DD's boyfriend's parents want to meet me

[Mmmmdanone]

DD and boyfriend are both 19 and have been seeing each other since June. His parents feel like they should know DD's family. I really don't think at this point that there is any need to meet the parents. Quite honestly from what I've heard about them they seem a bit unhinged. Do you think I'm right to say no to meeting them? If it were to happen naturally ie if I was dropping DD at their house then ok. But an arranged meeting seems weird for the parents of 19 year old who have been together only a few months.

Well yes, that’s clear, but don’t you wish to keep your daughter happy? She wants you to say yes, so why not, to support her.

stop judging their parenting based on what two teens talk about, be a grown up and support your daughter. Go and have a quick coffee and be polite

This,
what is the big deal, can you not just go and do it for your daughter, All you have to do is be polite for an hour or so, most people wouldn’t find it that difficult to do.

If you refuse to do it you will come across as stubborn and difficult

My DD had an ex whose parents were very controlling.

I did meet them and it allowed me to say “well, no, I disagree” when they brought up things like “we think they should be spending 4/5 Saturday nights at home with parents”.

It also gave me the chance to see DDs boyfriend with his parents and I realised he was as rude to his mother as his father was. It stood me in good stead to gently point it out to DD when he started it with her.

I would meet them. See exactly what your DD is dealing with.

I would meet for a quick coffee in a cafe and have another appointment to rush off to. I would be doing it to support dd, not for the benefit of the (potentially batshit) bf's mum.

I spoke to DD again about it earlier and said I would meet them if she would like me to. She's not even that sure herself what she wants. I'll wait and see what happens next. Thanks for your input!

You're from different cultures @OP and you actually sound quite rude and opinionated about the other couple. I can see why they think your DD is rude. You all have completely different values and I don't see it getting any better.

Wtf??? 🤣

’UK’ isn’t a culture 😳

Also if you do meet them you get to cut through the noise and see for yourself what they are like, right now you’re going on second hand gossip from a whinging son. Plenty folks this age whinge about their parents, it would be a foolish person who thinks that it is the whole truth. I’m fairly positive your own daughter has said some shit about you.

My point is do I need to know the truth? What business is it of mine at this point? I don't believe my DD is talking shit about me but at the end of the day this is to a 5 month boyfriend so it doesn't really matter. His relationship with his parents doesn't concern me. I've said to DD I'll meet them if it matters to her but it's not something would have expected after a 5 month relationship.

I agree that there are so many cultures, different in so many ways in the UK. I'm really lucky to have met a wonderful family through my son and his girlfriend. Both families are glad of their child's happiness. Both teens are leading this contact with own and other's family, which is a really heartwarming affair. It's light, supportive, respectful and polite. There are many different ways to do it.

You can laugh all you want but your tone about them is quite condescending,
The mum has complained that he never sits with them and watches tv etc. But what 19 year old man with a job and girlfriend wants to sit and watch TV with his mum and dad? is quite telling.

Their family dynamics is none of your business, Just because you wouldn't dream of spending time with your parents at 19 doesn't mean every 19yr old is the same. What is your definition of spending time occasionally? probably very different from theirs. You should have respectfully noted the differences and just kept quiet.

I'm just a bit puzzled I suppose. In a way I'd like to meet up and ask if they remember being 19, Clear lack of boundaries here and over presumptious if you did ask. You clearly think you have something superior to say, you don't.

You may think your DD has lovely manners but judging by your own lack of awareness I'd say she probably is just as annoying.

Well since you asked 😊 I wasn’t raised by my parents, of the people that raised me (who I think of as my actual parents) one is 90 and the other is already gone. We are close but they don’t get out much now.

My mum lives abroad. We are pretty lc. She is the last person I want my lovely in laws anywhere near.

My kids are 3, and 4 months. We’ve just moved closer to family after 10+ years about a 90 minute drive away.

Christmases before kids were either alternated or at our respective parents for dinner then taking it in turns which house we went to after dinner. Since kids it’s been lockdown 1, we all had Covid in 2021, 2022 we were supposed to move before Christmas but it was delayed so we didn’t see anyone due to the distance and short notice.

This year elderly relative will have my mother there at Christmas dinner. If he didn’t then he would be joining us of course.

I’m not sure when a meeting would have happened organically, and I don’t see any reason to force an awkward meeting between both sets of parents just for the sake of introducing the parents of a 30/40 something couple 😂 my grandad is shy and so is partner’s dad. Why do they need to meet? Neither would be comfortable and no one sees any reason to force it. Like I said, no issues, it’s just not happened.

DD, her DP and his parents live a 6-8 hour (depending on time of year), round trip away so any meeting will have to involve booking a hotel room overnight. Added to which we all have jobs of which mine is the only 1 that is Monday-Friday (albeit shift work). Trying to arrange to see DD is bad enough, due to clashing work schedules, without trying to work around her DP's and his parents as well, DD also works most Christmas Eves and Boxing days so we have our Christmas in January. Me and his mum do message each other occasionally but we probably won't get to meet until our "children" get married in 2025.

Going somewhat against the grain, I don’t find it a particularly odd request though it’s perhaps come quite early on. I agree with you about doing this for her sake even though you feel no need of it. She might find it helpful for you to have a bit of a handle on what they’re like. Perhaps a quick coffee early in the new year?

I’m on the fence. On the one hand it doesn’t seem that weird, but equally if you think they want to meet you to see if you are good enough to be in-laws I’d feel a bit ‘fuck you’.

I think my compromise would be I’d be happy to meet once they have been together long enough to consider their relationship long term. So in six years time 😎

I think underneath it all, this is the crux of the matter. I think you are feeling some anxiety over meeting them and will come up with any reason under the sun to avoid meeting up with them.

In reality, what harm could it do? They will be as keen to impress as you I should think. You might find you get on well and it's a positive thing.

FWIW I think you are being a bit sniffy over his parents' views on his family involvement. If his mum is vocal about wanting him to spend some time socialising with his family, she is only expressing out loud what many parents want of adult children living at home. And good for her - if he is benefitting from living at home, she should be allowed to express her desire to see him occasionally.

I didn't pretend with either of my adult children that I didn't care about seeing them. At the age of 19 they probably rolled their eyes at my insistence on a weekly 'family night' (when home with us of course) but as older adults both DD and DS are still close to us and now love and value our family time (along with respective partners).

Crikey my parents didn't meet DH's parents until the night before our wedding.

We'd been together for 5 years at that point.

I'm not sure (the BF) has the best perspective on it. He just wants to keep his parents happy

While it's nice that he's considerate that could also turn into a big red flag, especially with what you've said about his mum taking against DD

Since she's "not even that sure herself what she wants", apart from supporting her I'd probably leave the meet up for now. If she decides the whole thing just isn't worth it maybe that could be a positive?

DS and his gf are both 19 and have been going out just over 18 months. I have met both her parents - her dad as the four of us were at the same concert and her mum a couple of times when DS was unexpectedly released early from hospital and she’d brought her DD to see him but instead I got to take her home 😊 and also when I drove both DS and gf back to university recently. None of these were organised but I am glad to have met both of them.

If your DD isn’t sure what she wants then I’d suggest waiting until she does - don’t pander to strangers while your DD is uncertain.

No-one I know would be asking to meet their teenager’s gf/bf’s parents after such a short space of time - what’s to be gained by it? Meetings tend to happen organically when both young people have been dating for a lot longer or if there’s an important event coming up.

saying my DD is rude when she comes to their house (she isn't)

Yup, that would be a hard no thank you from me. I wouldn't really be interested in meeting someone who said that about my kid.

If we met on the doorstep or some other general interaction I would be polite, but I wouldn't seek them out for a social occasion.

I would always be welcoming of the son - as long as my DD wanted him in her life.

How much time are they spending in each other’s house? If he us practically living with you, I wouldn’t see a problem to pop in for a coffee if his mum casually invited you over.

3 course dinner / BBQ with husbands… no, just no.

DD has been with her BF for about a year and a half. I've met his parents a few times... they initially invited me round for coffee before last Christmas. I thought it was really lovely tbh and nice to know them a bit better given that dd is spending a fair amount of time with them.

BF's mum is just lovely and warm and welcoming. Clearly she felt that she wanted to get to know me a bit, and I was happy to have the opportunity to meet her. Nothing remotely weird or controlling about it... just really friendly.

I was with my Ex H for 25 years and I can count on my fingers the times our parents met each other.
There were no issues, they got on fine when their paths crossed but other than family occasions and parties, there was as no need for them to meet.

Since we split I dated someone for 2.5 y are - his parents no longer alive but he never met mine, just didn’t see the need but obviously we are a lot older.

I've been with DH for the best part of 30 years, and his parents never actually met mine, due to being on different continents. Sadly, both of his have passed away now, so they never will.

None of my family have ever met any of his family, though they have seen each other on video calls. They don't have a language in common so they wouldn't really be able to communicate in any case.

My mum always found it quite weird that she shared a grandchild with a woman she had never met and a life that was incredibly different from her own!!