Got told that he is a cheat

[Anhen]

I got contacted by my fiancée’s ex a few days ago. She made a lot of horrible allegations, and I’m really struggling with this. I haven’t told him yet as I’m unsure what to do.
I know that they had a bad breakup so I’m inclined to take things with a pinch of salt but it’s really hard to see things clearly. She basically told me that he cheated continuously throughout their relationship and gaslit her all the while, and that she only realised when another woman contacted her who he had treated abysmally. That woman was a colleague that he had hooked up with while working abroad.

The thing is that he does travel regularly for work, and often to the same places. I never even thought about it or had any reason to doubt him but now I’m rethinking and questioning so much, and I feel horrible doing this. He left today for a 3 day work event and I feel sick to my stomach because I don’t know what to believe, and I also feel a bit repulsed. I don’t feel like I can talk to someone about this because I feel embarrassed at the same time.

Has anyone else been in this position and what did you do to get clarity? I’m feeling quite insecure right now and I don’t want to ruin everything because of someone’s word.

I don't. I'm not saying that OP should ignore the warning, but she shouldn't just take this woman's word for everything without proof. I get this is Mumsnet where all women are saints and all men are evil, but people of both sexes can be liars and fantasists, so OP should proceed with caution.

Totally agree with the above. How did the woman get your contact details? How does she even know who you are if you are far apart? What has he already told you about his past relationships and what exactly has he done that make you inclined to believe a total stranger over him?

Definitely check it out if you feel you need to, but I'd be asking your partner, and watching his reaction.

He didn't just cheat on her, he cheated consistently throughout the relationship. With prostitutes too apparently.

So far there is no evidence that this is true.

It’s super super easy to find out peoples details! Honestly, give most women 5 mins on instagram or Facebook and they will find an exes new gf or find out info about a new guy they are dating. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do, really

This!

UNLESS... she was sleeping with him once and you happen to be living the life she once desired to live.

Be careful who you allow to feed your mind. Communication is key, converse with your partner and assess his reaction and honesty regarding the situation.

You mentioned they didn't have the best break up. Did he ever say why? I consider it a red flag when a man doesn't express where he went wrong in a relationship breakdown. If he blamed everything on her this would be something to look out for. It's very possible he did do wrong in his last relationship however it does not mean this will be repeated now. Especially if he has learnt from past actions and what caused him to cheat in the first place.

Finally, it's helps to have true commitment. I'm not sure how long you have been together but a wise friend once told me if he doesn't marry you within two years he does not see you as worthy of that level of commitment.

If he is the one for you, having this conversation is imperative

Trust your gut

Believe her. She is sticking her neck out to help you out

Yeah I appreciate her reaching out but I won’t be making a decision based on this alone. What she told me was grim and it makes me uneasy but I’m not 100% convinced as she admitted herself that she hates him. I am definitely taking it on board though and not dismissing her.
I hate doing this but I’ll have a look at his phone as she told me things she had noticed.
We usually talk on the phone when he is away although not much we he is often on the go but I know what this is like. I won’t be telling him about this.

Maybe she "hates him" because of what he did, rather than she hates him so now she's lying about something he did.

I know that but all I can really do is take it on board. She said herself to check what he is doing and what to look out for and I appreciate it.
It just all seems a bit much at once

Meh, I suspect she’s on to something. Especially if you leave him to ‘get on’ with things while he’s away.

@Lauren83 And did it turn out to be true? I’ve got a friend in that situation who will not be told. I’m absolutely certain hes a narcissist but she won’t listen to anyone

As someone who wanted to reach out in a similar situation I would be inclined to believe her. Crazy women are created from lying men as they say. The woman usually wants to warn the new gf because they were so hurt from his actions

@Minniemmoooo it did and he was. His ex who he had a child with contacted me and I believed the whole 'wronged ex' story, she told me about another woman too and I ended up messaging her and another ex years later and she confirmed several things, a few years ago I was the person that messaged someone else about him and unsure if she believed me but they did end up splitting

I keep thinking one day I will see a post about him on here

KCS from Merseyside, ruined many years of my life!

@Lauren83 Oh really so it wasn’t a one off? I wonder if she’d believe it if several women spoke to her. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he’s violent that’s how bad he is, he’s deffo cheated that’s 100%

I'm sorry OP, you must be in such a tough position now. Do let us know once you find out the truth. Sending lots of love and a big hug your way ❤️

If he's violent or done anything criminal, I wonder if he has any police record? Can you do a Claire's Law search on him?

@Minniemmoooo it was controlling/narcissistic behaviour and EA with me and he was violent once

The first one to message me said he broke the jaw of the one before her but that she never believed it and went on to have a child with him, he knew she messaged me as when he started a new job where I worked (that's how we met) she sent a copy and paste message to loads of females including me and a few colleagues, he made out she was just bitter and being naive and him love bombing me I believed him, after a couple of years when I had fully realised just how bad he was I messaged her back and she said for me to message this other woman, I did and she confirmed he had broke her jaw and locked her out of the house naked and loads of other vile things, she also had another woman contact me as he was still living in my house and she was making sure I had the strength to kick him out (I did finally)

Have you seen those FB groups where you can ask to check? I won't post the names on here for fear of prying eyes but will PM you if you are happy for me to?

Oh my gosh so there were three others he’d done it too! Wow these nasty people walk amongst us.

thing is I honestly don’t think shell believe anyone other than him. She even left her husband for him and I honestly think he love-bombed her into doing so.

he comes across so lovely when you meet him, and he claims he was physically abused for years by his mum which I also now question, somethings well off with him and she’s changed so much this last 12 months she’s been with him.

I don’t know the fb groups you mean no?

I've been in that position. I'm male. Several decades ago I got together with a woman who was very charming and interesting, she had 2 kids and a complicated back story. Her ex (who she told me was abusive) got in touch with me to warn me she would be unfaithful. He said "she has affairs" (plural). I was incensed at his cheek and told him to get lost.
Five years later I finally understood that he was right, and in fact she was the abusive one. Obviously I left.
As far as I know she has gone on to repeat the pattern with a number of subsequent partners.

I would believe her.

Also I would say this relationship is doomed anyway because now you will aways have doubts in your mind as to whether he is cheating or not...

I don't think she would have gone through all that trouble if what she was saying wasn't true.

More likely someone who wasn't genuine would have just sent you an anonymous message rather than doing things openly and offering to speak to you further.

I think there might be some truth in it, but I'm still rather confused by it all. I did check his phone while he was in the shower and I found absolutely nothing. I even checked the location history view for the week he was away and I did not see anything that stood out even though this was quite difficult.
It's the bit about the messages that his ex had gotten from the other woman that make me uneasy. Tbh I really want to talk to him about it but I don't think I can as this might cause nothing but trouble for the other women if it's true.

I know I'll be judged for being so passive but I am really not sure how to deal with this yet. I appreciate the feedback and have taken it all on board and I think there is something that isn't right but now I have one side of the story.
Thank you all for your help, I did take it all on board.

What a horrible situation for you OP. Of course you don't want to blow up your relationship over some shaky evidence and no proof, but at the same time you can't go on not knowing. And talking to him won't help. If he's cheating he is not going to tell you. And if he's been caught before he will almost certainly have a second phone.

I would not be marrying someone who cheated on someone else for years when working away.

There is a type that does it.
You would be so foolish to have children with someone like that.

Keep digging for proof but I would believe her.

I certainly wouldn't blame her for hating someone who treated her badly.

This is a very difficult one OP and not something to anyone can really advice on as none of us know for sure why his ex said what she did and whether your financee really is a cheat or whether it is just malicious - and despite the comments here either could be the case, as you say you have checked and nothing has shown that t be the case at present. I know from my own situation I lived with a guy for over a year in my early 20's and he was always cheating. He was a car salesman and used to go 'up North' for conferences. I was really in love and ignored the signs and even comments from other women until it finally dawned up me that he was a player. we remained friends after - he had a GSOH and was very charming and extremely generous and he told me about his 'many conquests' - it was a real eye opener I can tell you! Best of luck with it all. I hope it works out!

You doing the right thing by not acting until you have proof.

I would ask the ex who contacted you for evidence. If there is evidence then you have grounds for suspicion, and would be able to confront him. If not then if he denies it all you won't have got anywhere and he will cover his tracks if he is doing anything untoward.

My other questions would be why she has contacted you now, and how did she come to discover it all.

Then be vigilant.

Perhaps suggest maybe he should get a job with no travel and watch his reaction.