Got told that he is a cheat

[Anhen]

I got contacted by my fiancée’s ex a few days ago. She made a lot of horrible allegations, and I’m really struggling with this. I haven’t told him yet as I’m unsure what to do.
I know that they had a bad breakup so I’m inclined to take things with a pinch of salt but it’s really hard to see things clearly. She basically told me that he cheated continuously throughout their relationship and gaslit her all the while, and that she only realised when another woman contacted her who he had treated abysmally. That woman was a colleague that he had hooked up with while working abroad.

The thing is that he does travel regularly for work, and often to the same places. I never even thought about it or had any reason to doubt him but now I’m rethinking and questioning so much, and I feel horrible doing this. He left today for a 3 day work event and I feel sick to my stomach because I don’t know what to believe, and I also feel a bit repulsed. I don’t feel like I can talk to someone about this because I feel embarrassed at the same time.

Has anyone else been in this position and what did you do to get clarity? I’m feeling quite insecure right now and I don’t want to ruin everything because of someone’s word.

vauge as you like-whats "nasty"?

I tend to have faith in ‘the sisterhood’ and would take this as a well-intended warning. I’m not saying there aren’t bad faith actors, but I’d tend to believe what she’s describing as her lived experience, and then figure out how credible it is in yours.

If true it’s cheating (incl blackmailing the other party) as well as prostitutes and drugs. I’ll see what she comes back with but it’s disgusting stuff.

This does not sound good OP.
Not sure she’s making all these things up.
All dealbreakers in their own right.
💐

Blackmailing the other party in which way? 'Don't tell my partner or I'll tell yours' ... or... more like sextortion? I mean both are horrible but if it's the later then he's some sort of a psychopath and maybe there are signs, with that in mind, you could spot for yourself in him if you look back on your time together. Things that niggles you at the time about him but you dismissed or assumed you were mistaken in thinking.

Christ, OP. You must be so stressed. I’d meet her asap.

As a younger woman I’d have been inclined down the crazy ex/he won’t be like that with me route. Now I’m in my 40s I know that bad stories just don’t follow good men around.

This makes me sick on your behalf.

Unfortunately I don’t think it is going to turn out to be jumping the gun to say that I hope he gets his balls trapped in the aeroplane toilet flushing mechanism and they tumble down into the Channel while you are packing your bags.

If she has proof why wouldn't you want to see. My ex husband got accused and the woman had all the proof. So once it sunk in with me I had it altogether and came in great for the divorce..Stupid guy denied everything at the time, then showed the months of proof of his cheating and he tried alsorts like his phone was hacked even tho it clearly showed his number blah blah. Anyway I left the same day and never looked back. 3 months of marriage all fake from him

BTW I wouldn't tell your DP any of this until you have seen the evidence and maybe even talked to her / met up.

There are people who cheat in a relationship and it is genuinely a one off. There are others who who seek out sexual partners on a continual, chronic pattern of infidelity. You need to work out which your DP is.

See this as an opportunity to look at your DP without rose tinted glasses on.

It is unusual for exes to reach out like this so I would definitely hear her out.

A friend of mine has just come out of this situation. She was in a serious relationship with a guy… long story short, he actually had 3 kids and a wife he lived with, as well as another serious gf, all three women found out eventually. They then found out he was also visiting prostitutes in between seeing them! This guy was the ‘loveliest’ guy…

sadly, this isn’t an entirely uncommon story…

@Anhen I hope you’re ok today. These are extreme accusations and I honestly can’t believe anyone would make them without something tangible to back them up. follow through with getting that evidence and taking a look. This man could potentially put you at risk particularly around your sexual health.

I absolutely have no time for the ‘sleazy male’ stereotype. Selfishness, entitlement and narcisstic qualities come in all forms including the wonderful man who hasn’t put a foot wrong.

Please prioritise YOU and not the relationship.

yeah thinking about it like @Milliemoos5 's story. One of my exes was a lovely bloke and we stayed friends after we spilt up. So therefore he told me all about his multiple relationships, drug habits and use of sex workers. He is lovely, and you would never guess but he is just a bit broken inside.

Same here, I styed friends with the ex I posted it about earlier who I dated/lived with for over a year and he told me about his numerous sexual relationships (and how he wanted to marry a woman who didn't mind him cheating!). he didn't do drugs or sex workers but was addicted to the thrill of getting women into bed! It was him that told me that he had cheated on his new g/f. i was absolutely gobsmacked by how many women he'd slept with! Once we'd split up he was quite open and honest about it and probably enjoyed telling me.

I recently, for the first time in my life, warned a woman about an ex-partner.

Never had I thought that I'd have to do that in my life.
And I did have to step back and think about it before I did it. In the end, my conscious said that it was the right thing to do, as this man is just such a piece of work.

I was prepared in case I received the 'shoot the messenger' thing. But I felt ultimately that it was the right thing to do.

I would be inclined to believe her OP. Do some sleuthing yourself. If you choose to ignore this, you may be setting yourself up for a world of pain further down the line.

Be careful about telling your dp as you may put her at risk of violence or other punishment from him

Thanks all, I am trying to find out more

I too would be inclined to believe her.. Like you say; shit either way and how horrible to have to be dealing with this.

OP - you need to decide what you'd do if you're given evidence, because if you ask him about it then I'm sure he'll have a plausible (to him) excuse for it all.

You are engaged so that suggests that you've been together for a while ?
Do you feel like you've been 'Love bombed'?What is he like in your relationship ?
Does any of his behaviour give you any cause for concerns ?

I know someone that told the new gf all about her ex partners ways, and showed her evidence of his cheating, and the new gf ignored it all and is preparing to become wife #3!

Can people change their ways ? Some would suggest not. But there's a lot of Prince Charming's out there who are willing to give women the 'fairytale' they want.

I will speak to her later but we can’t meet face to face because we are quite far apart.
No I have never any reason to suspect that he might be up to something. I know the passcode to his phone but it never even occurred to me to look at it. One thing that is that he is somewhat paranoid and super careful with data security but I’m not sure if this is even relevant. I generally try to leave him alone when he is away with work because I know that this can be tiring and busy. I was awake last night and really wanted to contact him but didn’t do it.
We’ve been together a bit over 2 years so I guess things have moved quickly. I just don’t see why he’d do such a thing because we are good. But I’ll see what I find out later because I need context and proof.

One thing that is that he is somewhat paranoid and super careful with data security but I’m not sure if this is even relevant.

@Anhen That's incredibly relevant. Is he hyper vigilant about his phone and you looking at it? Then that's incredibly telling, particularly if you live together and about to get married.

The men I know to be serial adulterers had jobs with travel in it - be it domestically or internationally.
BTW I am definitely not saying that every person who travels away a lot for work is being unfaithful, however, I am saying serial adulterers tend to curate their lifestyle so they can have access to what they would like e.g. sex, the thrill of the chase etc.
When my DH travels (not often) we usually always have a phonecall to check in, talk about our days etc. Do you do that?

Yeah...is he cagey around calls when he is away?

For example, he doesn't answer the phone but texts you back straight away asking what's up. And then if you phone again, again he doesn't answer.

Or just always hurrying you off the phonecall. Or using hushed tones on them?

Mind you I guess if it's prostitutes he doesn't need to bother with that stuff...

Could you videocall the ex? Then you'd get to see her face when she is telling you things.

Cheating has nothing to do with your relationship 'being good' or not. They cheat because they enjoy sex with other women (or the thrill if cheating). Not because of any fault in their relationship.

@Anhen I want to say this to you. In your posts you sound very nice, kind, warm hearted and trusting person but each one gives away a little more about the relationship you are in and I am picking up no end of warning signs - probably some you don't even know you are writing. I'm 58 now and as I said in my posts when I was in my early 20's I was cheated on multiple times by a serial cheat who I lived with. Looking back all the signs were there but I was too in love to notice them. To me you are cutting your fiancée too much slack and trying to make excuses for him/give reasons for his behaviours. No one wants their relationship to become some kind of police investigation where there's no trust but by the same token you need to be careful because you don't want to become involved with a man who has zero respect for you and is deceitful and dishonest. I don't know how old you are but I think it would be good for you to look at your relationship very carefully and note down some good and bad points and perhaps go out for a meal with a g/f or two (who know him/have met him) and talk it through with them to see what they think. Have they had any suspicions too? You need to be sure in your own mind that you can trust him and that's not the case right now and I think you need some help/advice and not just from MN.

So what if she has evidence that he cheated on her ??
that was a different relationship….doesn’t mean he will cheat on you. I think it’s really unfair you’re now not going to trust him because of his past.
you obviously had no issue trusting him before this woman contacted you. So I wouldn’t let that change no. Good luck x

He didn't just cheat on her, he cheated consistently throughout the relationship. With prostitutes too apparently.

He's still in the same job he was jetting around cheating on her in as well.

If course its relevant to op if he's a sleazeball.
Even if he isn't cheating on her, he clearly has the moral fibre of a teaspoon. And that's an insult to teaspoons.

Would you date someone who assaulted their ex because they've never assaulted you? Or someone who is a mysoginist even though they treat you well?

Of course it's relevant to op because it concerns who her fiance is as a person.

I tend to have faith in ‘the sisterhood’ and would take this as a well-intended warning.

I don't. I'm not saying that OP should ignore the warning, but she shouldn't just take this woman's word for everything without proof. I get this is Mumsnet where all women are saints and all men are evil, but people of both sexes can be liars and fantasists, so OP should proceed with caution.

If he did do the things stated, then I wouldn't be thrilled and probably would dump him (although using prostitutes would not be a dealbreaker to me if it was far enough in the past and he wasn't cheating with them) My worry would be that this woman is a bad faith actor and is making it all up.