Got told that he is a cheat

[Anhen]

I got contacted by my fiancée’s ex a few days ago. She made a lot of horrible allegations, and I’m really struggling with this. I haven’t told him yet as I’m unsure what to do.
I know that they had a bad breakup so I’m inclined to take things with a pinch of salt but it’s really hard to see things clearly. She basically told me that he cheated continuously throughout their relationship and gaslit her all the while, and that she only realised when another woman contacted her who he had treated abysmally. That woman was a colleague that he had hooked up with while working abroad.

The thing is that he does travel regularly for work, and often to the same places. I never even thought about it or had any reason to doubt him but now I’m rethinking and questioning so much, and I feel horrible doing this. He left today for a 3 day work event and I feel sick to my stomach because I don’t know what to believe, and I also feel a bit repulsed. I don’t feel like I can talk to someone about this because I feel embarrassed at the same time.

Has anyone else been in this position and what did you do to get clarity? I’m feeling quite insecure right now and I don’t want to ruin everything because of someone’s word.

Having been the women that was in her shoes I would be inclined to believe her.

Sounds like you're doubting him rather than her which speaks volumes.

Does she have any proof of this?

If she doesn't want him back and is generally a decent person I doubt she'd want to hurt you unnecessarily?

But hard to say for sure.

Yikes...

I'd be inclined to ask to see the messages from the woman that told her.

'Thanyou for getting in touch. Assuming you are woman to woman giving me a heads up and not, telling me these things with nefarious intent, I appreciate it. Is there any way you could substantiate these claims? I mean, do you have any messages between her and you (or him and you) that I could see that confirm the cheating? If so I'd really appreciate that, thankyou'.

Was she implying that he’s cheating on you?

No she didn’t imply that he was cheating on me. She said that it took her years to realise that he had been cheating on her constantly and his work trips abroad were part of that routine. She did mention some very nasty stuff and said that she could provide me with details if I wanted to. I’m just so unsure if I really want to go down that route in case this is some sort of retribution. As I said I have never had any reason to doubt him so I am unsure.

I think if she has proof / details you should ask to see. If it’s not true she won’t be able to substantiate it. But you could be saving yourself a lot of heartache by finding out the truth now.

It takes a lot of courage to come forward with this information.

I'd believe her.

Definitely message to find out.

A woman rang my SIL many moons ago and said her husband was a cheat. She said 'oh no it will just be someone who is bitter, jealous etc etc. She ignored her. Only to find out 6 months later , he was a cheat.

I would believe her.

When a woman reaches out to warn you about a man, believe her.

I would believe her, but ask for proof

How long has it taken her to pass on this information? Months, years? If it's been a long time and she could have contacted you before I would be a bit wary, but I would want to see her evidence.

I'd be inclined to believe her too. I dumped my ex when I found out he cheated.

He is now with a lovely woman and they have two small children. I recently found out that he's regularly unfaithful to her with women half his age. Cheaters sadly don't tend to change.

I had a very lucky escape and maybe you will too.

Can you turn up wherever he is?

I would want to see the proof she has plus possibly ask if she has a name of any of the women he cheated with.

I would want to check this out particularly if there were some nasty issues.

It sounds like she has little to gain, unless she's a psycho wanting to create as much chaos as possible for him.

Have to say that if he does work away a lot, it does sound like he has curated the perfect career for him to cheat.

This is a sliding doors moment, you would be naïve not to investigate further

Just because he cheated on her doesn’t mean he would do it to you
But if you start to confront him without trying to find evidence first, he then has the chance to hide things

Its unusual for this to happen,so I'd be inclined to believe her at this stage and ask for more information.

I’d ask for more information as I’m sorry to say I’d be inclined to believe her.

There was a study around cheaters in subsequent relationships and they found they were 3-4 times more likely to cheat in a new relationship than someone who has never cheated. Simply put they’re not a good bet unless they’ve really worked on the dark hole they fill. Most won’t bother. It’s not about the relationship they’re in, it’s about their selfishness and entitlement.

You deserve to feel safe with the man you are going to marry. I’d definitely dig deeper.

Sorry but if they cheat consistently on one partner then of course they'll cheat consistently on you.

Habitual cheating on someone has nothing to do with who you are with and everyting do with them being a morally destitute low life.

To say they'd do that to one person but not another, is ridiclious and quite frankly, victim blaming.

As for 'why now?', thats a simple one. At first she would have assumed the relationship may just be a fling and you'd not need to know so not want to get involved. But now she knows he's hoodwinked you she feels morally obligated to say something. Also as you recovered from abuse (gaslighting ect) you often come to a point where you find your anger again. And so - how dare they go on to try and destroy yet another person! Not on my watch!

You say you fear retribution...that's an off choice in words.

I'd have no problem with my partner hearing an ex out because I have nothing to hide. It's not a betrayal for a woman to protect herself by gathering info on a man she dates. A woman's most important responsibility is to gkeep gerself safe. There's nothing to say she has to believe the ex. It's just information gathering for saftey purposes.

I would believe her and ask for proof. Also use this three days to go through his stuff, laptop, pc, kindle iPad etc and drawers anywhere he might hide things and then decide from their.

Might be worthwhile meeting her in person for coffee. You can get a better sense of someone and if they are sane and honest or not, when face to face.

I would definitely meet up with her and hear what she had to say. If she's telling the truth they she has been very brave and is doing you a massive favour.

It doesn’t mean he has cheated on you but I definitely wouldn’t dismiss it. I think people can cheat as a one off in an out of character way, but if it’s habitual then I agree they’re extremely unlikely to change (they might manage to hold out for a while but fall back to their old ways eventually).

I would definitely ask her for more info/proof if possible and do as much digging as you can.

Did she say why she decided to get in touch with you now?

Thanks, I’ve reply to her …