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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got told that he is a cheat

112 replies

Anhen · 19/11/2023 17:06

I got contacted by my fiancée’s ex a few days ago. She made a lot of horrible allegations, and I’m really struggling with this. I haven’t told him yet as I’m unsure what to do.
I know that they had a bad breakup so I’m inclined to take things with a pinch of salt but it’s really hard to see things clearly. She basically told me that he cheated continuously throughout their relationship and gaslit her all the while, and that she only realised when another woman contacted her who he had treated abysmally. That woman was a colleague that he had hooked up with while working abroad.

The thing is that he does travel regularly for work, and often to the same places. I never even thought about it or had any reason to doubt him but now I’m rethinking and questioning so much, and I feel horrible doing this. He left today for a 3 day work event and I feel sick to my stomach because I don’t know what to believe, and I also feel a bit repulsed. I don’t feel like I can talk to someone about this because I feel embarrassed at the same time.

Has anyone else been in this position and what did you do to get clarity? I’m feeling quite insecure right now and I don’t want to ruin everything because of someone’s word.

OP posts:
Morewineplease10 · 19/11/2023 18:23

Good luck op.

If its true it will be awful but better to know now.

Lauren83 · 19/11/2023 18:26

I had the ex warn me off a man years ago, I didn't listen and my god I wish I had, he ruined 4 years of my life

Original poster
Anhen · 19/11/2023 18:41

It’s just really shit either way

OP posts:
ollypollymolly · 19/11/2023 18:50

Good luck OP-

this is great quote and should be taught to all our daughters and ourselves ! ——

‘ A woman's most important responsibility is to keep herself safe. ‘

thanks @Pinkbonbon

WildFlowerBees · 19/11/2023 18:53

I'd ask your dp if he's ever been unfaithful in a previous relationship (not yours) if he says no I'd dig a little deeper.

Gnomegnomegnome · 19/11/2023 18:59

Why is she telling you now?

Char65 · 19/11/2023 19:02

When I was in my early 20's I dated a guy who was a serial cheat, a lot of women (including a couple of his ex's) warned me about him but I loved him and felt whilst he may have been 'a bit of a lad' in the past he'd settled down. Like your fiancée he worked away a lot and sorry to say he was cheating on me - so I'd be inclined to believe his ex but ask for proof. As others have said a leopard doesn't change its spots and I KNOW after we split up he cheated on his next g/f so unless the ex has done it for some malicious motive it is likely sorry to say she is telling the truth.

2jacqi · 19/11/2023 19:04

@Anhen is there any way you can just book a return flight and nip over there tomorrow first thing??? just turn up at his room????

tolerable · 19/11/2023 19:11

oh- how awful. It maybe be worrthwhile remebering that further details -actually have to be hard evidence\facts. Also whats her intention- telling you ?
whats your gut saying?

TheAbsurd · 19/11/2023 19:19

What’s the story about his relationship with her and why they broke up?

YNK · 19/11/2023 19:19

Sorry this happened to you.
I'd be inclined to believe her but I'd do due diligence.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/11/2023 19:27

How long have you been with this man OP?

Because for me, if someone from DH’s past came to me now to say he’s a cheat and a liar etc, I’d just chuckle and ignore them. I know the person he is, I know how he’s treated me, and I wouldn’t give it a second thought, I’d totally ignore the message! But if I’d been with him for 1-2 years and was already feeling vulnerable/unsure for some reason and received the same message it would be more likely to place doubt in my mind.

Either way, I wouldn’t go back to the ex for info. Presumably if you’re in a relationship with this man then you love and trust him- so ask him about it? If you can’t trust him to tell the truth then you should walk away from the anyway.

Milliemoos5 · 19/11/2023 19:36

generally, women don’t go out their way to find the new gf to give false info like this (it can happen but is the exception rather than the norm). So I’d defo be inclined to believe her im afraid

ive contacted two women over the years to warn them they were dating an abusive man. Both ignored me/thought I was lying , both messaged me months later to apologise and say they wished they had listened to me cos I had been right,

I know many many friends who have had their guys exes contact rhem to warn them about the guy (cheating/liars etc) and it’s always always turned out to be true

baileys6904 · 19/11/2023 19:39

If he cheated on her, doesn't mean a thing about your relationship with him.

I cheated on throughout a 5 year relationship. My 'partner' verbally, physically, emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me. He was 18 years older then me and once tried to drive my car through my living room window. I remember one night he brought a hammer to bed while I was in it and started threatening me, to the point I begged him to just kill me and have done with it. He never knew I cheated, but in my head it reminded me I had options so I eventually managed to leave.

I absolutely hate cheating but I think there can be a background story. That's even if any part of what this woman has said is true. Even if it did happen, doesn't mean it's quite so clear cut as some people would have it

SofiYol · 19/11/2023 19:39

Men that regularly cheat in a relationship don’t change.

It’s who he is, he doesn’t see it as morally wrong and he will continue to cheat regardless of who he is with.

I’m sorry OP but I would believe her.

junbean · 19/11/2023 19:40

I was in a similar situation about 20 years ago when my best friend was engaged. I was friends with her fiancé's best friend and he told me a lot of terrible truths about him. I told her but she didn't believe it. It was agonizing for both of us, because on one hand the friend could have been jealous and lying (her family was very wealthy and he and his friend came from poverty). Or he could have been jealous and telling the truth! She chose to trust her fiancé. Unfortunately after marrying things went south and got progressively worse. He had taken her and her family for a ride, using them for funding his degree, his home, fancy car, etc. while cheating, abusing, etc. Finally left her for a younger woman and they are doing quite well and the new wife has bullied her and is trying to take over as her kids' mother. At the time of the warnings we were so young and hadn't had a lot of experiences with men to know that if a man is accused he's likely guilty. Honestly I had been through an abusive relationship at that point so I did believe the accusations, but I felt obligated to support my friend. There was no way for her to know what to do, her ex was a really good actor. My advise is to listen to the ex. Take some time to process and investigate or observe his behavior for signs, so you feel comfortable making a decision. I wouldn't marry him anytime soon, as many times it's just after marriage that a man shows his true colors, knowing the woman is now trapped. It's just so unlikely the ex would say these things to meddle. It's possible, but just so unlikely.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/11/2023 19:41

I’m a firm believer in the old adage about leopards and their spots…

Crikeyalmighty · 19/11/2023 19:43

I would be inclined to believe her too, but ask for proof --

Original poster
Anhen · 19/11/2023 19:50

I did ask for details and evidence. As I said I have never had a reason not to trust him and he has been an amazing partner so this comes as a shock. She does know where and what he worked as at the time, but that’s probably not much of a surprise. This isn’t “just“ cheating but nasty stuff and I definitely need more than just someone’s word for it. Thank you

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 19/11/2023 20:02

Is it escorts?

TheDuchessOfMN · 19/11/2023 20:09

I don’t know why but my immediate reaction is that I would believe her.

Pinkbonbon · 19/11/2023 20:11

I think that even if she tells you about elements of his behaviour and things he used to say and do, you can be on your guard for those? Even if she can't prove cheating, you can ask her for specific phrasing or behaviours from him to look out for just incase.

Then you can say something like 'I thank you for telling me. As is, without proof, I must put my faith in my partner. However, I will be cautious moving forwards just incase and keep watch for the behaviours you have mentioned. I appreciate hearing your version but recognise there are two sides to every story. You can rest easy that you have gave me a heads up to these behaviours, if they are true'.

If you've not been with him long, it could be a couple of years before you see if he's genuinely decent or not.

But if he does have a problem with you speaking with his ex...say to him that your first responsibility as a woman is to your own saftey and that, whilst you recognise this is an uncomfortable situation for him, he should in turn recognise this. Then reassure him you asked all you needed, have nothing to make you think her claims are true to and have no intention of meeting her again. But that whilst you like and care for him, it isn't ever going to prevent you from disregarding your own saftey, you have only known him xyz amount of time afterall.

MadeForThis · 19/11/2023 20:25

Just wait and see what she comes back with.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/11/2023 21:45

@Anhen if it's swingers clubs, webcams, escorts or prostitutes I totally understand that you can't just let it go. Plenty of lovely women on here have been totally blindsided by this - hugs to you x

If she can't give you proof then unlike some mumsnetters on here I'm afraid I would be doing a bit of digging including his phone

Sticktoslimmingworld · 19/11/2023 21:49

Has he been paying prostitutes? Some men and women (not all I may add) are skilled in living double lives. Get tested at a GUM clinic asap.

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