DD's boyfriend's parents want to meet me

[Mmmmdanone]

DD and boyfriend are both 19 and have been seeing each other since June. His parents feel like they should know DD's family. I really don't think at this point that there is any need to meet the parents. Quite honestly from what I've heard about them they seem a bit unhinged. Do you think I'm right to say no to meeting them? If it were to happen naturally ie if I was dropping DD at their house then ok. But an arranged meeting seems weird for the parents of 19 year old who have been together only a few months.

My parents have never met my partner’s parents. We’ve known each other for 26 years, been together for 13 years and have 2 kids. No issues it’s just not happened.

I was with my ex for 12 years. My mum met his parents at our wedding.

And even then! I’ve been with DP eight years and we’ve got two kids, our respective parents have never met. Why would they need to?

Yes. Very controlling as far as I'm concerned.

If they were that controlling, and this was all a ruse to spy on their dd, they would even let her have a boyfriend at all.

The only boyfriend my parents met were one I went out with for four years at uni/just after and then eventual DH. DPs did not meet ex's parents as his parents were both dead.

DD2 (14) has a boyfriend who is 15, I have met his mum, but we just had a chat on her doorstep really, I think we were just making sure neither of us had two heads.

Thanks for all the replies. It's really interesting reading about how you all socialise or not with the other families. I think I have been influenced by my own mum, who really just let me get on with it. I'm not from a very sociable family I guess! Also, I was away at university at that age so my parents pretty much just had a name if I had a boyfriend, and would never have dreamed of getting involved beyond meeting them if I brought them home, which was rare. (Sound like I had multiple boyfriends but I really didn't!)

Really appreciate all your perspectives on this.

Why would you think this?

Was going to say this, and dare I say it but it seems to be very common in the lower working class groups. Bringing a boyfriend home and he's treated like a family member 3 days into the relationship. I remember a school mum telling me she moved her (then) husband in with her and her 4 dc four days after they met. She had early teen dc and she treated their relationships like a marriage, it was very odd! All very enmeshed at such early stages, very few if any boundaries.

I'd just agree and meet up in town for a coffee. After about 20 mins I'd stand up and say 'lovely to meet you, I must do my bits of shopping now'. No Biggie.

I've just RTFT and equally I think it's very odd to be married/long term partners for 10+ years and have dc and the parents have never met. Do you not have birthday parties for your dc, meet up at Christmas etc?

I'm the one with the DD, but from what I can gather the boyfriend's parents definitely don't want him to have a girlfriend. But how could they stop him other than keeping him locked in the house? He has a job and a car.

The mum has complained that he never sits with them and watches tv etc. But what 19 year old man with a job and girlfriend wants to sit and watch TV with his mum and dad? Maybe occasionally, but they seem to want it to be frequently. I'm just a bit puzzled I suppose. In a way I'd like to meet up and ask if they remember being 19. I do, and it didn't involve a whole lot of watching TV with mum and dad.

We had this, and yes we thought it was super weird. They were a bit odd! So odd that people won't accept their kids are adults

Your decision, but I would probably meet her for a short time in order to make your DD's life a bit easier.

I have never had a BF whose parents lived in the same city as mine, so my parents only met my DH's parents (twice), as they live on different continents. They like each other and have spoken on the phone since.

My DD (now 15) has had a boyfriend for almost a year. After about five months I met his mother, as I wanted to make sure we were more or less on the same page and as our kids were spending a lot of time together and are quite young. They had invited us for dinner, but we demurred. I like the mom, they are exactly the sort of people we would choose to be friends with, but as it's likely the kids will break up at some point, we don't want to complicate it through family friendship.

I suspect we will eventually meet, but maybe not at dinner at their home. If the kids are still together in the summer, we plan to take him on vacation with us/they plan to take DD with them; that might be a natural point to meet.

After a few months? Absolutely bonkers

I'm definitely in this camp!

And the other thing is, what of they meet me and think I'm awful? That wouldn't make DD's life any easier.
(I'm not awful, but they seem to think my DD is rude which she most definitely isn't, so who knows? 🤣)

Do it do it do it. Do NOT give your dd any reason to blame you for any break up which occurs.

plus if they’re dicks in front of you it might give her some pause for thought on him anyway so not the worst thing (even if he is a nice guy)

but don’t be the barrier - let them be the barrier.

@Mmmmdanone if they think you are awful then they aren't the kind of people you want DD surrounding herself with anyway. She won't see that yet though. And you may find them awful - stuck up and snobby. Or, you might really get on.

I get it though I always feel like the poor relation in friendship groups and social activities, it's normally very much in my own head but it's something I'm always aware of even by if the people I'm with don't have that opinion.

How were you thinking of getting out of it though,
I you are meeting, don’t go to their house or invite them to yours, meet in a neutral place for a quick coffee and then say you have to rush off

If you meet in their house, it slightly puts them in a position of more power because you are on their territory, it also gives her an opportunity to show off

I would probably make it clear that it is unnecessary but agree to meeting for a very quick coffee, definitely Dosen’t warrant anything formal at this very early stage

Depends on geography, doesn’t it? My in-laws are in Yorkshire, we’re south coast. They’re not going to pop down for a four year old’s bouncy castle party (tbf, my nearby parents wouldn’t come by for that either!). Getting two separate families together for Christmas would be a helluva mission, and for what purpose? The only thing they have in common is “our child goes out with your child”; conversation would run thin after that.

Do you like the bf? Ask him if he thinks it’s a good idea or not.

I do like him. But I'm not sure he has the best perspective on it. He just wants to keep his parents happy, whereas that isn't my top priority. I just want to keep me happy!

I did this with my DD2s first serous relationship. She was 16 and about to start staying over.

I hadn't done it with DD1 and regretted it somewhat. She was even younger (14-15) and her DBFs mother was dangerously irresponsible with NO grasp of boundaries.

DH didn't want them (BFs) staying over at home and I hated having them at risk in someone else's home.

I'm glad I did it because at least we've put names to faces and they're still going strong 2 years on.

Well yes, that’s clear, but don’t you wish to keep your daughter happy? She wants you to say yes, so why not, to support her.

stop judging their parenting based on what two teens talk about, be a grown up and support your daughter. Go and have a quick coffee and be polite.

At 19 they are both legally adults - a strange request from his parents!

Well, without being too much of a pushover about things, sometimes humouring people means a lot to them and costs us very little. If you do decide to meet his mum, suggest coffee in a café. Do some small talk, tell her her son is a lovely young man and she should be proud of him, ask her a bunch of polite but not too deep questions about herself (the more she talks about herself the less you have to tell her about you). Be clear you’re proud of the young adult your daughter has become. And bail early if she’s batshit and starts badmouthing your daughter or is rude to you.
I agree with you that parents don’t get any kind of say over their adult children’s choice of partner so it’s all a bit ridiculous, but if you turn up and treat it a bit like taking a work client to lunch, it might pay off in terms of calm respectful relationships for you in the future.