DD's boyfriend's parents want to meet me

[Mmmmdanone]

DD and boyfriend are both 19 and have been seeing each other since June. His parents feel like they should know DD's family. I really don't think at this point that there is any need to meet the parents. Quite honestly from what I've heard about them they seem a bit unhinged. Do you think I'm right to say no to meeting them? If it were to happen naturally ie if I was dropping DD at their house then ok. But an arranged meeting seems weird for the parents of 19 year old who have been together only a few months.

Reviving this from 3 months ago, if that’s okay, as find ourselves in same thing 😅

It’s opened my eyes so much reading this thread (thanks all posters)
cos my overwhelming instinct and our way of living is to embrace the other family, as PP said
“ if both families are glad of their child's happiness, both teens are leading this contact with own and other's family, which is a really heartwarming affair. It's light, supportive, respectful and polite. There are many different ways to do it.”

Yet i am like 😥as most PPs not only are anti this but even find it weird. Can any who find it okay and normal tell me how it went for you! were you rejected? Would need to wrap my head around this if it’s not okay. Would be like having coffee, offering little gifts, inviting to travel, some low key things like tickets or new openings, local simple things, help with work exp, karaoke, clubbing, in a usual friendship way, all the while perfectly okay if the dc wake up any day and decide it’s not for them to go out. It just seems natural and wholesome.
But for any who find it weird please do chime in some more with why and what you do do or expect to do ? This is basically where dc are hanging out and going out bfgf and …. What is good way to go about this if you as a family tend to befriend other families, and any guidelines ☺️

@cherrymarshymallow , I like the bf's family. We have a cordial relationship now, if there were any issues I would definitely talk to his mom. But I am not pursuing a friendship because that might backfire if - when - the kids break up.
However, we took the boyfriend to a city break with us, my daughter will be going with them in the summer, he will also come with us. I think being welcoming to the bf/gf is the best move you can make.

Yabu

Have you met them now @Mmmmdanone ?

Very late to this thread, but I'll put my two pennies worth in . The first time DH's and my parents met was to visit the hotel that we were getting married in - 2.5 years after meeting.

DS and his GF are 20, been together for a year and I've never met her Mum. Just never seen a reason to do it!

I've been with DH for 23 years, and our parents have met twice. Once at our graduation and once at our wedding. Isn't that more normal?

No I haven't. And to be honest the more i hear about them the more unhinged they sound so I'll avoid as long as possible!
Your arrangement sounds more normal to me.

Yes, definitely!

Anything you want to do would be fine although could get awkward if they split up and you parents are all friends!Going travelling sounds odd to me though.
My situation was that my dd had been with the boy for 5 months, and these parents sound truly awful. And they were almost demanding to meet me. The bf has bow moved out to his own flat (because they were so vile) so it's not like my dd is in their home much now.
I wouldn't have been this resistant if they had sounded lovely and friendly.

I think peoples experiences will depend a lot on where people are located

my eldest’s partner of 4/5 years is South American. Never met parents. Can’t afford a flight. Don’t have passport now . I exchange Xmas cards saying lovely things about their lovely dc. I don’t expect to meet them even if they’re visiting uk (very very rare) as dc is in 1 bed flat in london which is 250 miles from me.

younger dc partner’s parents of nearly 7 years also never met in person - the parents in London, dc and partner in midlands and that’s still 200 miles away. I’ve been in a joint call with the mum over a specific issue we were both trying to help with, and again exchange Xmas cards etc

its not like the parents can pop into mine for a cuppa or vice versa. Even my dcs can’t do that!

so, if they ever decide to marry, and get engaged then, yes, maybe I’ll meet before the weddings , but even that might be difficult.

my parents and ILs only met a couple of times in our 30 year marriage. And one of those was at our wedding. Again they lived 400 miles from each other and we were 200 miles and 600 miles away from them at the time.

in turn neither of my grandparents on both sides, or my husbands ever “got together” even though they lived in same respective towns . Well they might have done at start but by the time I was born and aware I never saw them in same room, and husbands parents fell out with each other over a big skeleton in the cupboard apparently 😱🤣

What you’ve had an expectation of as in your own life, means it doesn’t occur to you to do anything else. Just cos my dc love their partners doesn’t mean I even need to know the parents. They’re independent adults and it’s THEIR relationship with their partners parents that matters. My job is to try to have a good relationship with their partner and obviously dc themselves! Any influence I have in their relationship with their “ils” was finished when they left home as independent beings.( eg raising them to be polite, considerate, etc)

yes, if you live close, can be friends, share support for their relationship and life, well that’s lovely and bloody lucky frankly. It just isn’t possible or even on radar of many people.

That's all very well @Dartwarbler , but that isn't the case for OP, who lives near enough to the other family for contact to be relatively normal. We're not talking about two families who live countries or continents way.

Yep, I did read that 🤦‍♀️. Point I was making is that for some families who’ve never done this, it is a very odd and weird thing. It’s about family culture and expectations. Even if my dc dated someone whose parent lived very near me I’d not be that comfortable as I’d see it as an over step into their lives apart from me. I think my dc would find it an over reach as well. They need to form their own relationships and sometimes it best that’s done out of sight of your own parents due to individual family dynamics.

i certainly didn’t behave in front of my ILs in Same way as my own parents. I think that’d led to all sorts of petty jealousies on behalf of my MIL, and my ILs overstepping my own personal boundaries I had with them. It was much better they were kept apart frankly 😱🤷🏼‍♀️

Í've met all 3 of my daughters boyfriends parents.

DD2 was 15, DD1 & 3 were 17. We have a big bbq every summer and we invite them all.

Dd1's previous BF I met the father at a drop off but avoided the mother because she was awful. Perhaps if I'd met her she'd have put DD1 under less pressure.

I've been with my DP nearly 30 years and our parents have never met!

Meeting new people is good under any circumstances. It doesn't have to be a big deal. A quick coffee in town. Then you don't have to speculate about them or rely on second hand opinion, because you will know what they are like, which is always a good thing too And it doesn't create a life time commitment. Best to meet as many people as you can in life. Meeting someone doesn't set any future obligations ever, but sometimes it results in great outcomes.

How is that? Is one of you completely estranged from their parents?

My Mum didn't meet my MIL until the day I had my first baby, even though DH & I had been married 18mths by then (my Mum didn't come to my wedding, long story...).

When they did meet it was accidental - only happened because I went into labour a bit early & Mum was staying for a weekend visit at the time.

No need to meet until a wedding date is set imo. 🙂

Why would they need to be estranged to not meet each other? If you don’t all live in the same area there’s no occasion to meet other than a wedding, and that poster says “DP” rather than “DH”. I’ve been with my DP a decade and our parents have never met, neither set is estranged. We’re just not geographically compatible. And even then, why and for what reason? All they have in common is “our children go out with each other”, that topic gets old quickly.

How is that? Is one of you completely estranged from their parents?

It's just never occurred. We aren't married, our kids have never been christened, etc. There's never been a reason for them to meet - plus, I know they'd hate each other so I would never encourage it anyway, it would be carnage. It's bad enough managing my divorced parents being in the same room 🙈

It's not like they are engaged and to marry- are they from some very traditional household and thiks he will propose to her?

Could he have been taking about proposing in front of his parents I wonder.

yeah ! This ! same 😭 Can’t get my head yet around why this is weird. Am working on it 😀

Sounds odd. We never met any of DD's boyfriends' parents and only met her now-DH's parents once (pub lunch) a few weeks before the wedding.

It’s a trap, op. You are not the reason their son was spending less time at home, so meeting you would only had given them ammunition against your daughter.

Hopefully they will be able to see the son has a life and is ready to move on from home and them. As harsh as that sounds.

Interesting thread and we are the parents who asked DD's boyfriends parents round for lunch after 6 months of them dating and got turned down.

Our reasoning was firstly tjatbit isnt a big deal. We have met all of our children's friends parents and had very many round for bbqs, lunches, dinner, drinks, coffee. We are a very sociable family.

Their son spends a lot of time here and we felt it would be nice for them to see where he spends so much time. They are very local to us so no travelling involved.

Before i invited them I asked both of the kids what they thought of it and both thought it was normal/were up for it. Dd now feels some.negativoty around the whole thing but I told her not to take it personally because clearly some people feel like that.

There might also be a cultural element here as I am from a different culture and very family orientated/close knit. But having said that most people I have met have warmed to beciming friendly with us when our kids are involved so it's not that unusual.

My mother in law used to say to my husband when he was single, if she isn´t "the one" I don´t want to meet her. I favour that, really. I would kick the can down the road with this one. Tell your daughter that appeasement to unreasonable characters doesn´t work.