’t facilitate the meet up. However both MIL and I, DH and my parents always have had a good relationships which is more important imo.

We only met DD1s future in laws at the engagement party after our children had been together a number of years and were in their early 20s. We have next to nothing in common with them other than out adult children. DD2 and her DP have been living together for over three years and there's been no suggestion of us meeting his DM.

As PP have suggested perhaps a coffee out somewhere if this woman is insistent but other than that I'd hold off.

I think without the back story it would be different. My parents and DHs parents get on well, invite each other to social/celebration occasions we have them all to visit at the same time, sometimes for birthdays or Christmas , sometimes because it's nice weather and we fancy a BBQ. We're all going on holiday together next summer and have done so before, but I realise this is alien behaviour on MN!

The first time they met was accidental, I had my own flat, DH used to stay pretty much every weekend before he moved in as he lived in a shared house. His mum and dad had taken us out to lunch as they were in the area, they came back to my place for coffee, my mum then called and said we're close by are you in for a cup of tea? So I just said yes and they all met. We were about 25 and had been together about 6-9 months.

We met our daughters boyfriends parents for her 19th birthday meal. They had been together for nearly a year. It was very chilled, we both have similar parenting styles and expectations- my daughter was in her first year of uni so it was important for us that she prioritised (she did)

They still together now and we haven’t seen the parents since - we did all got on well but no real need to! I think there is some plan to do another meal for their 21st birthdays.

My son and his GF are 19 and been together for a year and a half. I recently invited her family over for a meal at our house as I thought it was a nice thing to do. I had previously been round for a quick coffee to see their new kitten.
Re the meal, friends were divided on this....most of our female friends thought it was nice. Most of our male friends thought it was weird. It was a pleasant evening. We're never going to be best friends but I thought after a year and a half it was weird not to have met them!

This is quite strange to me. Meeting your children's partners' parents is such a no brainer to me. Not in a super formal way, but I think at some point that if the parents of a boyfriend/girlfriend were local or visiting, there'd always have been some kind of expectation of a meeting of some sort. But then, I'm South African and as a rule, casual bbqs at people's houses or meeting up for a coffee is not really a big deal.

I can see that living in England now, it might not be as automatic and as organic as that - I'm still struggling to get my head around the fact that I've met almost none of DS' friends' parents, and that there's no expectation of a broader community via his school (parents aren't even allowed to attend sports matches!). And when I do meet the parents, it's been made clear to me that they mostly want to avoid any kind of interaction or relationship (except the two families whose parents are also not English! )

Yeah that's weird. I was with my ex for 9 years and his parents never met mine (admittedly they lived in a different country but they visited enough that it could have happened if there was any desire on either side).

My parents have met DH's dad and stepmum (his mum has passed away) once, at our wedding. They're all perfectly lovely people but very, very different to each other and with no need for new friends or to become 'one big family' just because we were together.

At 19 (ie adults) and so early on yes, I would find that very odd! Might be helpful so you can support your daughter I suppose, depending just how odd/angry the mum is...

Why the fuck did they need to have a 'quick coffee'?

My DD was with her first long-term boyfriend from 15-20 and we never met his parents. I wouldn’t recognise them if I fell over them.

She’s been with her partner for about 3 years and his mother wanted to meet us fairly early on. She’s pretty controlling and a bit batshit so a similar situation to the OP. They came round for coffee and we made polite small talk, but we didn’t exactly form a lifelong friendship! 😂

My parents and DH’s parents knew each other before we got together as our dads had worked in the same place. They’ve seen each other precisely 3 times since then; our wedding and two christenings. They were not particularly keen on each other to say the least, but were perfectly polite and civil. They did send each other Christmas cards and things like get well and new home cards, and did enquire after each other. Life was just easier if they were far apart!

You'd find our family bizarre then - I've enjoyed Christmas with my brother's in laws on multiple occasions, and DH's family has often come to my parents or sister's house for Christmas or other events.

Wait for it... I've even had dinner and drinks with brother's in laws on my own when they visited my city once so we met up after work. Had a lovely evening!

My other brother's in laws don't even speak much English and we don't speak their language, but when they've visited South Africa, my family have entertained and hosted them. It's just considered normal!

I've been with DP for 15 years and my DPs have met MIL once, about 10 years ago, when she stayed with us for Xmas and we all went out for dinner on boxing day.

They do sound weird. Even as teenagers my parents didn't meet my friends' parents. That stopped as soon as I went to secondary school!

Super weird. If you do agree to meet, make it brief and on mutual ground like a Christmas market or something.

No I don't find that bizarre, it's obviously what works for your family. What I find weird with the OP's situation is the kind of... formal request to meet? As if the kids were young teens. All families have different dynamics but this isn't happening naturally and organically, it's being pushed by one side 🫤

I lived close to my DH when we were "courting" so the parents knew each other.
With my DC I met the mothers' (no fathers) of their partners once before they married. One ranted at me that the DC were too young (they were but I wasn't a hypocrite to tell them so), the other is a lovely lady who is much older than me but twice as glamorous!
Of the exes I'd met parents when I'd picked the DC up if they'd opened the door before the DC scrambled out! 🤣 I'd have been a bit puzzled by a formal invitation before it became serious.

We met eldest dd bf parents when she was 22 they had been together about 6m. We had a meal and it was lovely. We found it a bit strange as we hadn't done that with our parents but apparently the bf parents had done with their parents so I guess for them it was the norm. (They are also very posh.) we have met them several times since and get on fine.

When youngest dd was 20 and met her bf she wanted us to meet parents (probably because older dd had) no one understood why we were there so it was very awkward

DD and her DP have been together for 10 years....I've still yet to meet his parents.

I met my daughter’s husband’s father and family on the day of the wedding. No big deal as far as I was concerned. My daughter is happy and I’ve met her now husband many times before the wedding so that was good enough for me. I never met any of her previous boyfriends’ parents.

I'm in my fifties, and DH and I have been together for about 25 years. Our parents are all alive, still married to each other, and genuinely lovely, kind people. They all met for the first time just after we got engaged, over 20 years ago, and obviously at our wedding, but never since. My parents think of DH as a son, and my in-laws of me as a daughter, but none of us has felt the need for them to spend time together - they get on perfectly well, but live 2 hours apart, and don’t have enough in common to sustain a friendship. As we are all adults, there is just no need to force it.

My parents never met any of my previous boyfriends’ parents either! Why is it necessary? Parents of adults don’t need to have a separate relationship - their connection is all an adjunct to the couple’s relationship. Indeed, if they get on well, it can put pressure on especially younger people to stay together, for fear of rocking the boat. Unless the families are unhealthily enmeshed, I don’t know why either set of parents of adults would feel the need. Their children aren’t 15.